Thanks to Gina for your lovely review. And don't worry, Kelly is going to be more open to Stella. He needs just a little more time. We all know Severide, don't we?
And thanks to you, Kiki, for the little, but much needed, nudge...
Speaking of: Sorry for the long wait. I have to confess this chapter was hard to write, and I can't pinpoint why exactly.
And to be honest, I'm not very happy with how it turned out, but I post it nonetheless because I can't figure it out, and I haven't managed to spell out a better version, so here it goes ...
I hope some of you out there can enjoy it either way.
Chapter LII
"I've got you!"
Matt repeated the words he thought he heard in his head. Who was talking? And was it really directed at him? Whose voice was it? It could be Severide, he thought. Was it him he kept hearing? He couldn't recognize it clearly, but he had the inkling it would be something Kelly would say to him. He tried to listen, but a shrieking noise in the background made it almost impossible for him to concentrate. The sound was deafening, distracting to a point where he simply wanted to shriek along. And to an extent, he exactly did that. Even if his voice kept silent, his thoughts screamed in competition with the caustic sound, and he couldn't stop all this confusion he felt, even if he tried.
"ECG shows still SVTs, Will."
Kelly heard Dr. Choi say in a low voice. However, he decided to concentrate on his brother.
"Casey, hey buddy. Listen to me! Open your eyes. It's gonna be okay."
Kelly felt terribly useless when he realized that his efforts to calm Matt down seemed not to affect the other at all. And the fact that the doctor was getting nervous reinforced his suspicion that he was of no help.
Halstead was wrong. Matt didn't need him or trusted him by the looks of it. He wasn't reacting to him at all.
Kelly's own desperation increased when he noticed that Matt's body was now soaked in sweat. He could feel the heat radiating from Casey and noticed how his body temperature adjusted to Matt's.
At first, he thought his palm felt damp because he was still holding Matt's hand, but slowly he noticed how his own sweat was dripping down his back as well. So, it was only fair to assume that his palms were perspiring too. His head began to pound again, and his stomach turned. He felt the whole situation stressing him out.
He turned to Will and asked, "what's going on? Why isn't he waking up?"
"Just keep talking to him," the doctor advised him, "you're doing great."
"I don't do anything!" Kelly almost shouted at Will, even if the frustration he felt was mainly directed at himself. "He's not reacting. Look at him!"
"Severide, these things need time. Just keep talking."
And so, he did as the doctor told him.
"Hey, Matt? Matt? Can you hear me? It's me, Kelly." He repressed the urge to shake the other man awake roughly. "Come on, Casey, open your eyes. You don't wanna sleep all day, do you?"
Sleep. It sounded like heaven. Just sleep. No more voices, no more heat, no more confusion - Matt wanted so badly to stop all of this. He didn't want to open his eyes, but he didn't like this feeling of being trapped either. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but he knew he needed THIS to be over!
"I'm pushing another round of Amiodaron," Dr. Choi said to no one particular in the room as he administered the drugs. "We need to get his heart rate down."
Kidd, who was standing in the background the whole time, watching the situation closely, now spoke up. "What's the problem? Why is it taking so long? I thought he was stable?"
Halstead took a step back and stood at the end of the bed next to the female firefighter. "He is. His heart rate's a bit fast and erratic. But Doctor Choi is taking care of that right now. It's gonna get better."
Just then, Ethan said, "Amiodarone is in."
Kidd looked at him and asked, "now what?"
Halstead didn't wait long to give her an answer. "Now we're going to wait for the drug to work. His heart rate should slow down."
Kidd watched the vital signs intently on the monitor. And really, after just a minute, the numbers began to drop.
"Frequency is down to 120." Dr. Choi sounded visibly relieved and breathed a sigh of relief. "Blood pressure is also gradually stabilizing."
"I told you," said his colleague.
"You got lucky," Ethan whispered to Will. "And he's not awake yet."
"Since when you're such a gloomster?" Will asked, annoyed.
"Since when are you so unprofessional?" Ethan huffed back.
Stella could see how Kelly glanced with narrowed eyes at the two doctors in the back. "Guys, I think this can wait. Let's focus on Casey." Her voice laced with annoyance directed at both of them.
Halstead stepped away from Choi and took his place next to Severide again without acknowledging Stella's comment. "Hey, Kelly, how is our Captain doing?"
"You tell me," Kelly said in a thick voice but continued in a lighter tone, "he's a bit calmer, I guess. But he's still not opening his eyes. But I think he squeezed my hand."
"That's good." Halstead said, then began rubbing his knuckles on Casey's sternum, "Hey Matt, time to wake up."
Blinding pain erupted. It felt like a heavyweight was thrown at him. For a short time, he saw stars flicker, but they quickly disappeared again. He wanted to scream and defend himself with all his might but found his extremities as heavy as lead. So, he stayed still and waited until the ache went away. His neck seemed strangely foreign to him, and a strange coldness ran through his upper body. Did somebody left the window open, and was he dressed at all? A shiver ran through his body, and he strangely missed the heat from before. Where the hell was he? And who was with him? He wasn't alone. He knew that much. The voices had to come from someone.
"Hey, Case? You hear me now? I can feel your hand moving. You're doing great. Keep going." Kelly tried once more to reach his faraway friend with reassuring comments.
"Matt. Come on, look at me. It's Kelly. I know you want to. It's okay, just try!"
Stella watched her boyfriend closely. She felt a certain relief when she noticed that Casey's falling heart rate managed to calm Kelly down as well. She knew how much this situation burdened him.
She felt an unnerving tension and helplessness running through herself as she had to look at her Captain displaying such agonizing stress. His whole body seemed to be shaking, and all of his bedding showed damp spots, indicating how badly Matt was sweating. His head was red, and his face looked puffy and also covered with thick drops of sweat that ran steadily down the sides.
Kidd noticed how she held her breath and almost reflexively reached forward and put light pressure on Matt's lower leg. "Come on, Captain, wake up," she whispered, nearly pleading with him. The thin blanket felt as sweaty as it looked, but Kidd didn't mind. Her compassion for her boss, who was struggling for consciousness, grew, and she felt the need to give some kind of support. So, she increased the pressure on her hand and hoped Casey could feel her and would miraculously open his eyes.
The environment seemed to be changing. The shrill screeching had finally stopped, and his own thoughts came more and more to the surface. The cold became more intense, and he could clearly feel hands holding him. He tried to concentrate. Why was it so hard? Why did he feel so strange and helpless? Was it one of those nightmares that plagued him again? If so, he should wake up any minute.
Wake up - someone wanted him to wake up. He could hear the voices more clearly now. Open your eyes - a clear command. It seemed so simple, but it turned out to be almost impossible. He felt his fingers begin to twitch. Then a pressure followed. Someone was holding his hand. Should he grab it? Should he pull away? So many different possibilities that he tried to differentiate and weigh up. What did the voices want him to do? Clear commands. He was looking for them in all of this mess. That was known territory for him. That was what he was good at. Recognize and obey orders! So, he focused on that. And he began to filter the voices.
"Casey, you're doing great. It's all right." Halstead said while putting his stethoscope on Matt's chest, listening while moving it on every quadrant of his torso. "Your lungs doing great."
"You hear that, Case? The doctor is happy. So, don't anger him and keep breathing."
Severide smiled as he gently brushed through Casey's wet hair.
He recognized as Matt's eyes moved. His lids began to furrow, and a few tears escaped. "Hey, hey! Everything's good, Matt. You're doing good. Just try to open your eyes."
'Try – just try.' And he did. He really tried to obey - to open them up. Why was it so hard?
"Look at me, Casey!"
He knew that voice.
He could feel hands on his head. They combed through his hair with just the right amount of pressure. It almost felt good and soothing. Could he go back to sleep now? He'd like to. He really did.
"Come on. Open those eyes for me."
No, he wasn't supposed to go back to sleep. He needed to be awake. The voice needed him to wake up. But why?
Was he in some kind of danger? It didn't feel like it. Not anymore. It felt more controlled and easier than before. So why not give in and sleep? Shut everything out.
"Come on man, don't be stubborn."
The voice became more urged and the strokes on his head more frequent, almost fast. He could feel the hand in his trembling, shaking. Someone obviously wanted him awake. But why. The confusion sat in again. Who was that? Who kept being insistent? He was so tired. Why didn't they stop pestering him? Why wasn't he allowed to drift off?
"Casey, it's time. You've kept us all waiting long enough." Will joined Kelly in urging the patient to acknowledge their pleadings.
"Stella, can you get me a washcloth?"
"Of course!" Kidd made her way over to the little sink, grabbed one of the disposable towels, and rinsed it under cold water. Then passed it on to Will. "Here you go."
"Thanks," Will said and was about to place it on Casey's forehead as Kelly lunged over and snatched it away from his hands. "I've got it," he told him.
He folded it and slowly began to dab it alongside Casey's hairline. "There you go, buddy. Nice and cold! This should help. I think in all these years, I've never seen you this sweaty, and we've tackled a lot of hot zones together, man."
Ice cold and wet. He shivered. He felt frozen, and every fiber in his body cramped up. Flashes from doing the polar plunge years ago erupted in his mind. Ice-cold water engulfed him and left his skin with the feeling of thousands of thousands of needle-pricks. He knew he had to swim. He shouldn't stop moving. He heard the voice of one of his old instructors from the academy droning in his ear. "Water is the fireman's best friend unless it's Lake Michigan in the winter, and you're about to rescue a drunken idiot who thought it would be a great idea to take a dive. Then you better keep moving, or you'll end up as an ice stick on a backboard." Andy chuckled next to him. The instructor – what's his name? - threw them a warning glare. Casey gave Andy a warning nudge. And Andy tried to compose himself and mimicked a serious face.
Kelly ran the washcloth along Matt's facial- features all the way down to his neck. Then he turned the fabric and placed it on the bare spot on his chest where the hospital-gown fell open.
Severide could feel Matt's body reacting. He turned to Stella and told her to get him a new cloth. "Make it extra cold," he advised.
"Oh, look at that! You don't like that, huh, Case? Then better wake up, buddy," he mumbled as he noticed Casey squirm somewhat under his touch. The eye movement was getting stronger again, and he could see his right hand turning up ever so slightly.
"Come on! Fight me." Kelly smiled as he swabbed his chest once more.
He needed to stop the cold. He felt drenched and uncomfortable. He saw himself at the academy. Water-rescue-Training with Chief Hastings. That was the guy's name! Why was Andy pushing him down the lake? He tried to fight him. Someone told him to.
To fight. Against the cold? How? He tried to lift his arm again, and to his own surprise, he managed to pass against the gravity.
"There you go! Grab the rag, bud!" Kelly's voice sounded hopeful and relieved. An almost playfulness to his tone as he began to spurt his friend's motion on. He wanted to grab Casey's moving arm and guide him but knew he had to leave him alone. This was Matt's fight all along. He needed to overcome the burden on his own. But he sure as hell wasn't going to stop pestering him with the cold cloth.
Not until Casey was opening his eyes and looking at him. Because that was what Kelly wanted, he wanted to be able to make eye contact with his best friend and see that everything was okay.
The others in the room were also excited about the new development. Stella almost dribbled nervously on the spot. Her hands tightly around the bed rail at the foot of the bed so that her knuckles turned white.
Even the somewhat stiff and serious Dr. Choi had a grin on his lips but mostly kept his gaze in the direction of the monitor.
Will patted Casey's shoulder and said, "Okay, Casey, don't let Kelly win this. Make him stop. I know you want to. You just have to open those eyes and look at us."
Stop. Make it stop. He tried. He was freezing and felt more frustrated every second. He wanted to stop the cold and the drowning. He thought about Andy. Why was he here? Casey knew it couldn't be right. Andy was dead. And yet he saw him standing next to him, in the icy Michigan Lake, getting lectured by Chief Hastings. He heard his name. Someone was calling him. Finally, he knew what to do. He channeled all of his strength he had left in him and followed this pestering voice.
Casey, look at me! Come on, open those eyes!
Kelly watched Matt's face. Every little change in facial expression and every movement, no matter how gentle, was acknowledged and evaluated by him. When he finally realized how the eyelids seemed to begin to wander upwards, he felt a bliss rise in himself, and he leaned further into his friend's personal space.
"That's it, Case! That's it! Keep going! You're doing so great. I'm so proud of you, Matt."
And now Kelly couldn't help but reach for Casey's trembling hand, which the other had managed to drag almost halfway to his chest on his own. He held it tight, and as he squeezed gently, he said, "I've got you."
Matt's eyelids began to flutter more, and finally, he did something that could qualify as a blink.
"Hey there. Hello, captain," Will said as he saw Matt managed to hold his eyes open for just a split second. It wasn't much and certainly not long, but it was enough for the doctor and Kelly to start a smiling contest.
Matt finally had woken up.