I'm sorry this took forever. Despite loving to write angst this chapter was like pulling teeth and that probably reflects in the writing. Plus on top of that I've been dealing with interviewing for jobs, which funny enough I start at my new job today, and also I had a random stomach bug for a bit so I really wasn't up to doing anything. But hey it's here now I guess... Yeah I'm sorry. Anyways trigger warnings for this chapter are a bit heavier again, slight ptsd, anxiety attacks, poor self-esteem/self-loathing, inferenced grief and past toxic relationships/home-life.
"We're finally here!" Remus cheered, throwing open the car door to escape into the parking lot.
"The horror, you were sitting still for all of forty minutes," Janus replied, raising a brow at his mate.
Roman chuckled himself as he slipped out of the car to follow his brother, sticking close to his side. Janus walked the car to approach them, raising an eyebrow and smirking at Remus's dramatic antics.
"Well Roman, what are you up to doing today?" Janus asked, changing the topic.
"Huh? You said we were shopping, right?" Roman asked, glancing at the large building they'd pulled into the parking lot of where several different store names littered the doors.
"Yes, getting you clothing would likely be our top priority but I'm asking if there is anything else you'd like to do. Would you like to get any personal items to redecorate your room? Would you like to get a haircut? Is there anything else you'd like to go look at?"
Roman blinked in surprise before he shifted his gaze down towards his feet. His fingers tugged at a strand of wavy hair that fell to his shoulder. He wasn't quite sure how long it'd been since his last time one had dealt with trimming up his hair. If he had to guess, it was just after his heat the time before he got pregnant, two months plus his pregnancy which he didn't know the exact time frame of. It felt like it had been more than nine months but also could have just been the stress making it seem longer. It could be anywhere between ten to twelve months.
"Ro? You okay?" Remus asked, draping an arm over his brother's shoulder.
"Huh? Yeah! No, I… I'm fine. I was just trying to remember the last time someone was called in to get all of the omegas' hair done," Roman chuckled wryly. "It's been a while. It's gotten pretty long, hasn't it?"
"So you'd like to cut it?" Janus presumed.
"It'd be for the best," Roman replied.
"But is it what you want? You don't have to cut it if you like your hair longer," Janus pressed, sensing Roman's hesitancy.
"No, I want to cut it," Roman smiled softly as he gave one last gentle tug at the strand of hair he'd been playing with before releasing it to let it spring back into position.
"Alright if you're sure," Janus conceded, nodding for Roman and Remus to follow.
"I get my hair done here a lot. After you're done you'll probably look even more like my beautiful self," Remus grinned jokingly, running his fingers through his own hair to show off the shaved undercut below the short auburn waves that poked out from under beany.
"Ummm…" Roman's brow furrowed with distaste for the more edgy masculine look. "Heh, sure… That's… No. Just no. That works for you, not me."
"Awww! How disappointing. It'd be fun to look more identical, right?" Remus beamed.
Roman gave his brother a deep frown. Remus just gave a loud, joyous snort like laugh. He threw his arm over Roman's shoulder, making sure not to put too much pressure on the still weak and injured male.
"That's more like the big brother I know and love," Remus grinned.
"Just because I said no to a hairstyle?" Roman questioned, raising a brow.
"It's the first time you weren't stodgy and formal. I mean what happened to the brother that would slap me upside the head when people weren't looking and call me an idiot for almost getting him in trouble or suggesting something fun?" Remus pouted.
Roman paled a little and looked away, rubbing an arm awkwardly.
"Heh, sorry," He muttered.
"For hitting me before or because you're so timid?" Remus smirked as they pushed through the doors into the mall, following after Janus who was quietly listening in on their conversation.
"For not being like you expected anymore…" Roman replied a bit hesitantly, his expression faltering for a bit before quickly switching back to a playful smirk when he noticed his brother drawing in on himself at the comment. "I won't apologize for smacking you in the past. You were a reckless idiot. You still are."
"But you love me for that right? Cute little brothers are supposed to annoy their older siblings, it's part of the job description," Remus pointed out, folding his hands behind his head as he walked.
"You're what? Fifteen minutes younger? I feel like that isn't how it should actually work," Roman sighed.
Remus spun around, walking backwards, just a pace in front of Roman, smiling a wide toothy grin.
"Of course it is!" Remus exclaimed.
Roman chuckled and shook his head. Remus seemed so much happier than before with just a bit of playful banter. He didn't think he was that different than he was back then. He felt like he'd always behaved that way; it was what made people happy and it was what was expected of him.
Roman fell a bit more quiet, still pondering the situation but trying to make light conversation with Remus to make him happy. He observed his surroundings as they walked. There were so many people of every gender. They all seemed so casual and fun, bobbing in and out of dozens of different stores. He'd never been anywhere like this. Not that it was surprising he hadn't, up until this year he'd never even been outside his house unless it was to accompany his master to another house for a few hours to attend a party. A year ago he didn't know a lot about the outside world. Still to see such a causal slice of life was strange but exciting.
Not too long into their walk Janus stopped in his tracks, catching Remus with practiced ease as he tripped over Janus because he hadn't been bothered to watch where he was going.
"We're here, are you ready Roman?" Janus asked.
Roman nodded and slipped a little closer to peer into the establishment where several hairdressers were working in the area behind a reception desk.
"Would you like Remus or I to go back with you or would you like to go on your own? I know you haven't really had an experience like this so it's okay if you want help," Janus insisted as they walked over to the desk.
"I'll be fine," Roman replied.
Janus gave him a warm half smile in response before heading over to the desk to request an appointment for Roman. Once it was complete one of the free hairdressers took him back to a little station with a mirror and swivel chair.
"Alright Darlin' what would you like done?" The female beta working on him asked after he'd gotten situated in his seat.
"Huh?" Roman asked, blinking blankly at the woman's reflection in the mirror.
"Your hair. What do you want done with it? Trimmed, cut, shaved, dyed, styled, a combination?" She asked, raising a brow at his reflection.
"I… Cut? A cut I think. Not shaved. That's way too short. I just want it to be neater… Long hair on boys is messy and inconvenient…" He muttered distantly with a frown.
He looked down at the countertop as he tugged absently at a strand of his hair remembering words he'd heard several times before when his hair would start growing a bit long. Roman jumped a bit when he felt something touching his head but settled down when he realized it was just the young woman beginning to brush his hair. He looked up at her expression which had gone soft as she looked down at him.
"The man who brought you in, he's been here a few times. Are you a new mate of his?" She asked.
"Huh? Oh! No, no, no. My brother is his mate. I'm just visiting," Roman chuckled.
Not a total lie, just a partial truth. It was just a little more than a simple visit for a time being.
"Hmhm, you do look a lot like that one quirky Omega of his, Remus I believe. I've seen him and the others come by several times. I was a bit surprised to see you with him since I'd never seen you around here before. Where are you from?" She asked, beginning to comb out his hair and trim it.
"The outskirts of the Chaigne area, in the upper district," Roman replied.
"Oooh, a ritzy area hmm? Must have a pretty rich or important mate," she assumed.
"I mean I guess. He has a lot of money and gets a lot of invitations to different events and social gatherings." Roman mused.
"Well I bet he'll be happy to see your bond mark isn't covered by your hair anymore," the beta chirped cheerfully, referring to the area of his hair that she'd just finished cutting.
He could see it in the mirror, just a bit of the large bite shaped scar on the back of his neck that was now exposed with the shorter hair. He could feel the phantom pain of the bite again while staring at the discolored skin.
His stomach churned sourly as he ripped his eyes from the reflection. Roman's hand slipped up and cupped the back of his neck, covering the mark as he kept his gaze low, away from the mirror. His ears pressed low to the top of his head as more memories tried to resurface. The hair stylist stopped trimming the last bits of his hair and took a long look at Roman's dark expression.
"You know. You have really pretty hair and now that it's cut it'll be fairly healthy. I think you should let it grow out this time. I think you'd look good with shoulder length hair, don't you think?" She said gesturing to a length, just passed the bottom of his scar.
He smiled softly to himself as he let his hands slip back into his lap. He gave a small, shy nod of appreciation. She brightened and smiled at the response before turning the chair towards herself so he was facing away from the mirror.
"Alright, why don't I shape up your bangs a bit and then I'll find some hair treatment to grow out your hair to a nice healthy length? If you're not interested in that, I highly suggest using a mint extract, it's good for lengthening and thickening hair," she suggested helpfully.
Roman just gave a nod as he fiddled with his hands in his lap before sitting still to allow her to do her job. She did her work quickly and let him turn to face himself in the mirror. His waves had crimped up with the less weight leaving the short hair, neatly cut around his head, curling in to frame his face, the bangs twisting up around his jaw.
"Do you like it? If so, we can head back to your brother and his alpha," the woman stated, holding out a hand to the timid omega.
Roman accepted and let himself be led to where Remus and Janus were waiting in the front of the small shop, Remus practically on top of Janus as he shoved the phone in his mates face to show him whatever it was that interested him. They looked up upon hearing the approaching footsteps and Remus leapt out of his seat to greet Roman.
"Hey! Looking good, not as cool as me, but good. You like it?" Remus asked.
Roman placed his hand over the bondmark on his neck as did his best to smile.
"Y-eah. I like it, she knew what she was doing. I might leave it a bit longer next time though," Roman chuckled nervously.
Remus looked at him suspiciously before glancing over at where the hairdresser had stolen Janus away to go pay but was also discussing that Janus seemed a little distressed about. He perked his ears with interest but he couldn't make out much of what they were whispering over the music.
"I could see it. It'd probably look good on you, all regal and shiz," Remus conceded finally after giving up on trying to figure out what was the matter.
Roman smiled at the complement, glad more people thought it'd look alright on him. He slipped his hand away from his scar and noticed his brother's expression darken upon noticing what he'd been covering. Remus rubbed at his own bondmark that linked him to Janus as he glanced back at the alpha who was now finishing checking out and bringing back a small bag of hair products.
"Alright, we're done here. Are you ready to head over to the clothing store?" Janus asked, checking in on Roman.
"Mhm, I'm ready Sir Janus," Roman nodded.
"I'll pick out the best outfits for you. I already have the best ideas," Remus beamed as they exited the hair salon back into the decently busy halls of the mall.
"No offense but I don't really trust those best ideas of yours. I think I'll help him with the outfits," Janus said with a soft smirk and sceptical raised brow.
"Hey, don't pass up my ideas so easily. I'd know how to help him pick out his type of clothes better than you," Remus argued.
"What? I picked out the first wardrobe of three of four omegas now. I've got experience with finding out what they feel comfortable wearing," Janus pointed out.
"Janus, two of them were literal children and the other one had never gotten the chance to dress the way he wanted so he'd have taken anything of the like. Plus, I was the only one you didn't pick out clothing for and may I just say I have the best fashion choices of everyone? Art is my passion and that includes fashion. Don't discount my ideas," Remus pouted.
Janus gave a little chuckled sigh.
"Alright, alright, fair enough. Just don't force anything on Roman that he's not comfortable with," Janus conceded.
"Obviously," Remus agreed.
"Speaking of which, Roman. Do you have any ideas yet of the type of clothing you'd like to look at?" Janus asked.
Roman was startled at suddenly being addressed after they'd entered their banter and left him out of it.
"Um, not really? I don't really care that much I suppose. My outfits have always been picked for me so I don't have any experience with this kind of thing," Roman said.
"It's alright we'll look around and find something you'd like. There's no rush to figure it out," Janus reassured him.
They rounded the corner and headed off to a large department store where Janus started walking in one direction and Remus in the other. Roman looked between the two of them confusedly and Janus stopped in his tracks to call over to his mate.
"Remus, the male clothing section is this way," Janus said with a raised brow.
"I'm aware," he replied, still walking away.
"Then where are you going?" Janus stressed.
"To look for something, jeez, just trust me. Take Roman to see if he finds anything interesting," Remus called back as he continued to walk away, waving to them dismissively over his shoulder.
"Well, you heard the man, I guess it'll just be the two of us for a bit," Janus said, holding out his arm to invite Roman to his side.
Roman trotted forward to stand beside the man following him through the line of clothing.
"Just speak up if you see anything you'd like," Janus told him.
Still Roman hardly looked. There were too many colors and styles, he had no idea what they'd look like on him or how others would perceive them on him. He did however get nervous about what the different style samples Janus was picking out for him. They weren't horrible, if he saw someone dressed in those sorts of clothing he'd probably like the outfits on them but for him it was another story. They weren't like anything he'd ever worn, too informal to be like what Mistress liked and too masculine to be what Master would have liked. Perhaps that was a good thing, the change, he'd never liked the clothing they made him wear. But it made them happy when he wore them. Perhaps Janus would be the same way. He couldn't shake off the uneasy feeling of so much change.
"Would you like to try on any of this?" Janus asked, looking at the clearly uneasy omega as he raised the pile of clothing in his arms.
"Yeah, sure, might as well," Roman replied, trying his best to keep himself positive, it was better that way.
Janus led him over to the dressing rooms and handed him the pile of clothing.
"Go ahead and try these on to get an idea of what you might like, I'll go see if I can find where Remus ran off to. I won't be gone long," Janus promised before quickly heading off towards the other side of the store.
Roman watched him disappear past the clothing racks before turning and entering the little back all in the shop holding the series of small changing rooms. He found an empty room and slipped in, hanging up the clothing on the provided hooks. He shed his own clothing and glanced in the mirror. It'd been a while since he'd actually looked at his body. He'd really gotten thin, but it did nothing to mask his broad bone structure. His chest was getting very swollen to the point it was bruising a little, the lactation pads Janus had picked up for him yesterday were already decently damp, he'd have to change them when he got home. His gaze trailed further down and he ran a finger along the stretch marks covering his lower abdomen, the lasting damage of something that didn't even last.
Roman tisked at himself, no longer wanting to think. He reached for Janus's clothing and getting changed into them. It was as he thought, the clothing just didn't seem right on him. The first outfit he tried was a button up red flannel with a pair of buff colored khakis. They looked alright and physically the fit was comfortable, but something about seeing himself in them made him feel very uncomfortable. It didn't look like something he would have worn. It wasn't something an omega would wear. It emphasized the fact that if he didn't bare the telltale features of an omega he'd look just like any other beta or alpha even. He forced himself to smile. Perhaps the next one would be better.
He got through his third outfit, a simple white t-shirt with a brown leather coat and a pair of straight cut blue jeans, when he heard someone approaching his door.
"Ro-Ro! I've come to bless you with my fashion sense, open up," Remus called.
Roman sighed a little. Whatever he brought probably couldn't make him feel any worse or dejected than he already felt. He opened up the door to look at Remus who was bouncing with excitement holding a much smaller pile of clothing than what Janus had given him. He blinked at Roman taking in what he was currently wearing before pursing his lips thoughtfully.
"You look uncomfortable as all hell, but if it's any consolation you look pretty damn great in it," Remus mused.
"I'm really not used to you of all people giving me so many compliments as you have today," Roman frowned.
"Eh," Remus shrugged before shoving the new clothes into Roman's arms. "Someone's gotta help rebuild your confidence after that little shit of a 'master' of yours filled your head with all those stupid lies. Now try those on, I think you'll be surprised."
Roman closed his door and glanced down at the clothing bunched up in his arms. It was worth a try, he couldn't leave here with nothing, he had to pick something out and maybe Remus really had found something he'd like.
He pulled on the new clothing and turned to face himself in the mirror. It was an outfit of pale blue skinny jeans, a surprisingly lightweight off-white turtleneck, and a deep burgundy cardigan. The clothing was loose and stretchy enough he'd be able to grow into it as he gained back more weight from a normal diet but form fitting enough it did accent his few curves while slightly masking the broader upper body. The neck of the shirt completely covered the scar. He actually really liked it. He didn't hate his reflection. He smiled softly, wiping a bit of dampness from his eyes. He shouldn't be so over emotional about clothes. Still he was excited to see what else Remus had paired together.
He hummed cheerfully to himself as he removed the clothing and turned to Remus's next outfit. Before he could start getting changed a startling chill went up his spine. He could bring himself to move or turn around. There was a knock on the door and an alpha scent he could clearly recognize as Janus's and yet there was something far different that his mind wanted him to remember. A scent that was possessive and suffocating, approaching him from behind. He didn't dare turn to face them. An alpha voice ordering him not to move, even if he already couldn't bring himself to do so. He was vulnerable, there was nowhere to go but the door that was being blocked, he had to face it. He wasn't supposed to be here, he was supposed to be back in his room. It was his fault. There was soon so much yelling, he didn't know which reality it was from. Before he knew it he was on the ground hugging his bare torso with frightened tears running down his face as he stared blankly at the floor, reimagining the prominent memory.
"Roman, Roman, please open the door. It's just me, I sent Janus away. Please let me in, everything's going to be okay. I'm right here, just let me help," he could make out Remus pleading from the other side of the door.
Roman sniffled a bit as he reached up behind him and fumbled with the lock, eventually managing to flip it over to the side so Remus could slip in. Remus relocked the door behind him and knelt down beside Roman, pulling him into his arms.
"Shh, hey, it's okay. Why did you get so spooked suddenly? Your scent flipped in the matter of seconds," Remus stressed worriedly.
"I-I know. I knew it was Janus… I knew it was your mate and he wouldn't do anything but I still… I didn't mean it! I just wanted to tidy up, I was gonna go back. I wasn't trying to break the new rules," Roman struggled holding himself tighter.
Remus's brows furrowed with confusion but he knew what Roman was saying had nothing to do with what happened today. It was just part of the past that Roman refused to talk about. Remus tucked him closer to his chest and frowned awkwardly, still not knowing how to deal with these types of outbursts.
"Intrusive thoughts are little shits. When they pop up tell them to go take a bath in hydrochloric acid," Remus said. "And also, you can tell me about them, if you want to, that is. I told you about mine often enough."
Roman chuckled weakly before sniffling again and wiping at more stray tears. Remus understood why this man didn't act like the brother he used to know, this was a person that had obviously been very badly hurt in his past even if he was unsure of how. Someday his Roman might come back, but right now, he just needed to do his best to empathize with him, protect him so he could heal and rise past it.
Remus sat with Roman until he'd fully calmed down and he helped him get back into the clothing he'd come in, there was no point in putting Roman through more stress they just needed to get him home. Luckily Roman had liked what Remus picked so he'd conceded to just having Remus and Janus pick out a few more colors of the outfit, as well as the other styles Remus had picked out, trusting the choice of clothing blindly after the first example. When Roman saw Janus again he tried to apologize profusely for randomly panicking at his presence but Janus just rested his hand on top of his head and reassured him he hadn't taken it personally. On the way back home they hardly spoke, Roman wasn't in the mood and to say the other two weren't feeling a bit awkward after the breakdown would be a lie.
Roman was grateful when they got back to Janus's house he wanted nothing more than to rest and forget everything that'd happened. To his surprise they were greeted at the door by Patton and Virgil.
"Did you all have fun? How did it go? Did you find anything you liked?" Patton asked excitedly.
"It was alright for the most part," Roman replied nervously, shifting a little further away from the white furred omega in his face. "Remus found some pretty nice clothing for me to wear."
"Well that's great! Now, Virgy and I have something to ask you!" He beamed excitedly.
"Uh, yeah, look. After this morning I felt a bit badly about everything and wanted to hang out and stuff. You said you'd never watched Disney before so Patt and I picked out some of our favorites for you to watch just to see if you like them. Patt wants to binge all of them if you do," Virgil muttered shyly, fiddling with the cuffs of his hoodie.
Roman blinked in surprise. He had wanted to go back to the room he'd been given but the omegas were actually inviting him to spend quality time with them. With how mentally exhausted he felt, that actually seemed very comforting and pleasant to be accepted by them and get to hang out.
"That'd be pretty nice. I'd like that," Roman smiled gratefully.
"Yay!" Patton cheered, draping himself over Roman's shoulders. "Janny? ReRe? You two want to join?"
"I'd better get more work done, you all have fun," Janus replied, giving them a small wave as he walked on by and up the stairs to the second floor.
"I'm in, but I want comfy clothes first. You want some pajamas too, Ro?" Remus asked.
"It's the middle of the day though?" Roman pointed out with a raised brow.
"There is no better time to wear pajamas than lounging around your house at three in the afternoon," Remus replied all too seriously without missing a beat.
"You're far too strange."
"But you're in right?"
"I suppose so."
Remus cheered and grabbed onto Roman's wrist to lead him back to the spare room to change.
"Patt, Vi, don't forget the popcorn and pillow fort. We're gonna get him addicted to movie marathons!" Remus called over his shoulder.
"Why does this make me feel concerned?"
"Don't worry you'll love it, promise. As I said, don't doubt me. I may be crazy but I am in fact a genius."