22: A Past I Couldn't Wish Away
Unable quite to rest, I still taught three mornings a week, at the same troubled school as Mika. Friends had urged me to retire, or at least take on a voluntary role at some quiet private school somewhere, without the pressure, but that held no appeal for me. I still felt I could make a difference in the lives of these troubled children, and Tom believed in me and encouraged me to continue. I hoped, like Eddie, to continue doing that until my very last day. But now I had stopped wishing for that day, and hoped to have as long as possible, with Tom.
It had been different with Tom. Of course it had. He was a different person than Eddie. I had loved Eddie long before our first kiss. With Tom, I enjoyed the companionship, the friendship, and affection, but my love for him grew slowly. But grow it did. Affection became attraction, hugs became kisses, holding became sex, despite what anyone says about people our age, yes we do do that. I enjoyed every part of him, his warm smile, his kind eyes, his generous heart, the warmth of his body and the gentleness of his touch. After two years he moved permanently into my house. It stopped feeling like mine and Eddie's, Tom and I moved a few things around, got some redecorating done, and it began to feel like mine and Tom's house. As we built our home, we also built a new life together, one filled with love, laughter, many, many children, and hope for the future.
Eddie was the love of my life. No one could ever measure up to him. Not even my dear, sweet Tom. I had almost lost Eddie twice, first when I went off and married another man, unable to come between him and his child. Second when he suffered terribly with the coronavirus. The third time unfortunately had been final, and I could never have him back now. But what I did have in Tom was the companionship of a sweet, kind, loving man, who made me happy once again. I wasn't going to let him go. I never had a sense of wishing Tom had come into my life earlier, like I had with Eddie. Now I'd built a past I couldn't wish away. Tom came into my life at exactly the right time, and I loved him for it, and would love him for as long as we had together. We planned not to marry. I wouldn't actually have married Eddie either, if it weren't for making the adoption easier, though in time I was glad we'd done it. It didn't change how Eddie and I felt about each other, and it didn't either now, with Tom. Anyway, our resolve didn't last very long. Chlo talked us into it, and aged 80, I walked down the aisle and married Tom – although I never gave up my name for any of my three husbands, I remain always Rachel Mason. Only Adam ever had a problem with that. Chlo did my hair and makeup. I felt ridiculous at first, making such a fuss at my age. But when I looked at myself in the mirror I nearly cried. I felt beautiful for the first time since Eddie had been there to say so. And this time, it was for Tom.