Hello again and this took waaaay too long to write. Every time I'd try to write this my head just wanders off to the major plot point, but you know, I wanted to do a bit of Roman development before that but now I'm just thinking about diving straight into plot, character backstories and just having Roman's stages of grief/poor body image/minor ptsd just come in more so during those chapters. So hopefully we'll be getting into some interesting chapters in the near future. So, with that being said lets get into the actual chapter here, shall we? Trigger warnings for this chapter include labor, homelessness, death of a child, lots of denial and avoidance, self loathing, downward spiraling thoughts, and I think that is it? Correct me if I'm wrong. Anyways I still hope you end up enjoying this chapter even if it is a whole angst fest. As always take care of yourselves and thanks for reading.
His hand scooped around his enlarged stomach, bracing himself against a wall as another in a series of intense excruciating painful cramping ripped through his core. It felt worse than his usual hunger or pregnancy pains. He was very late in his pregnancy and he hadn't been able to eat for a couple days, he wondered that was perhaps the cause.
Roman let out a shaky breath sinking down the wall exhaustedly, the cramping temporarily lessening. He should probably find his way to the main road and panhandle for food again. It hadn't been as easy to get hand-outs the past few months, ever since he started showing. Everyone assumed the worst of a homeless pregnant omega, he could be a con or a prostitute or someone else who deserved this type of life and brought it upon themself. Perhaps he did deserve this, it's all some sort of punishment for something he'd done but never realized was wrong.
He soothed a hand over his baby bump as the cramping started again.
"I'll go find us some food, Baby, I just need a moment to rest," Roman grimaced through the pain.
The baby hadn't moved at all recently. He felt like something was wrong, very wrong. The pain was getting worse and more frequent, this wasn't normal. There is something very wrong.
Roman's mouth hung open with a gasp as there was a strange popping feeling in his lower abdomen followed by the gush of warm fluid into his pants, the liquid rapidly cooling in the frigid autumn night air. His water broke. He was in pain because he was in labor.
He needed a doctor. He couldn't do this on his own. He couldn't do it here in a dirty alleyway. He'd just be turned away with another excuse just like every other time he tried to receive help. He was exhausted and in pain, there was probably no way he'd even make it to the hospital.
Roman let out choked sob as another contraction hit. He had to do it on his own, there was no other choice.
"H-hang on Baby. Plea-please hang on."
.
.
.
Roman screamed at the memory of the intense pain, similar to that of several bones breaking at the same time, of giving birth as he shot up in his bed, startling the other two sleeping forms in his bed out of their slumber. He sat there wide eyed in the dark windowless room staring into nothingness as he wrapped his arms protectively over his abdomen. Lamplight flicked on from the nightstand beside the bed where Logan groggily blinked over at Roman's trembling form. Meanwhile Remus was trying to pull himself back up from where he'd nearly fallen off the bed.
"Roman? What is the matter?" Logan asked, drawing hesitantly closer to the frightened omega.
Roman's brow furrowed and twitched as he put on his best smile, straightening up and attempted to relax.
"Nothing. Sorry, I just had a bit of a nightmare," Roman replied.
"What about? Something that happened or like one of those dreams where you can't run fast enough from a psycho with a nail gun that he wants to shoot through your throat?" Remus asked.
"What?"
"I take it that recurring nightmare was not present during your youths," Logan hummed, still trying to fully wake himself up.
"No… He did have a frequent one about goblins killing him with toilet paper rolls though," Roman replied awkwardly.
"Heh, haven't had that one in a while. Why was I so afraid of it? Gah! That's not what we're talking about. You. Nightmare. Kind. Now," Remus demanded with a pout.
"There are more polite ways to phrase that question, Remus," Logan stated before his brow furrowed and he fixated on Roman's current position. "However, I'm curious as well. You've been holding your abdomen this entire time. Would I be wrong to presume your nightmare had something to do with your daughter?"
Roman visibly winced as his breath got caught in his throat. Although he tried to keep the small, gentle smile on his face, his eyes became downcast and his brows pinched. It'd seem he was too easy to read, especially towards an individual as observant as Logan. Roman rubbed his flattened belly one last time before finally removing his hand.
"I just dreamt about labor is all, without a doctor or medication it was quite painful. It's nothing I cannot handle, no need t0 worry yourselves," Roman beamed brightly as he was able.
Logan let out a small huff of disbelief as he grabbed his phone off the nightstand to check the time.
"If you're certain you are alright, I won't continue to pry. Will you be returning to sleep? My own alarm to get up and ready for classes will be going off in a half hour so I likely won't be," Logan questioned.
"Noooooo, don't wanna get up yet. Logan gets up so early. No one should be awake before noon, it's inhuman," Remus groaned, rolling over to bury his face in the pillows by Roman's hip, one of his arms reaching over to drape across Roman.
"Hmmm, and here I used to think I was the dramatic one," Roman hummed. "Anyways, I'm up now. I don't feel like sleeping anymore. If you're getting up then I will accompany you, although I don't think Remus will be following our example."
"Mmnnnn, I'll get up, but I don't want to," Remus pouted.
Logan chuckled as he slipped out of his bed.
"I'll be slipping out to my room to change if that is alright with you Roman, I will stick around longer if something is wrong," Logan said.
"No, no, I'm fine. I'll see you in the livingroom in a little bit, okay?" Roman replied.
Logan let out a soft breath through his nose as he looked at Roman warmly.
"I'll see you there then," he said, turning and walking out the bedroom door.
Roman let himself relax further into the pillows as the door closed, turning his head to face his brother who was still pouting into the pillows.
"I thought you said you were getting up, Remus," Roman sighed, poking at the arm stretched across his lap.
"Just a few more minutes, 'kay?" Remus yawned, barely lifting his head.
"No, Remus, you'll just fall back to sleep," Roman countered.
"That's the plan."
"So help me, I will shove you off this bed."
"You and what strength?"
"I just woke up, please do not test my patience."
"Sleepy time…"
"Remus!"
"Ow! Fine!" Remus sat up kissing the back of his hand where Roman had just pinched him. "So mean."
"Only to you, oh dearest baby brother," Roman replied sarcastically as he himself yawned and pulled himself out of bed.
"Hmm, just like you were back at the facility," Remus chuckled playfully.
Roman glanded back and gave a small half smile.
"But you like it, right?" He hummed as he clicked on the overhead light, wincing a bit as his eyes adjusted.
"'Course, it doesn't feel like a stranger then, just us being kids again," Remus mused.
Roman's brow furrowed with thought as he opened up his closet.
"Aren't you gonna go to your room and get dressed?" Roman asked without a single glance back at his brother who still hadn't budged.
Remus let out a dramatic sigh as he rolled out of bed.
"Fine, Fine, I'm going. All the way up two sets of stairs at like four in the morning," Remus complained.
"The clock says it's approaching six thirty in the morning," Roman chuckled affectionately.
"Same difference," Remus complained as he walked out of the room.
The door clicked closed and Roman's shoulders shuttered a bit and he leaned forward against his closet door, trying to regain the composure he'd been struggling to maintain since he awoke. It was fine. He was going to be fine. He'd get dressed, eat some more of Patton's delicious food and then Patton, Virgil, and Remus would drag him to the living room to watch more of those fun movies, he didn't need to think about it. If he didn't think about it, then reality could just remain little more than a normal nightmare. Behave, don't think.
He straightened up and smiled to himself before grabbing a random outfit for the day. He winced slightly at the pain in his swollen chest as the fabric of his nightshirt rubbed against it. He replaced the lactation pads with a deep grimace and pulled the black scoop necked shirt himself, wrapping the light weight, burgundy infinity scarf around his neck like a safety blanket. He quickly changed into a pair of lighter colored jeans and made his way out of his room, cutting around through the back hallway instead of the main hall. He pushed open the doors on the right side of the living room to find himself as the first one to arrive. He suspected he wouldn't be long as he heard footsteps descending down the staircase outside the front door of the room, a second series of footsteps soon following.
"Oh, greetings, Janus. How are you this morning," he heard Logan saying, his voice growing closer with each step.
Roman's keen catlike ears swiveled with interest upon realizing the alpha of the house was also awake.
"Oh good morning, Logan, I'm alright," Janus replied, a slight sigh in his voice.
"Pardon my disbelief but you're quite clearly distressed and annoyed by something, what happened?" Logan asked.
There was a drawn out silence that made Roman tense up a bit with concern, wondering if Janus had become upset with Logan and if he should try to intervene. The silence was broken by a sigh.
"You really are too perceptive for your own good, aren't you? It's nothing you need to urgently worry yourself over. I just… I've had a lot of bad or at least bothersome news this morning already. First my dad called and told me I have to go to this stupid party an investor of his is throwing to represent him, which means I have to put one of you in that uncomfortable position of being part of that type of community again. Then my reminder notification went off to remind me the bills are due in a few days and with all of the unexpected expenses these past few days I don't have enough unless I dip into my savings that I've been putting aside for Virgil's surgery again. I know he says he doesn't mind waiting but I know he does and you know how horribly I feel about doing it. I know I can ask my father for a loan but that'll just give him another reason to insist I join his law firm and move closer to him again and I can't do that to you guys. Then to top it off the funeral home also called a few minutes ago saying they can't keep waiting for us to contact them and we need to inform them about funeral plans and what we want done with the body," Janus replied, annoyance gradually growing in his voice as he unloaded his stress on his understanding mate.
Roman sank down the wall covering his mouth with shock. Two of those three things were his fault. He didn't know Janus was struggling with money, he'd have never let him spend so much if he knew. As for the funeral, he still didn't want to think about it but it was affecting the household who'd given him so much kindness already.
"That does indeed sound like a stressful morning," Logan agreed in a comforting tone. "Focus on your work for now, you're going to be late to the office if you don't head out soon. I'll deal with things here to alleviate some of the burden. I'll tell the others about the party and we'll go on a voluntary basis, you know none of us will force ourselves to go if we really didn't want to. I'll explain the situation to Virgil and he'll understand, he's got a good heart, you know that. As for the final issue, I'll try to talk to Roman but I make no guarantees. He already wasn't in a good mindset this morning."
"Thank you, my brilliant star. I owe you so much for your support," Janus replied.
"No worries, I'm glad to help. I owe you far more for saving me when we met than you ever could owe me for any bit of help. But Janus, do fix your tie before you get to work," Logan said, a smile evident in his voice.
He heard a chuckle and soon a pair of footsteps drew away towards the front door of the house to leave. Roman flinched as the door to the living room creaked open and Logan entered. He did his best to quickly regain his composure but Logan had already seen.
"I hadn't expected you to arrive before me," Logan hummed as he drew closer and knelt in front of him. "You heard the both of us, didn't you."
"I'm sorry," Roman mumbled, shrinking in on himself, hoping Logan wouldn't be upset.
"So you know what I need to talk to you about," Logan added, his voice still even, not giving any clue towards what he was thinking.
Roman stiffened and looked around for an escape.
"I-I know, and I'll think about it. You know, later. I'll think about it later. Why don't we go to breakfast first," Roman stumbled.
"You know you're going to keep prolonging it. I know it's hard but you can't keep denying it and making promises you don't intend to keep," Logan sighed knowingly.
Roman's chest tightened and his hands clenched into trembling fists.
"What the hell do you know? You don't know me or my situation so who are you to call me out?" Roman growled.
"Roman."
He flinched, Logan was more stern that time. He'd overstepped his bounds. He didn't mean to get aggressive like that. He didn't like feeling so trapped like this. He deserved to be trapped like this, the whole situation was his fault anyways. Everything that has ever happened to him was his own fault. Bella dying was his own fault. Janus being having so many issues to deal with was his fault. He hated himself so much.
"I don't know. No matter how much I study and read, I'll never know exactly what you are experiencing. What I do know is you are obviously grieving and I wish to help you in any way I'm able. If you need to cry, yell, rant, I won't mind. Remus, Janus, Patton, Virgil are all the same," Logan promised.
Roman blinked slowly at the floor, unable to meet Logan's eyes. Logan let out a soft sigh but still smiled, extending a hand out to Roman.
"Come on, there is one place I haven't shown you yet, my own little hidden nook," Logan said.
Roman reluctantly took his hand and let himself be led out of the living room back the way he'd come in, heading off towards the library. In the center of the library was a spiral staircase leading up to the second floor, the entire stairwell encased in bookshelves. Logan took Roman over to the stairs and squeezed past the stair rail to a little corner. Logan turned on a small lantern that lit up the previously dim area to show off the beanbag chair, handful of pillows and a blanket.
"No one but me really comes in here and when they do they never really notice this. It's my own area to escape their… overenthusiastic attitudes at times. If you ever feel overwhelmed, you're more than welcome here," Logan explained, sitting himself down on the beanbag and patting his leg to invite Roman to cuddle with him.
Roman gratefully accepted and sat down, relaxing against Logan's chest. The other omega wrapped an arm around him but recoiled when he heard a pained yelp.
"Roman? Are you hurt?" Logan asked concernedly.
"It's fine," Roman replied quickly, a hand hovering over his sensitive chest.
Logan gently guided him to turn around and face him, bringing the lantern closer to give himself more light.
"Let me see," Logan requested, gently pulling at the hem of Roman's shirt.
Roman looked away embarrassedly but conceded, not wanting to cause another commotion. Logan pulled the shirt up over his chest and let out a small sad breath at the swollen, inflamed and slightly bruised state of Roman's chest.
"Haven't you been relieving any of the pressure build up?" Logan asked worriedly.
Roman remained silent and he turned his head even further away.
"Roman…" Logan let out a frustrated sigh, knowing well that Roman wouldn't respond well to any sort of lecture at the moment. "Alright, just let me help you out, please. It's badly inflamed, I'm concerned about the risk of blocked ducts or infection. You just need to relieve a little pressure, alright?"
Roman gave a curt nod, clenching his jaw in an attempt to stop it from trembling. Logan reached over and grabbed for a hidden stash of paper towels and he pulled away the lactation pads. His hands were gentle, kneading at the skin to draw out a bit of the liquid inside, giving a mixed sense of pain and relief. It was weird, bringing out more than just a few drops at a time, hot liquid dripping down his skin and immediately being wiped away.
"Are you alright, Roman? You're crying," Logan stated, moving a hand up to brush away a stray tear.
He was crying. He didn't feel anything strongly right now besides the physical sensations of his body and yet he was on the verge of breaking down completely sobbing.
Logan quickly but gently drew out just a touch more milk so that Roman's chest didn't feel as hand to the touch and replaced everything he'd removed. He then tugged Roman a bit closer to his side, allowing him to snuggle up as close as he wanted.
"Crying isn't a negative action. Sometimes the body just needs to expel the pain it's experiencing somehow, so don't hold back alright?" Roman stated.
Roman twisted his fingers into the formal shirt Logan wore, wrinkling the fabric. He tried to hold back but the lump in his throat and pain behind his eyes grew until he broke. Roman let out a cry akin to that of a wounded animal as violently shook against Logan's chest with heaving sobs. Logan just hugged him back as he soothed a hand through his hair and another across his did his best to release a comforting scent, even if it wouldn't be as strong or affective as an alphas or even a normal omega's for that matter.
It took a while for the cries to die down to softer sniffles. Logan was already late heading out to campus but he'd resigned to just using the online option the college provided for the day and just recording his lectures. He was also fairly sure Remus was likely at least concerned by now that he couldn't find his brother. Still he didn't dare disturb Roman. Logan would give him every opportunity to let out his emotions that he could. With his crying session nearing its end he seemed far more exhausted than he had since he'd awoken that morning.
"I want cremation."
"Hmm? What was that you said?" Logan asked, startled to even hear him talking.
"I want Bella cremated. I don't care about what happens with the funeral, no one will show up anyways. But I think cremation will be the cheaper route and then… at least I can keep her with me," Roman replied, mumbling slightly into Logan's shoulder.
"Are you sure that's what you want Roman?" Logan questioned concernedly.
"Yeah, I'm sure," Roman said.
"As long as that's what you want. I'll help Janus get the rest of the details ironed out. Now, are you ready to go back out to the others?" Logan raised a brow.
"Yeah… I think I am this time," Roman chuckled with a small but genuine smile.