We all pile into Baby. I glance at the rearview mirror. Jody and Cas are in the back. Cas gives me a small smile. I put the keys in the ignition. I pause as we reach the exit of the parking lot. I glance at Cas through the mirror again. He's staring back.
I'm not exactly sure when this started, but I've gotten into the habit of glancing back at Cas through the review mirror whenever he rides with us. Sometimes he notices. Sometimes he doesn't. But he always smiles whenever he does. I'm not exactly sure why I do it either. All I know is seeing him here, and seeing him smile make me happy. I know it's stupid, but it's something I can't stop myself from doing anymore. I don't think Sam has noticed yet. He's usually asleep when I drive, and Cas doesn't ride in the car with us that much anyway.
We're nearly an hour into the drive when I look back at Cas. He's staring straight ahead, but his eyes meet mine, and he smiles. I look away before I smile, too.
"Oh my god!" Jody suddenly exclaims, and Sam jerks awake beside me.
My eyes snap back up to the rearview mirror in alarm. Cas is staring at Jody with the same surprise that I am. "What?" I ask.
"Are we not gonna talk about this?" She stares back at me, her eyes wide.
I have no fucking clue what she's talking about. "About what?"
"The sexual tension between you and Castiel!"
I nearly drive off the road. I hear Sam make a choking sound.
"What?" Cas asks.
She turns to look at him. "What do you mean 'what'? You two have been giving each other the look for the past hour!"
"I don't understand," Cas answers. He looks up to me for an explanation.
My cheeks are burning, and I turn my full attention to the road. "That wasn't—I don't—we weren't—"
"Oh, don't lie to me, Dean," Jody says, interrupting my very well-spoken argument.
"There's no sexual tension," I grumble. I hope it sounds angry, but I have a feeling it doesn't.
I never wanted to have this conversation. I never planned on having this conversation. This…this thing between me and Cas doesn't exist. There is no thing. Jody is reading way too into it.
"Can I get some help here, Sam?" she asks in exasperation.
Sam clears his throat nervously. "Uh, well…"
You've got to be kidding me.
I glare at him. "If you have something to say, say it."
"She's not totally wrong, Dean," he says quietly. At least the little shit looks scared.
"She is," I reply quickly. "There is no…no sexual tension between me and Cas. Right, Cas?"
He doesn't answer me, so I glance up at the mirror to him. He's staring intently out of the window, and his cheeks are super red. Too red to be innocent. Oh, fuck.
"Cas?" I can't tell if my question is frustrated, embarrassed, or hopeful. Maybe it's all of those things.
"Um, yes, Dean," he begins quietly and barely meets my gaze. "There's no sexual tension between us," he says then quickly looks out the window again.
He's always been a terrible liar. I swallow down the lump forming in my throat and force myself to breathe. I cannot let myself jump to conclusions. There is something between me and Cas, I'm not blind. …I mean, I had my suspicions sometimes, but I never… He's a fucking angel! No angel would have a thing for me!
"Shit," I say. I have feelings for Cas. Romantic feelings for Cas. And Cas has romantic feelings for me. "Shit," I say again as the realization hits home. I never expected my feelings for him to actually go anywhere, let alone for him to feel that way about me.
"You really didn't know?" Jody asks softly from the back.
I don't know what's she's talking about again, and now I'm too flustered to try and think about what she means. "Know what?" My cheeks are still burning, and I refuse to take my eyes off the road.
"That he likes you too."
And her just saying it like it's the most obvious thing in the world breaks something inside me. Something that has been keeping me in denial for years about Cas. The part of me that always reassures me that he's just a friend, and the way I feel about him is just because I've had a long day or I am just tired or I just need to get laid or…or whatever excuse I can find. And Jody just broke it.
"Dean?" Sam asks me quietly. "Are you okay?"
I cannot be having this crisis right now. We are on our way to a Hunt. I need to pull my shit together. "Yeah, I'm fine," I reply.
"You pulled over."
I blink. I didn't even realize I did that. "I think I need a minute."
I see Sam glance behind me in my peripheral vision. He gets out of the car, and I hear one of the doors in the back close, too. Cas didn't leave, did he? I mean, I wouldn't blame him if he did. I flick my gaze to the rearview mirror, my hands still holding onto the steering wheel with a death grip. Cas is staring back at me.
"So, uh…" I start. What the fuck am I supposed to say? I take a deep breath and slide my hands off the wheel. I wipe them off on my jeans and look at the mirror again. He's still looking at me. "Cas, you gotta say something!"
"Like what, Dean?" There's an edge to his voice. "That I've been in love with you for years and thought you'd never see me as something more than a friend?"
Holy shit. He just said that he's in love with me. Now I'm panicking. It's hard to breathe. My mouth is dry. All I can do is stare at Cas while my mind is screaming, You have to say something to him, goddammit!
"Oh, uh, me too," is all I manage. It's true, but it's all I can say. It's like I'm drunk. Everything is happening way too fast for me to process.
"Now what?" he asks.
I can't help but laugh. "I have no fucking idea."
I take a chance and look in the mirror again. He's smiling. But this smile is different. It's bigger than the others.
And this time I smile back.