Spock
The morning after Christine and I consummated, I awoke to her lightly snoring and tightly embracing my body. Although it was uncharacteristic of me, I felt a smile form on my lips as I observed and listened to her sleep.
"Humans need much more sleep than Vulcans, '' I mused, arching my right eyebrow and rubbing her agile back with my hand.
"Christine, this is your six o clock wake-up alarm," the computer announced. A boisterous groan came from my bedmate and she finally lifted her head to say with her eyes halfway closed still, "Computer, snooze for one hour."
Her blonde hair was disheveled from our nocturnal activities and fell in her face as she spoke. Christine could not have appeared more enticing.
"Spock?" She questioned as she lowered her head back on my chest. Her slender fingers lightly fondled my dark chest hair.
"Yes."
"Are you feeling regret from our activities last night," she worriedly asked.
"Not at all, Christine," I confessed, using my hand to lift her face to view it," on the contrary, I am perturbed at myself for taking so long to act on my emotions."
Christine blissfully grinned at my response, then admitted, "I had no idea you felt that way about me."
"Perhaps you would like another demonstration, Miss Chapel?"
"Yes, please, Mr. Spock," she eagerly responded, so I readily complied.
For twenty-five days straight, Christine and I spent most of our free time together in private. Some of the time was spent while engaging in intimate relations, which was phenomenal, unreal even. My interactions with Zarabeth were without the bond that I had with Christine. That one factor made a substantial difference from just experiencing tremendous physical pleasure and sharing a dynamic unification. Our union was not only physical, however, as we shared a few interests together such as meditation and yoga.
A disconcerting awareness toiled at my brain throughout that spirited time. That it was illogical for me to experience these emotions because I was a Vulcan. I had not discussed my plans with Christine to enter the state of kohlinar to wipe my feelings out in the upcoming days. Deep in my mind, I impugned daily with my dichotomous nature, both the Vulcan and the human sides, which caused the division.
Ergo, that didn't stop Jim Kirk and Dr. McCoy from noticing and commenting on the alterations in my mood in the last three weeks.
"What in blazes is kohlinar, anyway" Dr. McCoy inquired almost in a grumble as we sat in Captain Kirk's spacious quarters, enjoying a friendly discussion on our future plans. He held a half-empty glass of brandy in his wrinkled hand and curiously peered at me.
"It is an ancient ritual to purge Vulcans of all emotion to obtain pure logic," I answered, taking a small sip of the brandy at the insistence of Jim.
"Why in God's green earth would you want to do that," he demanded, putting the glass down firmly on the table, and I raised an eyebrow at him.
"The expedition is an onerous one, but the reward of absolute logic justifies a Vulcan's determination to do it," I solemnly replied.
"What the hell does that mean? Pure logic," McCoy exclaimed in frustration. His eyes were practically bugging out of his sockets when he spoke.
"Is this because of what happened with Zarabeth," he inquired, most astutely.
"Zarabeth?" Kirk questioned in disbelief, "Who's that?"
Sipping the amber liquid again, I disregarded my Captain's query as Dr. McCoy divulged the basic details. Kirk could hardly believe his ears and stared at me dumbfounded. Consequently, I explained, "Before I joined Starfleet, I had greatly pondered if I should take the journey of kohlinar. Now I am certain."
Just then, I felt Christine's voice call to me in an alluring whisper, "Spock."
My primal urges were irrepressible to the point where I considered feigning illness to escape my two prying friends and go straight to Christine's quarters to ravish her.
"No," I sternly admonished myself, and taking another small drink,"Those sentiments can wait for now. I will not be seeing my friends after a few days."
"But you are half-human, Spock," Jim stated after another gulp of liquor, "why aren't you allowed to feel emotions? You are both Vulcan and human after all."
"I have to be one or the other," I confessed.
"And you choose to be a Vulcan," McCoy affirmed, to which I nodded and he rolled his eyes upward at my response.
"Have you experienced all the emotions that humans can have?" Kirk seriously asked.
"Vulcans experience emotions, Jim. Not on the scale that you humans do. They are done privately."
That ended the conversation for the time being.
We reached the space dock two days later, and I left Christine lying in her bed in the early morning, asleep. She would awake later thinking that I had left for my own quarters and not think that anything was awry until later. I would have to shield any connection I felt with her, and it would be a laborious challenge. Eventually, that would assist me in obtaining kohlinar.
As I viewed her happily sleeping, a sense of both sorrow and guilt consumed me. Christine and I never made plans after we docked, but it seemed erroneous just leaving her there without a goodbye. Nevertheless, I knew if I stayed much longer I wouldn't go, and I would miss my connection. Previously, I made plans to rendezvous with a cruiser to meet my parents on a planet near by Vulcan before returning home.
With a deep exhalation, I calculated that the chances that I would see Christine Chapel in the future were one in three hundred thousand. I leaned over her sleeping body and whispered, "I-I love you, Christine. Please forgive me for my actions."
Expeditiously, I exited her quarters before I could alter my decision and return to bed with her. A couple of hours later I left the Enterprise to connect with Sarek and my Mother. The only thing I took with me was one suitcase which contained a lock of Christine's blonde hair.
It was difficult to leave the Enterprise after the four years aboard the ship, but I had to regain control over myself. Kohlinar was the only way.