Rumors spread pretty fast in Dauntless, especially when it concerns a certain leader. Eric didn't mind what others thought or said behind his back, he had toughened up enough to not be bothered by the persistent looks and whispers as he walked by. That wasn't my case at all. I hated how they all looked at me as if I sold my soul to the devil himself. Eric was presumably a playboy, and it made me his plaything. I didn't know what was worse, being seen as Brent's victim or as Eric's whore.
What unnerved me the most was that nobody knew what relationship we had. I'm sure that the whispers were about how I wanted to get higher up in leadership by screwing Eric. I couldn't do anything, because they had nothing better to do than gossip about our lives, certainly because they were unsatisfied with their own. My fists curled at my sides. Why everything was so difficult? Where the fun would be without obstacles? Retorted a tiny voice in my head. Fun? I gritted my teeth. This whole situation was far from my definition of fun. I wanted to scream at them all to leave me alone and forget about my existence, but it would only attract their attention more, fuelling their insatiable curiosity with more juicy gossip.
I didn't know that our new friends would cause this much disturbance in my life. We were colleagues, wouldn't it be normal to become friends at some point? No, because Eric didn't make female friends, even I knew that. He didn't spend time with anyone but the other leaders and some of his initiation's camerades. I was the only female he talked to willingly in and out of work. That was what intrigued all Dauntless. Including me. His answer was sweet, but it didn't explain why he put so much effort to keep me from giving up. You are worth more than you know. What was I supposed to understand? Aidan told me that Eric described me as beautiful. Did he see me as a friend or something more? Couldn't he useless cryptic words? He gave me mixed signs, and that was beginning to annoy me. I wanted to know what he wanted from me, I knew that everything came with a price, especially his help. So, what he was gaining from this apart from drama and headaches? I didn't sleep at all last night because his voice kept playing in my head, and I kept overthinking about Eric until the early hours.
We hadn't said another word after our embrace, not even when he had broken apart to get back to our respective apartments. I should have questioned him when I had the opportunity, now it would be more than suspicious if I went to his office or his apartment to talk privately. The workers behind the screens of the control room surely spied on my every move in hopes of seeing a make-out session in the dimly lit hallways or of recording a scene that could be used as leverage against the young leader, depending on their level of voyeurism. I glared at the cameras on purpose, seething in the rage of having my privacy violated once again because someone found pleasure in making my life a living hell.
What if Brent succeeded to brainwash a twisted soul in helping him in his scheme? What if it has been planned right before he assaulted me? I felt more on edge and kept an eye open to spot any strange behavior from other members. I was becoming paranoid, but everything was possible as Brent had been Eric's consultant for as long as I've been Harrison's. We held more power than other members, we could use it to our own benefit. Obviously, I was the only one who didn't do anything with it. What made me fear for my safety was that he succeeded to rape me without alarming any of the leaders with his sick behavior. Eric didn't even seem to mind Brent's inappropriate remarks before he raped me, I was annoyed that he didn't do anything sooner to prevent this, but it wasn't entirely his fault. I kept my mouth shut when I had multiple occasions to say the truth to Jenna, Kate and Harrison. After all, it had been Eric who listened to my confession, and I was grateful he did, or I'd be drinking down my misery. My gaze sharpened when I spotted Four walking briskly ahead of me.
"Four," I called as I came to walk beside him. "I'm impressed, of all people I didn't think you'd be the one to break my trust."
He stopped mid-step, mouth agape, apparently taken aback by my bluntness. I smiled sweetly at him, he squirmed uncomfortably under my eyes. No doubt he felt guilty about what he did, and he should feel bad for this. Every person who did me wrong deserved to have some payback, no matter how helpful and supportive they can be.
"He didn't give me much choice, " he admitted sourly. "I'm sor-," I cut him right away by holding my hand up, not wanting to hear his petty excuses.
"Bad for you, you still owe me one, then." A scowl replaced his pitiful expression.
"He's rubbing on you, " he commented and I chuckled.
"I don't think so, I'm just done with people knowing my life better than me. Can you help me discover who started these rumors about us?"
"Sure, I'll let you know when I'll find something."
"Good. And don't tell anyone, not even Eric, or you'll be in debt again. " I warned him then walked away before he could respond.
If Four was unable to keep his mouth shut, no doubt that Marlene had already spilled the beans about my pregnancy. That would explain why women shot daggers with their eyes every time I crossed paths with one of them. Eric wasn't one for relationships, so having a baby was out of the equation. Everybody would think that I'm carrying his child when in truth this pregnancy had nothing to do with a joyous event. I sighed and pushed open the doors, gathering all my bravery to confront the head nurse. However, when I saw that she was talking to Jenna and Kate quite animatedly, I decided to step back and let the doors close on my face. Fortunately, their backs were turned to me so they didn't even notice my brief appearance.
I was too late to prevent the rumors to blow out of proportion. I couldn't blame it all on Marlene, I didn't say anything to her when I ran out of the infirmary after taking my test. Once again, my silence dug into my grave. When will I learn the lesson? Not this time apparently because I was stupid enough to think that I could change the course of things. No matter what I'll do, people will keep talking, even the closest ones. You're the one in hell, Brent's voice whispered in my ear. I shook my head and retreated into the hallway. I walked aimlessly for quite some time, avoiding the crowded areas to not interact with people. I wanted to be left alone with my thoughts so I climbed the steps that overviewed the pit and sat on the edge, feet dangling in nothingness. I was a few meters above the floor, nobody could see me but I could see every one, even the cameras couldn't catch me, I felt free and untouchable. However, it didn't ease the pain growing in my chest.
I put my hand on my belly, caressing it absentmindedly as I tried to picture the life growing inside of me. An innocent life who didn't ask for anything but to exist. I couldn't help but see Brent's face. I exhaled loudly. My encounter with Aidan comforted me with the idea of getting an abortion. I couldn't face him because he looked a lot like the man who raped me, so raising his baby seemed impossible. How could I love a kid born from hatred and violence? I stopped stroking my stomach and looked at it. I felt more and more nauseous in the mornings and late at night, which meant that time was running out to make a decision. I retreated my feet on the concrete floor and wrapped my hands around my knees, shin resting atop of them as I let my mind wander.
"Thought you'd be on the roof."
A small smile graced my lips as I heard the familiar deep voice. His timing is always perfect to keep me from going nuts. I didn't know how we moved so discreetly with his imposing stature, but still, Eric sat beside me without making any sound.
"Thought you'd be at a meeting," I shot back without looking at him.
"I was, it ended sooner than expected, not that I complain," he replied casually. "The vote will take place in the mess hall at nine a.m tomorrow, Max will tell everyone tonight," he stopped until I looked at him. "I made sure Brent keep his mouth shut about your visit, the other leaders think there was a glitch in the camera."
I frowned deeply, why would he cover me again? It was the perfect opportunity for him to get revenge on Four, he knew he was the one who messed up the cameras. Plus, he did warn me that he wouldn't cover me next time, but he did nonetheless. His actions didn't make sense.
"Don't look at me like that, it's nothing to worry about," he assured me, his eyes anchored in mine.
"Thanks, Eric, but you don't have to do this." He rolled his eyes in annoyance.
"Too bad for you, it's too late," he said a smirk plastered on his lips.
"Should I call you my guardian angel? Because you sure act like it since my predicament with Brent," I half-joked, though I really wanted to understand his inner motives.
Eric snorted and waved his hand as to dismiss the idea of him being a guardian angel.
"You liked fairy tales when you were little, didn't you? I'm sure you dreamed about Prince Charming, coming to get you on his horse and riding through Amity, then across the Fence to discover the outside world. Every little girl did," he explained, his amused smile growing as my cheeks grew hotter.
"Even if I did like fairy-tale when I was little, I've always found it hard to believe in Prince Charming," I denied quite firmly. "Seriously, a random handsome guy on his white horse who comes gets a girl he doesn't know but wants to marry because he saw her somewhere once and fell for her? It's freaking creepy," I finished, waving my hands around as if it would prove my point.
I noticed that Eric tensed up and frowned. Was he a fairy-tale lover? I felt he was more of a thriller reader or history nerd, it suited his Erudite side more. He shook his head and straightened up, he did it a lot when he argued with someone else. He was entering in "fighting" mode, though it was only verbally, I could sense the shift in him. His eyes also glowed differently, showing that he enjoyed debating and was confident in his skills to do so. I never realized that I've picked up so many details about him, every time he was around I couldn't look away unless I was uncomfortable, he was like a magnet to me.
"You don't look at it the right way, it's not about the story itself, it's about the dedication of the handsome guy to get the girl," I pouted my lips, unconvinced. "He surely puts a lot of effort to endure the suffering of riding a horse, traveling through the kingdom, fighting against soldiers, dragons, and her family just to know if she's interested in him."
I couldn't deny his reasoning, because I was too focused on searching for a double meaning to his words. Nonetheless, I noted that he put the girl's family after the dragons, presuming that the family-in-law must be more dangerous than mythological creatures. Odd classification for a Dauntless leader of his stature.
"You're right, I suppose it depends on how you look at it," I replied softly.
His lips twitched upwards in a small smile as he turned his gaze towards the pit, seeming contempt with my answer. As I said earlier, I felt compel to look at him whenever he was here. It was a way to confirm that he was really here, spending his free time with me instead of doing his usual routine. I detailed his face. His defined features, his strong jaw and the slight stubble that adorned it, his multiple piercings glistening and reflecting the light in his bright blue eyes. Eric had a unique charm, sharp and dangerous, just like his persona. I couldn't believe that he was single since I've known him. He had a bad reputation, he was seen as cruel and deadly, no one dared approach him in fear of his harsh words and short temper.
I knew now that it was all a lie to keep people away from him. He was a handsome, intelligent young man who was good with children and a great trainer. He was patient, caring, honest, easy to joke around, still a little rough around the edges, and enigmatic, but I kind of liked his mysterious vibes and his cockiness. He was husband and father material for any decent Dauntless woman who could see past his harsh exterior, I wasn't part of them. I felt unworthy to be loved because I was broken beyond repair, I was foolish to even think about what it would be like to be in Eric's arms again. He had better suitors, ones that could give him what he needed. I could only be his friend, I repeated several times to imprinted it in my mind.
"Are you staring because I'm handsome or because you have something to ask me?" He said after a while, glancing at me from the corner of his eyes.
"Don't flatter yourself," I huffed in response, unable to find anything better to say.
"So, you really just admired me?" He insisted, a smirk forming on his lips.
"Shut up," I muttered under my breath, not in the mood for our little game anymore. "I need to know… Did you ever do something comparable to what Brent did to me?" His eyes never left me as he registered my question.
"I never did it, and don't plan on changing that," he answered casually, though his face was serious as ever.
"Did you ever kill purposefully for your own interest?" I asked, pushing my luck a little bit too far apparently.
"No," he sternly, frowning deeply. "Am I under investigation? Did someone tell you to ask me those questions?"
"Yes… No… I mean… No, I'm just being paranoid," I stuttered, turning my head away from him.
Eric gets closer to me, his hand finding my cheek to turn it towards him. I complied, unable to resist the gentleness of his rough hands. My eyes found his reluctantly, knowing that he would see right through my white lie. I didn't want to make him think that I doubted him when in truth I doubted myself. I feared that my feelings won't stop growing if Eric kept doing this. I ignored the goosebumps crawling on my skin when his fingers moved slightly on my skin. I was slowly falling for this man at the worst time of my life.
"You'd be a shitty Candor, you can't keep your promises and you don't know how to lie," he stated out of the blue, taking me off guard. "We've said no more lies, don't you remember?" his voice lowered at each word as his hand let go of my cheek.
The warmth of his hand lingered on my cheek, my fingers grazed it unconsciously and I cursed internally. Get a grip on yourself, Chris, you're a grown woman, not a fucking teenager. I focused on his words, they hit me hard. I knew I was being selfish, but I was too afraid to get hurt again. I didn't want him to know about my feelings because I thought he'd push me away, ending our friendship. I couldn't lose him. Eric had become important in such a short amount of time, his presence soothed my aching heart and calmed my racing mind. Without him, I'd be lost. The least I could do was, to be honest with him as long as it didn't betray my feelings.
"Brent told me that you and Harrison kept dirty secrets from everyone and he explained that he didn't use protection on purpose, he wanted… me to… carry his child on purpose. He chose me, he chose to destroy my life because," I stopped abruptly, unable to find the right words.
"You know why he did it," it was more a statement than a question.
"I have my suspicions," I admitted, still refusing to meet his burning gaze.
"Tell me, Chris," his leader's voice resurfaced, sending shivers down my spine. "Christine," he warned me once again when I didn't respond.
"I think it's because of you," I finally whispered. "I think Brent was jealous of me for some reason and made it his goal to destroy my life. That's fucking sick, even for a psycho', but that's the only reason I can think of. "
I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, Eric didn't move an inch, he was glued to the spot. Did I break him? His eyes became dull and his lips pressed into a thin line. My hypothesis bothered him more than I'd think. He seemed haunted by something, I could see dark clouds piled up in his irises, a storm was raging inside of him, and I didn't know what it meant. I flinched away when he scouted closer to me.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner, I could've done something," his deep voice was full of rage.
His eyes darken, reminding me of the ferocious waters of the chasm. I've never seen him so calmly angry, it was frightening, although I knew it wasn't directed towards me.
"Brent wasn't really subtle when he was hitting on me so I thought that you knew and didn't care."
Wrong words. Eric's stoic face hardened even more and his fist collided against the floor. His knuckles split under the impact, splashing the concrete with some of his blood. He didn't acknowledge his damaged hand and returned his fury eyes to mine. I shivered and shifted a little bit further away from him. His demeanor was the complete opposite of last night, gone was the comforting Eric, here was the angry man I've always heard shouting when I passed the hallway of the leaders' offices.
"What the fuck, Chris," he hissed, his nostrils flaring, "Brent could've killed you."
Suddenly, everything clicked in place. He was angry at himself because he didn't do anything to prevent it when he could have. That was why he was doing all of this for me. He was helping me out of guilt. The building tension left my body and all my fears shrunk. I let out a sigh and came closer to him, taking his wounded hand in mine to see how bad it was. I felt his burning eyes on me until I looked up.
"It's not your fault, Eric," I stated firmly. "I can't let you think that you're responsible for everything Brent has done, he's your consultant, not your child. You can't blame yourself for not foreshadowing what happened, because I didn't think he would have gone that far until he did. I would have told you if I had fear for my safety, that's my mistake," I smiled sadly, "I underestimated my enemy and I've lost. That's one thing I'll remember from this."
Eric still refused to meet my gaze and didn't respond. I pulled his hand closer to me to inspect it fully. My Fingers pressed on multiple points to check if a bone was out of place. The cuts were not that deep, but they were full of dust and blood kept dripping from them.
"I thought I was the only one dumb enough to beat a wall or a concrete floor, be careful, I'm rubbing on you," I joked to lighten the mood. "Come on, I'll take care of that."
"It's okay, I've had worse," he grumbled.
"We've already talked enough in public, I'd rather not have someone eavesdropping. Plus, I'm sure Four is watching us right now and it creeps me out," I argued and he finally looked at me, amusement glistening in his eyes.
"Welcome to my life," he sighed.
"It sucks to have a stalker, good for me is more into you," I replied lightly.
I was halfway up when Eric pulled on my hand, hard enough to make me lose my footing and fall unceremoniously on the floor. I turned my head just in time to avoid hitting my nose on the ground. Eric chuckled above me. I tried to keep a frown on my face but failed to fight the smile growing on my lips. He did deserve his revenge for that one.
"That was also for shouting at me last night, I've told you that you could only do it once," he reminded me as he pulled me up with him.
Instead of letting go of him, I put my hand on his forehead, eyes wide in fake shock.
"You've got a serious fever, Eric, normally I'd be hanging from the chasm for disrespecting you.."
He batted my hand away and walked towards the staircase leading to the rocky platform without glancing at me.
"Be thankful I didn't do it and shut up," he growled as I caught up with him
I was wise enough to obey and followed him downstairs. The light atmosphere shifted as we neared the pit. Dread filled me and my pace slowed down a bit. Eric looked at me but I ignored him, trying to keep my composure as the voices and waves of laughter grew louder. I straightened my back and exhaled slowly through my nose, counting down to five to gather my thoughts.
"Shit," I grabbed Eric's wrist to make him halt. He narrowed his eyes at me, trying to understand my odd behavior. "I forgot to tell you that I've seen Marlene talking to Jenna and Kate in the infirmary earlier. I'm sure everyone knows that I'm pregnant by now, and considering the rumors going on about us, people will probably assume that you're the father," I whispered frantically, avoiding his eyes the best I could to not turn redder than a tomato.
He seemed to ponder over something as he kept glancing over my shoulder and me. I was tempted to turn around to see what he was looking at, but he prevented me to do it by pulling on my hand which was still holding his wrist. His eyes caught mine.
"That's what bothers you? Well, I don't give a flying fuck to what they say or think and so should you. We know for sure that we've never shared a bed before, no need to fuss about this," he stated bluntly.
Unable to find the right way to respond, I only nodded, feeling my cheeks burn from embarrassment. Eric turned around, dragging me in the process as he didn't let go of my hand. I tried to keep up with his long strides. We avoided the pit and took a more discreet route to my apartment, taking only paths reserved for higher-ranked members. Some of them were completely new to me, the compound was a huge structure halfway above ground and halfway below. Miles and miles of intricate corridors and dead ends carved in rocks or made of concrete surrounded us, it was easy to get lost even after years of exploring.
After a few minutes, we arrived in the living quarters. My flat was near the leaders' as Harrison asked for. It was, indeed practical when an event requiring the leaders occurred during the night. Harrison only had to come by her door to get her on his way to the emergency. Fortunately, Brent lived with his best friend and bigger flats were secluded in a different area. I opened my door and let Eric get in first. I went straight to the bathroom to get my first aid kit. When I came back, Eric was sitting on the couch, feet propped up on my coffee table. I rolled my eyes, what was it with men and my coffee table, Harrison always did it. I batted his feet off of it, scowling motherly at the young leader as he obeyed reluctantly. I sat where his feet were and gestured for his injured hand.
"Don't feel obliged just because I fixed yours," he grumbled and gave it to me anyway.
"I'm doing it because I need a favor."
I took the disinfectant and began to clean the cuts. He didn't hiss once.
"Four can't help you with this one? I thought you were best friends as you seem to seek his help quite often," he knew that I asked Four to discover the source of the rumors.
My hands froze then proceeded to apply a cream that helped with healing while diminishing the future scars. I was wondering if he didn't spy on me more than he needed to regarding my "vacation" under his watch. Needless to say that he sounded quite jealous, but I didn't take it as a boyfriend kind of thing as it was concerning Four.
"Yes, to keep him busy and away from me as possible. I don't need him to stick his nose into my life more than he's already doing. Plus, you're the only one who can help me with this one."
Focused on the task at hand, I didn't glance at him once. I wrapped his hand in gauze, tying it tightly so it won't slip while moving.
"Keep it until you go to bed, it'll heal faster," I said, putting everything back into the box.
"What do you want me to do?" He questioned, stretching his hand and looking closely at the bandage I've made.
"I want to get an abortion in Erudite, the fewer people involved the better, is it possible to sneak up without being seen by cameras?"
Eric's eyes narrowed at the mention of his old faction, he didn't seem to like the place. Understandable, he transferred for a reason, probably to avoid becoming a nerd with big glasses all dressed in blue, following Jeanine like a lost puppy. He'd be so different without his piercings and tattoos that that image left me a strange feeling. I couldn't see him any other way. His tough exterior seemed to match the flame burning in his eyes which was consuming my soul, tearing apart every attempt to hide any secret from him. I hated and kind of liked his ability to know what was going through my mind.
"I can make it work, do you want to go before or after the vote?"
"After, I don't want to be sick and miss his death."
"I'll keep you updated in the morning so keep your tablet on," he looked at his watch then back at me. "I have to go check on the kids, wanna tag along?"
This made me remember that I had a promise to keep. Violette would be heartbroken if I didn't show up again, but being surrounded by kids when I wanted to get rid of the one growing in my womb felt wrong. My hands shook and I took it as my cue to get up and put the first aid kit back in its place in the bathroom. It was also to escape Eric's eyes, I didn't want him to pick up on my thoughts, it was too intimate and sensitive to share. It felt horrible to kill innocent life. I've already killed factionless, armed people that were ready to take my life if I hesitated.
This growing baby wasn't armed, he wasn't dangerous, but he was fighting for his life like I did, as the factionless did. We were all fighting for our lives, some to upgrade their conditions, others to survive. I took a shuddered breath. I needed to stop thinking or I'd have another mental breakdown in front of Eric. Reminded of his presence in my apartment, my eyes found the clothes lent to me a few days ago, neatly folded on a shelf. I took them and joined Eric in the main room. He remained in the same spot on the sofa.
"Here, before I forget to give them back," I said while offering his clothes back to him.
Eric made no move to retrieve them, I raised an eyebrow questioningly.
"Keep them, I have a lot of those," he replied whit a shrug.
"Hm, ok, thanks I guess," I muttered awkwardly and sat back beside him, his clothes on my lap.
"You don't have to go if you don't want to, Christine," his smooth voice made me like my name more and more.
People never called me by my full name, unless they were yelling at me or scolding me for doing something wrong so I wasn't used to hearing it that way. Eric made me weaker, my broken heart melted for him and I couldn't do anything to stop it.
"It's not fair for the kids, I promised-"
"They can't understand what you're going through, Christine." Damn, again. " Don't worry about them, they'll wait until you're ready to come back. Thanks for this," he held up his bandaged hand and get up. "Don't forget to check your tablet tomorrow, if you don't hear from me until lunch, meet me on the roof, it's safer to avoid being spied on."
"Thanks, Eric," those worlds felt so empty compared to how grateful I was for his help.
Eric nodded, his lips twitched slightly upwards, then turned around to leave my apartment.
"Don't do anything you might regret," he called out before closing the door behind him.
I smiled stupidly, then broke down. My little crush was turning into feelings I wasn't ready to face. I was getting myself into a complicated situation, I couldn't let go of Eric as he was the person who anchored me to reality, but I couldn't spend so much time with him, or I'd lose myself. I needed to get better before engaging myself in anything, a friendship was already taking a lot out of me, and I wasn't even sure that Eric was interested in me in a romantic way. I prepared to go to bed, not feeling like eating in the dining hall, I fixed a plate with what was left in the fridge. I ate, then brushed my teeth, and plopped down on my bed. I was exhausted, but couldn't seem to find sleep as I stared at the ceiling. I turned a few times, my eyes caught Eric's dark clothes on the sofa.
I get up, took off my shirt, and put him on instead, in hopes that the lingering perfume of the young leader could put me to sleep. I inhaled his scent, overwhelming my nostrils as I leaned on my bed, pulling my pillow closer to me. Why did I feel the need to sleep in his arms, to feel his touch again? I was going insane. I shouldn't be thinking about him like this, I shouldn't think about getting more intimate when I was scared to do anything more than a hug. Was it normal to want him after what Brent did to me? I finally fell asleep, and plunged into horrible nightmares where Eric and Brent morphed into the same person, chasing after me throughout the compound while yelling hurtful things such as "You're a bitch, a slut who wants to get in our pants", or, "You're a murderer for killing our child, you'll pay for this." Their words repeated themselves until the sun picked through the curtains and landed on my face.