Warnings: Major character death. Alternate universe.
After thirty years of marriage, Jenny had become well accustomed to Leo's body language. Her former husband could give voice to social and political issues in a manner that was articulate, confident and compelling - his emotional state was a different story, altogether.
It was true, they were no longer together. But, Jenny would always intuitively recognize "Leo-isms" - non-verbal communication, a shared second language, she had relied on when his words were few.
All morning, from afar, Jenny observed the set of Leo's jaw, his faraway gaze and his measured steps. Together with the other pallbearers, he guided the casket holding his best friend, adopted brother and president into the cathedral. Seated a few pews ahead of her during the funeral, she noted how his shoulders fell periodically and his startle, when the final words were said.
"This concludes the funeral service of President Josiah Bartlet. Go in peace to love and serve the Lord and each other," the cardinal intoned. The music began and the pallbearers reverently moved toward the casket, Leo among them.
As Leo helped with Jed's casket, Jenny knew she would never forget the look on his face.
She'd seen it before.
Five years ago, when she realized their marriage was ending, she witnessed his bereft confusion, as the world had been turned upside down. And, Jenny acknowledged, it had. Quickly, however, Leo put the mask in place to protect her and their daughter, Mallory - his refusal to remove his wedding ring the only outward sign of his internal struggle. Later, he'd sadly signed the divorce papers without objection, splitting their assets and amicably giving up any interest in the family home, wanting Jenny to have it. During that time, Mallory and Jenny had enlisted Leo's administrative assistant, Margaret, to keep an eye on him, afraid he would relapse, breaking six years of sobriety. But, Leo held firm and two years later, quietly wished her well on her engagement. His face was again a mix of shock, love and sadness, while he placed his left hand in his pocket, still wearing his wedding ring. Even if she wasn't to be with him, clearly, he wanted her to be happy.
"Oh, Mom. He looks terrible. He's pushing himself too hard. Dad shouldn't be trying to do this today." Mallory whispered through her tears, sitting quietly in the pew next to her mother, as the casket passed by.
Jenny would not disagree. Today, she was very familiar with the mask Leo wore while speaking to the guests and staffers - wanting them to draw strength from him - and the lost expression, when he thought no one was looking. From the way Leo held himself, few would truly recognize the depth at which he was hurting. In addition, there was something else physically that she couldn't quite place - something that went beyond Leo's rambling gait.
Leo's limp was at times pronounced - other times, he hid it well. Having been shot down as a pilot in Vietnam and surviving a compound leg fracture in the jungle, Leo's injury was much more of a factor as he arrived home from the war. Barely walking with crutches, he assured her that his goal was to dance with her at their upcoming wedding, which they could now plan. He had survived and come home. Working hard at his rehabilitation, Leo was ready to waltz her around the dance floor during the expensive celebration her father threw for his only daughter. And, as a young man, he'd eventually been able to better disguise the limp - it had improved and literally became more of a swagger, part of his personality. However, in recent years, particularly on cold, wet days in DC, the limp became harder to miss.
What Jenny witnessed now was more than Leo's leg acting up. He was moving gingerly, favoring his left side. Mallory had previously relayed Leo was grazed by a bullet during the assassination and hit his head on the pavement when the Secret Service tackled him, shielding him from further gunfire.
"I know it's hard to watch, Mal," Jenny replied sadly, squeezing her daughter's hand. "Nothing would keep your Dad away from being here today…"
On the car ride over to Arlington National Cemetery, Jenny reflected this had become part of the problem. Leo's frequent work away from home on the campaign and early administration - his loyalty to Jed, to the commitment they had made to run for office and govern, was top priority. He had asked for her understanding in this, but her anxieties intervened. Previously, Leo fell prey to addiction when overworked or stressed. He drank alone, not around her, or certainly Mallory. Whether it was the memories of the war or the family dysfunction that scarred his young life, he'd developed a habit of numbing himself with alcohol and later pills. But, when that happened, Leo would stay away. He'd experienced an alcoholic father and the wreckage that caused the young family. Despite it all, Leo had been incredibly functional, earning a large salary, giving his family a luxurious life. But, he'd disappear when he was struggling. Finally, at Leo's worst, Jed had found him face down in a motel parking lot - too drunk to come home, too overwhelmed to stop. Somehow, Jed had convinced him to go to the Sierra Tucson rehabilitation facility. He came home clean and for five years, he didn't leave again overnight, unless Jenny was with him. Jenny's was the last voice Leo heard before he fell asleep at the end of the day.
Over time, with growing frustration with the national political climate. Jenny watched a restlessness overtake Leo. Given his senior position in the Democratic party, he began venting about the lack of good and honorable leaders, serving the will of the people. He believed Jed Bartlett was that "one good man" to lead the country. It took Leo away from her, his often coming home after she'd fallen asleep or traveling for weeks. While she initially trusted that Leo was not relapsing, his absences felt eerily familiar. Her brain couldn't shut it off. Jenny began having panic attacks and later fell into a deep depression. As he had once described it, addiction was the monster in the other room, doing push ups, waiting for the door to open. Working with a therapist, Jenny sadly came to realize her only salvation was to leave. Anxiety was as much of a monster in the next room for her, as addiction was for him.
Jenny came back to the present, as the Arlington ceremony ended. Abby's daughters converged around her, trying to fill a gap that Jed's absence would never allow. And, Leo had stepped aside for a moment, watching the First Lady protectively. As Abbey and family moved to the presidential limo, Leo stood by himself for just a moment. Mallory was speaking with her father's administrative assistant, Margaret, and Jenny decided it was time to approach her former husband.
"Hi Leo," Jenny said quietly. For a moment, she saw him attempt the mask he had been presenting to everyone else. But, as he looked into her eyes, he quickly dropped it.
Leo pulled Jenny into a hug, burying his face into her shoulder. She heard his muffled response, voice laden with husky emotion, "Hey Jen… Glad you're here."
She held him, feeling his body trembling slightly. As well as she knew Leo's body language and expressions, Jenny was long familiar with how it felt to be close to him. They had always just fit, like longtime dance partners, whether it was holding his hand, laying her head on his shoulder or in the more intimate parts of their marriage. Physically, Leo always led with his heart, and she easily fell into his embrace. His breathing told her that he was barely hanging on, physically and emotionally exhausted.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered quietly into his ear, his covert vulnerability making her eyes sting.
"Thanks," he replied quietly. "This is hard for you too."
Leo held her tightly a few more moments, his warmth welcome in the cold January weather, before kissing her on the cheek and squeezing her hand.
She stood in silent communion with him, watching the presidential limo pull away, taking Jed's family away. As the haunted look temporarily overtook Leo's features, Jenny intervened and slowly led him over to Mallory. His "little girl", now a spirited beautiful young woman, always put a twinkle in Leo's eye. Mallory always did that to him, Jenny mused. Looking closely, she could see a toned down version of the usual spark.
Mallory kissed his cheek and took hold of his coat lapels, "Daddy, we need to get you home."
"Nah, I gotta go back to the office. CJ's coordinating the press…" Leo was getting grayer as he spoke.
Jenny knew their daughter was having none of it. Mallory had gone to the hospital that night, was present when Leo woke up to the horror of a presidential assassination - his best friend's murder. Obviously, Margaret had been filling her in as well.
"Father, the Secret Service has an order to escort you to the White House physician for sedation, if you don't get in one of these limos with me and let me put you to bed," Mallory rubbed his arm.
Jenny drew a breath, anticipating Leo's response.
"Seriously?" Leo asked.
Mallory nodded it was true.
"Who said that?" he continued, his initial adrenaline waning. Less convincingly, he mumbled, "They're gonna be sweeping floors in the basement…"
"Well, that's going to be tough, Dad," Mallory began expertly navigating her father toward the line of limos, his exhaustion overtaking his sense of direction. "I doubt Abbey is going to pick up a broom."
Jenny watched Leo's shoulders sag.
"Don't give Abbey another thing to worry about, honey," Jenny appealed to Leo's protective nature.
Mallory had already slid into the limo ahead of him. Leo turned to his ex-wife, giving her a tired smile. He reached out and pulled Jenny in close. Quietly, he whispered in her ear, "I love you, Jenny."
"I'll always love you too," Jenny whispered back. "You take care now."
As he stepped into the limo, he looked at her sincerely, "Give Howard my best."
Jenny nodded, acknowledging his gracious mention of her current spouse. His words were not a challenge to Howard. It was the reality between two people, who had shared a life and a family for over thirty years. Of course, they loved each other. They just couldn't live together anymore.
"I will, Leo." she said to herself, watching the limo slowly pull away, making its way down the lanes in Arlington National Cemetery, toward the gate.
TBC