"I'm sorry I'm late. Had some heavy rain at Logan, but I'm on my way." Jane blurted against the noise of the rain against her windshield into the headset. She was driving slow as the streets were wet. The landing had turned out to be a nightmare. At first, they had to wait because one runway had been closed due to a minor accident – a plane had slid over the it because it was slippery. Then a thunderstorm had almost led to a deviation. But Jane was safe on the ground now and hoping to reach the doctor for the fertility test in one piece.
"It's all right. The appointment is only in 30 minutes Jane." Maura said calmly.
"Meet you there?" Jane asked and Maura agreed.
Jane briefly glanced down at herself; she was soaking wet from running the short distance from the plane to the bus which brought them to the terminal. Well, that's the way it had to go then she decided and followed the long row of cars which moved through the afterwork traffic in the late afternoon.
31 minutes later she stormed the doctor's office and found a smiling Maura sitting in one of the chairs of the waiting area. The assistant then called their names, and they only had a second to exchange a kiss. Only two more flights and then Jane's life would change. She reminded herself of that as she followed her wife into the small office.
They had a short talk to the doctor who then took a blood sample of each and released them. "I would ask you out for dinner, but…" Jane was still dripping wet, and Maura chuckled. "Its fine. Why don't you go home and change into something warm while I pick us dinner from Donkong?" Donkong was their most preferred Chinese restaurant.
Jane nodded and they exchanged one more kiss, before they separated again. The pilot drove home and stripped off her wet clothes, jumping into the shower. By the time she came downstairs, she could already smell the food. And Maura had not only brought food but also prepared a glass of wine for herself and a beer for Jane.
They settled comfortably into the living room, watching Crocodile Dundee while eating. "Only two more times." Jane mumbled and Maura smiled. "How was Dubai?" the doc asked, and Jane huffed. "Hot, busy but as always interesting." She grinned. "You're going to miss it." Maura stated and Jane nodded. "Probably. On the other hand, I miss you more when being away. And I'm really tired of all the time shifts and living from a suitcase and not being with you. I won't miss it anyways once the kids are born." Her voice was dark and calm. Maura kissed her cheek.
Jane cocked her head slightly. "There was a time when I thought that flying was the greatest thing in the world. Always exciting you know?" Maura nodded, waiting for Jane to continue. "I think some pilots never lose this feeling. But I somehow did. It got me annoyed to live out of suitcases, travelling between time zones. And some of the places are getting me bored. It feels as if you are never at home. Every week im somewhere else and I don't even feel at home when I'm home because it's just another stop of three days. I don't know if I'm good at teaching, but I would hope so."
Maura gently caressed her hand, feeling Jane's insecurity and restlessness. Her thumb stroke over the back of Janes hand. "Only two more times." Maura said and Jane smiled. "Yeah."
"You know what I wish?" Jane asked and Maura shook her head in no. "I wish for you to fly with me. The last flight goes to Paris. I especially arranged that. What do you think? We could stroll down the champs Elysée's, drink real French champagne, eat Crepes in the street, visit Notre Dame and so on and so fort. How does that sound?"
"It sounds wonderful Jane." She said and they snuggled together. "Just give me the date so I can arrange a replacement for myself for the days. Jane sighed. "Will do tomorrow. I'm too exhausted tonight."
Maura chuckled. "Not only you. Maybe we should go to bed."
R&I
The results of their fertility tests came back a week later. Jane had performed her second last flight and was curious about the results. When they walked into the doctor's office both women's heart sank.
"I'm really sorry, but none of you is really that suited for having a baby." He spoke while keeping his eyes on the results in front of him. What a back set Jane thought, feeling Maura's disappointment as she hung her head, when they left the office.
"At least we can't say that it's one of our faults. It's us both." Jane knew that the joke was inappropriate, but this was just her way of handling things. In truth she wanted to cry, feeling an unexplainable loss which was strange because for most of her life she had never wanted kids. And now that she wanted, she learned that she wasn't able to have children? That seemed to be highly unvair. Maura stopped on the stairs in front of the building and stared at her in so much pain that Jane wanted to hug her. But she wasn't sure if Maura would accept her hug right now.
It was silent in the car when Jane drove them home. What was there to say anyways she thought, and it still hurt that Maura had pulled back when she had tried to touch her on the stairs. Jane had bought a new BMW a few weeks ago. Fancy dark night blue metallic with white leather seats and too many horsepower's for Maura's taste. Jane had loved the car but now it was completely unimportant.
She watched Maura later walk off to her office without any word or explanation and sighed. Closing the garage door she allowed some of her held back tears stream down her face. She was sad and she felt lonely. But she understood that Maura probably needed the space to get over the shock. It was just her way to cope and Jane accepted it.
For the first time in a long while she opened a pack of cigarettes to smoke one. She had been an occasional smoker before meeting Maura and when moving into her house she had brought the packet of cigarettes with her. She took a few long drags and took a long sip of beer while sitting to her favorite spot on the chairs of the deck.
There was a moment when she glanced at the glooming cigarette in her hand and the bottle of beer in the other? Was this the reason why she couldn't have babies? But no, hadn't the doctor emphasized that It was in their genes.
Jane heard the door to the deck crack open behind her and felt Maura sit down next to her. She saw puffy eyes, just like hers and took a deep breath of relieve when the blondes hand slipped into hers and their fingers entwined.
"That's not fair." Maura mumbled and Jane had to agree. There were so many people who got kids whom they didn't even want and they… Jane squeezed her hand and opened her arms for Maura to move into them. They hugged for a long time.
"Maybe we are not meant to be parents." Maura said sadly and Jane huffed her protest. "Nonsense. There are plenty of options. It just means that our bodies don't work for that."
"All the people who get pregnant by coincidence and don't want the kids. Those kids deserve to be loved too. Family doesn't mean to be blood-related." She explained to her wife. But she sensed that Maura wasn't there yet, and neither was she if she was honest.
They both sighed. "Let's go to bed." Jane said. In the months they'd been together they always went to bed together. Unless either of them was at work. And so they did.
R&I
After spending a restless night Jane rose with Maura to prepare her coffee and breakfast before she had to go to work. Jane had tried to make her stay at home, but the doc had replied that she couldn't miss out as she was already going to miss the following week for their trip to Paris.
To Jane this was good news that they were still on for that trip. Maybe the change of scenery would help them to overcome these bad news. On the other hand, it scared Jane who thought that this was not a good sign. It looked a lot as if Maura was running from her problems. And she was afraid that this would lead to some fights. Yet, she let her go.
She spent almost the entire noon on the couch bathing in her misery. Deciding that she needed to talk about it – and Maura was obviously not the right person right now – she dialed Dusty's number. But the woman was taking her detectives test, so she didn't pick up.
Jane tried Peter who was on the phone right away. After some meaningless chit chat Jane came to the point. Peter listened in silence until she had finished and then hummed. "I'm really sorry. For the both of you Jane. I can only imagine how much it must hurt." Jane felt sort of better after telling the story and Peters words. But she still had the problem. Peter was nice enough not to mention the adoption topic, knowing her well enough that it was too early. Instead, he offered to come over and just be there for her.
"You need to talk about it Jane. Otherwise, this can take a very bad turn on your relationship. Or maybe not talk but show Maura that you care. Cook her dinner, bring her flowers, massage her feet…" he said when they sat on the deck half an hour later. Peter was just living down the street. Jane was glad that he had insisted on coming over.
"I know. But it's hard. She's sort of in denial."
Peter nodded. "The five stages of grief according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross."
Jane threw him a surprised glance. He shrugged. "Heard it from my wife. But I think it's true." Jane gave it a thought and finally agreed. She had been in denial for about ten minutes. "It's because you are different than her. Everybody takes different times." He replied when she told him.
A call ripped her out of her thoughts. It was from Susie. Jane picked up immediately and listened as Susie told her that Maura had cut herself with a scalpel and was being brought to general mass. "I'm on my way. How did it happen?" Jane asked already lifting from her chair and running towards the door. "She must have uhm.. I don't understand because she is usually so careful. But I think she had her head somewhere else. Is everything okay with you guys?" Susie asked and Jane swallowed. "We are okay. But we received some bad news." She simply said and that was enough for Susie who hung up so that Jane could hurry to the hospital.