Chapter 17

When Sai, Hikaru and Akari arrived at Akira's home, Sai still hadn't quite reached a festive mood, but his two friends were getting more and more excited about the party.

"This is wonderful," Akari breathed as they walked through the traditional garden to enter the house. She paused to watch the fountain where the bamboo stick slowly and steadily measured a certain amount of water down. "I've always loved those," she said.

"I'm sure Akira's mother will be happy to hear you like this," Sai said. "I think she is the one with the green thumb here."

"Sure," Hikaru chuckled. "Everyone else in this house have just go thumbs. Or… go index fingers?"

Akari rolled her eyes. "You're so funny."

Akira was waiting for them at the door and let them in. No one else had yet arrived, but Sai had wanted to be there before his other friends. After all, he was one of those celebrated there, so he should be there to receive the guests.

Akira greeted Sai happily and nodded to Hikaru. "Nice to see you too, Fujisaki-san," he said to Akari. "It's been long."

"So it has! And please, just call me Akari."

They entered the house, with Akari admiring practically everything she saw. Akira's mother was waiting for them. "Sai-kun," she said with a smile. "Congratulations. I'm so happy for you. And for my son. It is great that you can reach for your dreams together."

Sai bowed. "Thank you, Touya-san. These are my friends, Shindou Hikaru and Fujisaki Akari."

They both bowed, Akari a little deeper than Hikaru.

"Thank you for letting us come," she said. "You really have a beautiful garden there. I simply love it."

Akira's mother smiled at her. "I'm happy to hear that, dear," she said.

"Come, let's wait here," Akira said, and led them to a room where there were low tables with food and snacks on them, many pillows on the floor, and a few go boards in a corner. Akira nodded at them and smiled at Sai. "I thought we might need those, later on."

Sai couldn't help returning his smile. "Definitely!"

"Do you still play, Akari-san?" Akira asked as they sat down. His mother brought them drinks, and they all nodded their thanks.

"Yes," Akari said after taking a sip of her drink. "Though I'm afraid I'm not improving that much anymore."

"You learn a little with every game you play," Sai said. "And it's important to keep on playing. Stop for a while, and your skills will go downhill."

"I guess you're right," Akari said. "And go is still fun, even if I'm not too good. But hey, I won my games in the last summer tournament!"

"Yes," Sai said. "You played really well there! I wish I'd been able to come to follow your games."

The doorbell rang, and Sai and Akira went to receive their guests. Tsutsui, Kaneko and Mitani arrived all at the same time. "The go club delegation!" Hikaru exclaimed when he saw them.

"You're in the go club too," Kaneko pointed out to him.

"Can we start eating now?" Hikaru asked, ignoring her.

"By all means," Akira said, and the boy dug into the offerings. Akari muttered something to herself while Sai and Akira shared a look, but they all took some snacks as they sat down. Shortly other people arrived too, Ashiwara among them.

"Akira-kun!" he exclaimed. "Congrats again! Not that we ever doubted you, but still! And you too, Sai-kun! This is absolutely fantastic!" He patted the boys strongly on the back, first one, then the other. "I wish I'd been at the study group on Thursday! Did you have any great new games to show? How about the one you played with that third boy who passed, Ochi?"

"I can show that to you, if you want," Akira said with a small smile at his eagerness. "But who…?"

"Oh, I thought that now that you're joining the pro ranks, you could also meet some other young pros, friends of mine. Though I think you've met Matsuda before?"

"Yes, I think so," Akira said with a nod. The two other young men were as well introduced, and soon the whole lot were gathered around a go board, with Akira replaying his game with Ochi. Once they had pretty much analyzed that game apart they moved to other games, including the one Sai played with Waya. Everyone had a lot to say of that one, including Kaneko and Mitani, whose disagreement on what would have been the best move at a decisive point in the game drove them to fight it out on go board. It ended in Kaneko's win, and she had a smug smile on her face for better part of an hour after that.

Time flew by fast. Feeling oddly detached and still somehow unable to reach the festive mood, Sai watched how Ashiwara got enthralled in discussing a recent game in the women's meijin league with Tsutsui, with Kaneko and Mitani following the discussion and throwing in some comments, too. Akira was chatting with the people Ashiwara had brought to the party about what it was like to start a pro career, and Hikaru was listening keenly in, most likely quite curious. He seemed a bit too happy when they all mentioned having stopped their studies when they became pro. Akira, who probably noticed his delight, quietly pointed out that they all had finished high school before turning professional.

Watching everyone else talking with each other, laughing, being swept away with the games, Sai couldn't help thinking how little difference it made whether or not he actually was there. Everyone would say and do the same things even if he wasn't sitting there as he was, nearly invisible, contributing nothing to the discussion. He had not felt being an outsider like this for ages, not since the first days after moving to Tokyo.

He shook his head. This was stupid. He was there in the middle of his friends, why was he thinking of of such things? He glanced at Akari, the one he had been worried might feel a bit left out in the middle of all that go talk, but she was following Ashiwara and Tsutsui's discussion, seemingly sucking in each and every word they said. Sai moved quietly to her side.

"Interesting discussion?" he asked.

She nodded eagerly. "I feel like I have learned more about go today than I have during this whole year before!"

"So, Sai-kun!" Ashiwara turned to him. "What do you think of Sakurano-san's response here?"

Sai bent over the board to examine it. "Oh, that! It was probably my favorite part of that game. She's so innovative!"

Kaneko nodded. "A real model for all go-playing girls."

"And not just girls." Sai shook his head. "It's kind of silly, isn't it? That they play the women's and men's leagues separately."

"You think?" Mitani said. "But then it'd be harder for women to win anything. The competition is so much tougher on men's side."

Kaneko snorted. "So you think women can't survive in the hard world of men?"

"I never said that!" Mitani exclaimed, wincing under the look she gave him.

"I just think such divisions are silly in a game that has nothing to do with physical strength or anything such, that's all," Sai said.

Ashiwara grinned. "Well, I wouldn't mind playing against girls more often! Wouldn't that be fun? As long as they aren't distractingly pretty, that wouldn't be fair." He raised his eyebrows at Sai. "Like you would totally be if you were a girl." He paused and gave a laugh. "Wasn't that a thought! You'd easily pass for one. But…" he turned back to the board, "What about the continuation? After her opponent's move, Sakurano-san played here. Wouldn't this have been better?"

Sai said nothing. Suddenly he was back in the first day of the preliminaries, facing his first opponent. Can't lose to some goddamn freak! he heard the man's voice echoing in his ears, and he swallowed. He noticed Akari glancing at him, hesitantly, probably at least partly guessing what was going on in his mind right then. He swallowed. Attempted to say something. Failing in that, he stood up abruptly. "Need to go to toilet," he managed to mutter, and hurried away.

He left the room quickly without looking at anyone and all but ran to the toilet. He slammed the door close behind himself and sank down to sit on the toilet seat. Sniffing, he told himself he was overreacting. Absolutely. Ashiwara hadn't even meant anything bad with what he said. It was nothing but a silly aside, a thoughtless comment if even that, and he really should have let it go in one ear and out the other. What on earth was he crying over, anyway?

He told this himself, over and over, but couldn't stop the sobs. Soon they turned into real crying, though he tried to be quiet so that no one would notice.

After a while someone knocked on the toilet door.

"Hey?" Akari's voice came from the other side of the door. "Are you okay?"

He sniffed his nose and tried to steady his voice. "Sure."

"I… just wanted to check," Akari said, voice hesitant. "I thought you looked a bit… strange when you left."

"Oh?" Sai swallowed back a sob. "Did… did anyone else notice?"

"I don't think so. They were watching the board, not you. But, Sai… really… I don't know why you reacted like that… I mean, it was a bit stupid comment, but still! It's nothing worth crying over. Are you okay? Did something happen?"

"Nothing," Sai mumbled. He stood up and turned on the faucet to splash some cold water on his face. He dried his face on his sleeve and turned to the door, wondering if he was ready to go out. He was afraid he'd start crying when he saw someone, and he really didn't understand why. "I don't know," he said, leaning his forehead against the door. "I know I… I'm totally overreacting. I just, I don't know."

"Would you come out?" Akari said quietly. "I can't hug you through the door."

Sai gave a little laugh and, just with a short hesitation, opened the door. True to her words, Akari hugged him tight and long as soon as he came out.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, and now she laughed.

"Whatever for?"

"I don't…" know, he was going to say one more time, but approaching steps made him step away from Akari and quickly wipe his eyes to make sure there would be no traces of tears.

Akira's mother appeared in the corridor and nodded them, smiling. Then she paused and, tilting her head a little, gave Sai a long look.

"What is this?" she said then. "Has one of our celebrities been crying?"

"No," Sai said and turned away, embarrassed.

"Well, if you say so," she said. "I hope you're having fun in your party."

"Yes," Sai said shortly and attempted to sniffle his nose as quietly as he could, not to draw her attention on it. "Let's go," he muttered to Akari and turned to return to the others.

"Boys don't cry, they say, but—" he heard yet Touya Akiko's voice behind his back, and suddenly spun around again.

"Boys don't this and boys don't that!" he exclaimed, eyes feeling stingy again. "I'm so sick of that!"

"I said but, Fujiwara-kun," she said evenly, not in the least taken aback by his exclamation, and Sai blinked. "But. There is hardly any need to be ashamed of crying a bit, don't you think?"

"Well, yes," Sai said, a little nonplussed. "I mean, no. But… I… I didn't have any real reason, you know…" His voice trailed off.

"One wouldn't cry without any reason, would one?" Akira's mother asked.

"It's just something stupid Ashiwara-san said," Akari put in quietly.

"He didn't mean anything with it," Sai said hurriedly. "Really. He didn't even realize, I mean… I'm just silly to take it so. Really."

Akiko smiled. "Ashiwara-san said something stupid?" she said gently. "Truly, that wouldn't be the first time. Nothing but frogs come out of the mouth of that boy."

She watched Sai thoughtfully. "I have been a bit worried about you," she said then. "What with you so often not coming to the study group, and spending such a long while away from school… not to mention that cheerless and tired look I've sometimes seen in your eyes – when you're not immersed in a game of go, that is – it is all quite worrisome, and I know it must be something serious from the way Akira-san has reacted. Don't worry, he hasn't told me anything though, and nor should he. I know it's not my business. But even so…" She was tilting her head again, her eyes locked into Sai's. "Ah," she sighed. "There's that look again. I much prefer the way your eyes shine when you're playing with my son."

Akari backed away a little, glancing from Sai to Akira's mother. "Umm," she said. "I think I'll go back, okay? You… can talk with Touya-san alone."

She turned and fled the place. Sai looked after her, startled. "But I," he started to say. Talk with Akira's mother? It wasn't something he was planning to do.

"Umm," he uttered, looking at the woman and thinking hard how to excuse himself. "I think I'll…"

"I was going to prepare some more snacks for you," Akiko said, cutting him off. "I noticed they were beginning to run short. Would you give me a hand?"

"Ah… wha… yes, I guess…" Sai stuttered, not knowing what to say, and mentally cursing Hikaru for eating so much.

"Wonderful." She gave him a smile. "You are always so helpful."

She started leading the way and Sai followed her, not knowing what else to do. "I'm quite happy you are such a good friend with our son," she said as they walked toward the kitchen. "Akira-san has never had many friends of his own age. It's wonderful for once to have so many young people in this house. A true stroke of luck that you two met!"

"I'm happy I met him too," Sai said just to say something.

She nodded. "I could call it destiny, if I believed in such things. Then again, two players like you would have met, sooner or later. Say, what do your parents think about you turning pro?"

"They aren't happy about it, but I guess they're still a bit impressed. They said it's alright. As long as I take care of my studies, too."

Akiko nodded. They arrived to the kitchen, and she headed to the refrigerator, opening it. "It is going to be hard job," she said. "Studying and being a pro at the same time. But I'm sure you've got what it takes." She glanced at him over her shoulder. "Is this conflict with your parents what is behind all your trouble? If you don't mind me asking."

Sai stood still a long while. As he remained quiet she turned back to refrigerator, starting to rummage in it. Sai shook his head, though she couldn't see him anymore.

"Do you know what intersex is?" he asked quietly. She turned to him again.

"Intersex? Yes, of course I do. Is that it?"

Sai nodded, startled and blushing.

"Well," she said, and took some of her homemade croquettes out of the refrigerator. "You certainly took me by surprise there. I wasn't expecting anything like that." She didn't look too surprised though, as she turned to the microwave to heat the croquettes. A little smile brightened her face as she saw how Sai was watching her, eyes unblinking and wary, as if he was just waiting for her to fully realize what he had said.

"Oh, do relax. I did say I know what you're talking about. You have no reason to look you have just told me some dirty little secret that should never see the light of day."

"You don't find it… freaky, then?" Sai muttered.

She shook her head while the micro hummed. "Freaky? Of course not. May I ask exactly what it is? The spectrum of intersex conditions is wide and varied."

"PAIS," Sai said in a hushed voice, as if he were afraid someone was listening in. "Partial androgen insensitivity syndrome."

She nodded. "I know a bit about AIS," she said, and shook her head. "You haven't got an easy lot in life, have you?"

"How do you know about it?" he asked, curious. He had a feeling that he was the one there who had been most surprised.

"Oh, I just heard the term once, long ago. Intersex, that is. And I have this habit… if I come across something I'm not familiar with, I'll find out about it. It was quite an intriguing subject. I had always thought that there are men and there are women, whether we're talking of gender or biological sex, that is, but then I came to realize that those are just the opposite poles, so to say, and there is really quite a wide spectrum between them. Intriguing. From my point of view, at least. I believe you might regard the subject a bit differently."

"Oh, it surely is intriguing," Sai said a bit dryly. "Absolutely."

"So, Akira-san does know?"

Sai nodded. "Yes. And Hikaru and Akari. But no one else."

She shook her head a bit. "It's a heavy secret… when it really wouldn't need to be that at all. But I'm honored that you told me. Thank you for your trust."

She looked straight at him, meeting his eyes unblinking, and Sai bowed his head, a little awkward. "I don't know why I did," he said, in all honesty. "I just… for a moment I thought that I want to know what happens if I say something like that."

"What happens depends completely on who you are talking with," Akiko said seriously. "As it is, intersex is more of a social problem than a medical one, isn't it? I'm afraid that not everyone in the world would be able to take it as a natural matter-of-fact. I… wouldn't want to tell you hide who you are, but I'm afraid you should be careful with how much you tell and to whom. May I ask one more personal question?"

Sai nodded.

"You said you have partial AIS. What do you think of your gender assignment? Were they right to raise you as a boy?"

Sai took a deep breath. "Yes," he said with more certainty than he felt. "Mainly," he amended then.

"Mainly?" She gave a short laugh but grew serious again when she saw Sai's expression. "Well, you don't need to tell me anything more. Again, I thank you telling as much as you have. I promise I won't speak of this with anyone without your permission. Although…" She paused for a moment, considering, as she took a bowlful of chips out of one closet. "Do you mind if I tell my husband? Or would you rather tell him yourself? I believe he would like to know. He too has worried over you."

"Do you think he'll mind…?" Sai asked, hesitant.

"I wouldn't have married him if he minded such things," Akiko said shortly.

"You can tell him, then," Sai said. That would be easier, he thought. He wasn't sure if he could ever explain such things to Touya Meijin. "If you are sure."

"I am," she said with such certainty that Sai believed her. She finished piling the croquettes on two trays and took one of them and the bowl of chips. "If you ever feel like talking about anything, just give me a call. If you don't find it too weird to talk of such things with your friend's mother."

Sai shook his head with a small, dry smile, taking the other tray. "It's not any weirder with you than anyone else, really."

"Good! Now, let's take these to the party."

"Where were you?" Hikaru asked when Sai placed his tray on the table. "Mmm, those look good!" the boy exclaimed then without waiting for a reply, and somehow managed to grasp three in one go.

"I was helping Touya-san," Sai said. "And she was helping me."

Hikaru gave him a confused glance, but Mitani stealing the chips away demanded his attention. Sai settled down among the others, laughing at the two fighting over the chips bowl. Akari smiled at him, looking relieved.

Next time he was on his way to the study group Sai couldn't help feeling quite distressed. He didn't regret telling Akira's mother his secret (on the contrary, really. It had been quite relieving to see that it truly wasn't any big deal for some people) but he wondered exactly what had possessed him to tell her it was alright to tell the Meijin.

It wasn't that he doubted Akiko's word. She had said everything would be alright with her husband, and he believed her. Still, the knowledge that the Meijin would know made him uncomfortable. What if he would some day want to let the rest of the study group know? Keeping secrets and hiding in the dark didn't fit the image Sai had of Touya Meijin. What if he disapproved of the way Sai was dealing with everything… if he thought that hiding like this displayed a weakness of character… What if he didn't understand that Sai wanted to keep quiet about this?

Too late to have any second thoughts, he told himself glumly as he walked into the Touya residence.

Akira greeted him as usual, and he wondered if the boy knew that his parents knew. Probably. He could hardly ask there, though, for there were others presents. He bowed his head as they entered the room where the Meijin and some of the others sat waiting. He looked at the man, and for a moment their eyes met. Sai was the one to look away, unnerved. He wished that the Meijin's expression wouldn't be quite so unreadable. He didn't have a clue what the man was possibly thinking – though did he have a slight frown on his face? Sai glanced at him again, quickly, but he was already looking away, talking with Ogata, and Sai couldn't really tell if he had just imagined that trace of a frown or not.

Ashiwara was the last to arrive, late as usual, bowing deep in apology. Ogata threw an annoyed comment at him but the Meijin just nodded, not really paying attention to them. Once everyone had settled down, the man let his eyes yet sweep across the room – and did his gaze pause at Sai or was that again just imagination?

"So, we're all here," the Meijin said. "Good. There's one thing I would like to tell you all." He cleared his throat, a strangely self-conscious sound. Sai turned to him, like everyone else, trying his best to look like he didn't at all suspect that whatever Touya Meijin had to announce would have anything to do with him, but his heart was throbbing so strongly it made his shirt shiver.

"I'm not a young man anymore," the Meijin went on, "but even so, I have once again realized that one is never too old to learn new things. And I'm not talking only of go here, but also of life in general. Keeping an open mind is of utmost importance for a go-player; I am sure you all know that. Fossilizing, becoming trapped in the familiar conventions, is death to your game. But an open mind is similarly important in life. When you come across something strange and unfamiliar, turning away from it simply because you don't understand it is unacceptable. What I want from you, both in go and in life, is not to shy away from that which challenges your way of thought, but to listen, explore, and learn, always keeping in mind that what you might have held as an absolute truth may not quite be that."

There was a moment's silence when he fell quiet. Sai could imagine the confused looks on people's faces as they were wondering what had brought on this little lecture, but he didn't look. Instead he kept on staring in Touya Meijin's general direction, not quite looking at the man but behind him, at a calligraphy painting on the wall. To his relief the Meijin did not look at him either and so draw unwanted attention on him.

"Wise words, sensei," Ashiwara finally said. "Well, how else?" He grinned at his fellow students. "Having an open mind has always been high on my priorities!"

"Your mind is so open everything keeps on falling out!" someone put in, and others laughed. Sai turned to them, laughing as well, but then he happened to notice how Ogata was watching him. His laugh faltered and he looked away, hoping he didn't blush visibly.

From then on, the study group proceeded in its usual way. Sai did his best to behave normally, though he couldn't help wondering if Ogata was observing him much more keenly than usual. Well, of course the man had always shown interest in him, but there was something in his unblinking gaze that made Sai nervous. For the first time ever he was beginning to hope the meeting would end up soon, so that he could stop pondering on whether he was imagining things or not.

Once the study group finally was over he was one of the first to slip away, not staying for one extra game with Akira as he often did. On his way home Akira called him.

"You left so soon! I'd have wanted to talk with you more."

"I'm sorry," Sai said, grimacing a bit. "It just was a bit… awkward."

"Yes… I understand." Akira laughed a little. "You know, I couldn't have been more surprised when I realized you'd told my mother. How did that happen?" He didn't pause to listen to Sai's reply. "Father has been quite confused the whole week. I guess he is quite traditional and old-fashioned, in his way. But you shouldn't worry, there's not going to be any trouble over this."

"That's good…" Sai paused. He wasn't worried about the Meijin, really. "Do you think… does Ogata-sensei know?"

"Ogata?" Akira sounded surprised. "How could he?"

"I don't know, I just… kind of felt like he's suspecting something. I'm probably wrong. I guess I was just being a bit oversensitive."

"I think so… I mean, I don't understand how…"

"It's okay," Sai cut him off, hearing of Akira's voice that he was at a loss of what to say. "I'm sure I was just imagining things. Forget I said anything, okay?"

"Okay… if you're sure?"

Sai couldn't help smiling a little. "I am. Shall we meet on Sunday, as usual?"

"Sure! See you then!"

He returned home in pensive mood. So far so good. Maybe there truly wouldn't be any trouble over this. He tried to convince himself of that, but couldn't quite get rid off the nagging worry.

"I'm home," he called quietly as he stepped in.

"Welcome home!" his mother's voice came from somewhere. He was just about get upstairs to his room when she appeared from the living room. "How was the meeting?" she asked with a smile.

"The usual." He shrugged a bit, glancing at her. "I'll read a bit before dinner, okay?"

"That's fine." Her smile faded a little as she watched him climb up and she seemed to want to say something more, but in the end remained quiet.

A/N: Yes, we might be having some trouble with the medication, in case you were wondering. :/

...Hikaru was really a brat back when I was first writing this. This is how one scene originally went:

"I guess you're right," Akari said. "And go is still fun, even if I'm not too good. But hey, I won my games in the last summer tournament!"
"I wish we'd have come to watch," Sai said. "Why didn't we?"
"Because the author forgot about it," Hikaru said.
"Hikaru. The fourth wall. Leave it alone."

Thanks for reading~!