(Fixed a problem with the text code, thanks to anon for letting me know!)

When Takizawa went missing during a raid on aogiri, he was counted with the dead. The CCG sent his parents some money for the funeral, and his coworkers attended. Apologies were given to his mother, a few words were said by Amon, and Hide lingered the next few days at the lunch table he used to sit at with him whenever they were on break. It's just what happens when you work to rid the world of ghouls, it's just the sacrifices those brave people make. It would have been easier if death was the case, it would have hurt his friends and family, but it would have been expected.

But Takizawa is alive in a horrible state.

And for some reason. Some lucky, terrible, heavenly reason, his friend thought to consider it. For some reason, Hideyoshi went to ask the manager at the local cafe if there was any way he might still be alive. The CCG never found his body after all, and if he'd been eaten, why would the ghouls leave behind his arm?

—

Curled in the corner of a filthy room, wrapped in the single ratty blanket that served as any shelter, the man wept silently. The concrete walls and floor were stained with blood, both his and countless others, the most recent stains in the middle of the floor. He makes a little whimper, then swallows hard to silence it, any noise could goad his captors into adding to his suffering, Dr. Kanou had them coming in at all hours to keep him on his toes. It's been… how long has it been since he woke up in this hell? How long has it been since "starting today, you are a ghoul?" There was no way to keep track of time in this rot-smelling room, there was no way to focus on anything but pain and discomfort.

Seidou clutched at his belly, not yet fully healed closed. The doctor used a chainsaw, a fucking chainsaw. It was all a blur, he couldn't remember how he managed to drag himself from that spot in the middle of the room to the corner he slept in. The sound of footsteps passing the locked door made him bite his own tongue to stop another pitiful noise. I can't do it I can't do it I can't take this anymore His mind screamed, his eyes burning with tears at the thought of someone coming in right now and kicking him around. What he wanted, what he needed, didn't matter to these people. The man's Crying and begging for any mercy was never acknowledged, the doctor always kept going. He was never shown any humanity…. Why would he be? These people aren't humans, now neither is he.

Takizawa used to fantasize about escape, about running away and going home, he wanted nothing more than to see his mom again. That was some amount of time ago, but he's since learned three things. There is no escape, what he wants doesn't matter, and even if he got out of here, his family would be horrified by him. A shudder wracks his body, forcing him to whine with pain. It says something about how he's been treated that being cut open with a chainsaw wasn't the worst he's been through, at least this time it wasn't his eyes or his genitals, even though they grew back quicker those always hurt the most. At least this time he'd been left alone once it was done, it was always harder when they demanded he release his kagune to test his new rc pathways. At least this time he could drag his living corpse to the blanket.

But this time, they'd also forced chunks of meat into his mouth, then held his jaw shut until he swallowed. He didn't want to think about it, he didn't want to think about it. But he thought about it. It may have been someone he worked with. Seidou prayed to whatever was listening that the human they made him eat was a terrible person with no one who would miss them, the idea that his barely grown back stomach was filled with someone's family member made him want to throw up, though he couldn't if he tried. His arms were too weak to make himself puke, and this awful thing that used to be his body was gleefully digesting it. He swallowed, mouth dry besides his own bleeding gums. Whatever punishment asking for water would bring him wasn't worth it.

It's the little things he lets himself dream about now. The half-ghoul wishes for a glass of water, for a meal that wasn't human, for the glaring lights to turn down, for privacy, for something to wear. Most of all, he wished for a shower. Every surface in this place is caked with blood or puke or some other bodily fluid, and so is he. The blanket and his underwear crackle when they're dry, but they're the only things he has to cover himself with in this cold, damp room. He wondered how much more he could take, or rather, would be forced to take. He'd long surpassed his threshold for pain, both emotionally and physically, humanity lost along with the countless gallons of blood splattered from him, and didn't know what was left. If he was ever presented with a mirror again, could he look in?

Just then, the hair on the back of his neck stood up as the door opened, the sound of the metal scraping the concrete floor alerting him of someone entering. It's futile, he knows, as he pulls the blanket tighter around him. There's no point in playing dead now is there? He stops biting his tongue and sobs openly, hics and whines fill the bloody room as he pointlessly pleads.

"Please...please don't!" That's all he has to say, just 'don't', anything they could have planned is beyond intolerable, but he keeps going, no other outlet for his terror.

"Please don't touch me... don't hurt me! I-I haven't healed I still can't move it hurts! Please please-!"

The words end in a shaky sob, he really has no reason to beg, he has no dignity to preserve or way to stop them. Whoever entered the room hasn't hurt him yet, whatever they have planned looms over him like a knife against his throat. Over his own strained crying, he barely hears a whispered voice.

"Seidou Takizawa? Are you seidou Takizawa?" The person, a woman asks, voice low. The injured man doesn't answer, continuing to quiver as he anticipated harm. Without warning, the blanket is grabbed and ripped away, Seidou cries out in fear and shock from the sudden exposure, then continues cowering. A hand firmly grasps his jaw, yanking his head up to be examined. Unlike his other tormentors, the woman is wearing a simple green mask, as is another person standing beside her. Mind hazy with terror, pain, and adrenaline, he tries again to plead.

"Let go of me! Don't touch me!" Seidou cried, pawing helplessly at the hand holding his face, but he is disregarded.

"Doesn't look like him," the woman comments flatly.

"No," the other disagrees. "Look." The second ghoul takes a folded paper from their jacket pocket and opens it up, showing the woman.

"Looks nothing like him, that man is blonde."

"Are you stupid? We're here for the other one."

"The other one has brown hair."

"Hair color can change! Idiot!" The ghoul turns to the wounded half-ghoul and shows him the paper.

"You. Is this you?"

It takes several seconds for Takizawa to quiet his panic just enough to reason that if he does what they want they may hurt him less, so he looks at the paper, and his blood runs cold.

It's a picture, he remembered when it was taken. Hideyoshi had grabbed him in a headlock and taken a selfie, his smile now in the center of the printed out image of the two of them. Where did they get this?

Slowly, dreading what this meant for him and his friend, he nods. Apparently that's what they wanted, because the woman lets go of his face, instead grabbing a radio from her belt. She pressed a button and spoke into it.

"Kanae, kanae come in."

Another voice from the other side came through with a thick German accent.

"Did you find the mark?"

"We've got him, we're on our way. He looks injured though."

"Just knock him out and carry the thing," the voice in the radio commanded. Seidou wasn't sure whether to be afraid or glad that he was going to be blacked out for a little while, at least it meant he may have some time to heal before his next round of torture. He looked up at the masked ghouls with pleading eyes, what he was pleading for, he didn't know. The woman shrugged, placed her radio back on her belt, and reared her arm back. The half-ghoul tried to curl back up, but before he could, the woman's koukaku had been summoned, and she bashed the dull side of it against his head.

The force made the edges of his vision go white, the blow making his forehead bleed and his stomach wound flare up. He didn't have the strength to fight back, and he slipped unceremoniously into unconsciousness. In the blackness of concussed sleep, the man could only hope that these people would give him a few seconds of peace.

—

Seidou wakes up with a start, twitching violently as he's torn from his rest with an aching body. He was expecting to be tied to a chair or strapped to a table somewhere in the concrete labyrinth, but instead found himself wrapped in darkness with his hands tied behind his back. Had the lights finally been shut off? Did they pluck out his eyes again? He blinked, and found that there was a blindfold over his eyes. The regular panic that thrums through him at all times restarts, heartbeat quickening and breathing shallowly. Underneath him, he feels something new against his skin, hard but not concrete. It's more metallic, and cold, like he hadn't been laying on it long. Had he been taken out of the room? How long has it been since he left that room? There's faint voices that he can't make out coming from the other side of a thin metal wall. One seems… familiar. The flinches when he hears a car door sliding open right in front of his face.

"This is him, yes?" The German, Kanae he remembers, asks.

"Holy shit… yeah," says the familiar male voice. "What happened to him?" A warm hand gently touches his shoulder, but Takizawa yelps and scrambles back, blindly fleeing whoever had reached for him.

"Don't know. Had my people knock him out. You said he was human but that doesn't look right. Were you testing us or did you not know?"

"I… what? He works for the ccg! How is he not human?"

"Don't know. Doesn't matter to me. As long as you pay Mr. Tsukiyama what he was promised he's yours."

Payment? Mr. Tsukiyama? Who is this? The uncertainty made him even more afraid of these faceless people's intentions.

"Uh-yeah, here." The cowering man hears the sound of a plastic bag rustling as it's passed to Kanae.

"Very well, take him."

"Thank you sir! Tell Shuu I said thanks!"

The care shakes as the familiar man climbs into it, but that familiarity alone isn't enough to quell Takizawa's terror. He pulled his knees to his chest and turned his face to the side, pushing himself against the wall to make himself small.

"Please don't hurt me… please…" he whispered, begging pointlessly with shaking breaths.

"Seidou… it's me," the voice speaks softly. "I'm gonna take off your blindfold."

The half-ghoul whimpers when he feels the knot being undone, his eyes are wide as it's slid off, and his vision refocuses to see the boy in front of him.

Of all the people he'd idolized as noble, all the investigators he thought could save him, the idiot he ate lunch with was never one of them. He blinked several times in disbelief, at first thinking this was some pain induced hallucination, but realizing that he's really here.

"Hideyoshi?"

The blonde smiled at the recognition.

"Seidou!" He shouted, hugging him excitedly despite the filth he was covered in. That act of affection made the half-ghoul yelp. Though he may know that this is his friend, he'd gotten too used to violence. The human must have noticed his misplaced fear, because he let go of him.

"Sorry! I got excited, you uh, yeah I don't know what happened to you but I'm going to help and…" some recognition in his eyes makes Seidou feel that pang in his chest. He'd imagined how his friends and family would react when they saw that he was no longer human, and now the first person he'd seen in ages of suffering saw. He braced himself for disgust, he readied himself to be sent back to the bloody room he'd been taken from, but never anticipated…

"You've got a kakugan, okay, I think I understand. I know a place where you'll be safe."

The bloodied man feels more tears welling up.

"I-I didn't want this, they don't care what I want, they made me into this I swear I didn't want thi-"

"I know, I know, listen," the blonde isn't sure how to comfort him, but tries his best.

"I thought you might be alive so I and… some guys I know, paid some people to find you and look! You're alive! Aogiri tree is probably pretty pissed that we stole you so we need to get you inside, and I can explain later. But I'm not going to let them have you back okay? Do you get that?"

Takizawa nodded meekly, though he didn't believe that the human could protect him, let alone that there was even a chance that he'd escaped Dr. Kanou, he was used to going along with what was asked of him.

"...I have a boyfriend, he's like you, used to be human," Nagachika informs. The half-ghoul is taken aback. The doctor said that there were others like him, he mentioned a 'Kaneki' when he was torturing him, could that be it?

Was Hide really able to help him? At that moment, he didn't care. Anything anyone could do for him he would accept, after the hell he's been through a glass of water would seem like salvation, and now he was offered safety. That word rang through his mind, safety, when was the last time he felt safe? When was the last time he wasn't in pain? Nothing made sense, nothing about his work friend being a part of some ghoul cabal saving him from another ghoul cabal checked out, but it was something. He wanted safety, he wanted freedom from pain, he wanted to see his loved ones again.

He wanted a fucking shower.

"I… trust you," Seidou whispered, his friend smiled again.

"Let's get you cleaned up, can I untie your hands?"

The half ghoul nods, trying to keep himself from flinching again as his friend unties the rope keeping his hands behind his back. Once they're untied, the human grabs something and puts it over his shoulders, that ratty blanket. His captors must have brought it with them to cover him.

"You can borrow my clothes when we get up there, my apartment's on the second floor. Can you walk?" Hide asks. Seidou feels his belly, there's only irritated red skin where the wound used to be.

"I can."

"Let's go then," he offers a hand to help him up. The half-ghoul is slow to take it, having been trained by his captors that any touch meant pain, but too confused and desperate for a semblance of familiarity to deny it. He let his friend lead him, trembling and clutching at the dirty blanket around him, out of the van. It sped away the moment they were out, and Hide brought him to the building they were by. Walking so much felt weird, in the concrete room the most he'd done was pace around or writhe in pain, so the stairs were almost alien. When they arrived at the human's apartment, he opened the door and brought the blanket-wrapped man inside before locking it.

Warmth, he'd forgotten how cold he was. Seidou looked around, gaze darting like a frightened animal, between normal household appliances. A couch, a chair, a table, this shitty little apartment seemed decadent after his capture. What used to be normal seemed opulent, like he didn't deserve this. It didn't feel familiar anymore though, he was a monster in a place for humans.

"Bathroom's over there," Hide points to a door. "You look… pretty beat up, do you want help washing up?"

"No!" Takizawa barks. Privacy privacy privacy. Every hour of every day someone had their hands on him, taking him apart, striking him, and if a hug is enough to bring him back to that, he doesn't know what Hide helping him would do. Besides… maybe he could get some dignity back, he was remembering to be embarrassed that he was mostly naked, and the underwear he was wearing was absolutely blood soaked .

"Alright man, I'll get you some clothes, go get washed up." That was all the permission the half-ghoul needed, he stumbled to the door, rushing it and locking it behind him, then lingered with his hand on the lock. He tests the doorknob, the lock works. He's alone. He's in control of being alone.

No one can touch him, he's safe.

Seidou tries to slow his breathing, he knows the boy who's apartment he's in is a friend, so much so that he got involved with ghouls to save him. He knows this, yet just being able to force a barrier between him and the world was the most comforting thing he'd felt in god knows how long. Confident that he was alone, he finally let the blanket slip to the ground, as well as his final article of clothing. Still in shock from today's sudden freedom, he doesn't register anything outside of his body. He can't imagine any certainty in the future, but for now, he can get ages worth of blood and rc fluid off of him.

Carefully, he steps into the shower, pulling the curtain closed and sitting on the floor. Takizawa is slow to act, adrenaline having no outlet but to force his hands to shake so violently that he struggles to turn on the knobs. When he does manage to turn the shower on, he gasps at the water hitting his back, but the warmth brings him out of his haze. Leaning back into the stream, letting blood and dirt and grime drip from him and down the drain, he steadily came out of shock.

He's here, he's safe, he's free. Takizawa runs his trembling hands through his hair, greasy and filled with knots. Methodically, like he used to before having his life ripped away, he went about cleaning himself as he tried to ground his mind. Massaging some pine and citrus shampoo into his scalp, he breathed deeply, focusing on the warmth from the water. I'm not in that place, I'm safe, I'm okay, he repeated to himself.

Am I?

He rinsed the shampoo out, a clump of grey hair fell into the drain. I can't go home. He took a bar of soap, and started lathering his chest. I can't go back to work. He rubbed the suds over his arms. I've eaten people. Now down to his legs. I can't just forget the things they did to me. The mostly healed skin on his belly stung. I'm not the same, I'll never be the same. He rinsed himself off, the water on the floor was brackish from what came off of him. I'm so scared of people touching me, I'm so scared of aogiri tree finding me again, the CCG is going to kill me too now, I… don't belong anywhere.

The half-ghoul remains sitting there, mind having returned just to remember that while he may be safe from the tortures inflicted upon him, everything he'd known was foreign to him now. His family, his coworker's, they'd be horrified. He wanted help, he needed help, but if anyone found out about him they'd report him and he'd die. He doesn't know how to hunt. He can barely fight. Isn't the CCG supposed to help people? They kill ghouls, yeah, they need to to keep people safe, but now…

Is this how all ghouls feel?

Is this what he's been contributing to?

Seidou hugs his knees to his chest again, and rests his forehead on them, sobbing again. He wanted to blame someone. He could blame Dr. Kanou for torturing him, or the higher ups for sending him into battle. He could blame greed or pride, science or faith. He could blame ghouls for their existence, and humans for their inability to react acceptably to it. He could blame everyone for everything, or no one since everyone contributed.

He was just hurt. Alone, afraid, and hurt, and didn't know what to do. He cried until there was nothing left, then turned off the water. Takizawa shakily stood up, stepped out of the shower, and selected a fresh towel from where a few hung on the door. Even here in a state of despair he, just a few months ago, wouldn't have thought possible, he was grateful to be clean. His skin didn't itch with death, his body didn't smell like decay, and it was one thing that made him feel a little like a person again. The man hesitates, then looks into the mirror above the sink.

He barely recognizes the man looking back. His eyebrows had thinned, the eyes were ringed with dark circles, the left one a black and red kakugan. Most notably, his hair, once a chestnut brown, had gone completely grey. Seidou want to cry at how much he's changed, but doubted he could if he tried, there was only so much moisture his body could spare. He dried himself, lingering over a scar on his shoulder where his arm had grown back, then wrapped the towel around himself. The half-ghoul grabbed the doorknob, and had to collect himself before he unlocked it, sacrificing his barrier, and opened the door.

"Hideyoshi?" He called out weakly. The blonde appeared in the hall with some clothes in his hands, that smile still there as he spoke softly.

"Hey Seidou, I got some clothes for ya," he hands him a bundle of whatever he thought would fit.

"Are you feeling any better? I mean like not good obviously, but out of shock maybe?"

"Uh…. yeah, I'm just… clean now." That's the most he can say, that's the most important thing right now.

"Yeah! That's a start! Well take your time to change, then the bed's all yours. Is there anything I can do that'll make you feel better? Even less shifty?"

Nagachika seems unusually experienced with comforting someone who's gone through a traumatic, ghoul-related event.

"Can you tell me… what happened?"

"Of course. Well two months ago you were in that raid on aogiri tree, and everyone thought you died."

"They think I'm dead?" He clutched the clothes bundle tighter.

"I'm sorry man… they found your arm and assumed the worst. They even had a funeral for you, I went with Amon and Akira. Your family is… really taking it rough. They love you, we all do."

Takizawa scoffed, he must be recovering because the audacity has returned.

"I worked for the CCG for years, and they threw me away."

"The CCG is shit Sei," Hide insists. "I mean we care about you, your friends and family, everyone's going to be happy that you're alive."

"They can't," Takizawa's voice cracked. "Look at me I'm… im a fucking ghoul."

"But you're still Seidou!" The human states, taking the half-ghoul by surprise.

"I don't know what those fuckers told you but you are not a monster. You've been getting messed with by aogiri tree for two months so obviously you're traumatized, but you're eventually going to be okay. I get not telling Akira or Amon but your mom dude, if you'd seen her at your funeral, you'd know that she'd want you home no matter what's been done to you."

Takizawa stares at him in shock.

"I…"

"You're hurt, and you've only been safe for like two hours so it doesn't seem like it, but you'll be okay. I told you earlier that my boyfriend used to be human, he's just like you, and he would tell you that it gets better too."

"...why are you doing this?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you helping me? Why are you doing all this for me when I'm just…?"

"Because, Jesus Christ- because someone has to! I'm sorry it had to be me, I'm sorry no one else saved you sooner and that all that shit happened to you, because you didn't deserve it. I hate that fucking doctor. If this happened to you then I know it was him. I hate that these terrible people can just do things and make people like you and Kaneki suffer. So can you please let me help you?"

Tears prick at the corners of his eyes, seems there's some left after all.

"O-okay."

"I made a call while you were in the shower, there's a group of ghouls I'm friends with that will help you, and tomorrow I'm taking you to meet them. Will you go with me?"

The thought of meeting ghouls after what he's done to them in his time working for the CCG made him nervous, but if Hide got him this far he must know what he's doing.

"Okay."

"Good… I'm so sorry man, you're gonna be okay."

Seidou couldn't let himself trust everything, not after the horrors he's endured. However, a tiny glimmer of hope shone through, and it was enough to latch onto. Tomorrow he would face the ghouls he's worked to exterminate and ask for help.

But tonight, he just wanted to sleep