A/N- Hi. This is the first of my one-shots based in and around the 'Regrettably' universe. Shoutout to pomatterpie for coming up with the title (xo) I guess it's not totally necessary to have read the main story, but if you do want to check it out... Anyway, some will be prequel, some AU etc. This one is set in the days following Rachel's birth and is canon with the main story (Shelby is sixteen and has been living with Hiram and Leroy during her pregnancy). I hope you enjoy!
Shelby rolls over in the narrow bed, pressing her cheek deep into the starchy pillow. One leg tangles in the tight sheets and a small grunt escapes her lips from the pain. She bites down, hard, on the inside of her mouth in a feeble attempt to reroute this discomfort, to distract her brain from the endless throbbing between her legs. Once more, she squeezes her thighs together before releasing them when a wave of nausea floods through her at the stabbing feeling. Whenever they're splayed apart, it hurts. Whenever they're pressed together, it hurts. Still, she keeps cycling between the positions, always hoping that the grass will be greener. Unfortunately, she seems to be in some kind of arid desert; the grass is brown and scratchy no matter what she does.
She knows she should take the pain medicine the doctor had offered her last night. She knows that if she were to press the call button situated on the side of her bed, then a nurse would immediately appear and give it to her. They'd been trying to persuade her to take it all morning after all. During every hourly check, they'd reassured her that just a touch of analgesia would make her a lot more comfortable.
But she doesn't want to be comfortable. Or, no. That's not it. She would love to be comfortable. She would love nothing more than to be lying on the couch in Hiram and Leroy's living room, watching mind-numbing television and eating chips from a bowl balanced on her protruding stomach. That's where she's supposed to be right now, where she was supposed to be for the next three and a half weeks. If she was there, doing that, then she would be comfortable.
But she's not.
Instead, she's lying in a hospital bed in the maternity ward, desperately keeping her eyes clamped shut to prevent the stinging tears there from streaming down her face. She's attempting to forget that the throbbing pain is coming from the perineal tear, and subsequent stitches, caused by her baby forcing her way into the world almost a month early.
Shelby wriggles again in the bed. Every inch of the bloated skin on her stomach taunts her with its duplicitous fullness and emptiness as it sags down into the sheets. Last night, when everyone had finally left her alone, she had pulled up her hospital gown and stared down at the wrinkled, pale mass. She hated it. Why was it still there? It was nothing but a horrible inconvenience that she could feel literally weighing her body down. Maybe once Ra-… Once the baby had left that space, someone had put lead there instead. Only, that can't be true, because when she'd pressed a finger into the flesh, it had felt spongier than before. That's how she knows it's empty. She's empty.
She rolls over again and immediately regrets it. The pungent smell of food floods her nostrils and it takes everything in her to keep her eyes shut as she gags. The nurse had brought her lunch in earlier, instructing her to eat as much as could. Shelby had nodded blankly; she was only responding because the woman had happened to catch her in one of the rare moments she dared to open her eyes. Otherwise, she would have kept up her charade of sleep. It had proved very useful so far: she didn't have to speak to Leroy when he came in earlier, she didn't have to accept the phone call from her brother, she didn't have to answer her doctor when he came in to assess her pain levels.
A baby cries somewhere.
It could be her baby- or, rather, the baby she gave birth to-but she really can't be sure. Tears sting her eyes again; some try to make a bid for freedom through her eyelashes. She wishes she could shut her hearing off like she's done with her sight. She's sure that would make things a little bit easier. The maternity ward is full of the sound of crying babies. That should hardly come as a surprise, but it still makes her puffy stomach squirm each time she hears it. Her whole body seems to respond in a way she hadn't expected; her swollen breasts and her heart ache with loneliness.
It hurts. Everything just hurts and, for whatever reason, the pretence of sleep won't give way to the real thing.
The baby is still crying.
Why won't someone just shut that damn baby up? Does it not have parents ready to dote on it and do anything to quell its sadness? Every baby should have that. She hopes, she knows, that the baby she gave birth to has that.
But the crying continues. In fact, it sounds like it's getting louder. It's all Shelby can hear. Well, that and the constant beeping of the stupid monitor above her head. She said she didn't need it; her doctor had disagreed. The beeps seem to fall into sync with the baby's desperate wails. Maybe those cries are from the baby that was living inside of her. Maybe her heartbeat quickening to match them is her only real maternal act. She's not sure what that means. Her eyes flick open and, if she tilts her head back, she can see the juddering line on the monitor shifting up and down. There's something soothing in the way it's gathering momentum.
"Shelbs?"
Instinct sends her gaze darting towards the door. Fuck. This is why she'd been so desperate to keep them shut. She meets Hiram's eyes for a moment, but the soft, sympathetic look pulsing out from them is enough for her to quickly stare blankly at the wall ahead of her. The empty whiteness there is almost as good as the backs of her own eyelids.
"Hi, honey," he continues quietly.
She hears him step further into the room, his shoes clacking against the linoleum floor. It's only now that she realises the baby has stopped crying. Its parents must have finally done their job. If only the one now sitting himself down on the chair next to her bed would do the same.
"I'm glad I caught you while you're awake," he says. The barely concealed skepticism in his tone makes her ball her fists up under the sheets, nails digging into palms. "How are you feeling? Well rested?"
Shelby rolls her eyes and lets out another grunt. This time, it's noncommittal, tainted with annoyance. Hiram sighs and scoots his chair closer to the bed. The metal legs scrape against the floor with a sharp squeak.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" he asks. From the corner of her eye, she can see him peering cautiously up at her. "Are you in pain? Because your doctor told me that you weren't accepting any of the painkillers he was offering you. They might help, Shelbs. I don't want you being in pain."
She resists the urge to roll her eyes again. No matter how much pain she's in now- which, granted, is a lot- it's nothing compared to the agony she felt yesterday. The baby tore its way out her body. That's the only way she can really think to describe it.
And she's felt like that before, like her body had been torn in two. Four and a half years ago, she felt like that. Clearly, she didn't know what she was talking about back then. She knows she shouldn't be correlating the two events. That's wrong and disgusting and-
"And you haven't eaten your lunch," Hiram says, nudging the tray an inch or so towards her. The smell of the cold pasta overwhelms all of her senses. "The nurses told me you didn't eat your breakfast earlier, either. You need to eat, honey."
"No, I-" Her voice cracks from disuse. It's like a thick layer of dust has settled in her dry throat. She swallows hard and brings a hand out from under the covers to rub at her neck. "I'm not hungry. And I'm actually still kind of tired so-"
"Shelbs," Hiram says again. He reaches forward to catch her hand in his own. Shelby flinches, but still doesn't look up from the wall ahead of her. "You need to keep your strength up, honey, and not eating isn't going to help that."
"I gave birth. I'm not an invalid."
"I know that," he says evenly.
Shelby scoffs; of course he knows that. He knows that because he's spent the last twenty hours with the baby she gave birth to.
"But," he continues, "it will help the healing process if you make sure that you're eating and sleeping well. Your doctor expressed some concern about that."
"Why is he even talking to you? Doesn't that go against HIPAA, or something?"
"Not exactly. Leroy and I are still your guardians and so they're allowed to pass your medical information onto us." He squeezes her hand gently as he speaks; she keeps hers lifeless in his grasp.
"Taylor will be here soon and he can sign the transfer papers," Shelby says blankly. "Don't worry, I won't be your problem anymore soon."
From the way Hiram tightens his grip on her fingers, she can tell she's said the wrong thing- said too much, revealed her weakness. This never would have happened if she was still pretending to be asleep.
"Is that what's bothering you, honey?" he asks softly. "Because you know we don't see it like that, Shelbs. You're not, and you never have been, a problem to Leroy and I."
"That's not what I meant," Shelby lies. "I just… Soon Taylor will be here and I can go with him and you guys can focus on the baby."
"We can focus on you and Rachel at the same time."
"But you shouldn't be. I don't… Just focus on her, okay?"
Hiram gives a soft tug on her hand. "Look at me, Shelbs."
She quickly shakes her head. There's something about the softness in his voice which has brought the tears back into her eyes. She remembers reading something in some pregnancy book about how hormonal changes in her body would make her emotions crazy after birth. She'd naively thought that she would be able to control them, though. She has to be able to control them. Nobody has time to be dealing with her right now.
"Shelbs?"
She shakes her head again, stare fixed on the wall. Would it be too much to just shut her eyes and feign sleep again? What would happen if she tried that?
"Shelby, talk to me, honey. Please," he says, reaching his spare hand up to grasp her chin. As he tries to pull her face towards him, she jerks roughly away. The sudden movement causes a ripple of pain to cascade down her body. This does nothing to rid her of the hot tears brewing in her eyes. "What's going on? Please tell me, sweetheart."
"I just…" Shelby swallows the lump in her throat. "I just want to sleep."
Hiram sighs again. "Okay, sweetheart. I'll let you get some sleep, but I'll come back in a couple of hours to check on you."
"You don't-"
"I want to," he says, leaving no room for argument. He stands from the chair and hovers over her for a moment. "Please make sure you do get some rest, and I'll ask them to bring you some fresh food for when you wake up, okay?"
Absolutely not okay.
"And a nurse wants to stop by later to show you how to use the breast pump, if you still want to do that? There's no pressure if you've changed your mind though, honey. You just let us know."
He pauses, waiting for a response that she can't bring herself to give. There's nothing she would rather do less than be taught how to pump milk for the baby, but she'd promised them she would do that. She'd done enough research to know that that's what's best for the baby, especially now she's come early and is so tiny.
She was so tiny. Shelby had been sure that she was going to break her when the nurses pressed her into her arms. She'd passed her off to Leroy the second she could. He'd shown no signs of fear when holding her- it was just further proof to Shelby that she's doing the right thing. He had immediately taken to being and parent and she… Well, she'd had to go and get her stitches anyway.
"I want you to know that you can talk to me, Shelbs. Us. Leroy and I are both here and… well, we're worried about you, honey."
"Don-"
"I know you don't want us to worry about you, but we will. Always." He rests a hand on her shoulder and gives it an affectionate squeeze. "We love you so much, Shelbs. And I know this is a rough time for you. I'm sorry that it came sooner than we were all expecting and that it wasn't as simple as it could have been. But we're here, we're all here and we made it through. You're doing such a good job, honey. Just keep focussing on getting your strength back, okay?" She doesn't respond as he leans down to kiss the top of her head. "I love you, sweetheart. Sleep well."
Shelby stays in her stiff, half-upright position until she hears the door close with a gentle click behind him. Then, finally, she allows herself to flop down into the depths of the bed, silent tears streaming down her cheeks.
He's lying to her because he feels sorry for her and that hurts just as much as the physical pain. She's not doing a good job; they wouldn't all be so worried about her if she was doing a good job. She's not doing anything. There isn't, can't be, any good in that.
Still, when the room is once again cloaked in a silence that's only permeated by steady, electronic beeps, Shelby finds her mouth opening.
"I love you too."
000
The early afternoon sunlight is abrasively bright. It pierces right through the net curtains and Shelby's tightly shut eyes. The darkness she craves is marred by the warm tone it injects into her blank field of vision.
She didn't sleep last night. For all her trying, it wouldn't come and she'd spent most of the night with her hands clamped over her ears to block out the sounds of babies crying. She could still hear it, though. Maybe it was all just in her head. It seems somewhat fitting that she's able to add the label of crazy to herself on top of everything else.
Leroy had come in part way through the night. She'd taken her hands away then, deciding that her insanity was something she could do with keeping to herself for now. She lay there, as silently as she could, as he lowered himself into the chair next to her and took to stroking her head. Eventually, his movements stilled and she heard his breaths evening out. A surreptitious glance over confirmed that he had fallen asleep. After that, she just lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling until the morning sun flooded into the room.
Then it was all bustling nurses bringing trays of breakfast, Hiram and Leroy both trying to make her speak -she didn't-, and more fake sleep. She's still working on the latter, but it's significantly more challenging now she can hear the conversation going on right outside her door.
"Any luck earlier?" she hears Hiram ask.
"Not really," Leroy replies. There's a pause and Shelby can only imagine the kind of looks they're exchanging. "I don't know what's wrong with her. I can't work it out… I mean, you should have seen the look on her face earlier when I suggested we bring Rachel by."
"I know," Hiram confirms. "She did the same to me last night. It got worse when I suggested that she could call Sean, just to let him know. I wasn't exactly expecting a great reaction to that, but I thought she might at least say something… Shout something. I can deal with the shouting, I just… I don't know how to deal with whatever this is."
Shelby's teeth dig into her lip. She'd genuinely thought she was doing a better job at hiding her emotions than this. She isn't trying to be difficult; she's really just trying to make the transition easier for everyone. Now the baby is here, Shelby's job is done. Hiram and Leroy will take her home and Shelby will move in with her brother. The baby will have her parents and Shelby will have… Well, she'll have her brother. And that's fine. That's the plan. That's always been the plan.
"I just can't understand it," he continues. "She's been so excited and now… Did we do something? Did something happen?"
"Not that I'm aware of," Leroy says. "I feel terrible. I wish that she would just talk to us. I don't know what we're supposed to do if she won't."
Another long silence follows. Swarms of guilt flood through Shelby's body, eventually coming to rest in the pit of her engorged stomach. She clenches her hand into a fist and smacks hard against it to dispel the feeling. The excess flesh ripples from the force of the blow. So she does it again. And again. And again. She does it until her whole body is aching and the space between her legs is throbbing uncontrollably. She's just glad that the curtains around the window to the corridor are still pulled tightly together from her stitches check earlier; Hiram and Leroy surely wouldn't react well to this.
But she can't stop. It's like her fist now has a mind of its own as it pounds repeatedly against her own body. Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe it's just trying to enact the wish in Shelby's head which is screaming that she wants out. She doesn't want to be in this body anymore- this body which is doing nothing for her except reminding her what she's lost. It doesn't even feel like her own. It should, she supposes. In a way, she's got it back- she's not sharing it now. But that's exactly what hurts so much.
Two days ago, she was sharing it. It was her body, but it was also her baby's. Her little star was happily swimming around inside of her and she loved that. She loved it because, for the first time in a long time, it meant that she was loved. She did everything she could to protect and nurture the tiny baby inside of her and, with that, she was able to earn Hiram and Leroy's love and approval.
But what now? What does she have now? She just has disgusting excess flesh and stitches which are trying to hold her together and tears stinging her eyes and a heart which won't stop aching for her baby. And, apparently, she also has the responsibility of ruining what should be the best days of Hiram and Leroy's life. They have their baby now. Her baby. No- their baby. So they should be happy. They would be happy if only she wasn't there ruining everything. She's doing it again- she's destroying yet another family. This time, it's just as it's starting out.
She wants to tell them they should just go. They should take the baby home and go and never even think about her again. But she can't do that. The selfish part of her which she wishes would just disappear won't let her do that. Because if they did go, she would be destroyed. Now she's had a little taste of what being loved is like, she's not sure she can ever go without it again. And that's terrifying, because she seems to be doing everything in her power to make sure that that's exactly how she'll end up.
Alone. Trapped in this stupid body that won't let her forget and all alone. The only other thing around her is the rapid beeping coming from somewhere above her head.
She doesn't want to be alone- she can't be alone- but then why? Why is she acting like this? Why is she-
"Shelbs?"
Two sets of hurried footsteps echo into the room.
"Shelby? What's happening, sweetheart?"
She's not sure what's happening. All she can focus on is the repetitive motion of her fist against her stomach and the wetness coming from her eyes and running down her legs.
"Shit- she's torn her stitches. Call a nurse."
"On it."
"Shelbs? Shelby?"
She feels a strong hand wrap around her wrist, pulling it away from its mission to pound her stomach back into shape. And then there's another hand on her face, wiping the wetness away with gentle fingers.
"Shelbs? Can you open your eyes for me, sweetheart? Please, honey, just look at me. It's all going to be okay- you just need to look at me."
But she can't. All she can manage to do is listen to the frantic beeping.
"Shelby? Hiram, go get a nurse. Now."
000
The white wall has a small black mark near the left side corner. Shelby's been squinting at it for the last few minutes, trying to work out what it is. She's not sure at all. Why on earth would there be a black mark on an otherwise spotless wall? It doesn't make any sense.
"Shelby?"
It takes her a few seconds to blink herself back into the moment. When she does, her eyes travel slowly to the woman sitting on the chair near her bed. She's maybe in her mid-thirties, with cropped blonde hair and pink lipstick that's too bright for her pale complexion.
"What are you thinking about?" the woman asks. Her own, beady eyes move to the spot Shelby was staring at, but her puzzled expression suggests that she can't see the mark like the girl can. Or, at least, it doesn't seem as interesting to her.
"Who are you again?" Shelby asks in return.
The woman gives her a patient, understanding smile. It's nauseating. "My name is Laura. I'm one of the clinical psychologists here."
Shelby narrows her eyes. "Why are you here?"
"There was some concern expressed about your wellbeing," Laura says, her smile never faltering. "I'm just here to see what we can do to help you."
"Concern?"
"I spoke to your nurses and to your guardians-"
"Hiram and Leroy."
"Yes, I spoke with Hiram and Leroy, and they thought it might be useful for me to check in with you."
"They think I need a shrink?" Shelby asks.
"I'm not a psychiatrist, if that's what you mean by that," Laura replies. The same demeanour of the smile is conveyed in her soft tone. "I'm a cli-"
"A clinical psychologist, I got it," Shelby interrupts. "It's basically the same thing. They just send you when they think it's bad, but not bad enough for a real doctor to deal with."
"You sound like you've been in this situation before?"
"Did you not read my medical records?' Shelby asks, one eyebrow raised. "Or have people finally decided to embrace the concept of patient confidentiality?"
Laura presses her lips together. The vivid pink disappears for just a moment. "I did read some sections which might be relevant to our discussion."
"Oh good," Shelby says dryly. "I was worried that people might actually be starting to learn some respect."
"This isn't meant to disrespect you, Shelby. We all just want to make sure that you're okay, that we're helping you to take steps in the right direction."
"I don't need any help."
"Is that what you really think?" Laura asks. Annoyingly, her voice still isn't unkind and that makes it harder for Shelby to just shoot off another sarcastic response.
"I don't know," she mutters. "Clearly it's not what everyone else thinks. They all think I'm crazy, don't they?"
"Why do you say that?"
Shelby stares at her incredulously. "Non-crazy people don't usually get clinical psychologists sent round to check up on them."
Laura meets her gaze, watching her carefully for a moment. "Is that something which worries you? People thinking there might be something wrong?"
"They shouldn't be focussing on me," Shelby says. When she can't take anymore of that penetrating stare, her eyes flick down to the patterned fabric of her hospital gown. "They should be thinking about Ra-… About the baby."
"You can't say her name."
Shelby scoffs. "Great observation. How many years of school did you have to go through to be able to catch that one?"
"A fair few," Laura says. She writes something down in her notebook and Shelby sinks further into the bed. She doesn't want to give anyone more ammunition to prove her mental instability. "Hiram and Leroy told me that you haven't seen her since the birth. Why is that?"
Shelby shrugs. "I'm on bedrest. There was a bad tear- I had to get stitches."
"But they could have brought her in here to see you. She's been out of the NICU for a day now."
Shelby's eyes shoot back up. "She was in the NICU?"
The beeps on the monitor increase in pace as Laura's perfect façade finally falters a little.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I assumed you knew that. But yes, she was in the NICU for her first night."
"B-but she's okay now?"
"She's just fine," Laura assures her. "She was kept in for observation because the doctors wanted to check that her lungs were properly developed. It's precautionary for premies."
"Oh." Shelby swallows, forcing the guilt she can feel raging in her stomach not to show on her face. "That's good."
"It is yes," Laura agrees. "Hiram and Leroy told me that they'd offered to bring her up to you. They mentioned that you had all discussed the possibility of breastfeeding her for the first few weeks. Is that something you're still intending on doing?"
Shelby shrugs again. "I don't know," she says honestly. "I don't know what's going to happen."
"Can you explain that to me, because I was under the impression that there was a plan in place for after the birth?"
After the birth.
It was always something which seemed so… distant. Unreal. And now it's here. It's here and her body is unrelenting in the reminder of that fact. But it wasn't supposed to feel like this. She was supposed to scoop her baby up in her arms and love her just as much as Hiram and Leroy clearly do. She wasn't meant to falter at the first step and cause her child to have to be in the NICU. The cavernous emptiness she feels wasn't a part of the plan at all.
Shelby's hand slips back under the covers, finding her stomach and pinching hard.
"Shelby?" Laura prompts.
"Everything's different now," Shelby says quietly.
"How so?"
Her fingers twist around a lump of flesh. She attributes the tears brimming in her eyes to the pain this causes. "They're a family now."
"And you don't consider yourself a part of that family?"
"I don't kno-" Shelby cuts herself off before she can finish, shaking her head. "I'm not, am I? They're out there getting on with things and I'm stuck in here and… It's fine. They're fine. They don't need me. They're the family."
"If they didn't consider you a part of their family, why do you think they would send me to talk to you?"
"I don't know," Shelby says again. "They probably feel bad."
"'Bad'?"
"Bad? Guilty? I don't know…"
"I get the impression that you all care for each other a great deal," Laura says. "Like I said, they're worried about you."
"But they shouldn't be!" Shelby snaps. She pinches hard on her stomach again- something about the pain is comforting. She knows it shouldn't be, but she can't help herself. This is exactly why you're having to talk a shrink right now. "I just… I really just need them to focus on the baby. I can… I can look after myself."
"You're sixteen, Shelby," Laura points out. "You shouldn't have to worry about looking after yourself."
Oh how Shelby wishes that was true. But she can't say that, so she just shrugs again. "It's fine. My brother's coming up from Columbus, I'm going to move in with him."
"And you're okay with that arrangement?" Laura asks.
"I don't really have a choice, do I?" Shelby says bitterly. Again, she catches herself. "I mean, I don't mind. My brother… Taylor… he's great. He's a doctor. We'll be fine."
"I'm sure you will be." Laura nods sympathetically. "Can I ask about your parents?"
Shelby stiffens, her hand clamping hard around her stomach. "What about them? I don't see them or speak to them."
"And does that bother you?"
"I…" Shelby bites down hard on her lip. Yes. She knows it does- of course it does. Maybe if she had parents who cared, then she wouldn't be speaking to a shrink. Maybe she wouldn't have had to cling on to two strangers for support. Maybe she wouldn't be so paralysed by the fear of being alone that she's trying to beat everyone to the punch. She flicks her gaze up to meet Laura's eyes. The look she receives in return tells her that she didn't need to say anything out loud; she's been heard loud and clear.
"I'm very sorry you've had to go through that," Laura says emphatically.
"It's fine," Shelby says, forcing an unbelieved nonchalance into her tone. "I guess some people just weren't meant to be parents." The moment the words are out of her mouth, she regrets them. Their veracity rings true with a pain that stings her deep down in her core. "I mean… I… I just know I want better for Rachel."
"You said her name."
"What?"
"You said that you want better for Rachel."
"Oh," Shelby says, a frown creeping up on her face. "Yeah, I guess I did."
000
"She looks like you."
"What?"
"Rachel. The baby. She looks like you."
Shelby looks up from where she's stuffing an old sweatshirt into her duffel bag. She's not quite sure how she's managed it from her resident position in bed, but somehow, all of her belongings are strewn all across the room. Taylor is supposed to be arriving today and, as long as her blood work comes back with no sign of infection, she'll be able to leave later. She doesn't want to delay that anymore than necessary and so, for once in her life, she's trying to get ahead of schedule with her packing.
An incredulous smirk appears on her face as she looks up at the blonde sitting up against the reclining top of her bed. "She's three days old, Cass. She probably looks like every other newborn."
Cassie grins slyly and waves a lazy hand in the air. "Yeah, she does. To be honest, they could have shown me any baby and I would have believed it was yours."
"Good to know," Shelby says. She directs her attention to trying to make sure the sweatshirt compresses enough so that she'll still be able to get the zip done up.
"Don't do that."
"Don't do what?" Maybe if she rearranges her sweatpants, it'll all fit.
"Deflect," Cassie says pointedly. As Shelby meets her gaze, she raises her eyebrows. "And don't even try to deny it, because I'm not buying any of your bullshit excuses."
Shelby does her best not to look like she's just been completely caught out. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Give me a break!" Cassie retorts, swinging herself round so that her feet meet the floor and fixing her friend with an intense glare. "You know exactly what you're doing and maybe everyone else is going to just accept it, but I'm not."
Shelby frowns at her, dropping the sweatshirt back onto the bed and folding her arms across her chest. "I'm not doing anything."
"Yeah," Cassie says smartly. "That's exactly right. You're just sitting here and shutting everyone out who's trying to help you."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't I?" she questions. "Because I seem to remember you doing something pretty fucking similar when your eating got all messed up. Or how about the time when you wouldn't tell anyone what was going on with you because a part of you knew that you were pregnant and you just didn't want to acknowledge that?"
Shelby's fingernails dig into her arms which are, of course, resting uncomfortably on her stomach. She takes a ragged breath, trying to calm her mounting anger. She really has no right to be angry, Cassie's only telling the truth, after all.
"Didn't your mother ever tell that you that if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all?"
Cassie scoffs. "Did yours?" She claps a hand to her forehead in mock-realisation. "Oh no- that's right! I forgot that in the Corcoran household you just have to shove every emotion that isn't 'nice' down until it all just comes spilling out in the form of a mental breakdown."
Shelby recoils. It's too raw. It's too real. She had felt completely exposed earlier with her legs hoisted up in the stirrups as her doctor checked over her stitches. That's nothing compared to this.
"Fuck off," she eventually mutters.
She returns her attention to the sweatshirt, scrunching the fabric into a tight ball with far more force than is necessary.
"No."
Shelby sighs tiredly and glares back up at Cassie. "What?"
"I said, 'No,'" Cassie says, placing one hand defiantly on her hip. "You can push me away as much as you like, Shelbs, but I'm not going anywhere. Because we both know that you can't go on like this."
"Like what?"
"Like this!" Cassie shouts, using her free hand to gesture wildly towards her friend. "You look like crap. You're not eating, you're not sleeping, you're not talking. To anyone."
"I had a baby, Cass!" Shelby thunders back, throwing the sweatshirt down onto the bed. "Sorry if I'm not exactly the walking picture of health and beauty right now!"
"Yeah," Cassie nods. "You had a baby. You have a baby- a baby that you're basically refusing to acknowledge."
"She's not mine! She's Hiram's and Leroy's."
Cassie narrows her eyes. "What are you talking about, Shelbs? Because all I've heard over the past few months is how happy you are that you're still going to get to be in Rachel's life and that she's still going to be in yours. And now-"
"Now everything is different!" Shelby snaps. She rakes a splayed palm across her stomach, nails grinding through the thin fabric of her hospital gown. "I… She's not mine, okay? They're a family now and that's fine. That's good and I'm happy for them."
"Yeah," Cassie scoffs. "You look just thrilled."
Under her watchful eye, Shelby attempts to rearrange her distraught features into a more passable expression. She pries her hand away from her abdomen and uses it to tuck some unruly hair behind her ears. It's damp from the shower she took earlier and the sweat gathering on her brow.
"I think you should go," she says lowly.
Cassie shakes her head. "Yeah, absolutely not."
"Just go, Cass. Please."
"Why?"
"I don't want you here."
"Why?"
"Just. Go."
"Are you scared if I stay that you might actually have to come out with it and tell me what the hell is going on with you?"
Yes.
"No." Shelby sniffs hard and turns back to her bag. "I just have stuff to do before Taylor gets here."
"What- you got a busy schedule? 'Shutting out friends and family at 3pm'? Is that it, Shelbs?"
Shelby shuts her eyes, heaving in deep breaths. "I'm going to ask you once more to just get out."
"And what about if I say no?" Cassie probes, face ablaze with defiance as she stalks towards her. "What are you going to do then? Huh?"
"I don't think you want to know."
Cassie lets out a cold laugh. "What? Are you going to hit me? Are you going to hit me, Shelby? What are you going to do? Because it doesn't look like you could do much damage right no-"
She stops speaking when Shelby's hairbrush smacks her in the face. For a moment, there's silence save for the clattering of plastic on linoleum and two sets of heavy breathing.
Cassie readjusts some of her blonde hair which had been caught in the missile's bristles. Then she turns to Shelby with a smirk. "Okay, guess you could do more damage than I thought, Corcoran."
Shelby scowls at her. "What?"
"Feel better?" Cassie asks lightly. "You can throw it again if you want."
When Shelby continues to simply look on in confusion, Cassie closes the gap between them and pulls her into a tight hug. She can feel her stomach pressing uncomfortably against her friend's body, but just for a second, it doesn't seem to matter so much.
Cassie eventually draws back and smiles sadly at her. "Look, babe, I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now. I know that and I get it. Truly. But you can't do this. You can't just shut down and lock us all out because you're scared. There are too many people who care about you."
"That's…"
"That's what? Not true? Because it is, Shelbs," Cassie implores. "It's so true. And this time, we're not just going to give up and leave you alone."
"But they-"
"But nothing," she says firmly. "No one is leaving you, I promise."
Shelby casts her eyes downwards. "They're not?"
"Never," Cassie says. "When have Hiram and Leroy ever let you down, huh? When have I ever let you down?"
"I guess you haven't," Shelby admits.
"You 'guess'?" Cassie scoffs. "Babe, I know I haven't. And I never will. Not intentionally, at least. We're in this together- always. You and me against the world, yeah?"
"Yeah," Shelby sniffs.
Cassie rolls her eyes and reaches up to wipe at the tears now emerging from Shelby's eyes. "For fuck's sake, Corcoran. Don't get soft on me now."
"I can't help it," Shelby whines, batting her hands away. "It's these fucking hormones."
"Yeah?" Cassie grins. "You know why that is?"
"Why?"
"Because you just had a baby, Shelbs! A real-life actual, fucking baby. And yeah, she does kind of look like a cross between David Schwimmer and a wrinkled potato right now, but she's pretty cute."
"Is she?"
"'Course she is. She's yours."
"I had a baby," Shelby breathes out, a small smile finally tracing her lips. "I have a baby."
As the words leave her, she feels some of the weight rolling off her shoulders. Or perhaps more accurately, a weight seems to drop out from the pit of her stomach. She's a mother. She has a baby. She's not sure how well she's going to take to the role, but she has to try.
"You do," Cassie nods. "And once you get the all-clear from the doctor, you can stop moping around and go see her."
"You can," a voice calls from the doorway.
Both teenagers spin around to see Hiram leaning up against the door to the hospital room. Shelby hadn't even heard it open and she feels her grin falter a little on her face as she looks up at him. He's smiling, but it's not quite reaching his eyes.
"Can I borrow Shelby for a second?" he asks Cassie.
"She's all yours," the girl replies. She squeezes her friend's hand and then turns to leave the room, stopping right in front of the older man. "I got her nice and warmed up for you. Ripe for the emotional picking."
Hiram chuckles. "Thanks, Cassandra."
"Anytime, Mr. B." She turns and points a finger directly at Shelby. "Be good- I love you."
"Love you too," Shelby mutters towards Cassie's retreating form.
As soon as she's gone, Shelby lowers herself down onto the bed, staring down at her bare legs. Hiram seems different from the other times he's come in to see her; he's more… sombre? Maybe it's all too late. Maybe she's really pushed them too far.
"Hi, sweetheart," he says as he walks towards her. He cups her cheek gently before pulling the chair across to face her and sitting down. "How are you doing?"
Automatically, Shelby shrugs. Then she remembers that she's going to start trying now- at everything. She sniffs again and lifts her head up to meet Hiram's dark eyes.
"I'm okay," she says quietly.
"That's good," Hiram replies through that same, strained smile. Shelby can't work out exactly why it's there.
"A-are you okay?" she asks after a moment, nerves beginning to settle in her stomach once more. "Is everything okay with th- with Rachel?"
A genuine smile cracks through when he hears her finally say her baby's name. "Rachel's fine," he says. "She's great actually. She just had a bottle of the milk you pumped yesterday and now she's napping."
Shelby gets a little burst of warmth at that; she has done something. Her baby is drinking her milk. That's got to count for something, right? Maybe everything is going to be okay, after all. Maybe-
"There's a couple of things I need to talk to you about, Shelbs," Hiram says seriously. Her blood runs cold, flushing that little reprieve right out of her veins.
"O-okay?"
Hiram sighs, leaning forwards to take one of her hands in his. "I need you to be very honest with me, okay? Nobody's going to get mad at you."
Immediately, she starts to wrack her brain for some kind of transgression. She knows she hasn't been very forthcoming or amiable over the past couple of days, but she's not sure exactly what kind of trouble she's in from that. But there must be something that she's done wrong. There's always something.
"Are you still okay with all of this, Shelby?" he asks, dark eyes searching her carefully. "With the arrangement?"
Shelby frowns. "What do you mean?"
"Are you sure you still want to go through with the adoption?"
She's sure if she was still hooked up to that stupid heart monitor, it would have stopped dead for a second. Then, she's certain it would have gone into overdrive.
"W-what?" She jerks her hand away from Hiram's, drawing back in on herself. "No… I mean, yes. Yes, I'm still sure. Is this- Is this about me? Because I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Hiram. I know I've been shit for… since the birth. B-but please don't do this to Rachel."
"Shelby, no," he says quickly. He reaches out for her hand again but it's already made contact with her opposite arm, nails bared. "No, that's not what I meant at all, sweetheart."
"You said you would take her," Shelby says. There are tears stinging her eyes again and, as she tries to blink them away, a couple roll down her cheeks. "You promised. I… I'll stay away if I have to but… please."
"We're not asking you to stay away, honey," he assures her. "We were just worried that you might be having second thoughts. You've been so sad for the past few days, Shelbs, and-
"I-I'm sorry," she splutters desperately. This is all her fault. "I'm really, really sorry. But I swear I won't do anything bad. Just… please, you have to take her. You said you wanted her.
"We do want her, Shelbs. We want her very much, but we don't want to force you into doing something you don't want to do." He levels her with a serious expression that does nothing to quell her panic. "So, are you sure?"
"I…"
Her mouth has gone so dry and her heart is beating so fast that she can't be sure of anything. Anything except this. Because she has to be. She has to convince Hiram that taking Rachel is the right thing to do; she's got to make sure that, no matter what happens to her, her baby will be okay.
"Yes. I'm sure. I'm completely sure." His face doesn't change as he nods slowly. "Please. Please don't leave her on her own. She's- she's only a baby- she's my baby and I don't want her to be all alone. Please just take her and…" And then what? What happens then? "I'll be okay on my own but she's just a baby."
Hiram frowns in concern. "What do you mean, sweetheart? You're not going to be on your own."
"No." Shelby shakes her head quickly; she's got to keep it together. "No, I know that. I know that Taylor's coming and we'll be okay, but-"
"You're not just going to have Taylor," Hiram says firmly. "You've still got me and Leroy too."
"But… but you'll have Rachel and I already gave birth to her… and… I…"
As she trails off, biting down on her lip and digging her nails deeper into the skin of her arms, Hiram stands from the chair and moves to sit next to her. He shushes her softly and pulls both of her hands into his, squeezing tightly.
"That doesn't change things, Shelbs. I promise you," he says. "Is that what you've been worried about? You think that you're not going to have me and Leroy anymore?" When Shelby just shrugs, he sends her a sad smile. "That's not true at all, sweetheart. We still want you to be a part of Rachel's life. You're her mom and nothing is going to change that. You're a part of this family."
Shelby lifts a hand to wipe her eyes, temporarily blocking out the concerned gaze boring into her. Family. That's exactly what she's worried about. She's never done well in families.
"But I…" Her breath hitches in her chest. "I don't think I'm ready. I wasn't ready- she was so tiny and… I didn't know what to do and I know that I'm just going to screw things up and…"
There are thick streams of tears running down her cheeks now; they're making it impossible for her to get her words out. Instead, she just sniffles pathetically, looking up at the older man.
"Okay, honey, it's alright. Take a deep breath for me," Hiram soothes, letting go of one hand so that he can wipe at her wet face. Shelby tries to comply, but her breath keeps getting caught somewhere deep in her chest. As her body begins to shudder under the weight of it all, Hiram wraps an arm around her and tries to pull her back against him on the reclining top of the bed. "Come here."
Shelby stiffens, shaking her head. "No. I'm all fat and I'll hurt you."
He sends her a small smile. "No you won't- come here. There we go." Adjusting their bodies so that she's curled up into his chest, he begins to run his fingers through her damp hair. Eventually her breaths begin to even out. "Better?"
"I'm sorry," she whispers. She feels ridiculous; she knows she's been acting like a stupid little kid for the past for days. Even so, her arms begin to subconsciously snake around his torso, pulling herself in closer to him.
"Don't be silly, Shelbs," he says gently. "You don't have anything to be sorry for."
One of his hands is now running up and down her back. When it gets close to her stomach, she flinches involuntarily. She tries to play it off as a natural movement, but she can practically hear the thoughts whirring round in Hiram's head.
"Is that why you haven't been eating? Because you feel fat?"
She shrugs, eyes trailing down to her stomach. "I just… I don't want to be like this anymore. She's gone and I- I already miss her so much."
"She's not gone," Hiram says. "She's right downstairs. I can text Leroy right now and have him bring her up to you."
She looks back up at him hopefully. "Really?"
"Really," he confirms before raising his eyebrows. "On one condition."
"What?"
"You need to stop with the not talking to us," he says and Shelby shrinks back a little. "We're all going to have to come together to make this work, okay? And I know you're scared, sweetheart. I get it. But we're going to need you to communicate properly with us."
Her cheeks flush as she thinks back over the last few days. She's being given the opportunity of a lifetime, she knows that. She feels it every time she looks into Hiram's kind, dark eyes- ones that maybe, given her behaviour, should be filled with exasperation. She's got to get it together.
"Okay," she sniffs, nodding. "I'm sorry."
Hiram resumes his stroking of her hair, leaning down to place a kiss into it. "It's alright, sweetheart, I promise."
She feels him take a deep breath, and braces herself for whatever is going to follow. Whatever it is, she knows she'll deserve it.
"You also need to make sure that you eat, Shelbs."
Her heart sinks. A part of her wants to immediately jump up, run away, lock herself in a toilet and throw up the half of the sandwich she ate earlier; she'd managed to pawn some of it off onto Cassie. But a bigger- perhaps better- part of her is held steady by the man's soothing grip on her.
"I know you don't like your body right now," he continues, "but its just done such an amazing thing. You brought our baby into the world and now, if you want to keep feeding her and making sure she's okay, you're going to need to keep taking care of yourself for two. So you have to eat."
She's silently mulling over his words when he takes a hold of her chin and forces her eyes to meet his. They're still kind, of course, but there's also a sternness there now. She realises he's deeply serious about this and sends him a firm nod. Then, she gives him a small grin.
"That's actually two conditions."
"Alright, my little smartass," he chuckles. "Will you promise me that you'll do those two things- you'll talk to us and you'll take care of yourself?"
"I promise," she says sincerely. She leans back into the warmth of his body, thinking about what that really means. "It's just… Never mind."
"Hey- you just promised to talk to me," Hiram says, tapping her nose. "What is it, honey?"
She bites down on her lip; she knows it's a nonissue, really. But she did just say she would try to communicate more. "I don't like it when they bring the food right up to my bed," she whispers, turning away slightly. "That's… that's what he did."
Hiram stiffens momentarily underneath her, letting out a long breath. "Shelbs, I'm so sorry, I didn't even think about that." She cringes at the emotion, the pity, lacing his tone.
"It's okay," she protests quickly. "You shouldn't have to… think about it. So it's fine. It's okay."
"It's not," he sighs. "You shouldn't have to be thinking about that either. But hey- I spoke to your doctor and we can leave as soon as the discharge papers go through."
"Really?" she asks, excited for a moment at the prospect of finally getting out of here. Then, as always, comes the hitch in the plan. "But… Taylor's not here yet. I… Where am I going to go?"
"I spoke to him a few minutes ago. He wasn't due to finish up in Columbus until the middle of next month so-"
"So what's going to happen to me?" Shelby interrupts, nerves already swishing in her stomach.
"Let me finish," Hiram says. "I told him that you would be very welcome to come back home with us."
Shelby frowns up at him. "Are- Are you sure?" That's not part of the plan. They're in the 'after the birth' phase of everything and her being at the Berry house is not what's supposed to happen. "What about Rachel?"
"I'm sure Rachel won't mind taking the couch for a while."
"Hiram," she whines. That particular whine had been a familiar feature all throughout her pregnancy and the older man smiles down at her.
"It'll be okay- you can do as much or as little as you like with her," he explains. "And it'll probably be useful for you pumping your milk and the doctor's follow-up too."
"And you're sure you don't mind?"
"Shelbs," he starts, squeezing her tightly, "there is nothing I want more in the world right now than to take my two girls home and make sure you're both safe and happy, okay?"
She returns the hug as a large smile plays across her lips. "Okay."
In their close proximity, Shelby feels Hiram's phone vibrate in his jeans pocket. She leans away from him for a moment as he pulls it out and looks down at the screen.
"Leroy's going to bring Rachel up now," he tells her. "They were just at the café across the street with his parents."
Shelby nods, but presses her lips together as her stomach squirms again. Yes, there's a definite flutter which she can put down to the anticipation of finally seeing her baby again. But that's more covered by the warm feeling in her heart. What's making her uncomfortable is something else entirely.
"Hiram?"
"Yes, honey?"
"Do you… Do you ever feel sad that your parents aren't here to see all of this?"
A silence follows while he shifts a little underneath her. Shelby's about to tell him to forget it, that she shouldn't have asked something so personal, when he takes a steadying breath and begins to speak.
"I don't know. Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. I just have to remind myself that it's not my fault that they're not here. They made the choice not to be involved. That's on them, not me."
She nods into his chest; she can understand that.
"Are you feeling sad about that?" he asks after a moment.
"I don't know. Kind of?" She shrugs. "I just don't want Rachel to ever feel like… Like she might be all alone in the world, you know?"
Hiram sighs and drops another kiss into her hair. "She won't, Shelby. Never. Because she's got three parents who love her so much, right?"
"Right."
"And she's got Leroy's family, and Taylor, and I'm pretty sure Miss Cassandra almost shed a tear when she saw her earlier."
Shelby smirks. "Cassie cried? Really?"
"Or maybe it was just dusty out in that corridor," he laughs. "But Rachel definitely has so many people who love her."
"I love her so much," Shelby agrees quickly. "I know that… Well, I know I probably haven't shown that, but I was just-"
"I know, sweetheart," he reassures her. "I know. We all love her a lot and we're all here to make sure that she knows that. In fact, I think she very well might be the most loved little girl in the world. What do you think?"
"Yeah," Shelby breathes out, smiling widely. "The most loved little girl in the world."
The easy silence which follows is broken a few minutes later by a soft knock on the door. For a second, Shelby feels herself freeze at the prospect of what's to come. Her baby is on the other side of that door. She's right there.
"Are you okay?" Hiram asks her, sitting them both upright. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah," she says, gathering herself with a deep breath. "I'm ready."
And then Rachel is suddenly right in front of her.
She's still so tiny, but she's there and she's real and she's just so, so perfect. Once again, Shelby feels her breath catch in her throat, but this time, it's in wonder, in awe, in amazement, that she has managed to bring something quite this perfect into the world. Her baby is wearing a fluffy white onesie, adorned, of course, with a gold star pattern, propped up in her car seat. Big brown eyes seem to gaze curiously around at her new surroundings until they land on Shelby's smiling face.
Leroy places the carrier on the bed next to Shelby and leans down to press a kiss into the girl's hair. She gives him a brief smile, but quickly returns her fascinated gaze back to the tiny baby. Her baby, her daughter. And she's looking back at her mother with equally rapt attention.
"Can I?" Shelby asks, eyes darting up to the two men who both nod their approval. Hiram has wrapped his arm around Leroy's waist and they both watch on with broad smiles.
Carefully, Shelby undoes the clasps keeping her daughter secure in the seat and gently pulls the baby into her arms. Rachel gurgles a little at the movement, but her wide eyes never show any sign of distress. Shelby stares down at her through the fog of tears now clouding her eyes. She's so perfect. Every inch of her face is the most beautiful thing she's ever seen and she knows for a fact that she will spend the rest of her life trying to love and protect her in any way she can.
"I think she knows you, Shelbs," Leroy says softly. "She screamed the roof down when my mom tried to hold her earlier."
Shelby's not sure whether she believes him but, for now, she'll take it. She grins down at her daughter, gently tracing her fingers over the baby's tiny features.
"Hi, Star," she whispers. "I missed you so much. Have you been being good for Dad and Daddy? I bet you've already got them wrapped around your little finger, haven't you, baby?" She glances up at the two men somewhat self-consciously before continuing. "I'm sorry I wasn't around for a little bit, Star. But I promise you, I'm here now and I'm always going to be here. I love you so much, my sweet girl." Rachel's mouth opens wide in a yawn and Shelby smiles as she leans down to press a kiss on her forehead. "Are you tired, babe? You try to get some sleep and I promise I'll be right here when you wake up."
A/N- Hope you enjoyed! I have several ideas for these so far, but I'm definitely open to prompts/suggestions so feel free to send those my way!
Would love to know what you thought xo