it's 1:30 in the morning... i can't find a job... but i wanted to write a fluff fic 'read not as angst as usual' oneshot where Wei Wuxian didn't come back because if you think about Lan Wangji was really planning to die sad and alone and Wei Wuxian would never want him to spend his whole life miserable and idea just gave me feels.
Lan Wangji expected to spend a lifetime in mourning. A long horrid life alone in his home waiting to die so he could see Wei Ying again and maybe this time actually say those words and hear a response that wasn't tainted in blood. What Lan Wangji expected for himself was to be lonely and to live with hole eating away in his chest till death finally graced him. What he expected was for the ice that coated his heart to forever remain with only his family able to touch him.
But then Mo Xuanyu happened and now Lan Wangji was confused. He was confused and scared because as the saying went a Lan loved but once yet here was a man that was drawing him out from behind the walls he'd built up. Someone who was warm and bright and it hurt. It hurt in every sense.
Because he is not Wei Ying.
There meeting the first time had been at Mo manor after he'd seen the signal flare from his son. His hair was wild and the makeup coating on his face gave him a ghastly look. Then Mo Xuanyu had look to him and his eyes went wide and his mouth fell open in awe, "You might be the most beautiful man that's ever lived! Hanguang-Jun was it? Thank you for saving us- oh, wine! Let me offer a meal and wine for your efforts and board of course. Please come in you and your wonderful juniors! I insist."
He'd seen the man using demonic cultivation and the red in eyes that were naturally gray as well. Though these were nowhere as bright or as lovely as Wei Ying's. "I don't drink."
"Ahh, but I know we have wonderful wine in the manor. It's imported from Gusu as well- the name was… it was Emperor's Smile!" That smile and words were well-meaning but everything about it stung and made him sick inside with the memory."
"I don't drink. Thank you for the offer but I will be leaving."
The smile fell but Mo Xuanyu reached out and grabbed his arm and pulled him to a side hug to the shock all, Lan Wangji especially, "Well, till we meet again Hanguang-Jun."
He shoved the man violently away to the ground angry at the audacity and the nerve. Nobody was allowed to touch him like that. Nobody but Wei Ying. "Shameless!"
"I get that a lot." And to laugh back at him so lightly- to just do that! To be that unapologetic…
Lan Wangji stormed away after that unable to contain the rage boiling in him. His teeth clenched tight enough that it brought his face into a genuine scowl. He never wanted to see the man again. He never wanted to look at Mo Xuanyu again.
But fate loved to mock him.
On Dafan Mountain they bumped in again by mistake and despite his insistence for Mo Xuanyu to leave him be, he followed behind him curiously with that stupid grin. At least this time he didn't have that stupid makeup on.
Underneath he's actually quite handsome.
It was surprising to find he was excommunicated from the Lanling Jin sect for both his practices but along with being a cut-sleeve. Lan Wangji wasn't even sure what to think of the way the man just brashly proclaimed it. Just announced to everyone his love of men.
"Stop following me."
"Ah, if I don't I might butt into that Jiang Wanyin fellow and I hear hunts anyone using demonic cultivation. I would rather keep my head." Mo Xuanyu said stretching his arms languidly. "Not to mention A-Ling also rather hates me."
Does anyone like you?
"If I stay by you Hanguang-Jun, I can admire your lovely visage and not end up with my head on a stick." Mo Xuanyu smiled and Lan Wangji knows from experience it's the kind meant for denying pain. He knows because it's very similar to Wei Ying and how he hid everything behind that beautiful grin and laugher that shined like summer sun.
"Shameless."
"That's what you said last time as well." Which was because it was true. Mo Xuanyu was disgustingly shameful- Mo Xuanyu plucked a flower and held it up to him with somewhat yellowed teeth smiling out to him. "While it's nowhere near as fine as you, I hope it makes up for my past blunder."
Lan Wangji turned his nose and scoffed, "Ridiculous."
"Do you always talk in one-word statements? It's such a shame because your voice is lovely."
"Utterly ridiculous."
The deep snort and chuckle that was completely different from the laugh that someone used to make when he replied like that, "Was that a joke Hanguang-Jun?"
"No." And he means it. Lan Wangji was annoyed at his pestering and insistent on following and even when he'd used a silencing spell all Mo Xuanyu had done was just use objects to make noise instead. Just leave him alone and let him be.
Mo Xuanyu just shrugs and pulls out his compass humming to himself and Lan Wangji cannot understand why he keeps checking like something will change. None of the compasses have been able to do anything once on the mountain. "Hmm, so we're walking away from it."
Lan Wangji just keeps his feet moving swiftly forward. Eventually, he's going to give up. "Aren't you even a little curious what I mean?"
No. "Believe it or not I'm not crazy."
He raised a brow. "Well, not that crazy. But, one of the things I have done was alter the nature of the demonic locating compasses to get better readings."
Sure he did. Lan Wangji rolled his eyes. "Wei Wuxian's inventions really only sort of work after all."
And that made him stop with anger bubbling in. "What makes you think you know better?"
"Because my compass still works. Look here," it was to much of Lan Wangji's shock that he was telling the truth and not only that they were walking away. "Want to follow it?"
He still annoys me
But Lan Wangji also said yes.
Wei Ying, I never thought I'd meet someone more crass than you
That greasy hair was thrown over his shoulder as he waved to be followed. Mo Xuanyu… "Come on! The day is wasted if just stand around."
Mo Xuanyu is in some ways very much like you.
The strike of Zidian at Mo Xuanyu struck in after fierce corpses had been called in to fight the goddess statue lead to a whole commotion as Jiang Wanyin demanded the surrender of the demonic cultivator. "You and I both know he's not the Yiling Patriarch."
"All the same he and his kind should be detained. He's coming with me."
The look on his face looked happy and mischievous but his posture was resigned. Like Mo Xuanyu expected this. Like he knew this was the outcome. "It's okay I will come peacefully."
"No."
Lan Wangji isn't sure why he blocked his way, why he stopped, and announced that Mo Xuanyu would be coming with him but he thinks it's because he felt it really would be a waste of that smile to be snuffed out so soon. For Jiang Wanyin to destroy a man who seemed despite all the words said was kind and sane.
Simply open and unreserved. "He's coming back as our guest."
The shock was on everyone's face though. Not just the crowd but Mo Xuanyu who pinched himself. It wasn't his plan of course to actually bring him with them back home but Mo Xuanyu followed behind.
"Leave."
"But, Hanguang-Jun, you invited me and I can't possibly turn that request down. I haven't the face for it."
"You have no face to lose."
"So he does joke," Mo Xuanyu giggled and leaned back on the donkey he was riding. "I honestly don't really have anywhere to go so I don't see anything wrong with Cloud Recesses. Besides, I think you're interesting."
Despite not asking at all what he means Mo Xuanyu says his thoughts aloud anyway, "I have never met anyone so beautiful who looks so miserable every second."
That strikes a nerve deep in him and once again without trying Mo Xuanyu has impacted so personally and so unaware. Lan Wangji has to center himself because he knows that Mo Xuanyu does not mean it like that.
For whatever reason Lan Wangji is incapable of getting rid of Mo Xuanyu. No, despite his efforts to get rid of him Mo Xuanyu ends simply constantly being around and pestering him and everyone at Cloud Recesses but… he can't say he hates it.
He can't say he doesn't enjoy the pestering or the laughter. Despite having a jade token Mo Xuanyu only leaves to go get meals in town saying he wants to get his hands on sour things. He's not one for spicy but bitter and tart is something he enjoys greatly so Lan Wangji often finds him buying that or more makeup.
"Why do you wear it?" Especially when it often detracted from the fine features of Mo Xuanyu's face.
"Well, it started because I wanted to warn people to stay away from me. That I was trouble but then… then I just learned to like it. Appreciate the work woman put into it and try but people get nervous when I do that so that's for in private." The blue over his eyes looks absolutely tacky. "But in public, I am just a miserable cut-sleeve and a madman. So I might as well get the benefits."
"You look hideous."
Mo Xuanyu had laughed hard at that and given him his thanks.
The cut-sleeve didn't play any instruments, but he sees him dance on his own and sometimes with children when he can. The children seem to enjoy him and he always ends it handing out flowers. If he spotted Lan Wangji he'd bow and hold one out to him with a grin. "For one as lovely as you."
He knows the man's preference and Lan Wangji knows his own beauty, but he can't bring himself to think he's being serious. He's being played with in a far different manner and he's not sure how to handle all these flowers.
The worst part of not being able to get rid of him is that Mo Xuanyu has no boundaries with him and despite having his own quarters will often lounge about in the Jingshi reading library books or napping on his daybed.
It frustrates him. It frustrates him because- because- "Lan Er-Ge-ge, I found your secret stash! I knew you were more of a rule-breaker than you let on." Mo Xuanyu was hoisting a jar of Emperor's Smile in the air proudly and it made him want to scream that. "Not mention I was right about my other assumption."
In the other hand is his picture book. The horror that shakes him and the rage again as his ears turn red in shame. "You- you!"
He didn't have the right to call him that! He didn't have the right to touch that! He didn't- Lan Wangji wasn't- "Aww, you're blushing that's so cute."
"Shut up! You're a pest." It was far too easy to storm over and grab the jar, but Mo Xuanyu and the book slipped away.
"Because I called you out A-Zhan? There's no shame in it. I mean, look at me."
He grits his teeth and snatched again this time snagging the end of the spine while Mo Xuanyu pulled away, "Give it back."
"A but A-Zhan, this book is full of naughty pictures. Men with men! It's far too pure for one such as yourself."
"Give it back." He couldn't tear this book. No, not this one! So he couldn't pull as he pleased why Mo Xuanyu just joyfully yanked harder uncaring.
"Oh? What are you telling me that the great Hanguang-Jun is a cut-sleeve! What will the woman of the world do when they find out." His eyes widen when he sees the spine starting to tear and lets go. "This one a favorite?"
"Give it back!"
"This is the most expressive I've ever seen you."
"Give it back to me!" Mo Xuanyu casually holds the spine up laughing as he tugs at it.
"But A-Zhan is so cute right now! Oh, want to look at it together and bond over the pictures? I bet it be fun." And then he starts to flip through and holds up one of the more scandalous pages. "This be a fun one to try am I right!"
He tries to lunge for it again but Mo Xuanyu slips away and leaves to another one creasing the paper. "And this would be spicy to try? Hey, A-Zhan can I assume you're a virgin?"
"Shut up!"
"You are!" Mo Xuanyu looks far too pleased. "I have more experience than you."
"Shut up."
"You really are adorable. Maybe I'll keep it forever A-Zhan and think of you when I hold it."
"Give it back Wei Ying!"
…
He fled the room in shame not a moment later. Shame that he had been outed. Shame that he'd called the wrong name and he had nowhere to run to but away. Just away from that mistake!
He found himself in front of the gentian house curled on the porch along for hours waiting for the day to end and night to swallow him.
Gone. Lan Wangji needed that man gone. He needed Mo Xuanyu to disappear because how dare Lan Wangji make such a mistake. How dare he sully that name so easily. How dare he- how could Lan Wangji- he buried his head in his hands and held back a sob.
It's been so long and that wound is still so fresh. That wound still pours at the lightest prodding of a barely formed scab.
He's surprised when his son comes to sit beside him but then again the people who knew him best knew his habit of ending up back on this porch somehow believing that his mother might just open the door and tell him it will be okay. "Mo Xuanyu explained a bit of it. Nothing too detailed just… Dad… why didn't you tell me?"
Tell his son what? That he fell for the founder of Demonic Cultivation and took in his son both in love and penance. That every night he thinks of what holding Wei Ying again would mean to him. That he's nowhere near the pillar of purity and virtue everyone holds him as.
That in this empty pounding chest he's lonely and resigned to it. "If he makes you happy then that is more than enough for me."
"You misunderstand." Because Mo Xuanyu is a blight. A pest. A nuisance interrupting his heavy grieving.
"I don't think I've seen you smile so much before."
And it turns his stomach inside to hear that. So much that when he bumps into Mo Xuanyu again and he apologizes he feels he might be punctured. "I'm sorry. It wasn't right for me to do that. I should have known better how hard it is… I… I'll forget what you said. I didn't hear anything."
But Mo Xuanyu talked and read enough that he certain he knew exactly which Wei Ying he had meant and the thought that someone knew- openly knew- curdled his stomach.
"But if you ever want to talk I'll listen."
Mo Xuanyu slowly became another part of the surroundings and overall a friend. Someone who would come and talk the day with him and try to pull his arm. "Come on. I'm not saying you need to flirt with anyone. This teahouse is just a good place for people like us to meet up and connect."
"I don't need to connect."
"Pfft. No one actually wants to be alone A-Zhan."
And Lan Wangji doesn't like admitting that he likes going out with him and meeting people. That he enjoys eating out even if Mo Xuanyu wouldn't drink and really he had no extremes in his palette. Just preference and one of them was good tea.
"I only offered wine because it seemed like the celebratory thing. I don't really drink it."
They really were very different and yet extremely similar in ways that hurt inside.
He doesn't like admitting that he does think of him as a friend because that means they are becoming close. A closeness that when Mo Xuanyu yanks his hand during the summer festival covered in that gaudy makeup he forgets to reject it completely. A closeness when Mo Xuanyu begs him to dance with him in front of people in Caiyi Town he hesitantly lets himself get dragged in.
That when Mo Xuanyu snags his wallet and comes back silly trinkets and a comb he doesn't think to do more than roll his eyes and laugh internally.
Enough that when he accidentally finds himself drinking alcohol Lan Wangji calls him that name again and holds him close muttering inanely. With that warm buzz from the liquor, he was blind to Mo Xuanyu's protests to let him go or that he was making a mistake.
Yes, he was. They're so alike that it was fine to muddy that line just for a night right? It was fine to pretend? It didn't hurt. It didn't.
A dear mistake he was making that he only saw when Mo Xuanyu screamed, "I am not Wei Wuxian."
He's not even sure why he started crying. Shaking.
Why Mo Xuanyu was holding him and whispering softly and sweetly into his ears that he is okay. "I miss him. I need him but he won't come back. Wei Ying won't come back to me."
"I keep waiting and waiting but he doesn't come." That embrace tightened.
"Lan Zhan, waiting on the dead is not a good use of one's life."
"I'll always wait for Wei Ying." Always. It's the only thing he's lived for and he pushes away because Mo Xuanyu is a distraction. Mo Xuanyu is removing his heart from where it needs to be. Changing that cold in him.
"Would Wei Wuxian be happy to know you spent your whole life wasting away trying to get to him?"
Those words… he didn't know what to do with them. Yet he did. He did because- because- even if it was what Wei Ying might want for him it didn't make it right. He shouldn't move on. He shouldn't let his love dim.
"I can't say anything for Wei Wuxian but A-Zhan I would like to know one day you'll be happy."
It changed after that. Mo Xuanyu stopped flirting with him both genuinely as a joke. The closeness grew distant and Mo Xuanyu decided he wanted to test some theories he had and travel. That while it had been lovely he was done here and Lan Wangji didn't want to see him go.
Didn't want to be alone.
"A-Zhan, I refuse to just be a faulty copy of Wei Wuxian."
What hurt the most was that Lan Wangji didn't think he'd ever return. That Mo Xuanyu would disappear from his life like he'd never been there. In that hole in his chest another chunk had been cleared and carved out and he was too lonely to smile and he couldn't say why.
But you weren't that at all
He didn't see Mo Xuanyu for almost two years and in that time he'd somehow managed to look even more ratty than he had when they first mess. "A-Zhan! Good bumping into you. Why not we get some tea?"
Mo Xuanyu fills him on their travels and how he has found a new way that he proclaims is more efficient for using resentful energy and less straining. He also mentions a man he's started courting in Yiling and a stone drops in Lan Wangji's stomach. He's happy for him though- yes happy.
"Do you think I could ever move on as you say?"
"The only one holding you back A-Zhan is you."
It feels wrong. It feels like a crime to want more than Wei Ying. To want more than his chosen partner but also…
I want this loneliness swallowing me to end
He's just not sure who could fill it but he does know that Mo Xaunyu is different than the blinding summer warmth Wei Ying promised. He wasn't that but he was the calm sun of spring and if that light melted away the ice he wouldn't be opposed.
And if Mo Xuanyu stayed with this ordinary waiter in Yiling then he would swallow and live with the loss. Not more than three days later they parted again but not before Lan Wangji handed Mo Xuanyu a new powder set in a container decorated with flowers. "For you."
"A-Zhan you really are too precious."
The kiss left on his cheek left him in absolute shambles.
They kept letters going between them from then on. Amusingly Mo Xuanyu liked to try to write his like they were poetry and they ended up going back in forth in long poetic prose for letters that stretched for months and months. Stupidly convoluted but fun ways to say what they were thinking and feeling.
There was one thing he wanted to say but was too awkward to ever declare.
He spent a very long time deciding what he enjoyed about Mo Xuanyu that was just him. Deciding that it wasn't because of similarities to Wei Ying. That he really did like Mo Xuanyu for who he was.
So he wrote in his letter how much he would love to dance with him again.
A week letter he received one that said: You know you can just say it
As always so shamelessly open with nothing locked away. Not a single secret. That might be one of their biggest differences. He still didn't feel completely okay but he also understood that he really was just being cruel to himself because Wei Ying would want him happy.
Wei Ying had always wanted him to be happy and to get married. Wei Ying- it hurt- it truly hurt but he thought it would hurt more to his greatest love if when they met again he told him how he spent his days.
Two days later Mo Xuanyu appeared at the gate dressed up finely and that usually awful makeup was masterfully done making his phase look exquisite. "I will take my dance now."
Lan Wangji took that held out hand without hesitation. "You promise that it's me you like? That the one you fell for was myself and nothing more?"
"Yes."
It hurt but also there was warmth sitting in his chest. There was joy even if the wound would never heal. That he would always long for Wei Ying but he guessed it might be possible to love more than once. Especially if it would make that person in the beyond happy.
Mo Xuanyu held up a flower, "It's nowhere as lovely as you but I hope you accept it as a part of my love."