A/N: The synopsis for this one probably sounds pretty fucking stupid, but let me explain. This fic is part of a competition in the official Yuru Yuri Discord server where we write a crack fic premise in the most natural way possible. The prompt, suggested by MeleeCloud, reads "Akari leads a feminine army against the very existence of geese." I decided to put a bit of a spin on the premise, but I hope you all enjoy regardless!
It was a peaceful fall day in the town of Namori, with a particular red-headed protagonist taking a nap on one of the local park's wooden benches. Namori has always been an incredibly safe place to live, so much like her fellow students at Nanamori Middle School, Akari Akaza felt completely comfortable falling asleep in such a public place. Unbeknownst to her, however, on this day she had been followed.
Sakurako Oomuro was the middle child of three sisters, the other two of which valued their education whereas she preferred to do whatever she felt like doing (and naturally, she never felt like completing her homework). With her sisters Nadeshiko and Hanako, as well as her best friend Himawari Furutani, occupied with studying for their midterm exams, the blonde brat was left to her own devices once again. Similarly to a previous summer day, she had seen her friend Akari walking across the street and elected to keep an eye on her. Surely to ensure her friend's safety, and not at all because she wanted to play a practical joke on the unsuspecting Akari. That's what friends do, right? Right?
Wrong. Sakurako remembered all too well how much laughter she had enjoyed the last time she and Himawari had tailed the redhead. On that particular day, Sakurako had waited until Akari entered a deep sleep, crept up behind her and placed two rabbit-shaped biscuits in her trademark buns. Within seconds, several small birds descended from the trees in pursuit of the carbohydrates now available to them. As luck would have it, today Sakurako had another packet of biscuits in her jacket's front pocket, and she gripped the package in anticipation as she stood behind a cedar tree, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
Several minutes later, Akari's eyes were rolled into the back of her head, indicating that she had finally fallen asleep. Perfectly according to her plan, Sakurako slowly walked up behind Akari and wedged the treats into her buns, taking extra care not to wake her. There was a reason for Sakurako's increased excitement: even someone as stupid as Sakurako knows that different birds patrol the air around Namori during different seasons. This particular autumn, Namori was seeing an unusually large amount of geese flying overhead. This was sure to bring her fifty times the laughter that her last gag had.
Sneaking back behind the cedar tree, she heard the honking in the distance and braced herself so her lungs would not explode with mirth. As expected, the honking drew nearer and nearer as the geese saw the tasty treats nestled within Akari's hair and made their descent accordingly. Sakurako peeked out from behind the tree to see a family of five feathered fucks approaching her friend, visibly hungry and full of the desire to get this bread.
The leader of the small gaggle hopped onto the bench beside Akari, and without a moment's hesitation pecked at the biscuit hidden in the left bun. This aggressive assault quickly woke up the redhead, and she turned to her left still groggy to see the source of the poke that she just felt. She had expected to find Kyoko or another one of her friends beside her, but the angry HONK that the goose uttered after losing sight of the snack quickly proved that she had been wrong. As her vision cleared up, she took one look at the giant goose in front of her and immediately screamed in terror. Another furious HONK was uttered in response before all five of the geese ganged up on Akari, pecking away at her in hopes of earning access to the biscuits once more.
As Akari was quickly driven to her hands and knees as a result of the rampant pecking, a rare feeling began bubbling up inside Sakurako, and that feeling was regret. Wasn't this supposed to be funny? So why did she feel like she needed to step in and stop this? After another moment of pondering, Sakurako bit the bullet and pulled the rest of the biscuits out of her pocket, throwing them away from her friend to direct the geese's attention towards something else. The loss of her biscuits was not in vain, as all five of the birds quickly turned away from Akari and sprinted towards the larger quantity of grain now available to them. With the birds successfully distracted, Sakurako ran to her friend and helped her walk away from the scene and sat her down behind a nearby bush, outside of their field of vision. Fortunately, Akari was not too badly hurt. There were several bruises beginning to form on her arms and legs, and a small cut on her forehead, but she would certainly survive.
"I-I'm going to get you some ice and bandages, Akari-chan," Sakurako finally spoke to her friend. "Do you need something to drink?"
"B... Black coffee, please," Akari replied as she fell back into the shrubbery. Sakurako was tempted to help her friend back up, but she seemed oddly relaxed in this position and elected not to disturb her. After stealthily removing the two biscuits from her buns and throwing them into the pile that the geese were still feeding on, Sakurako sprinted back to her house to retrieve the adhesive bandages, ice pack, and change for the vending machine.
"I totally fucked up," the blonde thought to herself as she didn't slow down until she reached her front doorstep. She quickly scrounged up the supplies and returned to the park, the first aid kit and a can of black coffee in her hands.
"Wake up, Akari-chan," Sakurako whispered as she attempted to rustle her friend awake. She succeeded, and helped her friend sit back up. Still feeling guilty about what had transpired earlier, she popped open the can of coffee and elected to help Akari drink it. After all, her arms were badly bruised. "Lean back a bit and try to get this down. You need the energy."
She directed the opening of the can to Akari's mouth and began to tilt it forward as Akari widened her mouth, prepared to take a small sip of her desired beverage. As the coffee flowed from the can to her tongue, her taste buds kicked in and she spat out the bitter solution directly onto Sakurako's best white blouse. "I deserve that," Sakurako thought as she did her best not to get angry at her friend, who was violently coughing beside her.
As Akari's hacking finally relented, Sakurako steeled herself knowing that she had to apologize to keep her guilty conscience at bay. "Akari-chan, I'm sorry," she began. "I was looking after you while you slept and didn't think those geese would be that aggressive. I should have shooed them away earlier. Can you forgive me?"
"Okay, so I might have omitted a major detail."
"It's okay, Sakurako-chan," Akari began her reply. "I'm just glad you were here in the first place, or else those geese would have just kept attacking me. I wonder why they got so mad at me though."
"Haha yeah I wonder, right? Those birds are just so crazy and stupid sometimes, aren't they?", Sakurako chuckled nervously with a hand gripping the back of her neck.
Several minutes passed in silence. The geese had finally had their fill of the biscuits and left the scene. Sakurako and Akari were now seated next to each other on the bench, which was naturally more comfortable than the bush that Akari had been lying in earlier. The only sounds were those of Akari continually trying and failing to swallow some of the black coffee, as Sakurako's mind was still heavy with guilt.
"I can't tell Akari-chan what I did, she still doesn't even know that I was the one who put the biscuits in her hair the last time. But I shouldn't do something like that to her again. I need to be more helpful as her friend, starting now."
"Hey Sakurako-chan," Akari said as she finally broke the silence. "Can you help me with something?"
"Perfect," the brat conjectured in her mind. "My first opportunity to be a better friend!"
"Of course, Akari-chan!", she replied out loud. "Anything for my friends! What can I do?"
"Well... I need you to help me kill every last one of those motherfuckers."