Chapter 1 Soundtrack:

Alex G - "Serpent Is Lord" from DSU

Cocteau Twins - "Pearly-Dewdrops' Drops" from The Spangle Maker

Caroline Polachek - "Door" from Pang

April 11, 2016

"But do you really? Do you remember how much harder it was to adjust than you thought when you came back? Try doing that twice. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. Not to check whether or not I'm dreaming. To make sure I still exist."

"Look, I told you, I 'get it' because we found our way back to ourselves the same way. I'm not trying to make light of all your very brave and not at all dramatic sacrifices to the cause."

"Gee. Thanks. Such a good friend, as always."

"What can I—"

"Wait, what do you mean by 'found our way back the same way'?"

"You know what I mean."

"No, I'm not sure I do."

"Oh you do, you just won't let yourself see it yet. See, when I got back it was all teary-eyed reunions with the bro and drinks and laughs and hey—oh, my girlfriend erased every single memory of our relationship from her brain. It sucked. You remember how much the thought of seeing her again kept me going while we were stuck in that damn place. But the thing is, what would have happened if Elena had remembered me? We'd do the back-from-the-dead fuck-like-rabbits honeymoon thing of course oh don't give me that look, catch up on everything we missed in each others' lives, have some nice dinners… and then where would I be now? Empty. Hollow. I would have lost myself when I lost her. We were confined to what I thought was my own eternal personal hell, and right after realizing it wasn't and that we were actually still alive, you did your annoyingly-honorable-witchy-martyr-save thing for the millionth time and beamed me back to an overstuffed world without you, the one person who made the understuffed one bearable. At first it was a worse hell than ours. Everything so loud all the time, I couldn't hear myself think. Retracing my steps with Elena helped me remember who I was. Someone who lived. We go through so much that it's easy to forget what happens in between. Even when Elena was gone I could still see what she showed me for the first time: that I like living. With or without her. Preferably with. But what I'm trying to say is that you have someone like that too. Who helped you learn how to be happy."

"Had. I had someone like that. And I don't like living without her. Only with her. I can't take it."

"Which brings me to my final point. I had to learn to live without Elena because we couldn't bring her back. Our favorite Heretic, on the other hand…"

"What? Damon. Don't fuck around with me. What are you talking about?"

"She's alive, Bonnie. And we're gonna go get her back for you."

December 5, 2013

Dear Elena,

Remember when you told us to write you letters so that when you wake up you can read all about your best friends' lives and feel like you were there? I haven't exactly been great about keeping up with that. (Good thing you won't read this for another sixty-odd years, assuming I make it that long; all the teardrops will have dried by then.) Truth is, there wasn't much to report during my stint as the Bourbon Babies' chaperone for their Euro romp; I got drunk, Damon got drunker, Ric pretended to be drunker still and then when we thought he had passed out went around to any psychic he could find and either beat them up or begged them to help him bring Jo back—you know, typical summer fare. In Amsterdam Damon saved me from a truck in the street after only a few seconds of hesitation, so progress I guess. I spent most of the free days at all of the beautiful art museums and gardens and parks and libraries. Found some super cool obscure spells, I mean if you thought the pillow feathers were pretty… I'll have Care take some videos for you. To tell the truth, I needed a vacation. Coming back from the dead a second time, especially this one with all the, you know, stabbings and arrows and stuff, kinda takes a lot out of you. But then part way through Lily's demon children reappeared and started raising hell in Mystic Falls. I'll spare you the details for now, not because I don't want you to know but because it's too hard to talk about—I like living at school but it breaks my heart not being able to go home. It just doesn't feel safe anymore and it's all because of those damn heretics, I mean Elena if only you

"Bonnie Bennett?"

...well speak of the fucking literal devil here's

"You appear tired."

"Nora, how... unexpected. What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I have a toy. For a tot."

Bonnie turns around, takes another swig of her double-whiskey eggnog. "You shouldn't have," she mutters in the most apathetic, deadpan tone possible.

"I didn't actually, it was a… passive-aggressive gift for when Mary Louise came crawling back to me." Nora holds up an unopened box of the board game SORRY and does a sort of half-curtsy. "But that hasn't happened, so…"

"Still very generous of you." Bonnie opts for scathing sarcasm this time as she gets up from the bar and grabs the gift. At least she didn't lie, I guess.

"I know." Nora smiles at the "compliment," oblivious to the subtext. She tucks a lock of her long brown hair behind an ear.

"Okay, you delivered it. Yay! That's the end." Even more derision this time.

"But, how will the tot know the toy is from me?"

Unbelievable. "I'll tell 'em!" Bonnie shines her best please get the fuck away from me fake smile and walks over to the middle entryway of Scull Bar where rows of heavy-duty cardboard boxes teem with items of all sizes, colors, and price ranges. Nora follows on her heels like an obedient dog. "...and you're still not leaving."

"I… want to be more involved. Here. At Whitmore." Bonnie slowly turns around, the barest tinge of surprise, possibly even curiosity, creeping across her face as Nora continues, "See, I recently enrolled in classes, and I—"

"You're going to school here? Why?"

"Because I was, um, curious about college and, well, Mary Louise hated the idea, so." Nora shifts her feet and adjusts her knee-length blazer dress, which is actually pretty cute. Such a shame about everything else.

"Ah, spite. That's a great reason for pursuing higher education."

Nora sighs, finally picking up on the stilted irony. "Look, you clearly need help."

"Not from an evil heretic who kidnapped my friend…"

"Are you really going to let that old news get in the way of a little charity?" A soccer mom in garish winter sportswear drops a stack of giant boxes into Bonnie's arms without so much as a 'scuse me. "And I'm evil?"

"What about Matt? Remember him? My childhood friend who worked hard to become a deputy to protect the town from people like you, only to watch as you and your murdery circus troop beat, incinerate, and eat his entire graduating class just for fun?"

"It wasn't just for fun, you forget your other 'friends' Stefan and Caroline who tried to blow us up in our own house—"

"So what was it for then? Revenge?" Bonnie hisses, preventing her voice from instinctively raising. After the highly public events of the wedding disaster cover-up and the Mystic Falls evacuation, she wasn't sure how much more it would take for a few sharp observers at Whitmore to figure out that things on campus were more than they seemed. "How is that any better? You don't understand how much damage you've caused. Matt can barely sleep from the nightmares he has of that day, which I only know because of Alaric since Matt won't even speak to me. The guy I've known my whole life blames me for you escaping the prison world and murdering his friends. I don't feel safe going home to the town I grew up in. Alaric doesn't feel safe raising his kids even anywhere near it. And it's all because of you."

Nora stares at her feet, clearly holding back tears in the face of the quiet but vicious outburst. "Bonnie, I—"

A few minutes ago Bonnie might have felt bad for her, but she's too angry now. White-hot fury and indignance flows through her veins like molten metal. "But yeah, sure, if you want to make up for all of that by sorting some goddamn gifts, go ahead. Here." She shoves the soccer mom's stack at Nora. "Collection booth. The far one. Far. On the other side of the damn bar, where I don't have to look at your face. Capiche?"

"Yes, of course. Just," Nora sniffs a bit and wipes a hand across her nose, "just let me know if there's anything else I can do to help." She walks away with her almost comically graceful Victorian strut, dutifully carrying the precarious pile of gifts.

Bonnie leans over one of the donation boxes, hands gripping the sides so tightly that her knuckles start to turn white. Where did all that come from? she asks herself, trying to breathe slowly enough to appease the waves of heat and noise coursing through her body and brain. Cool it, Bonnie. Bitch isn't worth the aches and pains. She detaches her still-trembling fingers from the rim of the box, grabs a teddy bear that reminds her of a smaller, cleaner Ms. Cuddles, hugs it close to her chest as if the squeezing motion will expel all of the anger like one of those toothpaste tube wringers. Finally her heart slows a bit and her breath returns to normal. Bonnie eases her embrace of the bear and holds it at arm's length. "Under other circumstances, we could be pals. But I'm sorry Ms. Cuddles Jr., it's just not going to work." She gently sets the fuzzy toy on top of the others and looks around for any other gift-mountain-touting moms; seeing none, she walks back to her spot at the bar, being careful not to look over to the collection booth where Nora was presumably stationed, asks for a refill, and picks her pen up again.

...Nora. I'm sitting here at Scull writing you this letter and she just shows up with a gift for this Toys for Tots thing that Care somehow tricked me into helping with, a gift she didn't even buy for the kid but for her arguably even more awful girlfriend, acting like it's her key to turning over a new leaf after everything she did. I'm not sure if you'll ever actually read this because it's become more of a ranting journal entry than a letter to my magically sleeping best friend, but nothing else has helped so maybe writing it all out to "you" will. I've been different ever since I came back from the Prison World and I'm not sure whether I like it or not. I'm impulsive now. Selfish, vengeful, angry. Sometimes I think I scare even Damon—I know I don't need to tell you, of all people, how concerning that is. I brought two people back from the dead with disastrous consequences just because Damon needed someone alive and Ric wanted Jo back. I didn't stop to think about what would happen to me or them, I just did it because they asked. And that terrifies me. Do I even have principles anymore? Shouldn't I be the cautious, conservative witch who's always telling everyone to be careful with magic, like my Grams was? How am I even any better than Nora? I don't kill people but if I were a vampire, who knows? I even

"Is that… my name?"

Bonnie whips around to see Nora somewhat adorably looming over her yet again. She hastily shoves the half-finished letter into her bag. "So let me get this straight. I all but scream at you because I'm so mad about everything you've already done, and then you come back 15 minutes later and try to read a private letter over my shoulder?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I—" Nora stops talking, closes her eyes, and takes two deep breaths like she's about to give a breakup speech. "I didn't want to bother you again because I don't deserve you hearing what I have to say. But I have to say it. Bonnie, there isn't enough time in the world to fill with my apologies, but here's one more: I am so, so sorry. The truth is, since our family emerged from that dreadful prison world everything has changed, inside and outside of me. Malcolm is dead, Lily is dead, everything I thought I knew about Julian was a lie, the girl whom I believed to be the love of my life betrayed me and her own family… but most of all I've changed. I am not the horrid sociopathic killing machine I was before the Gemini Coven rightfully imprisoned us. Lily forcing us to stay confined at first drove me to do things I'd rather not repeat, and afterward the guilt was almost too much to bear. Things got out of hand at the graduation ceremony and I felt even worse. I've tried so hard to apologize to Matt but he won't hear any of it, and I certainly can't blame him. Even before Mary Louise sided with Julian over Valerie she didn't understand my desire to live in this world, to really live, to appreciate the beauty of human existence and all I can learn from it. To her they're just blood bags, always have been and always will be. I was so wrapped up in her for so long I never stopped to think about the person I could be rather than the monster I was." Nora pauses to take a few breaths and looks up from the floor, upon which her eyes had been intently trained for the entirety of her monologue. "None of this is an excuse. I just wanted you to understand, because…" she pauses again, "well, I just feel like you need to know. I can't explain it but I am drawn to you, Bonnie. You seem to be someone who, well, knows herself. Actually likes herself. Is happy. And I… I need to know how to have that."

They're looking directly into each others' eyes at this point, Bonnie having swiveled around in her stool, eggnog forgotten on the mottled wood of the bar. "Look, Nora… I get it. I've been around vampires for a long time. Vampires who have killed people, who still kill people. I mean, the guy I'd call my best friend is one of the worst. I know the rules are different, that in situations where a human might punch through a wall a vampire might tear someone's throat out. I have learned how to reconsider what I thought was right and wrong in this world, to the point where I'm not even sure what those things are anymore, if they exist at all. But what I can't control is how I feel. And right now, I feel angry at you for hurting my friends. I feel like I want you to either go back to the collections booth or leave so I can finish this letter."

This time a tear does fall from Nora's left eye. Bonnie feels a pang of guilt shoot through her gut. She doesn't feel angry at all anymore. She doesn't even really want Nora to leave that badly right now. She just doesn't have anything else to say. "That's okay, I… I understand," the despondent heretic mutters. She reaches into her bag and pulls out an unusually sized tome bound in what looks like densely tattooed brown leather. "I, erm, have a gift for you too, if you'll accept it." She hands the book to Bonnie, who knows what it is as soon as her fingers make contact with the cover.

"A grimoire?"

"Yes. It's one I found during our initial trek from New York to Mystic Falls in the prison world. As you can probably imagine, there wasn't much to do in there besides trying to stay warm and reading because none of us wanted to waste our energy by siphoning it for magic. Beau and I would scour any libraries or bookshops along the way to see if we could find anything worth reading. You Americans publish a great deal of swill, even back then, but we unearthed a few gems. Here, though, in Mystic Falls, I made the greatest discovery of all, which I thought I'd lost when I left it behind in 1903. But as luck would have it, it was still hidden in the same gloomy old sub-basement behind the same pair of loose bricks, though buried under a considerably larger pile of dust."

Bonnie undoes the small metal belt keeping the volume closed and opens it to the first page. "What am I supposed to be looking at here?"

"Well, for starters, that's the first time I've seen it opened. I couldn't even siphon away whatever spell locked it. I imagine your ancestors learned some tricks to keep their secrets from even the nosiest Gemini witch, and this is obviously one of them."

"...my ancestors?"

"Yes, Bonnie, if I'm not mistaken, this is an original grimoire from Olivia Bennett, resident and apothecarist of Salem, Massachusetts in the late 17th century. Before even I was born."

"Nora I…" Bonnie gingerly flips through the pages at first, fearing fragility after so many years of decay, but the paper seems to be incredibly well-preserved from whatever spell had sealed it shut. "This is… I just can't believe…"

"You don't have to thank me. I don't believe I deserve that at this point. But I do hope this shows you that I'm truly trying to do more than just make amends. This isn't like that snarky board game, Bonnie. I remembered this and got it for you, not because I wanted to make up for anything, but because I wanted you to have it. I hope you can believe that." Nora dips her head once more and looks toward the door. "It looks as though the proceedings are dying down, I trust you'll be able to handle things on your own?"

Bonnie reverently closes the grimoire and sets it on the bar, moving her half-full glass a safe distance away. "I'll be fine, thank you. I appreciate the help and the gift."

Nora gives Bonnie a small smile as she dons her winter wear and heads toward the entrance. She isn't quite sure why, but she stands up a bit from the stool and calls after the departing heretic. "Hey, Nora!"

She turns around, trying and failing to suppress the flicker of excitement that jolts through her. "What is it, Bonnie?"

"Maybe we… maybe we could meet up sometime and try out some of these spells. I also have some cool stuff I found in Europe that I could show you."

"That sounds… lovely. I would be delighted."

"Sounds like a plan."

"Shall I take down your telephone number?"

"Mmmmm, not quite ready for that yet, Ms. Evil Heretic." Bonnie's smiling so she knows it's more lighthearted this time. "Can't be giving out my digits to just anyone. You might just have to chance upon me here again."

Nora smiles back before exaggeratedly scanning the room with her eyes. "Cozy place, this is. I suppose it won't be torture sitting here until closing time every day, waiting patiently for the queen herself to arrive. You might just have to find a new magic partner while I try out spells with…" she looks around again, "um, him!" pointing to a frat boy passed out in an armchair on a pillow of his own over-gelled fade.

"I'm dripping with jealousy," Bonnie half-mouths, half-whispers; Nora's almost out the door now but she knows she can still hear her.

Nora doesn't say anything before she steps out into the bitter Virginia cold, just stares straight at Bonnie and smiles again, except it's a different smile this time, one that surges like electricity through the air toward her, warm and alluring and sexy.

Sexy?

"Ahem."

Bonnie whips around to see Caroline standing right behind her. "Care, hey…"

"I leave you here alone for the duration of exactly one birthing class and you spend it flirting with the evil heretic who kidnapped me?"