Chapter 18! Huh, I can't believe we're this far! I'm afraid I might not be able to update this next week (there are huge holes in the next chapter and I'm not sure when I've time to work on it properly), but we'll see.

One note about characters ages: I realized that my timeline got at some point kinda messed up, and I got confused of people's ages. So just to make things easier for myself, I'm making Waya and Isumi younger than they really were. I mean, if I'm not wrong, they're one year and 4 years older than Hikaru, which means Isumi would have already been too old to be an insei anymore in this fic. And Waya would already be in high school, but he's now Hikaru's age and on the last year of middle school, too.
...blame Sai's parents. It's all their fault, making Sai take so long to become pro.

Chapter 18

Now that the pro exam was over but the duties of a pro had not yet begun, it was time to concentrate fully on school. That was what Sai did, to the extent that Hikaru grew a little exasperated with him – every single time the boy suggested something, Sai had something or other he absolutely had to study.

"You know the reason. I don't want to give my parents any reason to complain," Sai said a bit apologetically when Hikaru once again had asked if he could stay behind after school to play a bit. "Besides, I was left behind during the pro exam on so many subjects! I need to catch up."

"Whatever," Hikaru mumbled. "I'll ask someone else."

"It wouldn't hurt for you to study a bit more diligently too," Sai pointed out. Hikaru just rolled his eyes.

"I still have my exam ahead," he said. "I need to study go if I want to become an insei!"

"And I need to study so that I don't have to stop being pro before I've even started, don't you get that!" Sai snapped.

"Whatever," Hikaru muttered and stomped away.

Watching after him Sai did feel a little guilty, but on the other hand all his hard work was paying off, and he got excellent grades in the exams also in subjects that weren't his strongest. Now, there was a math test approaching, and it was something for which he really did need to study. And soon after that, they were supposed to give presentations in social studies for a subject of their choice. He knew exactly what he was going to do. Or… what he wanted to do. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea.

He sighed and started his way toward home. The math test was the first priority for now. But as soon as it was over he promised himself he would spend some time with Hikaru.

One day (after the math test in which he scored 98%) he invited himself over to Hikaru's home. The boy was quite happy, probably thinking they'd be playing a lot of go – and they certainly would do that, too. After all, he did want to do all he could to help Hikaru pass the insei exam. Before they started playing, though, he said there was something he wanted to ask.

Hikaru, who had already been taking out the go board and stones, glanced at him. "Yeah?"

"You know that social studies presentation we're supposed to give…"

Hikaru grimaced. "Did you just want to talk about school stuff? I thought we were going to play!"

"Yes, sure, we will play!" Sai assured him hurriedly. "But, you see… that presentation. I was thinking about talking about intersex."

Hikaru gave him a long look. "Are you sure?"

"No, that's exactly why I wanted to talk about it now! Do you think it's a stupid idea?"

"I don't know." Hikaru sat on the floor by the go board, frowning. "I mean, I guess there's nothing wrong with the subject, but… are you going to tell them that you are…?"

"I don't know," Sai said too. "I was wondering about it. I'd… kind of want to see how they'll react. But I'm kind of scared of that too. So I was thinking that maybe I could just talk about it and see what they think and then decide if I tell them."

"That might work… though if you start talking about such things some people might guess the truth, even if you don't tell them."

Sai sighed. "I'm just growing sick of this. I don't know if I'm able to keep it all a secret through my whole life."

"But… you started that medication too. So if you're not going to, you know, look weird anymore, why couldn't you? Keep it a secret?"

"Look weird," Sai snorted. "Thanks for that."

"Well, you know what I mean! If no one's going to notice anything obvious about you, why can't you… I mean, if you just keep quiet… gah, you know!" Hikaru waved his arms, thoroughly exasperated.

"Do I?" Sai said dryly. "Yeah, yeah, I do know!" he exclaimed when Hikaru opened his mouth again. "It's got to be the awfullest thing ever, right? For a guy to have tits! Downright disgusting! So yes, I started that medication because what else could I do!"

He sniffled. Hikaru sat still a moment and let then out a deep breath.

"Sai," he said. "I… I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything bad, you know?"

"Ye-yeah," he sniffled. "I'm sorry too. I don't… I don't know why…"

Hikaru moved to sit next to him and patted his shoulder, but try as he might, Sai couldn't stop crying. He leaned his head against Hikaru's shoulder and cried on as the boy just sat there quietly.

"What is it?" Hikaru said when he finally calmed down. "You've been awfully moody recently."

"I'm sorry." Sai wiped his face. "I don't know why I'm like this. I mean, life's being really good right now, and still I feel like… I don't know. Just miserable, sometimes. Like… I can't deal with this at all."

"Maybe you study too much and play too little go?" Hikaru suggested, and Sai laughed out loud. "I'm serious! You are always happy when you play, so if you're feeling unhappy it's probably because you don't play! Makes sense, right?"

"Oh, Hikaru." Sai wiped his eyes. "You are just priceless sometimes."

"If you say so." Hikaru sat back and watched him grumpily. "And you are just impossible. I don't know what it takes to make you happy! You've reached your dream and here you just sit crying! But… that presentation… I guess that if you want to talk about that stuff to the class, fine, go ahead. Maybe it might cause trouble with some people, but… maybe not. And if you feel like you should talk about it…"

Sai nodded. "I kind of feel I do. Just cause… if no one ever talks about these things, people won't ever learn, right?"

"So. You'll have your presentation, and if there's some trouble after it, we'll deal with it together, right?"

Sai smiled. "Right."

"I just wish we were in the same class. I'd like to hear your presentation."

"Maybe I could hold it for you first?" Sai suggested. "A practice run?"

"Fine for me. …but could we finally play now?"

"Sure." Sai sniffled his nose one more time and settled down by the board. "Let's see if it makes me so happy."

...

Next day, after school, Hikaru was heading to the Heart of Stone (for god forbid Sai would be playing with him on two consecutive days), when someone called his name on the street.

"Hey! Shindou?"

He glanced up, rousing from his thoughts of yesterday's games, and came face to face with Waya.

"Oh, hi," he said, pausing on his way.

"Hi. I was beginning to think there's someone else with bangs like that in this city too! You were really deep in your thoughts, sorry if I bothered…"

"Nah. I was just thinking…" Hikaru hesitated the shortest moment – he knew that most kids of his age would find him thinking of go funny – before he realized he was talking with a go-player, "of some go games."

"Oh? Played some good games recently?"

"Sure! Yesterday against Sai…" His voice trailed off as he again realized who he was talking with: the guy who placed fourth in the pro exam and didn't make it, unlike Sai.

Something awkward did pass on Waya's face, but it was quickly gone. "Must be fun to get to play someone like him all the time…"

"I wish it were all the time," Hikaru muttered, shifting from foot to foot. "I mean, he's so busy with school…"

"Yeah… I can imagine!" Waya rolled his eyes. "It's been a pain, honestly, trying to catch up. I really wish I'd passed this time so I wouldn't have to go to high school, but no such luck now!"

Hikaru perked up immediately. "I know right! I wish I'd started playing earlier so that I'd already be a pro! I'm sure if I start high school mom won't let me drop out. And Sai's all like studying is important! too, like an extra-mom…"

Waya laughed at his impersonation. "Sounds tough."

"Yeah."

They fell silent and stood there a moment, neither of them knowing what to say.

"Well… it was fun to see you again," Waya said finally.

"Sure," Hikaru replied. "Uh… see you?"

"See you."

They started walking their separate ways, but then Waya paused. "By the way, where are you going?"

"Me?" Hikaru glanced behind, surprised. "This… go salon I frequent."

"Oh?" Waya watched him silence a moment, seeming to be thinking of something. "Mind if I come along?"

"Huh? No, of course not!" Hikaru grinned at him. "I mean, there's some fun people to play against at that place, but it'd be great if we could play a game too."

"I was thinking of that too," Waya said, returning his grin. "Lead the way."

"Sure! Though, uh, I was thinking of grabbing some ramen on the way."

"What's with you and ramen!?"

...

On the day of his presentation Sai found himself surprisingly calm. He had been nervous beforehand, sleeping badly and even having again some skin problems, but now all that had passed. He stood up from his seat and walked to the front of the class, and when the teacher gave him permission he cleared his throat and started talking.

"Today I'm going to talk about a matter that, I have found, most people know very little about. They might have heard the word, but that's all. They don't really have any clear picture what it's all about, or might even have a completely wrong picture." He paused, and looked at the faces of his classmates. Some were watching him, appearing interested – mainly the straight A's students who were going to suck all information into themselves like sieves, if it would just help them onward. Some looked already bored. And the vast majority were just looking in his general direction, seemingly listening. He wondered how far away some of them were in their thoughts.

"So, I would like to ask you all," he went on, "how many of you are familiar with the term intersex?"

The teacher gave a strange sound. Sai glanced at her from the corner of his eye and saw her opening and closing her mouth, as if she very much wanted to say something.

A couple of the students had raised their hands, a little hesitantly.

"Isn't it like being hermaphrodite?" one asked.

"Kind of," Sai said, nodding. "Though what's meant by hermaphrodite when talking about animals is something quite different. Humans can't have both female and male reproductive functioning organs. In humans, what's called true hermaphroditism simply means that there's both testicular tissue and ovarian tissue. It's an extremely rare intersex condition, but just one of them. I'd like to explain to you about what those conditions are really like and what it means to be intersex in our society."

He paused to take a breath, licked his dry lips, and went on. "The reason I chose this subject is simply because I think intersex is more of a social than medical problem, and the more people will know about it, the less it'll be a problem." He used Akiko's expression there quite shamelessly. "You know how strictly our society is divided into two genders, and any kind of variation from that is simply… seen as a problem. From the very moment a baby is born, the first question everyone asks: is it a boy or a girl? What if there is no answer to that? We all have been, for years in school, told to form two lines, one for boys, one for girls. What if you don't know into which line you belong? Now, of course you might fall into these categories even if you were intersex, or you might be outside of them although you're not intersex, but, uh," he felt like he losing his train of thought, "intersex is what I'm… talking about now."

He took a deep breath, collected his thoughts and went on. His classmates listened quietly as he talked on, some of them looking in fact interested. A few of them, he suspected, simply because anything that had the word 'sex' in it got their attention. He braced himself for their snickers as he went on to talk of 'corrective surgery' and his opinions of that being performed on little children, but though there were some, it wasn't as bad as he feared. Then he moved on to different types of intersex, and to his main example, AIS. At that point he had stopped paying attention to his audience and just focused on getting the words out of his mouth, as naturally as he possibly could. He started with complete AIS, drawing from what Kimiko had told him.

"…you don't just look like a girl, you are a girl, and most likely have never had any reason to doubt that. But then you reach teenage and, probably round the time you're our age, your period still hasn't started you go to see a doctor… and then they'll drop the bomb. You have no uterus, no ovaries. Instead you might have undescended testes within you. And you've got XY chromosomes. A bit of an identity crisis, don't you think? Hardly any easier for a boy with partial AIS who just always might or might not have felt a bit unsure of his gender and then suddenly starts developing female secondary characteristics at puberty."

He took a deep breath, telling his heart to slow down, his palms to stop sweating. "But what reason is there really to feel any shame about this kind of a condition at all? Gender and sex simply are more complicated than we've been taught to think. It's not just black and white, there are many shades of gray in-between. Our society is slowly becoming more tolerant of sexual variation, of gays, lesbians, bisexual and whatever there are. I think it's time to become more aware also of the gender variations. After all, you can't even identify as straight or gay or bi, unless you think of yourself as one of the two traditional genders. Intersex is only one piece in this all…"

He fell silent, sort of trailing off, wondering if he had said all he had planned to say. He had a feeling he hadn't been talking quite as clearly as he could have hoped. But, at least he'd done it. He glanced at the teacher who took the hint and stood up, clearing self-consciously her throat.

"Well, that was quite interesting, Fujiwara-kun, thank you. Does anyone…" she coughed again a little, "does anyone have anything to… say?"

There was a short silence. "Freaky," one of the boys said then. Sai paused on his way to his place and looked at him.

"Why so?"

The boy shrugged. "It just is. Don't you think so?"

"Your skills in argumentation are truly profound," Sai said dryly. "It just is." Someone snickered.

"How common is it?" a girl asked.

"Oh… I knew I forgot something! It's not overly common, but still more common than you'd probably guess. It's a bit difficult to make exact estimations, but according to some there might be one child out of every two thousand are born with anatomy that some regard as sexually ambiguous, and some say that if we also talk about nongenital sexual variation – like, about cases with intersexed chromosomes or internal organs – it would be something like one or two per one hundred births. So, yeah, there are quite many of…" us, he almost said. "Of intersexed people in the world."

"The way you look, one could think you're one," the same boy said. His tone was light, but Sai still gave him a long look, suspicious.

"Even if I were, I would hardly tell about it to someone who just called it freaky, don't you think?"

"Totally so!" another girl put in. "I bet it's comments like that that make these intersex people keep quiet about it all."

The discussion erupted from that. Sai mainly just sat back and listened. For the most part, he thought, they seemed to react positively, though quite many seemed to think that medication held the solution to everything. "What if the person in question doesn't want any medication?" Sai put in at that. "What if they are perfectly happy as they are?" Most of them didn't seem to understand that too well, though, and quite soon the teacher put an end to the discussion, wrapping it up shorter than usually.

.

"So? How did it go?" Hikaru asked him during the break.

Sai shrugged. "I don't know. Okay, I guess. I didn't tell them. I thought about it… but in the end I just didn't dare."

"Well… at least you've now spread the awareness, or something."

"Yeah," Sai said with a small tired smile. "Big difference it makes, I'm sure."

Akari joined them. "Hikaru told me about your presentation," She said. "That was pretty brave of you!"

"Oh?" Sai blinked. "I didn't think of it like that. Maybe. But I didn't even tell them, in the end."

"Still! I think that was great."

"What did the teacher say?" Hikaru asked, remembering that the social studies teacher was also Sai's homeroom teacher, and so the only one aware of his condition.

"Nothing much. Except that I should be more careful." Sai's smile was quite wry. "Maybe I should have warned her about my subject. But I was afraid she'd tell me to talk about something else. I got a good grade, though."

"What else?" Hikaru snorted. "Seriously, you don't even need to study that hard. You'll get good grades anyway."

"It's not as easy as you imagine," Sai claimed.

"You could try studying hard some day too, Hikaru," Akari said. "You might be surprised at the results." Hikaru just rolled his eyes at her.

...

About one month after starting the medication Sai was scheduled for a check-up with doctor Akimoto. The doctor examined him and nodded then contently. "We can already see promising development here," he said. "One more month, and the situation will have improved greatly. And you have had no side effects, either? No weight gain, hot flashes, nausea, leg cramps… anything such? Good."

"Do you think," Sai asked, voicing a thought that had sometimes passed his mind, though he had never stopped to dwell on it, "that it might cause mood swings?"

"Mmm, I'm not sure." The doctor eyed his papers. "It's not among the listed side effects, at least. Of course, that doesn't mean it would be impossible. Why?"

"I've just… been feeling so moody ever since I started taking it."

"I have noticed," his mother said. "Sadao has been… sometimes downright depressed lately. And I think it's quite weird, considering that his life has taken some happy turns recently."

"Hmm. Would you like to change the medication, to be sure?"

Sai shrugged. "I guess I can deal with it. I mean, if the medication works and that's the only problem, it's not too bad. Some other medication might be worse…"

"Well, if you are sure. Contact me if you change your mind, or if the symptoms get worse."

"Are you quite sure?" his mother asked when the left. "I have been worried about you recently. You look always so gloomy."

"I'm just a bit tired," Sai muttered. "I guess that's part of the reason. And it's not like I'd be going to use this medication forever. A month or so more, and maybe I can stop."

His mother was quiet a long while. "Well," she said then. "Yes, I guess you're right."

.

At home, sitting again by his school books, his mind was still dwelling on the medication. He turned on his computer and googled about the side effects of the medicine. The main use of the medicine in question seemed to be for women to treat breast cancer. The list of side effects online said nothing about mood swings either, but when he added 'for males' in the search he got another article, and that mentioned depression.

"Well, whatever," he muttered, turned off the computer and returned to his history book.

...

The time came for Hikaru to leave his application for the insei exam. Luckily Sai pointed this out to the boy, as he seemed to be completely clueless about it.

"What, already? But the exam is in December, isn't it?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Sai asked, quite annoyed. He glowered at the boy over the textbook he had been reading in the school library. "Of course you need to apply for it before the exam! You really should learn to take care of your business by yourself, I can't be always there babysitting you!"

Hikaru frowned, but let that pass. "So, I'll just go there and say I want to take the exam?"

"Yes," Sai said with a sigh, calming down a bit. "And on the day of the exam you need to go there with your mother. And you should also record three of your games and take those records with you."

"Game records?" Hikaru blinked. "How do you do those?"

"How do you... haven't I... I'll show you some day. Pick some good games, you need to impress them."

"Like the one we played last week?"

Sai nodded. "If you still remember it."

"Of course I do! Can't you show me how to record it now?"

Sai closed his book, sighing again. "Whatever, it's not like I could concentrate on reading with you here. Let's go to see if they got some record paper in the go club."

"Oh don't bother," Hikaru said sharply and stood up. "I'm sure there's someone there who could show me if you rather stay here reading."

"Oh, I... I'm coming." Sai stood up hurriedly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

They headed together to the go club and did find there some kifu paper. Hikaru wrote down his game, following Sai's instruction. When he was finished, he looked at his friend hopefully.

"How about a game now that we are here?"

"I don't think we have time," Sai said. "Classes will start soon again."

"One round of speed go! There's always time for that!"

Feeling like he probably owed it to Hikaru, the way he had been behaving, Sai gave in. "It must be real speed go, in that case."

They did play fast, placing down their stones as soon as the other had let go of the previous one. The constant snapping of stone against wood was almost hypnotic, and the quick pace got into them, making them both try to play even faster. Sai might have started the game out of bad conscience, but soon he that was forgotten, and all he could think of – thoughts flying faster than ever – was the game.

Right when the school clock rang, calling them to classes, he snapped the last stone on the board.

They looked at each other. "That was fun," Hikaru said.

"Yeah," Sai agreed, returning his grin. "But we need to hurry now."

They rushed out of the room, leaving the game on the board. "You think you have time to discuss that after school?" Hikaru asked. "I'd like to."

"Sure!" Sai said before he remembered he had been planning to go straight home to read. He didn't take back his promise though, and after school they met in the go club, where some other members had already gathered round their game.

"Oh, is it you who played that?" Kaneko asked. "It has some weird shapes."

"That was the speediest round of speed go ever!" Hikaru exclaimed, grinning. "Awful lot of fun, wasn't it?"

Sai nodded, unable to deny it. "Yeah. We were just going to discuss it, if you want to join us."

They did. And after that discussion Sai somehow ended up playing against other go club members, and before he knew it, he had spent there much longer than he had planned. He grimaced as he looked at the watch. "I really need to go now," he said.

Hikaru nodded, getting up. "I think I'll go too," he said.

As they walked out of the school together, Hikaru gave Sai a bit of a sly look. "See?" he asked. "It's what I've said before. You're much happier when you play. You should play more!"

"Of course I'm happier when I play," Sai exclaimed. "But I want to be happy in the future too. Don't you understand that? I need to get into a good high school. I'm not going to give my parents any chance to complain."

Hikaru sighed, "I do get that. But... I just don't like it. I mean, you've been a good student before too, but you never were this grumpy. Why? Is something wrong? Or are you just studying too much?"

"There's no such thing as studying too much for me right now," Sai said. He sighed. "I don't... I don't think I'm that grumpy. Am I?"

"You're always snapping," Hikaru pointed out. "As if you were constantly in a bad mood, or something. And that's not like you at all."

Sai thought about this, quietly. "Maybe..." he started to say, but didn't finish the thought.

"Yeah?" Hikaru looked at him curiously.

He shook his head. "I don't know. I'll think about it."

"About studying less?"

"No!" Sai resisted the urge to give Hikaru a glare. "Other... things."

When he came home he saw to his surprise that his father had already come before him. He nodded to his parents who were sitting in the living room. "I'll go to do my homework before dinner," he said, and his mother nodded.

"You came home quite late," his father said. "What were you doing?"

"I... ended up visiting the go club today," Sai admitted. "I hadn't been there in ages, so I thought it's time. Of course, now that I'm pro I can't play in the school tournaments and such, but I don't want to just ignore them."

His father frowned at his explanation. "Should you be spending so much time on something like that? A school go club – yes, I can believe that is quite out of your league. You have your studies to concentrate on, instead of something trivial like that."

"It's not trivial," Sai stopped on his way to argue. "It's... it's fun. It's a way to relax a little amid all this studying. I mean, I am studying a lot!"

"We know that, dear," his mother put in. "And surely it is just a good to spend a short while every now and then to relax your mind."

"A short while," his father grumbled. "You should have been home hours ago."

"Less than two hours ago, really," Sai retorted. "Is it that serious? I needed a break!"

"Just don't make it a habit."

"Oh, whatever!" Sai exclaimed, a stinging feeling in his eyes. "Can't even have a moment of fun anymore? Just forget it, I have homework to do, so please excuse me now!"

He rushed up to his room and slammed his backpack on the floor. It was so totally unfair. Ever since the pro exam he had done nothing but studied, studied, studied, to the point Hikaru was getting sick of him, and that was the thanks? Less than two hours in the go club, was that really so awful?

Instead of taking out his homework he headed to his bedroom and collapsed on the bed. What's the point to try, if they just complained? They hadn't even said anything of all the good grades he'd been getting. And still, he was trying his hardest to be what they wanted. A good student. A good son. He gasped a sobbing breath. "Who cares?" he whispered at the white ceiling.

He jumped up again and rushed to the door, where he almost ran into his mother.

"Oh!" She looked startled. "I... wanted to... are you alright, darling?" she asked, seeing the tears in Sai's eyes. "Maybe it is good you had a little break today. I don't want you to overexert yourself."

Sai bit down an angry retort. "I need to use the toilet," he instead mumbled, and pushed through the doorway by his mother. He walked briskly to the toilet, feeling her gaze following him. In the toilet he pulled angrily his shirt away and looked at himself in the mirror.

The medication did work, that was clear even to his naked eye. Still, his chest didn't look like a boy's should. He looked at his profile and gave an uneven breath. Was this right? Had it been a mistake to start that medication? Even if it wasn't any androgen therapy, even if it wouldn't form his body that much, it was still changing him.

Changing him to what he would have been without this medical condition, he told himself. Though hadn't he been thinking about that before? What was the point of such thoughts... he was who he was and what was, and this condition was a part of him. Why was he pretending anything else?

He pulled the shirt back on. When he left the toilet he saw his mother again – he assumed she must have been waiting for him to come out. She was worried, he could see that, but he felt too tired to really care.

"I think I'll stop taking that medication," he said.

She nodded. "It…"

"And I think I'd like to see the therapist again," he added quietly, cutting her off.

She fell quiet for a moment. "Well, of course, if you want to," she said then. "And about the medication, I think might be for the best. I'll contact the doctor to see if there is something else we..."

Sai was shaking his head. "No. I'm not stopping it because it's making me depressed or something. I'm stopping it because I should never have started it in the first pace. And I don't want any other medication, either."

"But, Sadao, dear..." she started, but paused. "Well, maybe we'll talk about it later, darling?"

Sai said nothing but marched into his room and closed the door behind himself.

A/N: Re: Sai's presentation... I wasn't sure of how much of it actually put in there. I kept on cutting and pasting pieces of it back and forth. Then I figured that I'll leave most of it there, and if anyone finds it boring and wants to skip, well, that's fine. Also, I'd again like to point out that I'm not intersex or even non-binary in anyway, so. I'm just presenting things the way I see them, if there's anything off at any point, don't hesitate to tell me.

Thank you for reading, and see you hopefully next week, but no promises about that!