Chapter 1
Warnings: violence, incest, strong language, self-harm, attempted suicide, death of non-major characters, and copious amounts of sarcasm.
Sasuke
Heavy drops of rain washed over me, soaking through my new suit and turning the freshly turned soil into rivers of mud. A group of solemn faced men lowered the coffin into the ground as I stood beside my brother and father, unable to breathe. The emptiness washed over me, leaving nothing but an aching void in place of my heart. My mother was gone. I would never see her warm smile, would never hear her soft voice and gentle laughter…
I was alone.
My father had eyes only for my brother, Itachi. No matter how hard I tried, nothing I did was ever good enough for him. I could never compare to my perfect brother. And Itachi may have cared once, but it had been years since he had spared me more than a passing glance. When I was a kid, I loved him more than anything. I thought he loved me too, but the brother from my childhood faded away years ago and left me behind. Now he was nothing but a hard shell of who he used to be, and my heart broke a little more every time he turned away from me without a word.
For years, my mother had kept me together despite it all, but then she got sick. These last eight months had been hell, forced to watch helplessly as her life drained away, the light in her eyes slowly dimming as she lay in the hospital, until one day it faded completely. Tears welled in my eyes and I bit down on the inside of my cheek to keep them in. I didn't want to cry. I promised her I would stay strong, but I had nothing left. I needed her. I was breaking apart and there was nothing left to hold me together.
Then the rain around me stopped and a warm arm wrapped around my shoulders. I looked up and my eyes widened. Itachi stood above me holding an umbrella, and for the first time in years, his dark eyes were focused on me. His mask of perfection was cracked, and for a moment I caught sight of grief almost as deep as my own. He pulled me into a tight hug.
I went rigid. "What are you…?"
"Shh, I'm here," he said, rubbing his hand in slow circles against my back. As he held me, the tension drained from my body. Tears spilled down my cheeks. "Otouto," he whispered. "I'm here for you."
I clung to his suit, crying freely. With his arms around me I could breathe, at least a little. The future looked a bit less dark. He kept holding me as the coffin disappeared under layers of dirt, and for the first time since mom got sick, I felt warm and safe.
When the service ended, he stepped back. "Time to go, Sasuke," he said, and there was actual tenderness in his voice. If he was with me, maybe, maybe I could get through this. I turned my head for one last teary eyed look at the headstone.
In memory of
Mikoto Uchiha
beloved wife and mother
forever in our hearts
When we reached the parking lot, Itachi pushed me after my father without another word. He climbed into his own car and drove off as I stared after him. My heart sank, but I'd see him at home. If this… whatever it was lasted. If he didn't go right back to ignoring me. I didn't think I could stand it if he did.
My father rolled the window of his car down. "We're leaving," he said. I climbed into the back seat, not really wanting to sit next to him. Not when he hadn't shed a single tear or showed any sign of emotion other than indifference since mom died.
When we pulled up at home Itachi wasn't back yet, so I went straight up to my room. My father ignored me as usual, walking calmly into his study. I knew running a company was difficult, but I never saw him do anything other than work, and that hadn't changed since mom died. He offered no words of comfort, hardly even looked at me. Maybe he'd loved my mother once, but he certainly didn't anymore. And he'd never loved me.
I peeled off my soaked funeral attire piece by piece, then pulled open my drawer. I winced at the mess of crumpled clothing and started the tedious process of looking for one black shirt in a sea of other black shirts. Eventually, I pulled out one with a gray skull on the front, along with black jeans and a studded belt. I quickly deemed finding a matching pair of socks a lost cause, settling for two that were both black and at least similar.
My mom had not been fond of my recent fashion choices, but my dad had been downright pissed. At least he'd looked at me long enough to chew me out, although it didn't take long for him to give up. Now he just shot me the occasional dark look. Parenting at it's finest.
I pulled on the clothes and retraced my thin coating of eyeliner before stopping to stare at my reflection in the mirror. I hated it. My bloodshot eyes were puffy from crying and hung with dark circles. And then there were the scars peeking out the bottom of my sleeves. I ran my fingers over the thin red and white lines, wincing slightly at the lingering soreness from a few of the more recent ones. What Itachi had been thinking? I hardly deserved his comforting.
Then again, it was probably just out of respect to our mother. Why else would he have looked at me now when he hadn't in years? I turned away from the mirror and tugged my sleeves farther down. Despite everything, I couldn't help but hope his actions meant more than that.
I flopped onto my bed and pulled out my phone. I hoped music would be enough of a distraction, but it really wasn't. My thoughts kept drifting back to mom and Itachi. Eventually I gave up and tugged my earphones out, just lying on my bed and trying not to cry.
Footsteps squeaked on the stairs and disappeared down the hallway. It was far too early for my father to leave his study, so Itachi must finally be back. A sliver of hope rose in my chest, although it was almost drowned out by anxiety. Whatever he was thinking, I needed to talk to him.
Even though he still lived here, it had been years since he last spoke to me. He said nothing when our mother got sick, or the night she died- what could possibly have been different about today? If he was just going to go back to ignoring me, I wasn't sure I wanted to know. But if he wasn't… I took a deep breath and stood up.
My brother's room was on the opposite end of our house. It used to be right next to mine, but he moved it a couple years ago, probably to get away from me. I hadn't been down there since.
My heart beat loudly in my chest as I made my way through the long hallways to his room. I picked at the sleeves of my shirt. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but seeing him today, feeling his arms around me- it reminded me of how nice it was when he cared, how safe he made me feel. I reached out and knocked softly.
"Aniki?" I called. I hadn't used that term in years, but right now I needed my older brother.
After a moment I heard his voice, "What is it?" He sounded slightly annoyed. I frowned and pushed the door open. He remained bent over his desk, focused on his work.
"Itachi," I said, louder.
He spun his chair around to face me and his dark eyes met mine. His hair was out of its usual pony and draped over his shoulders. His eyes were slightly shadowed, but he still managed to look perfect.
"I have work to do."
I rubbed my neck and looked down. "I know, but can we maybe talk or something? I miss you."
He sighed. "You shouldn't be here, Sasuke."
I took a breath. "Yes, but-"
"I don't want you here."
A lump formed in my throat as my heart sank. "You really don't give a shit about me do you." My voice cracked. I was such an idiot for wanting anything from him, but I couldn't help it.
For a moment I thought I saw his eyes soften, but then he spoke. "This is getting tedious Please do not bother me again. I have work to do." I clenched my hands to keep them from shaking. He was really going to do this to me again? I'd made peace with his coldness once, but now all of the old pain was coming rushing back. I should have known this would happen- I did know. But I still felt crushed.
I swallowed, and my voice came out hoarse with the threat of tears. "Just tell me the truth, for once. Why do you hate me. What did I do?" I took a shaky breath, trying to keep myself together. Maybe if he could just have given me a reason, I could've understood- even changed things. I would have done anything for him.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's ridiculous. I have no reason to hate you, now get going." The monotone was gone. This time his words were clearly laced with something dark. I fought back the urge to cry. Even if it was true, not caring at all was almost worse. It was too much. The weight of everything came crashing down on me all at once and I was drowning in it. I had no one left. I really was alone.
I turned and ran down the hallway, hot tears spilling from my eyes. I kept running through my room and into my bathroom. I flipped the lock and sank to the cold tile floor, pushing up my sleeves. My hands shook so much I could barely make them stay. I stared at the cuts along my arms, listening to my heart thundering in my ears. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted it all to stop.
There wasn't a single person who cared about me. I didn't have any reason left to live. I could never have abandoned my mother, but she was gone now, leaving me with only a promise I couldn't keep. I moved my hand to the stack of towels and grabbed the blade lying beneath it. My father never loved me, and Itachi stopped loving me a long time ago.
I may have gotten attention when I was at school, but those people didn't really care about me, they didn't even know me. A few fangirls would probably cry a few shallow tears, and then move on to obsess over some other guy. And still they'd be more upset than my own family. I wondered when they'd even notice I was gone. I let out an ugly sob. With this I would break every promise I'd made to mom. But I couldn't stay strong. Not without Itachi.
He'd probably be relieved. His annoying brat of a brother would be out of his hair for good. That's what he wanted. This would be better for everyone.
My knuckles turned white as I gripped the handle of the knife. I didn't hesitate as I stretched my arm out in front of me and dug the blade into my skin. The sharp pain sent a familiar numbness rushing through my veins. I dragged the knife down from my elbow to my wrist. This time I didn't want the bleeding to stop. This time I wanted to watch the life poor out of me and give in to the darkness that followed.
Blood gushed from the wound instantly, hot and sticky. It spilled down my arm and onto the tile floor. I did the same on the other side, then leaned back, letting my arms drop to my sides. A lazy smile spread over my face as the blood formed two pools at my sides. My mind started to get fuzzy.
Then there was shouting in the distance. It sounded like Itachi... but I must have been imagining it. Itachi wouldn't call my name like that. He wouldn't-
The door crashed open with a loud bang and I tried to make sense of what was happening through the haze of blood loss. My brother's terrified face appeared before me. I opened my mouth to call out to him, but I couldn't form the words. The world was fading. My last thought was to wonder why he had to ruin even this. It was no longer so satisfying when he was looking at me with tears in his eyes.
Itachi
I watched Sasuke run from my room with a tight feeling in my chest and winced when I heard his door slam across the house. Maybe I was too harsh? He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve any of this, but it was hard to keep my voice steady when I hated what I was doing to him.
I let out an exhausted sigh. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and tell him everything would be fine, just like I used to. He had been such a cute kid, stubborn and enthusiastic, always following me around. He had meant everything to me. He still did, but things had changed. I changed. My hands were dirty. So I pushed him away and buried my emotions behind a mask of indifference. I promised myself I'd stay away from him, and I did. For three long years.
Then this morning I saw him looking so desperate and hopeless and my resolve cracked. It was agonizing to see him so miserable, but now I needed to repair the wall between us before the crack ran any deeper. I knew he hated how I'd been treating him, but I'd been doing it for years now, he should have been used to it. Staying away from him was my best option. If I let myself go to him now, it would be so much worse, so much harder. It was a risk I couldn't afford to take. He would go back to avoiding me once I went back to ignoring him.
I tried to focus on my papers, but the guilt was eating away at me, growing stronger as the minutes passed. I started to get a bad feeling… Maybe I should go check on him? He shouldn't be around me, but he didn't deserve to be abandoned. I could go apologize at least.
I slid the papers back into their folder and stood up. The feeling of apprehension grew stronger as I started down the hallway to his room and I walked faster. Finally, I reached his door and knocked.
"Sasuke?" There was no response. I turned the handle and pushed the door open, only to find the room empty. Strange, I know I heard him go back to his room. Where was he?
"Sasuke," I called again. My eyes swept the room, coming to a stop on the crack of light shining underneath his bathroom door. Even if he was in there, he still should have heard me come in. He hated having anyone in his room. He should have already been telling me to fuck off, especially after what I said earlier.
I hurried across the room and rapped on the door. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said those things." I paused when there was no answer. "Are you alright in there?" Nothing. I turned the knob, only to find it locked. If he was in there why wasn't he answering?
"Sasuke?" I waited. "Sasuke! Say something!" Still nothing. Fear welled in my chest. Did something happen to him? An accident? I took a step back and kicked down the door.
My heart stopped as I took in the sight in front of me, the color draining from my face. My brother was sprawled in the corner, surrounded by a pool of his own blood, deathly still. "Shit, Sasuke!" I ran over to him and knelt down. His eyes focused on me for a brief moment and then fluttered closed. This couldn't be happening. I couldn't watch him die.
I yanked open the cabinet and grabbed a roll of bandages. I'd seen injuries this bad before; I'd caused injuries this bad, and I knew I couldn't waste any time. I wrapped the bandages around his arms as tightly as I could.
I pulled out my cell phone to call an ambulance, my hands shaking so much I could barely press the numbers. I prayed the bandages would be enough. That he wouldn't die on me too. Please let my baby brother be ok. Please.