Star Wars Road Trip
Chapter One: Party Ship
I do not own Star Wars. Also, this is not a serious fic AT ALL (at least 50% crackfic).
You have been warned. ;)
Please read and review!
"PARTY SHIP!" Han Solo yelled as he turned on some head-banging music. Chewie put on some neon sunglasses and roared enthusiastically.
"Whoa, hold on," said Leia. "What's going on here? Where did we get these huge speakers? Why do you have a DJ turntable?!"
"What?!" Han yelled as he pulled off his headphones. Chewie turned the music off.
Suddenly, the author spoke. "Hey, Leia! I have magically summoned you and a whole bunch of other Star Wars characters to go on an epic road trip in the Millenium Falcon."
"When you say 'a bunch of other characters,' what do you mean, exactly?" Leia asked.
One of the doors inside the Falcon suddenly opened, and Anakin and Padme walked in carrying sodas and strawberry cake. Anakin came in his Episode 3 appearance, complete with his stylish black robes, fluffy hair, and little scar on his eye. Padme was wearing her summer meadow dress, complete with the floral headband and the side buns held in yellow nets. Oh, and by the way, Leia's wearing her Endor forest moon soldier outfit (you know, the one with the camo poncho), and Han and Chewie are dressed like they always are.
"Where does the food go—" Anakin managed to ask before noticing Leia. "PADME, OUR DAUGHTER IS HERE!" he screamed as he dropped all the drinks on the floor and charged arms-first into a startled yet delighted Leia. Padme very calmly placed the cake onto the plastic table that the author magically conjured for the food before hurling herself into the group hug with a shout.
"LEIAAAA!"
Luke walked out of the bathroom just then. Like his father, he was wearing his black Jedi robes from ROTJ. "Hey, what'd I mi—MY FATHER AND MOTHER ARE HERE?"
He ran to join the group hug as well. Han and Chewie just sat at the turntable and watched dumbly.
"I love my family so much," Anakin whispered. Then, raising his head, he yelled to Han, "Get over here! You're family, too!"
"No thanks, I'm good!" Han said.
"I'll introduce you two later," Leia said.
"No, I distinctly remember meeting your father! He froze me in carbonite and sold me to a bounty hunter!"
"Oops," said Anakin.
"Technically, Darth Vader is the one who did all those things to you," said Leia.
"All the same, I'd rather stay here for now," said Han.
"Fine," said Leia. Then she turned to the author. "So! This road trip looks great! Is this everyone?"
"Hey, the party can't start without me!" said Lando Calrissian as he drifted into the Falcon, complete with one of his many fabulous, swishing capes and absolutely no snacks.
"Wha— Lando!" Han sputtered. "You were supposed to bring chips and salsa!"
"Yeah, Lando, it's rude not to bring snacks," Leia added unhelpfully.
Lando looked around himself as if a bag of snacks would magically appear. "Uhhh, I brought my fashion sense and enthusiasm?"
"NOT GOOD ENOUGH, LANDO!" Han shouted.
Padme stepped up. "I'm sure he just forgot, didn't you, dear? And the solution is very simple. Author, would you mind helping Lando out, please?"
"Naw, I'd rather let him struggle."
"But it will take him hours to get to the nearest inhabited planet!" Padme protested.
"Fine."
A single bar of chocolate fell from the ceiling. The bar broke in half upon impact with the floor. Lando stared at it for a moment, wondering if he should feel disappointed or not. Then at last he picked up the candy and offered it to Padme with a flourish.
"I bring thee a gift of food, madam," he said, flashing a charming smile.
"Why, thank you, good sir," she replied with a smile of her own. "And speaking of your fashion sense, where did you get your cape? Do you have a tailor?"
"I should be asking you the same thing. That is a fine dress." Lando winked.
Anakin pushed himself forward and put his arm around Padme's waist. "Yeah, it sure is. Hey, why don't you catch up Han?"
"Ani—" Padme complained.
"It's fine, ma'am," Lando replied. He saluted them with two fingers before walking off to join Han and Chewie, who were still sitting at the turntable, not playing music and not socializing.
Chewie growled in protest at the author.
After several minutes of absolutely nothing new happening, everyone stood around the plastic table and ate some cake.
"So, author," Leia said between bites, "is this everyone?"
"I hope not," said Han. "This party's boring."
At that exact moment, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Duchess Satine strode in. Obi-Wan carried a chocolate cake. They stopped short when they saw everyone already eating cake. Satine sighed.
"Don't say it," Obi-Wan mumbled.
"Say what?" Satine asked.
"You know."
"Know what?"
"You know… 'I told you so.'"
"I won't say it. Even though I did. Tell you so, that is." She gave him a small smirk. Obi-Wan rolled his eyes.
"Hey, master!" Anakin shouted, spewing cake crumbs into Han's face by accident. "Where's the pretzels?"
Han wiped his face. "Pretzels? Really? What kind of party is this?"
"Yeah, I'm confused," Luke said. "So we're having a party and a road trip… in space."
The author responded, "I'll explain when everyone gets here."
"No, explain it now!" Luke whined.
"It's more fun to leave you all confused," the author said.
"Booooooo," Han jeered.
"Plus, if I explain it now, then I'll just have to repeat myself later when everyone gets here."
"It can't be a road trip if it's in space," Obi-Wan pointed out unhelpfully.
"FINE," said the author. "I'm forcing a bunch of Star Wars characters to travel to Earth in the Millenium Falcon because I think that would be funny. When you get to Earth, the Falcon will transform into a bus, so it will be an ACTUAL road trip. The party is just to kick things off."
"EARTH?" everyone complained.
"THAT backwater planet?" said Anakin.
"Why Earth?" Leia asked.
"Because everyone says to write what you know, and I happen to know Earth fairly well," the author explained.
"Will there be a plot?" asked Satine.
"Bold of you to assume that I developed a plot before writing this chapter."
Everyone groaned.
"...will there be a plot anyways?" Satine asked.
The author sighed. "If you insist. Just give me time to think of one."
Just then, Darth Maul and his brother Savage Opress walked in. Maul was wearing his signature black shirt that looks like a cross between an ultra V-Neck™ and a jacket that he didn't zip up but for some reason tucked into his pants. Savage came in his pre-magical-steroid appearance (you know, before the Nightsisters turned him into a seven-foot tall tank, warped his mind, and forced him to murder his younger brother). Instead of robotic prosthetics, Maul had his own legs, and Savage had his own arm. Savage was carrying a 50-pound bag of ice. He slammed it onto the table beside the half-eaten cake with a crash.
"I brought ice," said Maul. "It's for the drinks. And injuries. I imagine we'll need a lot before this fic is done."
"Thank you, Darth Obvious," said Obi-Wan.
"Kenobi," Maul said with a sly grin. "I brought an extra bag for you." He pulled out another 50-pound bag from behind his back and dropped it on the floor as if it were a microphone. Then Maul and Savage strutted off, smugly thinking that they had made a dramatic exit before realizing that there was nowhere else to go, and so they ended up walking down a hallway, waiting there for about two minutes, and then reentering the party as if nothing had happened.
"Welcome back," said Obi-Wan.
Maul did the 'I'm-watching-you' gesture.
"Who even invited you?" Anakin asked.
"I did," said the author. "I control Everything."
"I want to invite someone!" Luke protested.
Just then, Ventress walked in, looking none too happy. She had fifteen bags of Chex Mix. [By the way, I don't own Chex Mix at all.]
"Not her!" said Luke.
"Thanks," said Ventress. "I didn't want to come. The author forced me."
"Oh, goody," said Darth Maul dryly. "More enemies to fight."
Savage literally growled at her.
"Ventress!" Obi-Wan called out, flashing his most winning smile. "What an unexpected delight. Here, let me help you with those bags."
"WHAT?" said Satine.
"Oh, please, Kenobi," said Ventress. "I can do this myself. But you can hang up my hood for me." She slid her cloak off her shoulders and tossed it to Obi-Wan with a wink. He winked back.
Satine glared at them both.
"Okay," said Leia, "I think that's enough guests."
"No way," said the author. "It'd be much more fun with more characters."
"You mean crazier," said Leia.
"Same difference."
"I want to invite someone!" Luke said again.
"Fine," said the author, "choose one."
"R2!"
R2-D2 rolled in with a tray of cookies.
"Yay!" shouted Luke.
R2 beeped excitedly.
"I want our grandchildren!" shouted Anakin.
Ben Solo and Rey walked in with a fruit and veggie dip tray.
"FAMILY!" Anakin screamed as he tackled them both to the floor in a hug. The snack tray crashed into the floor.
"Ani!" Padme whined. "I haven't gotten to meet them yet!"
"Technically, Rey isn't your grandchild," Maul said unhelpfully. "She's Palpatine's."
"I don't care. I'll take 'em however I can get 'em," Anakin said, still holding Ben and Rey in a death grip. Rey was struggling to escape, but Ben was hugging his grandfather with all his might.
"Technically," Ben pointed out, his face uncomfortably close to Anakin's (not that either of them minded much), "I'm the grandchild. Rey is my girlfriend, but she's still one of us."
Anakin relaxed his grip enough to allow Rey to escape. She rubbed her sore arms and looked at Ben. "Hold up. I adopted myself into the Skywalker family. So I am one."
Ben furrowed his eyebrows. "So we're not dating?"
"Of course we're dating."
"No, if we're both Anakin's grandchildren, we can't date. You don't want this to be a Lukeia situation, do you?"
"Oh my gosh, Ben! We're not genetically related! It's fine!"
"That's what Luke thought when mom kissed him."
"OKAY, NO MORE GUESTS!" Leia shouted.
"I WANT AHSOKA!" Anakin whined.
Leia glared at her unhelpful father.
"Sorry, Anakin," said the author, "only one request per person. Besides, Ahsoka's busy."
"Doing what?" Anakin asked suspiciously.
"I don't know! I'm not her secretary!"
"You just don't want to write about her!"
"No, she really is busy!"
Savage decided to interrupt their pointless bickering. "Can I have my brother here?"
"Maul is here," the author said.
"No, I meant my other brother, Feral."
Feral walked in with 23 bags of popped popcorn. Ventress groaned.
"YEEEEEESSSSSSSS!" Savage roared. "I HAVE MY FAMILY AGAIN!"
Anakin practically teleported in front of the three zabrak brothers through the power of force speed and trapped them all in a bear hug. Maul tried to escape, but his arms were pinned to his side. Feral laughed uncomfortably. He didn't have a clue who Anakin was, or most of the people around him for that matter, but as long as Savage was there, he felt safe.
"It's good to see you again," Savage said.
"You, too, man," Feral responded. "Uh, but who is this guy?"
"That red guy is Maul," Anakin said. "He's your other brother."
"Actually, I was referring to you, but thanks anyway."
"I'm Anakin."
"Are we related?"
"Nope."
"Then why—"
"Who's next, author?" Anakin interrupted as he suddenly released his grip on the brothers. Maul gasped for breath while Feral grabbed Savage's arm to keep from falling.
"Okay," said the author, "only one more request, and then we have to stop."
Surprisingly, Ventress spoke up. "There's too many goody two shoes here. I want more villains."
"The dark side SUCKS! Booooo!" Anakin yelled.
"I'm standing right here," said Maul.
"I know."
"You were literally hugging us not two seconds ago!"
The author interrupted Darth Maul to talk to Ventress. "I thought dark siders preferred to keep their numbers low so that they wouldn't have to share power."
Ventress sighed. "You're the one who said that this wasn't a serious fic. That means anything can happen. And I'm not against a villain team-up against the heroes, should the plot call for that."
"We'll see about that," Savage growled, glaring at Ventress.
Feral glanced at Ventress. She winked at him.
Feral hid behind Savage.
"So," said Lando, who hadn't said much in a while and decided to interrupt now, "how's that plot coming along?"
"It's coming along just fine!" said the author defensively.
"You still don't have one, do you?" Leia said.
"Shush, both of you! You have no idea the PRESSURE I am under as the author!"
"You put that pressure on yourself when you started writing this fic," said Obi-Wan.
"Whatever," Ventress interrupted. "Just hurry up!"
Female Darth Revan and Canderous Ordo strolled in with a hundred bags of marshmallows. Revan was wearing her iconic black robes and mask with the red paint over the thin eye slit. Ordo was wearing his black tank top and red vest, showing off his shoulder tattoo.
"Whaddup, losers," Canderous said.
"Oh, great," Duchess Satine mumbled. As a Mandalorian pacifist, she did not enjoy the company of Mandalorian warriors, especially those that were dark side aligned like Ordo.
Ventress, Maul, and Savage stared at the last two guests as they walked by them to unload their snacks. While they stayed calm and composed on the outside, on the inside all three were screaming like fangirls. Darth Revan was a legend among the Sith: the Jedi warrior turned Dark Lord of the Sith who rebelled against the council and led an army of Jedi against the Mandalorians four thousand years before the prequel era. The Sith lords could only dream of having even just a fraction of Revan's sheer power and cunning. She could sense their excitement building up about to burst. She whirled around suddenly to face them.
"So," she said, in a voice just above a whisper, "these are the new Sith?"
"Yes, Lord Revan," Maul said. He was the only one with enough self-control to respond.
"Hold up," Obi-Wan interrupted. "Revan and Canderous are both from video games, and there's a separate section here on for Star Wars video game characters."
"Obi," said the author with a sigh, "it's all Star Wars."
"But, is that legal?"
"If it's not legal, then I'm sure someone in the comments will tell me, and I'll send those two back to their world, okay?"
"Aw," said Ventress, Savage, and Maul in unison. Then all three stared at each other, clearly appalled at their coordinated reaction. They shifted to stand farther away from each other. Feral stared at them all.
"Revan isn't even canonically female," Obi-Wan added unhelpfully. "Or strictly dark-sided."
"It's a fanfiction!" the author yelled. "Reality can be whatever I want!"
"Canderous isn't even force-sensitive!"
"NO ONE CARES, OBI-WAN!"
Revan decided to assess the new Sith instead of listening to two fools yell at each other. "Let's see, Darth Maul, cut in half by a Jedi padawan after he did a backflip over your head while you… just watched. Asajj Ventress, you failed to kill your master despite the fact that he was half asleep and poisoned, even though you had the help of two other assassins and all three of you were cloaked in an invisibility potion. Wow."
Maul and Ventress froze, their mouths slightly agape.
"I would much rather meet this Count Dooku person. Author?"
"Sorry, you're the last guests."
"Look at these wusses," Revan said to Canderous. "They wouldn't have lasted 24 hours at the Sith Academy on Korriban."
"Pathetic. I bet they couldn't even get admitted to the academy," he said.
"Now this one," she said, pointing at Savage, who turned away defensively, "has real potential."
"I've had enough of masters," he growled.
"Ah. Well, if you ever change your mind."
Maul finally regained enough composure to be indignant. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You're trying to recruit my own brother and apprentice RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE?"
Revan shrugged. "He said no anyways."
"And have you even heard of my hallway scene? I made fans lose their freaking minds over that!"
Revan considered this for a moment. "True. And you did make a remarkable recovery from your first duel with Obi-Wan. Hmm."
Maul elbowed Ventress smugly. She scowled.
"Now that EVERYONE is here," Leia interrupted, "can you PLEASE tell us the plot now?"
"Fine. Listen up, because I'll only say this once."
"What was that?" Obi-Wan asked as he shoved five marshmallows in his mouth.
Canderous laughed.
"AS I WAS SAYING," said the author, "Here is the plot. I'm forcing all of you to take a road trip on Earth."
"EARTH?" everyone complained again.
"But we're in space," Savage said.
"I HAVE ALREADY EXPLAINED THAT. You have to ride the Falcon to Earth, and there it will transform into a bus, so it WILL BE AN ACTUAL ROAD TRIP. Think of it as a forced vacation."
"Will we get paid?" Han asked.
"No."
"Will we battle for glory and honor?" Canderous asked.
"Probably not, though there will be fighting."
"Can I be excused? I don't fight," said Satine.
"No," said the author. "Besides, there won't be fighting the whole time."
Canderous scoffed. "Who invited the pacifist?"
"This is literally the exact same thing you told us earlier!" Leia complained.
"Ummm, you guys are also gonna stay in a hotel, eat McDonald's food, and shop at Walmart. And maybe go to a ComiCon, though I'm not sure about that yet. I mostly just like the idea of making epic characters like you do mundane earth things. And does it really need a plot since it's going to be at least 50% crackfic?"
Leia sighed loudly.
"Can we start the party now?" Han whined.
"No."
"WHY NOT?" everyone shouted.
"Because this chapter has gone on way too long. We'll start the party in Chapter 2."
Everyone booed.