Hello everyone!
This is the prologue of a story I've wanted to make for a while now. This is not an AU, not quite a doki story and not a romance story. I hope you'll enjoy~
Disclaimer: There are mature topics, if you have issues with or are sensitive to topics such as Mental illness, social crises, or terrorist events of nature, then it is recommended to not read this.
Chapter 1: A bit of buzz
When you fall asleep, do you hear a little voice beckon you to stay awake? Do you hear that little guy in your ear talking about life, death, futility and existentialism? Of course you do, what am I talking about, we're in the millennium.. In any case, this little voice that gets you all riled up or shuts you down, it's mortifying to hear at night after a long day's work..
You're lucky though, because that voice, as annoying as it is, is the only thing you hear within your skull. You're alone up there, there's only you, your thoughts and your voiceover. For me? It's a different story. When I close my eyes deep in the dusk of night, when I shatter my fatigue through rest, or hell even when I'm wide awake in the middle day.. I hear noises. To be fair, I'm being a bit overdramatic, It's under tight control really. I take pills every day at a regular interval, and I do therapy every few days.
But people kinda get it wrong, they think I'm super dangerous or something, that I see hallucinations every time I go outside, or that I have voices in my head constantly. It's the first thing that comes to mind when I tell them I suffer from a form of schizophrenia. Most of that is total bull, of course. I usually don't see much, maybe a spider here on my hand or a feeling that someone is in a room when they aren't really there. But.. They are right about one thing. I do hear things, lots of things: Buzz, white noise, static. It's generally pretty out of place, as I hear clocks and clicks and ticks and tocks every day. Every moment of my life. When I was a kid, I assumed that's how the world worked, that it was just normal. Everyone heard static in their brains at all time, and I was entirely normal, those who didn't have a brain tuned like an outdated radio were the weird ones. Of course, it had to be me who was the weirdo, the Doc made it pretty clear.
So yeah, schizophrenic geek here, a pleasure to meet you all.
What am I doing now? I'm recounting my story, and how I became, well, Me. As far as I could remember, I was always "mentally ill". But the day things turned out for the better, or worse, was when I started practicing piano. I remember as a kid, I went to an old timey show at the bar where my dear old ma' used to work. It was a sort of spectacle where an artist was playing songs the audience asked for on a piano, switching styles and going from rock, to classical, to jazz, to even country style music (Lack of taste, I know I know.). I can remember to this very day, this feeling of amazement that gripped me to my core, shaping me in a way I had never before felt.. The music felt so real, so powerful, so strong, that there were cowboys that came from under the tables in the audience dancing on the stage and ballerinas descending through the ceiling before jumping high up in the air and dancing like a reprisal of the swan song. Fire spurted from the edge of the stage as this pianist guy hit those high notes, and then horses would go throw the fire!
It amazed me so much that I began to want to learn piano, so that these cowboys could rise up from under the tables at my own place. Yeah I know it's dumb, but you're dumb when you're a kid, you still are when you're older, but anyways. Needless to say that dear old ma' took me to see a therapist when I told her all about the cowboys, ballerinas, flames and soldiers that animated the performance.. And thus, here we were.
"Okay Momma! I'm going now!" I yelled from my room, a piece of toast jammed in my mouth. I headed downstairs to the living room and saw her laying on the couch, watching TV. "Is Jessica talking to you?" Mother asked, with a smile, although it was a really worried one. "No, I took my pills." She smiled, standing up and hugging me tightly. "Typical pills I presume?" Her perfume is one of Blueberry and motherhood, the kind that a single mother striving for her child's health and happiness would wear. "Nah, I'm trying atypical. Doctor's prescription." "Go then, and have a good day, okay sweetheart?" I nodded and fiddled around with my keys before grabbing my coat and my blue scarf.
It may have been a mistake not to call in sick that day.
So yeah, that day I went to school. It was fairly nice, having music in my ears on the way there calms my auditory hallucinations. As long as the music isn't too rhythmic, it can calm me down. I've never been the most popular kid at school however, even with therapy and pills, I seem a little "Off". It's the small things, like giving the directions to the library to someone that's not actually there, or staying alone huddled in a corner to calm my nerves during a panic attack Usually, I stay in the library or under the staircase, I've always been too fearful of others' staring, paranoia's a bitch, but I sometimes try to break through it. It's hard though.
That particular day seemed fairly normal though, the static was buzzing in my head when I was in class as if I was on the wrong frequency (I kind of am), and things seemed to be going well. I'd let others give the easy answers to 's questions, and take notes of the class. Of course, being schizophrenic in high school is quite hard, it's a "Please, bully me or pity me" sign written everywhere on myself. It was no surprise that as I was writing, I felt a paper ball hit my back. I turned around, noticing a few guys looking at me with a mildly infuriated frown shaping their lips. "Take your earphones off dick, show everyone some respect instead of thinking that you're too good for us." Honestly, that was on me. I'm not really allowed to keep my earphones off during class, but I damn well know nobody's going to bust my balls if I keep them on. It helps soothe my mind when I stress out and it passes the time, so I don't really take them off during class. I simply kept ignoring the paper balls they'd throw to catch my attention and listened to the same song on repeat.
The bell rang and class was dismissed right when Monika told me she'd leave me be for the thousandth time. I packed my things and headed outside to take a breather, exhausted by the static that played through the day. My therapist told me that school and work was always a nightmare for everyone and that, one day, it'll stop like magic. He could not have been more right really. The day that it all stopped like magic, was the day where I gained a new identity.
I headed to the music room, wanting to use the fifteen minutes break to inspect the music club. And that's when I saw her. She was crying at the window, and it felt like her sobs were on rhythm with the buzzes and clock sounds that plagued my brain. I sighed and entered the room, not paying the hallucination much attention. It wasn't the first time my brain played tricks on me after all. And my hallucinations of her were kicked into high gear each time I finished the game.
What game am I talking about you ask? Monika's game, Doki Doki Literature Club. My mom knows I hated Monika, she destroyed her friends, my friends. Monika deleted them all, including Yuri. It was heartbreaking to see the poor girl lose her sanity. I could almost see her reaching out to me, crying for help as Monika made her stab herself and die. It was most possibly, the most horrible moment I've had playing a video game. I really loved Yuri, I thought that if we met, she could maybe accept me despite my quirk. Maybe we could have been happy if she was real, who knows.
When I finished playing the game, I started seeing the devil and her big emerald eyes.. I remembered taking my pills that morning and the hallucinations became more tolerable for a while. But at the time, I was seeing Monika wherever I went. She was watching me through the living room window, she was staying right behind me on the way to school, sitting at the cafeteria table adjacent to a group of cosplay geeks. And she was now crying in the music club room. What can I say? You get what you deserve.
Thus, I didn't pay her much attention. She didn't do anything besides crying and stalking me anyway, so I figured I might as well ignore what she was doing. I remember that I sat down at the piano, sad that the beautiful instrument was stained with Monika's image. It was no longer only a symbol of joy and purity, but also of cold-blooded murder and erasure. I placed my hands on the white keys and started pressing them, getting acquainted with the instrument itself. It helped me relax, I'd imagine myself playing a song by imagine dragons, and I'd feel like a rockstar. Singing in the rain, and then I could think all about a clockwork orange. Your reality? And I think I'd think back at my condition. As a man suffering from schizophrenia I didn't have many friends that was to say if anybody really liked me at all. It wasn't their fault really, most of the time the static in my brain makes me twitchy and overall weird, and my hallucinations don't make it easier to make friends.
I pretty much live like a recluse, but I'm not lonely per se, I'm alone. I've always had a hard time explaining the difference to my mother, between being alone of your own accord, and being lonely out of other factors. Thinking back, maybe I'm a bit of both. As such, since I didn't have many friends, I wasn't worried that anyone would check up on me. I was already facing the devil as she cried out the window, so the company wasn't really an issue.
As I touched the white notes, I focused on drowning Monika's cries, drowning her tears, drowning the static in my ears, drowning the casserole pots that banged and drowning the gunshot sounds I'd hear. Drowning the vibrations I could feel course through me, drowning her pleas for help, drowning my fucked up brain.. She could howl under the spotlight, cry her demise at the seven winds. I'd still hate her. I merely focused on following a simple arrangement of notes, making a semi-harmonious melody. I closed my eyes and let my fingers run along the keyboard, making shrieking noises out of that old thing .When I closed my eyes the rhythm was nonexistent, the melody was terrible, and the notes were coming out wrong. But I still enjoyed it so much, it reminded me of all the great piano artists.
After a few minutes, I closed the lid on the piano. Heading towards the school gate, I heard something odd. A high pitched feminine voice, one that I had never heard before, asking me to fall to the ground. I smiled and shook my head in disbelief, I was truly a disabused man. Walking towards the hallway, I found myself around the corner. As I advanced towards the steps, I heard Monika rush in front of me. She blocked the way with her body, tears in her eyes. I thought about phasing through her, as she was but a mere hallucination, one that I wouldn't give power to. But then it happened:
She punched me and I fell to the ground.
Gasping for air, I placed my hands on my hurt stomach as she cried. "You idiot! Come with me before you die!" Her eyes sparkled, tears only strengthening the strength of her words. The school itself fell silent, except for a few footsteps noises coming from the far away staircase.
Monika grabbed my arm and dragged me towards the janitor closet. I felt myself tremble like a dead leaf in the autumn wind, in such a state of shock, I was staying in a closet near the devil incarnate. The footsteps grew louder and louder, before reaching a halt. Small giggles was abruptly following these footsteps and an even smaller and concealed yet manic laughter I could hear. The light coming from the small closet door's slit was dim, but I could clearly make out the shadows of two shoes belonging to a man that stood right next to the closet. The laughing man was right in front of us.
Monika placed her hand on my mouth, I did the same with hers out of reflex. We stayed silent for a while, afraid and shaking, stuck in a closet as an even more mentally disturbed person than me stood in front of us. Tears came to my eyes as I could feel the danger surrounding me, it was everywhere around, and panic was starting to take hold of me.. I could hear the sound of a safety latch being pulled off and then.. Laughter, a stronger laughter.
He stood there, for a minute or so, it was the longest minute I had ever lived back then. The light was gone as he blocked the slit coming to the closet, and after it was over and he was away, the light came back.
Monika and I stumbled out of the closet, catching our breaths and letting out quick and gulped down sobs out of stress. We looked at each other before looking in the direction of the man's footsteps. Looking back, we now knew it wasn't a school shooting... I wish things had gone another way ever since the devil and I made the choice we did. She tried to convince me not to go, not to put myself at risk for people who didn't care for me. She truly was heartless, not caring for anyone but herself and her parasitic host. Under any other circumstance I would have panicked and ran away, the buzz in my head was too loud and I felt way too weak to do anything alone. But something in my brain filled up with unbridled rage. She was a monster, but I was Human, and I would show it.
I closed my eyes and took deep shaky breaths, before sneaking my way towards the direction the man went, attempting to follow him. We could hear the screams of panicked teens and a loud gunshot. I closed my eyed and put my fear on the backseat. I think that on that day, every hallucination I'd seen was meant to protect me, to dissuade me from going there and heading head-first into trouble.. I was seeing flashes of Sayori hanging from the ceiling. Each step I took, I could hear a faint breathing passing by my right ear, an agonizing last breath she exhaled every second into my ear. Natsuki's big wide uncanny smile and broken neck were always aimed at me, I could see her on every poster hung up in the corridor, her legs battered and bruised. And you know that poem panic was playing in my mind.. and of course. Yuri was pointing towards the door where it was all occurring, blood on her chest and guts on her blue skirt. Knife marks all over her torn up arms underneath her cut up uniform...
"After you..hahaha.."
She developed this little giggle into manic laughter, and I pushed myself back against the wall, closing my eyes and trying to calm my beating heart. I needed a plan, but if I didn't head in there and do something, I'd never prove to anyone that I was Human, and that Monika was the Devil.. Natsuki and Sayori entered the classroom, giggling and skipping into it as if it was the club-room. Yuri smiled wide and entered as well, I could see her going towards the back and sitting down at a chair, not caring whether or not the shooter saw her. The students were crying as the man grumbled meaningless, manic noises.
Monika was wiping the tears off her cheeks, she opened the door and quickly slipped inside whilst the gunman in a cleaner's uniform was turned around, busy with his own delusions, before hiding under the teacher's desk. "You.. Now out of all times you have to try and be a hero.." She sighed, speaking directly into my mind as if she had known me for years. Her eyes were piercing through me even though she was out of sight, even though she was nowhere near me, I could 'feel' her disapproving glare. I nodded, after all, if that devil knew anything about me, I needed to throw her off..
She briefly peeked out the desk before telling me what was going on. The shooter was near the back of the classroom, three students were sitting down next to him, his gun pointed straight at their heads, the rest sitting down towards the wall, away from the windows. Brute force entering wouldn't work, but if somehow the man would be distracted, then I would need to find an opening and push the temporary advantage.
She smiled before looking into my eyes, nodding almost as if she could read through my thoughts. The shooter didn't even pay her any attention as she stood up at the teacher's desk and smiled at me. In one swell movement, she kicked the huge wooden desk and sent it flying at Mach 2 at the gunman, uncaring for his hostages who barely avoided being crushed by the table by rolling to the side. He immediately, freaked out upon seeing a whole desk suddenly come flying straight at his face, dodging on reflex, two bullets went flying from the barrel straight into the door I was standing next to
Monika ran towards the other side of the small room, grabbing a chair and throwing it at the window. The students yelled in fear when the poltergeist that threw a desk also began to break windows with flying chairs, the maniac was shooting his gun, I pulled my hoodie over as to blend in with the grey walls that surrounded me, drawing the least attention possible, and. I entered the room quietly among the distraction and destruction Monika caused. I gritted my teeth as Yuri's laughter kept echoing in the room. The gunshot noises would drown out every scream, and the buzz in my head was drowning out even point blank shots.
Monika jumped atop one of the tables before pushing chairs over, bullets flying ever so closer to her face. And then it happened.
He ran out of ammo
I jumped from over the table closest to him on the last row and landed a weak punch at his face, stumbling forward as my center of balance was thrown off. He muttered something before grabbing my fist, hitting me in the head as he dropped the gun. Monika grabbed it and threw it out the window, soon yelling
"Dodge right! Block! Punch! Duck! Get back!"
Her instructions I followed. He threw a fist at me, I dodged right. And then his torso started spinning, it's a roundhouse kick to the chest! I blocked it with my forearms, before punching his nose as the blow landed on my elbows. He lost his balance backwards and threw a wild haymaker, I ducked as he made a circular punch towards my face. I jumped backward, and as he stepped forward, one of the students tackled him. He was soon overpowered by the class, beaten and bruised as the dokis laughed.
The voices and noises grew louder, and I couldn't stand it. I ran away, Monika following suit as Yuri and her hyper-realistic eyes followed me through the school grounds.
I ran as far as my legs could carry me, crying and yelling out of stress and dismay at what just happened. My fists were bruised, my face was hurt, my heart felt like it was about to burst.. And Monika had opened saved my life. The devil had opened a door, thrown a chair through a window, a desk at a terrorist, kicked a gun out of his hands, and knocked tables over. I drowned in panic as the girl started talking to me, the words being barely more coherent than a jumbled mess of letter soup. It felt like she was more than real, but less than hallucinatory, one question remained..
"Monika. What... What are you?" My frail mind asked, fearing the answer. No matter the amount of rationalization, it all felt straight out of a comic book. An origins story.. "What am I? I'm.. I'm Human. A Human, I'm a real person, one that was stuck in the game!"
If I had enough energy, my jaw would have dropped. Instead, my back slumped against a wall as I could feel the passivity take control of my entire self. That day was when I realized something was inherently wrong with me... And it was the day when I realized wrongs, can make rights
Slouched in a back alley, hoodie over my face, Monika yelling at me to stay awake, I fell unconscious. The voices were so loud, and I was exhausted. Little did I know, my burden would be more horrific than what I or anyone could have anticipated..