"Yes, I have heard what my sister is up to. No, I have no plans on talking about it with her. Funny thing about House Davar...we've gotten pretty good at ignoring awkward topics of conversation."

—Nan Balat

It was no secret to those who knew her best that Shallan, quite frankly, hated herself.

It was no secret to Shallan that those who knew her best, quite frankly, were sick of that nonsense.

She had come a long way. Sure, she had three people in her head instead of the usual one, but they'd made that arrangement work. Shallan was finding a way to balance her life as a Radiant, as a scholar, as a spy, and as a partner to her lovers. Day by day, she was getting closer to actually liking the red-haired girl she saw in the mirror.

Which was why her stumbles were so frustrating.

This time, it was caused by the silliest of things. It was late evening, and she was actually spending it in her bedroom, for once. She, Adolin, and Kaladin had shared a wonderful meal together, and with that done, well...

It started with a kiss from Adolin. Storms, how she loved the feeling of Adolin's face pressed to hers. It was quite the mystery how the boy managed to put his unending adoration and affection into each kiss.

Then, just as she focused on him, the bridgeboy struck. Rough fingers going to work, unbuttoning the sides of her clothes, far more practiced at the task now than he had been when he'd first entered the relationship.

It was nice, being the center of attention.

But at the same time...Shallan just wasn't in the mood. And clearly, her boys were. Thus, she gathered up her willpower and pulled away from Adolin, gently moving Kaladin's hands away from their task.

In response to the quizzical looks from them, Shallan blushed and explained, "I'm not...I think I'd rather spend the evening catching up on some projects." It sounded like a ridiculous excuse, and she hoped that they wouldn't find it as preposterous as it sounded to her own ears. "But, well, if you two wanted to...continue, that would be fine with me."

They didn't seem to be disappointed, that was a good sign. In fact, her words seemed to add a new sparkle to Adolin's eyes. "Oh? Brightness Kholin, I wasn't aware you enjoyed playing the voyeur to sport betwe-"

Before he could finish the sentence, Kaladin had grabbed Adolin by his collar and pulled him in for a passionate kiss, one that made Shallan feel a rush of...something. Perhaps Adolin was more right in his jest than he realized? Something to examine later.

They went to the bed, while Shallan made sure her clothes were back in order and went to work. Her education still had gaps, and she rarely had the free time anymore to fill them.

At first, it was easy to focus on the texts.

Then...well, they started making noises. Or rather, Adolin did. He was easily the loudest of them.

Shallan tried every technique she had to stay focussed, but they all proved rather ineffective when her boyfriend fucking her husband just a few feet away, and neither was trying to be quiet about it.

After the initial thrill of knowing it was going on, the activity they were taking part in became less arousing to Shallan, and more...

Well, it was obvious how much they were enjoying themselves. Which made sense, they didn't need Shallan for a good time. In fact, Shallan was fairly sure neither needed her at all.

Adolin...how much of his energy, how much of his life had he spent, was he going to spend, attending her? Trying to fix what could not be repaired? If Adolin's positivity was a finite resource, like Shallan so greatly feared it was, how long until she ran it dry? It was selfish of her, really. She felt like a cremling, attaching itself to a greatshell so she could feed on the scraps it left behind. She was using Adolin.

And Kaladin? What had she ever done for him, aside from make him feel small? He had enough problems in his life, he didn't need some lighteyed girl giving him any more. Not to mention the fact that he depended on Adolin too, only his need was far more understandable. The man had been a slave, had gone through terrors that, in Shallan's mind, would have killed anyone else who'd gone through them, including her.

They'd both be better off if she...wasn't around them. Ash's eyes, listen to them going at it! They really had something, and...and it would be easier for them if she wasn't there to crem things up.

Any thoughts of actually studying disappeared as she spiraled. Shallan didn't even realize she'd been crying until she heard a voice from in front of her, and wondered why her face felt wet, why her paper was soaked. "Bad lies."

Pattern's voice didn't just get her attention. "Shallan?" Adolin asked, and before she could really understand what was happening they were standing there, one on each side of her, still naked. "We're here."

He didn't ask her if she was alright, which she was grateful for, and neither did Kaladin. "If you want to talk about it, you can." His attempts at consolation were never as gentle as Adolin's, or as natural, but she appreciated them all the same.

Not wanting to go through the entire storming thought process with them again, Shallan simplified it to, "You two sounded like you were enjoying yourselves, and I couldn't help feeling like you don't really need me." She wiped her face dry with her safehand, trying to salvage what she could from this incident. "I'm sorry, it's...I'm just being foolish again."

Neither of them responded how she expected. Kaladin rested a hand on her shoulder, firm yet gentle, and told her, "You two are married. There isn't a night that goes by where I don't feel like I'm ruining what you have by intruding on your vows." Syl appeared on his shoulder, looking up at her Radiant with a concerned expression.

Before Shallan could tell him how ridiculous that was, her own insecurities forgotten, Adolin stepped in, putting his forehead to hers. "Did you forget that time when I told you I was going to break up with you so that you and Kaladin could be together? All because I saw how you were looking at him?"

Kaladin blinked. "What? When was that?"

"After the battle in Thaylen City."

"It was very stupid of him."

They all looked at each other, and Shallan felt like crying again, though not because she was still sad. All three of them sometimes felt like the odd one out, like the others were better together and they weren't needed.

And they were all wrong.

Deciding to put off studying for the night, Shallan elected to get a full night's sleep. Her little meltdown had earned her the coveted middle position in bed, able to cuddle either or both of the other occupants.

It wasn't as though this had solved her fears, or those of Adolin or Kaladin. But for a night, at least, they could feel each other's heartbeats, and know that they belonged.

"The arrangement is unorthodox, but satisfactory."

—Radiant

It was pretty impressive, just how quickly Radiant was becoming proficient at combat.

Though, Adolin supposed, since she was a personality that was created for that end, it shouldn't have been too much of a surprise.

They were wrapping up the training session with some work-down stretches, and Adolin couldn't help admiring her. It had taken a while for him to get used to the...well, the other people that shared Shallan's body, really.

Radiant was the one he felt like he understood more. And in her own way, she was someone that Adolin couldn't help admiring. The gusto with which she threw herself into her duties, and the strength of will, of character, she exuded at all times, was something he couldn't help respecting.

Also...well, it was still mostly Shallan's body, and seeing it all sweaty was a nice sight. "The offer is still open, you know."

He didn't have to clarify to her which offer he meant. Without looking at Adolin, Radiant replied, "My feelings in that area have not changed, Brightlord Kholin." He thought that would be the end of the discussion, but she surprised him by asking, "You are aware that Shallan, like yourself, feels attraction to both men and women, yes?"

Finishing up his own stretches, Adolin watched her finish hers, and thought of how to respond to that. "Um...yes? I know my wife is bisexual." Though, actually, he hadn't been aware of the term for what they both were until after she told him about it.

"I am not." That...was not what he'd expected her to say. Radiant rarely talked about herself. "As far as I can tell, I have not felt attraction of any sort towards any person, regardless of their gender."

"Oh." Adolin felt just a little foolish. "Hence...why you aren't interested in dating me?" Shallan and Kaladin hadn't minded the idea when he'd first considered it, but Radiant had rejected it from the word go.

Done with her stretches, Radiant gave him a look. "You're a worthy suitor for Shallan. I have no objections to your relationship with her. But as for myself...I do not believe romantic entanglements are something I am interested in experimenting with."

Later on, Adolin would talk about that with Shallan, and learn a few new interesting words, like 'asexual' and 'aromantic'. As well as a new fact about his cousin Jasnah.

"Why are you asking me? It's been made pretty storming clear I'm not involved."

—Veil

One of these days, Kaladin was going to remember his own promises and not go drinking with Veil.

Far too often, those trips ended like this one did: with them both absolutely smashed and lost in Urithiru. He was somehow the more intoxicated of the two, clutching onto Veil's shoulder as they walked down a hallway, trying to find a sober person to get them where they wanted to go. They'd purposefully not brought any spheres, since the whole point was to get drunk.

"Hey, Kal," Veil said, breaking the woozy silence they'd been sharing for a while.

It took him a second to realize how his mouth worked and actually say back, "Yeah?"

He wasn't sure if she had to think really hard to figure out how to word her question, or if she'd somehow fallen asleep as they walked. "Why don't you like me?"

"What?" The question actually managed to penetrate the haze around his mind a little, and he looked at her, seeing that she looked...sad. Much sadder than Veil ever looked. "What are you talking about? Of course I like you."

"Not the same way you like her." She didn't have to clarify who she meant.

Kaladin groaned. He didn't want to have this talk again. "Veil...I just don't...you're my friend."

"So was she. Now you and her fuck. But I don't get to play."

The very idea she would use that word..."Veil, we're not playing. I love her."

"But you don't love me."

This would be much easier to refute if his brain wasn't swimming in sapphire wine. "Veil, I love you. You're very fun. It's just...different. You get that, don't you?"

It was a while before she replied, "Yeah..." She sounded...resigned.

The entire Veil and Shallan and Radiant thing was confusing to Kaladin sometimes when he was clear-headed, and there was no way he could really parse it all out while sloshed. Still, by some miracle of the Almighty, Kaladin found the right words. "Veil, you want to have fun. I want to be with someone."

"We can't just be friends who share a bed sometimes?" Storms, there was too much hope in her voice.

Swallowing hard, Kaladin gave her the truth. "No. I'd want more, and you wouldn't."

"...yeah..."

Somewhere on a wall near Veil, Pattern spoke up. "This truth hurts you."

Syl, who had been quite amused for most of the night seeing Kaladin descend into silliness, flew up to Kaladin and said softly, "You did the right thing."

One of these days, Kaladin was going to ask an honorspren why 'the right thing' hurt every single time.