Sonik Hedge 1: Rise of Robutnik
Chapter 1: Green Hill Zone Act 1 (1/3)
One day Sonik, when suddenly Robustdik. He came all over in his floating wheelchair.
"son," said Robut. "I'm fucking pissed as a shitter. I'm gonna turn these critter fucks into robots. You can't stop me. HAHAHAHAHA!"
"Ok Boomer," Sonik the Edge replied.
"FOKC!" Robut was mad. He flyed away in his wheelchair, but he had a big shit before he did. It went to Sonik's feet and he said "Ew!"
He runned across the green hills to get rid of the shit on his shoes. They were really green. "Oh yeah, running is favorite!" he shouted. Brown trails flowed from him. Running was freedom. But not even his feet could outrun his crippling suicidal tendencies.
SOnik was appressed by the world. His favorite movei was "Joker" with Walking Pheenix. All he thot about was how much sad he had and how he could never get it out. But that was okay, cuz he did coke to numb the pain (that why he's the fastest thing alive).
Using speed, he jumped around on all the green. When he found out that yeah, Orbit did the thing. There were robts everywhere he saw. Bug fish jumping out the fuckin waterand shit. Some ladybugs but they had rollerblades instead of legs. Soni give a thumb up to the camera. "Ha, looks like I'm gona have to smash!"
He runned bigly across the field. "Okay, here I cum!" Sonic wasn't kidding either. He cummed onto the robots as blue as he could, rolling like a madman. His heady sspikes hit the bug, and itt blowed up like 9/11. "Don't fuck me!" Sonik shouted as he cummed on a fish. The thing blew, big smoke rising up as if it were some kind of terrorist attack (okay, ill stop with the whole muslim tthing).
"Robut's gonna pay for this!" Sonik was determined to make that fat old lard give his comeuppants for what he did to his animal friends. Well, not really friends, they were good tho. Sonc may have wanted to end his life, but tha didn't mean other craturs had to suffer.
B ut it wasn't over yet. Sonik found out there wasa big fish at the end of the road. He was near a lake, pretty big and shiny, and big fish was in there. Every robot till this had a baby bird or gopher or fuckin whatever in it, so sans wasn't so sure how much his fish had in him. But where was fish?
He loked at the waater, waittng for the fish tto get it. "Oh man," ssonik cried, "where's tthat big red mottherfucker?"
Seddenly, with no remorse, the fish jumped into the sky like a torpedo. Sonik looked up and said his catchphrase for when everything went bad: "OH FUCK!"
Fish blocked out the sun. He was bigger than Nemo. Bigger than Jawss. Big as a Mastodon. Fish was gonna cum into Sonik without saying no homo first. Sonik wasn't gonna let that happen.
He jump like a jackass, flipping in the sky and flipping off the fish . "No cum for me, thank you!" Sonik wass gonna un-gay this big flipper, even if it cot him life. "Not like I've been living anyway!"
His foot hit ther fush in jawspring. Giving it asend to see if ti was alright, the fish joomped into the atompshere. "CALIGULA!" it shooted.
"What's that opposed to mean?" Sonik contoured.
"CALIGULA!" the fish shouted like a loud. "AHHHHHHHH"
Then Sanik noticed what was wrapped around his head. A Turban!
"Well, you know wha they say; Don't feed a fish pork!" Sonik was right. Fish shouldn't eat pig, that's nasty.
The fish it turnds out was part of the Muslim Brotherhood. His father had been killed in Afghanistan, so he let Buttduck give him a small animal to trap inside him. He told sonny this through telepoothy, and also how Robut seemed big in the pants seeing an animal inside him.
"Wow, I didn't need to know that," Sonic said.
"Yeah, I know, it was pretty disgusting," fish reply. "Ok, im gonna kill u now."
"Ok. Wait!"
But fish was to bigg to wait. It jump sonic in the mouth. Sonic shout ,"NOO" and runned at fish with all his might. There ws still a lit bit of cocaine in his system, just enpogh to finish this mig botherfucker off once and for good.
Son got up and. Jump-kicked this bitch fish. He was saprised, but not much. He flipped his tial and batched sonic at the wall. He felled into it, going down big time. His body jumped down and hit the floor with a bang. "Damn," sunic mustard. "There's too much Jihad in him."
"CALIGULA!" The fish was charge, reday to kill Sojink till he died.
"Not so fast!" Son was feeling the coke leave him, but now he stood up. "I wanna die bitch-hole!" He sounded up. "So go ahead! Cum!"
The fish came up, but it was only on the edge. Sonik did a big jump up, and smashed down on it. The fish'd skull squished like a grape in teeth. Fish went kurplunk into the water. Then it blowed up, bombing the water like it wanted to all long.
"My brothers," the fish whispered to its head. "I am gong to the Kingdom of Haven for you. My virgins wait for me!"
Fish explorded. Sonic was launched back at the wall. "Awshit," he said. Hiss vision was getting foggy, because he was tired and the cocaine was all gone. He reach back and stuffed a hand in his asshole, finglered it to try and see if he had any leftover nose candy. But it waass goon.
"Fok," ssunicu felled tot the fluoride. "I need my coke," he wshipers. "I wanna die."
Now Sonik really did feel like the Joker.
"Hol' up!"
SSon jumped, recognizing that voice. It was one he had in high school, and college before he got kicked out for…well, that would spoil story, now, won't it?
"Who tthere?" Sonik assed.
"Who you think it is foo' cracka?" The voice was all squeaky and black, like an African midget.
Sonich standed. "Aw yeah, this is happening!" He brupped , but that was okay, Now he had a reason to keep going.
Some robot parts of the Muslim fish were up on the water's surface, but in them was something godlss. It rised up to that top. A black bandana was on it hed, and sunglasess on the eyes. A big Colt Python was in his left wing.
"Sup," the figure sad. "You the bitch cracka that saved my ass?"
Then it saw who it weaas. It took off his classes slike that one scene in Jurassic pack.
"Aw shit!" the guy smiled. "It's my favorite nigga!"
Sonik nodded. "hey Tweety Bird," he said. "Got any coke?"
Tweety' face wass mad now. "Naw," he said, sshaking head and gun. "That white-ass cracka Robutnik stole my last supply. Actul, I got a lil right ere, but I know it ain't enough for your fast ass."
Tweety Bird tossed Sonic a bag of white power. Sonik put it in his nose and snuffed. "AHHHGHAAFFA!" He mitted noises of grand satisfaction. His dick got a little hard, but only for a minute, Then he was back, and ready to speed.
"Okay, Tweety," SSoic jumped up again. "We're gonna get your're coke back from Robustik, and he'll pay for what he did to all those poor aminals."
"Nigga I don't care about no animals. I just want my damn supply back!"
"And we're gonna get it! Gotta go fast!"
Son flew off on his feet, Tweetie follwin. But little they knowed tnat Robustok had stoled the cocaine for a reason…