A/N: Completely rewritten in September 2019. Bare bones were kept but much more detail and realism has been added. Rated M for final chapter only.
It had all started three years ago.
Three years ago when he realized that maybe what he had been feeling wasn't just friendship, not anymore. He wasn't sure when it actually happened, but that was his very rude, very unwanted awakening.
Three years that had pretty much been simultaneously the worst and best of his life- not that that was saying much, he was only eighteen. Three years by his side as his closest friend, the one he told everything to, the one who was there for him when he and his girlfriend broke up, who was there when he argued with his parents. Who was there despite the way it felt like his heart was shrivelling up inside every time he was called his "best friend."
Three years he had held onto these feelings, clinging to them as tightly as he could and yet shoving them as far away as possible at the same time. And Stan had never even realized it. And now it was going to be time to graduate in just a few months, time to leave South Park for good, and Kyle still had these feelings.
The redhead sighed, rolling onto his side as the bedsheets shifted beneath him to watch as the rain pelted his window. He wished it would wash away these emotions along with dirt and grime on the window as it rushed down the glass in tiny crystalline droplets. Listening to the noises of his family downstairs, he allowed his mind to wander, back to that night three years ago that started it all.
It had been at a freshman party at Clyde's house. Their first official party of high school, the first Homecoming where they had won the football game, the first time things finally sort of started to sink in for Kyle that this was who they were now. It had only been a few months since they started school, but the party was long overdue.
As usual, Kyle hadn't wanted to go in the first place. "I don't want to!" he complained to Stan, who was doing his best to drag him out of his bedroom- and succeeding, for that matter. There was a reason Stan had become the starting quarterback as a freshman. His strength was no joke, and although Kyle wasn't exactly a weakling, he couldn't really compete with him. Especially not when Stan was being this stubborn.
"Come on, Kyle! It'll be fun!"
"No, it won't! I don't care about seeing everyone get drunk, and Kenny hitting on every living thing that moves, and Cartman being an asshole to me, and you and Wendy going off to do who-knows-what in Clyde's bed while I put up with those stupid drunkards we call our friends!" Okay, so maybe he had always been a little bitter about Stan and Wendy- but who could really blame him? It was so obvious they weren't a good match, they were both just too damn stubborn to admit. Well, at least that was a trait they shared in common.
Pulling his arm away from Stan, he went back to his bed with a huff and flopped down facefirst. After a few moments, there was a soft groan followed by footsteps. Kyle felt the bed shift under Stan's added weight and did his best to suppress flinching when a hand touched his shoulder.
"Okay, um. First off, Wendy and I haven't done anything further than kissing. And I still puke when we do that, so there hasn't been much of it either. And second, it's not like Kenny and Cartman are any different than any other day of the year."
"Yeah but they'll be drunk this time," Kyle pointed out. "Drunk, Stan."
"Everyone will be. It won't just be them."
"Oh, wow, yeah, I feel so much better," he groaned. "You say it like it's a good thing."
"Well yeah, I mean," Stan said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "People won't really remember the party that way."
"But isn't a celebratory party? Shouldn't they want to remember what they're celebrating?"
"Dude, this is just a farce for getting drunk," the brunette scoffed as he leaned back against the wall, the back half of his torso coming into view.
"All the more reason to not go then."
"Fine. If you're not going, then I'm not going either." This got Kyle's attention.
"No way, man, you have to go. You're like, their hero. Star quarterback of the South Park cows and all that. You need to be at your own damn party."
"Tough luck then," Stan replied. "I'll just disappoint all those people, no big deal. My grades do that all the time."
"You're really dumb sometimes, you know that?"
"If dumb means valuing my best friend's company over all other people, then yes, yes I am." Kyle, not really knowing how to respond to that statement, rolled over to face Stan. His blue eyes were fixed on Kyle, who, doing his best not to stammer and blush like a complete imbecile, had finally given in. After all, how could he resist Stan after all that? Even though he really fucking should've held out.
The party had, quite frankly, sucked ass. Kyle had been overwhelmed all night, arguing with Cartman over even more mundane and stupid things than usual and trying to get Kenny to lay off the alcohol so he wouldn't drink himself to death, of which there was no shortage.
"C'mon, Kenny, haven't you had enough yet?"
"Fuck no," the blonde replied, slurring his words. "I ain't paying for this shit, gotta appreciate it while I can." Kyle sighed, trying to pull the ninth bottle of beer he had gotten that night out of his hands. Moaning a complaint, Kenny pulled away and staggered a few feet further from Kyle's side. "Why don't you go worry 'bout your little boyfriend?" He slurred, giggling. "I bet Stan could use a wingman right now," he said, pointing at the brunette, who was desperately trying to keep a conversation going with Wendy over in another corner. Smacking Kenny upside the head for the boyfriend comment, Kyle walked over to them, ignoring Kenny's snide remarks behind him that were likely about them to 'just get a room already.' If only he knew. Kyle reached the pair just as Wendy pushed past him.
"Oh, good, Kyle," she said, anger in her voice. "Go be with Stan. It's obvious who he cares more about anyway." With that, she spun around, her black hair neatly hitting him across the face, and stomped away to leave him spluttering behind her.
"Wanna tell me what that was all about?" Kyle said, turning to Stan, trying not to feel too confused by her comment.
"Wendy wanted to hang out after the party tonight and I told her you and I already had plans."
"We… don't though?" Stan stared at him in disbelief.
"Yeah we do! It's Friday! What about our Friday night sleepovers?"
"Dude, you could miss one for Wendy." Swallowing thickly, Kyle added, "She is your girlfriend."
"…Actually I'm not sure about that anymore. She's pretty angry now," Stan groaned, picking up the nearest beer. Popping the tab, he chugged it down in one go. "Whatever. It's not any different than normal. C'mon Kyle, let's enjoy the party!" Without really having a choice, Kyle was pulled after Stan toward the open bar and the living room, which had been transformed into a mass of sweaty, dancing bodies.
Apparently Stan's idea of enjoyment was to get dead drunk. After a couple of beers, the boy was dancing horribly with the rest of the crowd and screaming something about 'getting chickens in here'. Kyle groaned inwardly as people whooped and cheered while Kenny started swinging from the chandelier in the foyer.
"Kenny, get down!" Kyle yelled up at him. "You'll break it!"
"Hell no! This is awesome!" Kenny screeched back, having the time of his life.
"Yeah stupid Jew, lighten up!" Oh God. That voice… just what he needed right now. Kyle grit his teeth as he turned to face Cartman. "Oh wait," the snide fatass added. "I forgot it's clinically impossible for Jews to have fun. They'll implode, right? Surely there's a pill for that. Like a cyanide one maybe?"
"Fuck you, Cartman!" Kyle screamed, wondering whether he could blame the alcohol if he decked the guy right then and there.
"Whoa man, don't include me in your gay little fantasies, that's Stan's area of expertise."
Already near his boiling point, Kyle ground out, "You fucking fatass, why don't you go die of alcohol poinsoning and do us all a favor!"
"Ey! I'm big-boned! And I can handle my alcohol, fucktard!"
"So can I! You're not special!"
"Then why haven't you drank anything, Jew rat!" Cartman jeered.
"Because someone has to get Stan and Kenny's drunk asses home!"
"God, you're such a little fag for those two!" the fatass sneered with an overly exaggerated roll of his eyes.
"I am not-" Kyle was interrupted as Stan, who was far past the point of no return by then, stumbled in front of Kyle to flip Cartman off.
"Fuck off, man," he slurred, glaring daggers at the fat boy. "Kyle doesn't have to deal with your shit." Cartman, not sensing the murderous aura around Stan, who was hopelessly intoxicated and already upset over fighting with Wendy, took a step forward and sneered at the two.
"And here's the little princess's knight in shining armor. Whatcha gonna do, punch me?" And that was exactly what Stan did. It was a relatively weak punch for someone of Stan's size, but Cartman couldn't really dodge it. He took up too much room to do that. In a flash, the two were on each other, punching and kicking each other. And then, because God forbid this not escalate further, Kenny did some kind of jump-flip thing from the chandelier, landing squarely on Cartman's shoulders.
"Ey! Kinny! Get the hell off!" Laughing crudely, the blonde flipped him off from where he gripped the bigger boy's shoulders as tight as he could.
"You got this, Stan! Beat the living shit out of him!" The group was surrounded by drunken teenagers almost instantly, all chanting 'Fight! Fight! Fight!' at the top of their lungs. After watching this insanity for a few moments, Kyle decided he had enough. He did not come to this goddamn party just to get insulted and watch his best friends get into yet another stupid fucking fight. Turning around and shoving his way through the crowd, he managed to reach the front door and bolted though it into the chilly night air.
Seeing him turn and leave, Stan, after landing another well-aimed left hook at Cartman's face, turned and raced after Kyle, calling after him. Complaints and angry comments that 'it's over already?' surfaced until Cartman managed to throw Kenny off his back. The blond hit a wall and fell to the ground, moaning. However, he was back up in a second, taking Stan's place, and the two boy's departure was soon forgotten.
"Kyle! Kyle, wait up!" Stan called, stumbling on the slippery, dew-covered grass. Sighing internally, the redhead turned and looked back, begrudgingly waiting for him to catch up. When he did, Kyle moved Stan's arm around his own shoulders, grabbing it with one hand and supporting his waist with the other.
"Dude, you drank way too much," Kyle muttered, helping the brunette walk, or rather, stumble, home. "Be more careful."
"I know," Stan replied. "But it's the easiest way to forget things between me 'n Wendy. I' seems like she picks a fight over ev'ry little thing I do. 'S not cool."
"In her defense, you have been ignoring her lately. You hang out with me and Kenny over her, rarely respond to her texts, hardly talk to her in school."
"Why're you taking her side? You're s'pposed to be my best friend." Kyle looked over to see Stan staring at him, those big blue eyes practically glowing in the moonlight. Looking away as they crossed the street, Kyle shook his head a bit.
"I'm not taking her side, Stan, I'm just saying. Wendy's great, you could give her a little more attention."
"Far as I'm concerned, no one's greater 'n you, Kyle."
Thanking God that it was dark outside and Stan couldn't see his flustered face, Kyle replied, "I know, but you don't have to spend every second with me."
"Yeah, yeah," Stan sighed as they reached his house. Leaving him for a moment, Kyle took the key from under the welcome mat and unlocked the door. The two silently snuck upstairs, taking extra caution when they pass Stan's parent's room. Randy probably wouldn't care that Stan was at a party, but Sharon was a different story. Entering his bedroom, Kyle let Stan sink onto his bed, before sitting down beside him. Stan rolled over to stare at Kyle, who was staring out the window at the moon, now high in the sky, and wondering what exactly he did to deserve this.
"Dammit, why do I always screw things up between me and Wendy?" He murmured. Kyle glanced at him before looking away again.
"I don't know, man. You're just not good with girls."
As if those words were a trigger, before Kyle knew what was happening, Stan had grabbed his neck and shoulders and pulled him down next to him. He leaned in, eyes closed, and then the two were kissing. Kyle's eyes widened as his mind slowly registered what was happening. The warmth he felt almost immediately after, the fuzzy feeling in his chest, was enough to make his knees go weak, and he thanked God he was sitting down. When Stan pulled away, his eyes remained closed, a sleepy look crossing his face.
"'M good with you, though," He muttered before his breathing evened into a restful sleep. Kyle opened his mouth, but no words came out and his face slowly heated up, turning what he was sure was a color as bright as his goddamn hair. It didn't take much internal debating for Kyle to decide what to do next. He ran. He didn't care if he woke up Randy and Sharon, he just wanted out of that house. But of course, the two of them just had to be next-door neighbors. Not wanting to go home just yet, he ran and ran until he thought he might drop from exhaustion. Reaching Stark's Pond, he collapsed onto one of the benches, head in his hands, trying to make sense of what had just happened.
The sound of feet crunching through the snow alerted him, and he raised his head to see Kenny approaching him. The blonde noticed him staring and waved, a tired smile wearing thin on his face.
"Yo," he said, sitting down next to Kyle. "I saw you tearing down the street past Clyde's house like a bat out of Hell, man. What happened?"
"N-Nothing," Kyle responded, shifting to look straight ahead again. "What makes you say that?" he asked indignantly.
"Oh, I dunno, maybe the look on your face?" Kenny scoffed. "You look happy, depressed, angry and pissed all at the same time. Something had to have happened. And since I've known you for literally all our lives, I'd say it has to do with Stan."
"I already said it's nothing," Kyle snapped. "Why're you even here? Thought you were living it up with the free booze and the fist fight."
"You're a terrible liar, know that Kyle?" When it was clear he wasn't getting any more clarification at the moment, Kenny sighed and said, "The party kinda died down after you two left. Cartman passed out after I finished beating him and - get this - Wendy took him home. Cartman and Wendy. Wonder what's happenin' there. And a buncha people kinda passed out. I bailed before Clyde started asking people to help him get those losers out of his house."
"What, you let him do all that himself? After all that free liquor?"
"It's his party, man. Gotta be prepared for the consequences. And nah, Craig and Token'll help him. They always do. Maybe Tweek'll even pitch in, who knows. Stranger things have happened."
"…You have a point."
"Okay, now I'm sure something happened. What's up."
"I'm not sure if I should tell you…" Kyle finally replied honestly.
"What, you don't trust me yet? After ten years of friendship?"
"It's not that, I'm… I'm scared you'll laugh at me."
"No way, man. I won't do that. Promise." Kyle studied Kenny's face for any sign that he was lying and found none. And honestly, it was Kenny. For all his character flaws, Kyle knew he was a good guy. He was also probably his best bet for any advice with this clusterfuck of a night. Sighing, he told Kenny everything. From the day Stan called him his super best friend and Kyle felt a weird fluttery feeling to what happened right after the party.
"-and that's when I ran off. And I don't know what I'm supposed to think."
Kenny thought for a few moments silently before placing his hand on Kyle's back. "I wouldn't worry too much. If you stress over this, Stan'll get worried too. Just wait and see what he said tomorrow, kay?"
"...So you're not surprised? At anything?"
"Maybe people who don't know you well, or people like Cartman who don't give two shits, haven't noticed, but I've been friends with you guys ages now. Literally our whole lives, 'member?" he repeated with a grin. "I've seen the way you look at him when you think no one's watching."
"Oh god," Kyle moaned, pulling his ushanka further onto his head. "I'm that obvious?"
"Like I said," Kenny laughed. "Only because I've been with you guys for years."
That night, Kenny sat next to him in silence until the sun started to peek over the horizon. When Kyle was finally ready to go home, they walked back in complete, comfortable silence. Promising to come over before Stan did, Kenny waved goodbye as Kyle entered his house, before turning to cross the railroad tracks back to his own home.
As Kyle climbed the stairs to his room, ignoring his mother's angry cries about him being out all night, his feet felt like lead. 'Don't think about it.' Those words played over and over in his head, and as he fell onto his bed and let blissful sleep take him over, he tried to do just that.
Later that day, true to his word, Kenny appeared in Kyle's room and proceeded to wake him up by throwing a stuffed dinosaur he had sitting in his closet at his face. Groaning, Kyle rolled over and blinked at the bright sunlight pouring in from the blind.
"Get up, dude," Kenny said, plopping down on Kyle's bed. "Stan'll be here any second."
"What makes you say that?" Kyle groaned, wishing he could have a few more hours of sleep.
"I saw him leave his house just as I came in."
"What?!" That was all Kyle had time to say before the door opened and Stan walked into the room, holding the back of his head, dark rings under his eyes, skin pallid and clammy.
"Damn, I feel like shit," he muttered, falling into Kyle's desk chair. "Hey Kenny." Kenny waved back as Kyle did his best to collect his sleep-addled thoughts. Thinking better of bringing it up right now, Kyle answered with something along the lines of 'Don't drink so much next time.' The three boys spent the rest of the day playing xbox and eating cheesy poofs while laughing over how crappy Cartman and everyone else probably looked today. Mostly Cartman though.
"We beat him so bad," Stan laughed, and Kenny nodded in agreement.
"But seriously, man, him and Wendy! Wendy! I still can't believe it!"
"Neither can I." Stan murmured back, looking away. Kenny, realizing what he just said, patted Stan's shoulder.
"Sorry man. I'm sure it's nothing. This is the fatass we're talking about."
"True," Stan agreed but he didn't look like he really believed it. Smiling sadly, he said, "Anyway, I gotta get going guys. My dad wants me to go fishing with him today."
"Gross," Kenny replied. "Bet you catch nothing.
"Why take that bet when you're right," Stan said, getting up and stretching. Kyle, realizing he was about to miss his chance, got up as well.
"H-Hey Stan," he said, grabbing his friend's sleeve awkwardly and hoping his voice wouldn't crack. "S-Speaking of last night," he cleared his throat, trying to suppress the butterflies in his stomach for just a minute. "About the…" he trailed off, hoping Stan got the picture. However, the brunette only stared back at him in confusion.
"What about last night? Last thing I remember was punching Cartman and everything was a blur after that." Kyle's eyes widened and his face paled.
"S-So you don't remember about me taking you home or anything?"
"No, but thanks for that. I figured you were the one to do it." Noticing Kyle's pallor, Stan quickly added, "Why, did something happen? Did I do something?"
"N-No, no, nothing happened. I was just… just wondering how much you remembered. Since you said you wanted to forget it all and get drunk. " Kyle forced out a nervous laugh that he hoped sounds convincing. Feeling like he was gonna cry, he pushed Stan to the door. "Hurry up, dude. Wouldn't want to make Randy wait. You know how he is."
"Heh, yeah. See you guys tomorrow or something." He waved and then the door shut behind him. Kyle locked it quickly and sunk to the ground, all strength leaving him as he curled up into a ball, head buried in his knees. He can hear Kenny beside him in an instant, trying to comfort him, but what was the point? It wasn't Kenny's arms he wanted to be in. And Kyle couldn't help the tears that started to overflow as he realized that, while he was completely in love with Stan, Stan must feel absolutely nothing at all. Or he would have remembered something as life-changing as that kiss.