Transcript #5

D: (On phone.) Linda, what have you done to me? … I mean the clients you referred. They're in need of more help than I can provide. Have you considered prescribing Thorazine for them—for both of them? … No, don't tell me that. … No, it's obviously more than just metaphors. … No. … No, not happening. … No, this is going to be my last session with them. … Well, I'm sorry too! Oh, wait—they're here now. Gotta go. Just do me a favor okay? No more of your referrals. Never again. Bye.

D: Oh, hello you two. It's … um … good to see you both again.

C: Thanks for seeing us, Doctor Corden. We still have so much to work out!

L: (Sighs.) If Chloe says these sessions help, then I shall attend them. Reluctantly, I might add.

C: Now, Lucifer …

D: Before we get into another discussion, I want to review where we left off last time. Okay?

C: (Nods.)

L: If we must. (Takes swig from flask.)

D: Now. Last time we discussed Lucifer's rather large family. I counted sixteen siblings, not including the two unnamed siblings you claim that Chloe killed. That makes eighteen total. Does that sound about right?

L: Let me see … Yes, I think that's the right count. Eighteen minus four who are deceased, leaves fourteen living brothers and sisters.

D: Your parents, Lucifer. They must have been … prolific.

L: You have no idea. Truly. No idea whatsoever.

C: (Nods.)

D: And your parents are now retired? Is that correct? And I assume they are living some distance away from you?

L: Correct on all counts. Well done! I must say, you seem to be firing on all cylinders this morning, Doctor.

D: And you have no intention of inviting them to the wedding?

C: Not possible.

D: Look. I understand that Lucifer comes from an extraordinarily large, yet hugely dysfunctional family. I mean, all the death involved here! It's not healthy; not in the slightest. Yet … I can't help wondering if the wedding might be a chance to heal some old wounds, to bring the family together a little bit.

L: I would agree it's a possibility, but a small one. Some of my siblings would make good party guests. Others … not so much.

C: We are not having Michael at our wedding. That's a hard no.

L: (Nods.) I quite agree. He's the ultimate buzzkill.

D: So, no Michael. And no Lucifer's parents. Are you sure you're not missing an opportunity for healing here?

L: Michael wishes!

D: What does that mean, Lucifer?

L: It means that our last two encounters did not end well for him. Disfigurement was the least of his problems. And I was being merciful! Everybody else thought so at the time, too.

C: (Nods.) You were being merciful. I would have cut off his head, if you hadn't stopped me.

D: Uh …

L: (To C.) Now look what you did! You've broken the Doctor again!

C: (To L.) Give her a moment.

L: Very well. But these 'moments' are coming out of our session hour. No wonder we don't make significant progress in these things.

D: (Shakes head.) So much violence! Plots, knives, deaths. Brothers plotting against brothers. Disfigurement, decapitation, murder. … Are you sure you're not writing a screenplay or a soap opera? Is this all a put-on? Am I in some kind of focus group here?

L: (Sighs.) Unfortunately, the situation is quite real. … And if we might return to our current conundrum?

D: Uh … sure. Just to make sure: all the deaths and the family dysfunction are not the source of your issues? Is that right? The real concerns you have are about the upcoming wedding. Who's in the wedding party and who the guests will be? … Just that? Nothing else?

C: (Nods.) Yes. I know it sounds crazy, Doctor. But most of the other stuff has been sorted out by now. It's in the past. (Looks at L.) At least, I think it's in the past. Right?

L: (Nods.) As far as I know, that's correct, darling.

D: Well, to be honest, yes. It does sound as if your concerns may be a little misplaced. Almost as if you're distracting yourselves to avoid dealing with some very difficult issues. … But, sure! Let's talk about the wedding.

C: Thank you. So about the maid of honor …

L: I have an idea about that, if you don't mind.

C: No, not at all. I'd be grateful, actually. I can't settle on a choice.

L: Indeed. So why not all of them?

C: What?

L: Why not have them all in your wedding party – Maze, Linda, Ella. Your 'tribe' as I think you once called it. Have them all.

C: But which one would be the maid of honor?

L: All of them. Or none of them. Don't choose. No choice, no problem.

C: (Nods thoughtfully.) Maybe. Maybe. … That might just work! Let me think about it …

L: (Smiles proudly.) See, our partnership continues! … (Looks at D.) Now, Doctor. If we might discuss my concerns?

D: (Sighs.) Of course, Lucifer.

L: Excellent. Well, we know Chloe's mother, Penelope, will be in attendance. Mother of the bride. Place of honor, of course. As she deserves, I might add. Beautiful, beautiful woman. Talented, as well. Couldn't ask for a better mother of the bride!

D: (Nods.)

L: And Trixie.

C: Wait. What about Trixie?

L: Well, she'll be in attendance as well, won't she?

C: Of course.

L: In what role?

C: Why does she have to have a role?

L: Of course she must have a role! Don't you think she'll expect one? Not maid of honor, certainly—though you could do far worse, in my view. But still, she'll want to be part of everything.

C: I think maybe you're right. I just hadn't thought that far ahead.

L: Of course I'm right. Now, back to Trixie. My thought is that she would make a great—

C: -Ring-bearer?

L: No. She's not Frodo Baggins. Also, you already have a ring. So no, there's no need for a ring-bearer.

C: No wedding ring?

L: (Sighs.) We went over this in the last session. You are already wearing the most important ring on earth. That ring is more special than any earthly diamond or gold band. Anything else would just be anti-climactic.

C: I hadn't thought of it that way.

L: Well, you should. Really. People would kill for that ring. And have, by the way.

D: More talk of death …

L: Agreed. Too much talk of death. So let's get back to the subject at hand: Trixie.

C: You said you had a role for her in the wedding.

L: Indeed. Would she not make an excellent train bearer? Or 'page,' as I believe they are sometimes called.

C: I'm going to have a wedding train?

L: Well, why wouldn't you?

C: You want to go all out for this, don't you?

L: (Puzzled.) I thought you did?

C: No. I specifically said I wanted a simple wedding at Lux. I mean, I'll dress up, of course. And you're always dressed up! But I didn't think I'd be wearing a fancy wedding dress with a veil and a long train.

L: Well, now you must.

C: Because …

L: Because it gives Trixie a role in the wedding.

C: (Sighs.)

D: Okay, then. I feel as if this session hasn't gone as well as the others have. Perhaps that's my fault. Too many clarifying questions.

L: (Nods.) Yes, you have been a bit difficult today, if I may say so.

C: Lucifer, be nice.

L: (To C.) Well, she started it. I'm just agreeing with her.

D: (Clears throat.) Well, in any case, I think this needs to be our last session. I'm sorry we didn't resolve all your issues, but I think we've taken the discussion about as far as it can go. (Speaks quickly.) I wish you the best on your wedding planning and new life as a married couple, and a family. Take care!

C: Wait. This is the last session?

D: Unfortunately, yes. It is.

C: Why?

D: Because I don't think I can help you anymore. I think you need to find somebody else who has a better insight into your … issues.

L: (Sighs.) Start again? With yet another therapist?

D: Yes, I think it's for the best.

L: Well, not for us.

D: Well, that's the way it has to be.

L: I don't think so.

C: Now, Lucifer …

L: Here's the sitch, Doctor. We have invested time in establishing this relationship with you. Most of it wasted, apparently. But still. We invested. Now you are denying us the expectation of what is a very reasonable return on that investment.

D: I'm sorry you feel that way …

C: Lucifer, maybe we can solve our issues on our own.

L: (To C.) As I've always maintained. Still, you wanted an outside opinion. An 'arbitrator,' as I recall you termed it. And here we are. Doctor Corden came highly recommended by Linda, and if Linda says she can help us, then she's the one for us. Not some other therapist.

D: Lucifer, I must insist …

L: (To C.) 'Better the Devil you know …' Am I right?

C: (Nods.) I guess.

D: I am the therapist here, and if I say it's time to move on, then—

L: Darlene, look at me. What is it you desire? What do you truly desire?

D: (Dazed.) I want … I want these sessions to end! I want everything to go back to normal.

L: Because …

D: Because you're both crazy as loons!

C: (Sighs.) Well, there you have it. Her professional opinion: 'Crazy as loons.'

L: Indeed. (Smiles at C.) I recall you once used similar terminology with respect to me. How times have changed, eh?

C: (Smiles.) It took me a while, I agree.

L: Well, in any case, if Doctor Corden will no longer be available, then I guess we have Linda to fall back on.

C: Honestly, I think it's for the best. We made some progress here, but we seem to have hit a wall. Too much talk about the family. She seems to be obsessing about the family. It's not healthy.

L: (Nods.) So be it. (Gets up to leave.) Good-bye, Doctor.

C: (Gets up and follows L. out of door.) Yes, good-bye.

D: (Slams and locks door.) Oh, my God! (Throws session notes to the floor.)

End of Transcript #5

Author's Note: The format and the subject matter of this story was inspired by the The Laundry Files fan fiction of Charles Stross. What's interesting is that Mr. Stross is the author of The Laundry Files (plus many other amazing works), yet he chose to publish the transcripts of his characters' marriage counseling sessions as fan fiction. You should check him out.