Transcript #4

D: Good morning! I must say, I'm surprised to see you back so soon. I thought you were both in a pretty good place when we ended our last session.

L: As did I. Unfortunately, my fiancée has a new concern that we have been unable to work out. Thus, the need for this session.

D: Okay. Well, here we are again!

C: Thanks for seeing us on such short notice, Doctor.

D: It's my pleasure … and my job. (Smiles.)

L: Well, go ahead, dear. Tell the good Doctor what's on your mind.

C: Uh, I'm sure it seems really trivial to you, Doctor, but we just can't seem to work it out.

D: I'm sure that whatever the issue is, talking about it can only help.

L: And I agree.

C: Well, it's about the wedding …

D: You haven't changed your mind about the Vatican, have you?

C:

D: Just joking.

C: Oh, right. Ha ha. No, we're still committed to having the ceremony and reception at Lux. Amenadiel has agreed to officiate. That's all sorted.

D: And Amenadiel is … ?

C: Lucifer's brother.

D: Oh? Is this the one who … ordered the death of your ex-husband?

L: No. That was Michael. Amenadiel is the one who resurrected Detective Graham so that he could kill me.

D: I'm not following—

C: What? I never knew that! That was Amenadiel?

L: M'dear, there are quite a few things you don't know. Despite me doing my best to try to fill you in. There was a time, if you recall, where you thought I was crazy or spoke in metaphors.

D: Speaking of metaphors …

C: Amenadiel and I are so going to have a talk about this. I can promise you that.

L: Now darling, don't be too hard on him. It's all water under the bridge, so to speak. And in fairness, Malcolm did end up stabbing Amenadiel with one of Maze's knives. Poor bro nearly died. I do believe he regrets his decision to use Malcolm as his earthly instrument.

C: I really was oblivious, wasn't I? There was so much going on, and I never noticed it.

L: True. But don't be too hard on yourself either. After all, you're only human.

D: (Holds up hand.) Wait! Time out! I need to catch up.

L: Of course, Doctor. Take whatever time you need. (Takes swig from flask.)

D: I am so confused! Lucifer, in an earlier session you said you killed one of your brothers, in self-defense. Then you said another brother had ordered the death of Chloe's ex-husband. And now you're saying that yet another brother tried to use a police detective to have you killed. Do I have all that right?

L: (Nods.) Indeed. You may in fact be smarter than you look.

C: Be nice, Lucifer. This is a lot for her to take in. It's a lot for me to take in, and I lived through most of it.

L: Very well. I apologize for my remark, Doctor Corden.

D: Um … well. I guess … uh, how many siblings to you have, Lucifer?

L: Let's see. There's Amenadiel, elder bro. Azrael, sister. I call her Rae-Rae. Then there's Gabriel, sister. And Michael, twin brother and asshole. Then Remiel, sister, killed by Michael. Then Uriel, brother, killed by me. Also: Raphael, Castiel, Zadkiel, Jophiel, Saraqael, Ibriel, Raziel, and Hanjobadiel. And Rory, sister.

D: Oh, my … what a large family, Lucifer!

L: Actually, there were two more. But Chloe killed them. I thought I'd leave them off the list because why bring up unpleasant memories? But if you insist on completeness, then completeness you shall have.

D: (Whispers.) And you say Chloe killed two of your brothers …

C: Well, you know. Them or us. Seemed like the thing to do at the time.

L: Indeed, it was. And thank you, m'dear.

D:

C: I think she needs a moment, Lucifer.

L: What, another one? (Sighs.) Very well then, Doctor. Please let us know when you are ready to proceed.

C: (Whispers to L.) You never told me about Amenadiel! I want that story, tonight.

L: (Whispers.) And what will you do to earn it?

C: (Whispers.)

L: (Smiles.) Then we have a deal.

D: Um … all right. Let's proceed. I think I'm ready to proceed. I mean, I hope I'm ready …

C: So, back to the issue at hand …

D: Which is … ? I'm afraid I've forgotten to take any notes for this session.

C: Understandable. So here's the thing. Who's going to be my maid of honor?

L: And who are we going to invite?

D: That's the big concern?

C: I knew it would sound trivial.

L: Nothing that bothers you is ever trivial to me.

C: (Smiles at L.)

D: I understand that you may have some hesitations, Chloe. I know it's fairly common for people, close friends, to get their feelings hurt if they're not chosen to be a maid of honor. But truthfully, it is your choice. You should pick the maid of honor that you want. If any of your friends are hurt, then you're not responsible for that. They are.

C: You don't know them the way we do.

L: Perhaps if we give the Doctor some examples?

C: Good idea. Let's say I pick Linda to be my maid of honor.

L: Which is a good choice, by the way.

C: (Nods.) Thanks. I think she'd be a good choice, too. But let's say I pick her. What is Maze going to do?

D: 'Maze.' That's the second time I've heard that name in this session. Who's Maze?

C: Hmm. How to explain?

L: May I try? (C. nods.) Maze is my long-time companion; known her for eons. She's nobody to be trifled with, let me assure you, Doctor. Professional torturer and bounty hunter. Skilled in martial arts. Expert with a knife. You really, really, don't want her upset with you.

D: Is this another metaphor?

L: (Sighs.)

C: Look, Doctor Corden. Just accept that Maze has a hair-trigger temper and acts out, often with painful results. If I ask Linda to be my maid of honor, what's Maze going to do?

D: Okay. I'm trying to visualize this pers—

L: Demon.

D: Now that sounds like a metaphor.

C: (Sighs.) This isn't helping.

D: I'm trying …

C: You know who would be another great choice? Ella. Ella would be wonderful. So supportive!

L: I agree. Another solid choice. Ms. Lopez, despite her unfortunate proclivity for hugs, is worthy of the role.

C: But if I ask Ella, then Linda's going to be hurt. Especially if Amenadiel officiates the wedding.

D: I don't understand.

C: Amenadiel is the father of Linda's baby, Charlie.

D: And Amenadiel is Lucifer's elder brother?

L: (Nods.)

D: So that makes Amenadiel your brother-in-law, Chloe. Is that right?

C: I never thought of it that way. I guess so. (Pauses.) Wait. That means Michael is my brother-in-law as well! (Looks at L.) And all your other brothers and sisters. (Pauses.) It's just hitting me! I'm marrying into a family of dysfunctional angels who think humanity is like a bunch of bugs.

L: But you'll have me …

C: And what are they going to think of me? And Trixie, too?

L: They'll love you both. As I do.

C: No. I'm serious here.

L: Which is why I mentioned the guest list, oh … about 15 minutes ago. Are we inviting all my siblings to the wedding? Are we ready for that?

C: Oh, my God.

L: Now dear, you know he's out of the picture.

C: Right. (Takes deep breath.) We are not inviting your parents.

L: Obviously not. They're retired.

D: Wait. You're not inviting Lucifer's parents?

L: They are unavailable. Period. End of discussion.

D: Oh.

D: Well, I see we're running out of time today. Thank God! I mean, okay—we'll have to take this discussion up again next week.

L: (Looks at C.) See. What did I tell you? Waste of time.

C: No. I learned some important things today. Especially about your elder brother.

D: And I learned that Lucifer's family is bigger, and more dysfunctional, than I thought.

End of Transcript #4