Because I didn't have enough angst going on in my stories... This story is another season 4 AU from episode 4/5 story. If you have been reading my stories from the beginning, this story will seem like a similar plot from my first story. However, I can assure you that this story will be very different. I feel like there are so many alternative ways you can go with that series plot. This will likely be my last story exploring a different take. It will be angsty; which I know is not surprising with me.

Thank you for reading!

See My Dreams All Die

"Suppose you're with child. What will you do then?"

"I'll kill myself."

Her fingers interlaced with one another, then unhooked, and back together over and over, as she stood staring out of the window. Time stood still. The darkest of shadows loomed over her, making it hard to do anything, even breathe.

The small clock on her bedside table dinged and she slowly glanced over to it. The stick hitting the bells back and forth, signified it was time to awake and begin her day. For a moment, she couldn't move. Her eyes just remained trained on the small clock and her ears barely registered the noise it was making. Then, with a swift movement, she headed to the clock and shut it off, but the ringing still rang in her ears.

She stepped back and sighed heavily. She had been dressed for hours. Sleep, as always, had alluded her. How she was still standing, she wasn't sure, but she also knew she didn't care.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, her eyes slowly met her own in the mirror. She didn't look there often. Looking at the woman in the mirror didn't feel real. The reflection staring back at her was not her own. Of course, she wasn't sure who she was anymore. A shell of a human. A lost soul. A broken woman.

Her hands tightened together in her lap and her nails bit into her skin. She welcomed the pain, anything to make her feel. Her eyes closed, but then she saw him. He was there every time she closed her eyes. It was why she slept so little at night. Those dark eyes always peered so deeply in her soul, ready to take the small bit that was left of her.

Quickly, she stood. She couldn't remain in her thoughts any longer. She would go downstairs and work on polishing boots, sewing, or something. Anything would be better than this.

But then her eyes caught the calendar. Her fingers inched up and fell on the date. It was then that her fingers began to tremble. She unhooked the calendar from the wall and flipped back to the previous month.

"No, no, no," she murmured. She flipped it back another month and her lower lip quivered and her head sharply shook back and forth. She dropped the calendar on the floor and pressed her hands firmly against her chest, trying to catch her breath.

Walking over to the side of her bed, she fell to her knees and connected her hands in front of her face. With more conviction than she had ever had, she fervently prayed to God above that it was all a mistake. She had to be wrong. Her hands tightened their grasp and her eyes firmly shut. Please, was all she could pray, please. It was a desperate plea.

Her body began to shake and she unclasped her hands. A lone tear fell down her cheek. She brought her hand up to cover the tear and swallowed hard. This would be it, she thought darkly. How could she ever survive this? She was already barely holding on; this would certainly throw her over the edge.

The words she had spoken to Mrs. Hughes rang through her head and it made a chill go down her spine. When she had spoken those words, she had been so resolute, so sure. She anxiously twisted her ring around her finger and a sob caught in her throat. It shouldn't belong to her anymore. She grasped at it and with slow movements, pulled it off her finger. She lifted it up to her lips and pressed a kiss against it. Her lips trembled; her world was ending.

She was going to let him go. How, she wasn't sure. She knew he would fight her on it. He would be a fool, she thought. He deserved better. He deserved someone who wasn't spoiled, ruined, or tainted. And he definitely wouldn't want her now.

She gently lifted herself up off the floor and held the ring tightly in her hand. She would tell him this week. She would have to be cruel; it was the only way to protect him, to protect his neck. Then, once the dust of that settled, she would end her life. If she was truly with the snake's child, she would have to die. She could never let John know that truth. This would be the way to protect him.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Anna," Mrs. Hughes called after the girl. She had just observed Anna rebuffing John's attempt to speak with her again. Watching Anna break her own heart over and over, broke Mrs. Hughes'. Anna paused and turned. With small, quick steps Anna made her way back to her.

Anna's eyes refused to meet Mrs. Hughes'. Mrs. Hughes saw Anna's jaw tighten, as she looked down at the floor.

"I don't know why you must be so hard on Mr. Bates," she began. Then she added, "At least you know now, there'll be no baby." It had been several weeks now, nearly a month. For sure, by now, Anna would have signs that that fear would be past.

Anna's breath caught in her throat and she shook her head. "No," she said quietly, her voice just slightly above a whisper. "I…I don't know that."

"Anna….." Mrs. Hughes suddenly felt ill. Her eyes widened and she reached out to grab Anna's hands. Before her, Anna stepped back. "You must tell John." Anna's eyes shot up to Mrs. Hughes' and her face was covered in fear.

"No," Anna replied, her head shaking. "He mustn't know."

"Anna, there must be a chance it is his," Mrs. Hughes felt completely out of her depth. Once more, she attempted to take Anna's hands within her own. This time Anna allowed it. Mrs. Hughes noted how Anna's hands were trembling in hers.

"It…it's not," Anna quietly replied. A lone tear slide down Anna's cheek and followed the curve of her jaw.

"But certainly there's a chance," Mrs. Hughes tried, again. Anna jerked her hands away from hers.

"There's not. I….I had been tracking. We hadn't been able to…." Her words paused. "It…it doesn't matter."

"Mr. Bates loves you, Anna. You have to tell him," Mrs. Hughes pleaded with the girl. Anna's shoulders tightened and she bit down on her lower lip to stop its trembling. "He will be there for you; you'll need him."

"Don't worry about me, Mrs. Hughes," Anna's voice was eerily calm. "I won't be here much longer." Then she turned on her heel and continued back down the hallway.

Mrs. Hughes felt her heart fall in her chest. Certainly, she just meant she was going to turn in her notice, right? But she had a horrible tightness in the pit of her stomach that told her it was darker than that. The words they had spoken a few weeks ago echoed in her head.

"I'll kill myself."

To be continued...