Hello! I'm so sorry about the wait, I can't believe it's been nearly two months... but here's finally the next chapter. In addition to having been quite busy, I had a huge writer's block both with this chapter and just all writing in general. I'm really hoping I'm getting my muse kickstarted again. I think I should get the next one out much sooner, but I doubt it's happening next week. Two weeks from now, maybe? *hoping for the best*

Chapter 20

In January, it was finally time for something Sai had been looking forward to for long: the shin shodan games. The first one to play his game was Ochi, the second Sai, and then finally it would be Akira's turn. Sometimes Sai wondered quietly to himself if they decided on that order just to leave what everyone were most waiting for last – he might have been the first to pass, but apparently that wasn't quite enough to steal the spotlight from Akira. Understandable, perhaps, given how long media (and everyone else) had had to wait for Akira' debut.

That's what he thought, at times, though in truth he knew that it probably had more to do with the schedules of the pros who'd be playing them. Speaking of which…

His heart fluttered in his chest. He really would be playing his game against the Honinbou. The old man… perhaps wasn't his favorite person among the pros, but certainly among his top three favorite players. He still wasn't quite sure whether he'd rank Ogata or Kuwabara as number 2 after the Meijin. Perhaps this game would help him make his mind. (Then there was Akira, of course, who also wasa pro these days, but his friends weren't in the same league with others in his mind.)

On the day of the game, Sai left to the Go Association on foot. His mother had offered him a ride, but the weather was crisp but not too chilly, and he wanted to walk to clear his head a bit. That's what he told his mother, anyway, and it was also true, sure – just, not the whole truth.

The rest of the truth… was burning inside his pocket. It was small, cylindrical, and something he had bought quite recently just for this occasion, still feeling ridiculously nervous and guilty as the cashier at the cosmetics store rung his purchase.

At the new year's party at the IS association, he had worn his old lipstick for the first time after such a long time. It had been just as exciting as always before, but his nervousness had faded away quickly as no one made a big deal about it – Miwako and Shizue just mentioned how well the color suited him. In fact, it had felt so completely natural that he had simply forgotten he was wearing any, and so he forgot to remove it when he headed to the second party. There, he did note the raised eyebrows and long looks, but in the end he realized he simply didn't care. Akira too had just complimented it, and Hikaru… well, to his surprise, the boy hadn't laughed. Actually, he hadn't said anything at all about the lipstick – although he sure did stare a long while.

…overall, Hikaru had been a little strange that night. Somehow… withdrawn and almost nervous, though Sai couldn't figure out any reason for that. In fact, it hadn't been just that night. Hikaru's strange behavior had gone on ever since after it. The boy was quiet, a little on edge, and every now and then Sai caught him staring with a weird expression on his face.

He was slightly worried, but decided to ignore that for now. Whatever was going on could wait until he had played his shin shodan game. This was his debut as a pro, he told himself strictly. He couldn't risk allowing whatever drama that was consuming Hikaru at the moment to disturb him now.

His debut as a pro. He thought of those words as he entered a public toilet at a subway station. Was he sure he wanted to do this right now?

Yes, he replied shortly to himself. He had been thinking this through many times, as it was. He'd start his career being true to himself.

The toilet was, thankfully, empty. Peering into the mirror he took out his new lipstick, this one not violet – that, he felt, might have been a bit too much for this kind of an event. He had asked for something modest but not too modest, something that would work in a professional setting, and he did rather like the shade he had finally chosen. It remained to be seen what others would think of it.

He looked at himself long in the mirror and nodded a little. It was a good color. He was also happy he had kept his head and bought himself a new suit, a pastel-shaded lilac one, instead of using the old dark blue one his parents favored. Especially his father had mumbled something about the 'girly colors' of this suit, but luckily hadn't objected too strongly. Sai had been worried about that, for the closer the start of his career came, the moodier his father seemed to become. He hadn't said anything about it, just taken care of the practical things, such as opening the bank account, as he had promised. Still, Sai had noticed that even his mother threading softly around him these days, and so he too had decided to stay out of sight as much as he could. That was luckily easy, given how little his father was at home, and when he was, Sai could practically lock himself in his room on the pretext of studying. Still, the atmosphere at their home was once again growing chillier, day by day, and Sai couldn't help feeling he should do something about it, if he only knew what.

Someone entered the toilet as he stood there thinking of his father, and he turned away from the mirror with a start, fumbling to get the lipstick quickly back into his pocket. A little embarrassed over his panic he quickly left and started walking toward the go association.

As he arrived at the association, he found the reporter Amano waiting for him. He had been expecting that, as he know from Ochi that they would first take some photos, probably outside, as the weather was so good.

"Good morning, Fujiwara-kun!" Amano nodded at him, and he returned the greeting. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thanks." He was. He had been nervous the day before, but now, he was just mainly excited. After all, this was a game he knew he wouldn't win, and that was fine. It'd still be a wonderful chance to play against a top pro, and this game, he just knew it, could not be anything but amazing.

In fact, if he was nervous at all, it was for reasons completely unrelated to the game.

"Morning," he heard Kuwabara's voice croaking behind his back, and turned and bowed.

"Good morning."

"Well then, Fujiwara-kun, I have certainly—" The old man stopped abruptly talking, stared at him with unblinking eyes and barked then out his cackling laugh. "Well! Do my old eyes deceive me, or is that lipstick you're wearing?"

"Indeed it is," Sai said nonchalantly, bracing himself. "What about it?"

Kuwabara was still eyeing him with an amused glint in his eyes. "Nothing, nothing," he chuckled. "Ah, the youth these days! So daring."

Sure, Sai thought to himself, a little annoyed. Unimaginably daring.

"Umm…" Amano seemed to be a little bit at a loss, glancing at Sai's lips and then away again with a confused expression. Clearly he hadn't realized anything before Kuwabara pointed it out. "Uh, that is… we… should maybe go out to take the picture…?"

"Yes, yes, let's go!" Kuwabara said, starting to usher them out. "Let's take a beautiful picture! I hope having an old crone like me in it won't completely ruin it!"

Both Sai and Amano remained quiet, letting the old man chuckle to himself. They went out, Amano's cameraman snapped a few photos, Amano asked a few questions, and after that it was time to head in for the game.

"I'm quite curious to see how you will play in this game, Fujiwara-kun," Kuwabara said as they walked toward the Yūgen no Ma room. "Some believe it was a fluke you won all your games in the test. Now, even though I think that it is just foolish, I know very well that luck also is a factor in any game." He gave Sai a sideward glance, something glinting in his eye. "So how much of it was luck? How about the game against Touya-kun? They say he wasn't quite at his best there."

"Who knows? I have won against him when he's been at his best, too," Sai said quietly, beginning to get a little annoyed. He was afraid it showed, too, but the Honinbou didn't seem to care, just kept on watching him from the corner of his half-open eye.

"So, all this," Kuwabara gestured with his hand in Sai's general direction, "your choice of attire and, hm, cosmetics, what is it? An attempt to bewilder an old man? A strategy to start building yourself a persona that makes it sure you will catch attention? I wouldn't have thought you'd need such tricks to…"

"I don't," Sai cut him off – a little rude, yes, but he didn't really care. "I'm wearing what I do just because I want to, that's all." Honestly, maybe his suit's color and cut wasn't quite traditional, but it wasn't that weird. Was all this questioning really just because of some lipstick? Ridiculous…

They had reached Yūgen no Ma. "Well then," Kuwabara said with a chuckle. "You've got attitude kid, show me now what else you got."

"I will, sir," Sai said shortly as they entered the room and headed for their seats.

...

It was rather annoying, Hikaru thought, that the shin shodan games took place at the same time with their insei class. In Ochi's case, he hadn't minded, hadn't even headed to follow the rest of the game when they were finished, unlike some of his classmates. Well, they knew Ochi, even though they didn't seem to like him much, so it made sense they were curious about his game. Today though, when Sai was playing… he really would have wanted to call in sick. Just, when the place where you are supposed to be and the place where you want to be are in the same building, it gets a little difficult to get away with something like that.

He had now been an insei for about a month, and he did enjoy it even more than he had thought he would. He hadn't yet made it into the A league, but his games had been solid, clearly improving during this time, and he knew he'd easily be there by the time of the Young Lions Tournament in May – in fact, he might even start February in that league.

Even though he normally enjoyed these sessions quite a lot, right now he couldn't wait for the games to end so that he could leave. The girl he was playing with was painfully slow, and he watched with jealousy as Waya left the room to go to follow Sai's game. He was rushing the game, he knew that, but at least this girl was one of the weakest in the class, so he was fairly confident he would still be able to pull a win.

But why was she so slow! Hikaru glowered at her, then at the clock on the wall. Minutes ticked by, and he couldn't help thinking about all those great moves Sai had to be playing right now. Then, finally, the girl shook her head after spending way too long thinking about it.

"I've lost," she said.

"Thank you for the game!" Hikaru exclaimed. "Do you mind if we don't discuss it now?" He didn't really wait for an answer but started clearing the board. "I'm in a bit of a hurry…"

"Oh, I… I guess," the girl said, blinking.

"Thank you!" Hikaru basically fled from the room before their teacher would spot him and – with his luck – want to discuss their game or something such.

He rushed to the room, Yūgen no Ma, the room of mysterious profundity – such a ridiculous name, he though, and not for the first time – and paused shortly behind it's door.

Mysterious profundity… such a ridiculous name, but…

…with Sai behind that door, it sort of made sense.

He took a deep breath and walked by the door to enter the neighboring room from where they could follow the game.

"Hi, Shindou," Waya said when he entered. Others in the room nodded at him too. He knew them all, or at least their faces. Ogata was there – no surprise about that – and that young guy from Touya's study group, Ashiwara, was it? And then the reporter guy and a cameraman. Waya was sitting together with Touya and Ochi a little apart from others, by a go board. A strange trio, Hikaru thought to himself as he headed to them. Ochi nodded at him shortly, Touya gave an absentminded greeting, never really taking his eyes off the screen showing the game.

"I can show you the game up to now," Waya said, and he nodded, but didn't yet turn to the other boy. His eyes were fixed on the scene displayed on the screen everyone was watching. The image showed Sai at the moment.

Sai…

Hikaru swallowed. Sai. He sat there, straight-backed, composed, every inch of him as perfect as a painting. His violet suit that Hikaru hadn't seen ever before matched the color of his eyes quite perfectly. Sai reached forward, a black stone in his slender fingers, and placed it gracefully on the board, expression utterly unreadable. Something about him, the piercing look in his eyes, his hands resting calmly on his lap as he waited for his opponent to make his move, the curve of his lips, unsmiling at the moment…

Mysterious profundity.

"Shindou?"

He gave a start. "Oh! Oh, yeah, the game. Sure." He sat down and Waya started playing the game from the beginning.

It was exactly the kind of game he would have expected Sai to play in a situation like this, against an opponent like this. From the very beginning he had started with a variation that made it clear he wasn't playing the game just for ceremony's sake. This was his first pro game, and he was taking it seriously. And the Honinbou, then? He clearly wasn't planning to let Sai have his way here. For every ingenious plan Sai came up with, he had a counter.

Others had maybe thought this'd be just a game for show, but… he'd known better. At the moment, the game was quite even, it could theoretically go either way. Could Sai win a game like this? The camera showed currently Kuwabara, and looking at the old man's face, far less graceful but just as expressionless and composed as Sai's, Hikaru couldn't quite believe it.

"Interesting," Ogata was saying. "Kuwabara's last move… he's not holding back, is he?"

Hikaru blinked and looked at the board more carefully. True… instead of playing a conventional, safe move that everyone would have expected a title holder to play against a rookie pro, he had gone for a two-step hane. It was… quite a move, and it might in fact be enough to turn the game for the Honinbou. Still, even that move wasn't enough to keep Hikaru's attention on this game he had been so eager to see, as his eyes kept on leaving the board and returning to Sai's face.

He sat quietly next to Waya who probably thought he was completely immersed in the game, watching Sai dwelling on his next move, a strange disquiet within him that had nothing to do with the amazing game he was just witnessing. One by one, stones snapped on the board, their pattern growing more complex by every move, and by every moment he was feeling more and more lost.

...

"I have lost," Sai said, his voice level. A part of him was disappointed, more so than he would have thought. He had known it would end like this, and in the end he had done better than he had imagined beforehand, so being disappointed didn't make sense, but…

…but this had been one of those games where he forgot everything, where the outside worlds ceased to have any meaning and all that mattered were the evolving formations on the board. He hadn't remembered that this was a game he would not – could not – be winning. It was just a game, a game against an amazing opponent, and he gave it his all. Having to surrender before the end… well, naturally that was disappointing.

Sai took a deep breath as they exchanged thanks for the game. Next, they would discuss it, and that too was something to look forward to. He had so much to say of this game, and he could not wait to hear the thoughts of his opponent and the others who had been following it.

As it turned out, he wasn't the only one with a lot to say. The discussion took long, and when they were finally wrapping up things, Sai was getting quite worn out. It was turning into a long day, and even though it hadn't been physically demanding, mentally it was exhausting.

"Luck had little to do with it, right," Kuwabara said as they were getting up from their seats, and Sai blinked, his tired brain taking a moment to remember what they had been talking about before the game. He chose to say nothing, just shrugged a little in response.

"I'll be following your progress with interest," Kuwabara went on, stretching carefully his back. "Uh, these long sessions sitting aren't getting any easier with age! But don't get too hopeful, boy! This old man is still far from retirement!" He chuckled to himself, stretched, and even Sai could he the loud pop from somewhere within him.

Kuwabara grimaced. "Far from retirement," he muttered to himself, rubbing his back. "Not going to yield the world to you boys yet for a good while, you or Touya-kun." He gave Sai a half-lidded look, something glinting in his eyes. "But you are a peculiar one. Aren't you afraid that you're distracting people from what really matters, kid? From your talent with go, I mean. Such an eccentric look—"

"I'm the one who's eccentric here?" Sai couldn't help huffing. Kuwabara burst into cackling laughter.

"Guilty as charged, maybe!" He tsked his tongue a little. "But it was the first thing I said, wasn't it, when I first saw you? 'Are boys so pretty nowadays?' And with boys pretty as you and girls with short hair wearing suits, one can't really tell who is what! Is it any wonder if one gets confused with you young people!" He chuckled on, and the gleam in his half-open eyes hadn't disappeared anywhere. Sai could see that he was being provocative on purpose, and tried to hold back from saying what he thought.

"Your thinking really is stuck in the past," he still couldn't help muttering quietly to himself.

Kuwabara's hearing clearly hadn't deteriorated quite yet. "Oh, and here I thought I'm keeping up quite nicely with the changing times, for an old man like me! Would you mind telling me how exactly I'm stuck in the past?"

Sai opened his mouth, and closed it then. He hadn't really planned to start speaking of these things here and now, but in a way, he felt he couldn't just drop the matter. He may have had to surrender on the go board, but he wasn't about to back off in life. Not anymore. Maybe it was still the adrenaline of the game, but the idea of just meekly dodging the question was as unpalatable as the thought of only defending himself on the board without ever going on the attack.

"I just meant… when you imagine there are only two genders," he said quietly.

"Oh?" Kuwabara, who had just stepped out of the room, paused and turned to look at Sai. He said nothing more, but that single syllable was questioning enough.

Sai paused again, but… having said that much, what other choice was there but to press on.

"There are more genders than just two," he said as he followed the Honinbou out of the room. There were other people out there too, he noted. Ogata and Ashiwara were among them, and… behind the white-clad man's back, Hikaru. Again he hesitated, but just for a moment. "There are more genders than just two," he repeated. "And I don't think I quite fall into that binary classification."

"What are you talking about, Fujiwara-kun?"

Sai flinched. It had completely slipped his mind that Amano too was also still there. A moment he faltered; not wanting to back down in front of the Honinbou wasn't quite the same as speaking of these things to a reporter.

"Well, I… we… were just talking of… uh, gender minorities, I guess, and…" His voice trailed off, but he already had Amano's unwavering attention.

"Did I hear correctly that you do not identify as male?"

"Ah-I…" Sai shifted a little, wishing he had never opened his mouth. The feeling was quite similar to realizing his stones were being completely surrounded. Where was the path to life? "It… is a bit more complicated than that…"

"Would you mind telling us more about this?" Sai could practically see how Amano's gears were turning into the position of a news hound getting a whiff of a story. "I don't believe we've ever had an openly non-binary go pro before, this is certainly—"

"Amano-san," Ogata's voice cut him off when Sai was desperately trying to come up with what to say. "I don't think this is the correct time to speak of such things. This day has been quite important for Fujiwara-kun, and I believe that is what you should focus on. That is what your readers are looking forward, too. Perhaps some day you can have an interview on these… other matters."

"Well, yes, but…"

"Also," Ogata cut him off again, adjusting his glasses as he gave the reporter a sharp look, "you should keep in mind you're talking to a minor. Discretion is important. With sensitive matters parental permission might be necessary for the interview."

Sai couldn't help again wincing a little – something he was sure both Ogata and Kuwabara noticed. His parents would certainly be thrilled about the idea of him giving an interview like this.

"Yes, of course…" Amano seemed finally to be reigning in his excitement. "Of course. Well. Congratulations on your game today, Fujiwara-kun. It really exceeded all expectations."

"Uh, thank you…" Sai gave a little bow, wishing only he could finally get away and go home.

"Yes, yes indeed," Kuwabara put in. "Thank you for the game today, Fujiwara-kun. It has been such an intriguing day. As I said, I will follow your career with great interest."

Sai bowed again as the old man took his leave without saying anything of what had just transpired, his smiling expression telling Sai nothing about what he was thinking.

Amano and his cameraman left as well. The others stood a moment in silence as Sai frantically thought what to say. What he wanted to say to all these people – Ogata and Hikaru, and also Akira, Ochi and Ashiwara – was so different in each case that he couldn't think of a single common factor. At least the judges had already left. Small mercies.

"Want a ride home?" Ogata asked suddenly. The man smiled a little wryly at Sai's uncomfortable expression. "I promise I won't be asking any awkward questions. And I'm giving a ride to Akira-kun too, could you drop you off first."

"Umm… I, yes, thank you." Probably a better idea than taking the subway right now, the way he was feeling.

Akira had come to stand by Ogata's side and was watching him with serious eyes. "Say… is 'he' the correct pronoun to use of you?"

Sai opened his mouth and closed it then. "Uh… I, it's… ok? I mean, it's… complicated…" He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. "Maybe we could… talk of these things some other time?"

Akira nodded. "Sure."

"I'll be going too," Ochi put in. "And don't worry, I'll be quiet about this. Not like I cared one way or another." The boy gave a quick bow, aimed at Ogata, and walked away without another word.

Sai finally turned to Hikaru who had been following the exchange completely quiet, his expression unreadable. "Umm, could we… meet tomorrow?" That would be Sunday. Better to talk things through before the start of the school week.

Hikaru nodded, still quiet. Something shifted on his face, but the emotion passed so quickly that Sai couldn't catch what it was. There was a moment's silence. "Tomorrow then," Hikaru said. "Afternoon?"

"Yeah, I… could I come over around three?"

"Sure." Hikaru nodded, and fell again quiet for a moment. "By then," he said then and simply left. Waya gave a hurried bow and run after him, having said nothing at all during the whole time.

"Let's get going then," Ogata said. He glanced at Ashiwara, who was also still hovering around. "Please, try to keep your mouth shut about this for now."

"Of course!" Ashiwara exclaimed. "What, do you imagine I'd run around blabbing of others' private business to everyone?!"

"I'm mainly worried about how your tongue keeps constantly slipping," Ogata said dryly. "Try to keep it in check."

"Of course," Ashiwara repeated, looking a little flustered. He turned to give Sai a smile. "Don't worry about this, I'll be quiet, I promise! But if you want to talk about this some day, I would really…" Ogata cleared his throat and Ashiwara fell quiet.

"Sure," Sai said, pulling his slips into a smile.

Finally they left the Go Association. Sai followed Ogata and Akira in silence to the car. As they drove off, he sat quietly in the backseat staring out, and thankfully neither of his companions said anything either. When they had almost reached his home, he blinked, coming to think of something.

"Umm, do you want to join us tomorrow too?" he asked Akira, leaning a little forward to look at his friend on the front seat.

Akira considered a moment but shook then his head. "We can talk some other time. I think it's better you talk with Shindou in private."

"Oh?" Sai blinked again. "Well, whatever you want, I guess…"

Silence fell again, and they spoke nothing more before saying goodbyes at his home.

"Need one?" Akira asked, offering him a tissue as he was getting out of the car. Sai looked at it in confusion and realized then that he was still wearing the lipstick. He took it and wiped the lipstick off as he walked to the front door. He really didn't feel like he could face the storm that would rise if his parents saw that right now.

He was careful to put a pleasant expression on his face before meeting his mother. For once he was happy his mother didn't care about go and he didn't need to tell her about the game. He excused himself quickly, saying he was a bit tired and would go to his room to replay the game – yes, it had been so great! – and she didn't look at him twice as he climbed upstairs, feeling utterly drained.