A/N: Here is my newest book, I have several going,

but as I get stuck on one, I move on to the next for a while. Reviews are always welcomed, and responded too. Thanks for reading

Chapter 1 The Beginning

I'm never saying goodbye to you, I'm never saying goodbye to you. Words Blaine had lived for, and believed in. Kurt had first said those words when he transferred back to McKinley. He had whispered those words into Blaine's ear as he held him oh so tight, and Blaine had believed, he had to believe, needed to believe, even though that had been one of the hardest moments of his life. No they weren't breaking up, but he also knew nothing would ever be the same again.

Kurt had said those words again when Blaine was worried about the separation from him at the end of Kurt's senior year, when Blaine felt his world would surely fall apart. Kurt would be going to New York with all these new opportunities. How would Blaine be able to match up to that, all those new experiences, new more exciting people, more exciting than a high school boyfriend that he wouldn't get to see every day anymore.

He might not have said goodbye per se, but he had pulled away. It started so slow, calls missed skype dates rescheduled, emails and texts going unanswered. Important things going on in Blaine's life, important things he needed to talk to his boyfriend about, the person he loved more than anyone else in the world, the person he needed the most.

Normally when something like that happens you can turn to your best friend, you still have someone to talk to, someone to help calm your crazy, someone to talk you out of doing something stupid, someone who can bring you back from the edge and talk you out of doing the worst thing you could possibly do. But what do you do when they were one in the same, when you no longer have options, when you no longer have someone to turn too.

Kurt had become his best friend not long after meeting him, when he transferred to Dalton. It all started off so easy, them becoming best friends, and then them falling in love. Blaine can still remember what he liked to think of as the stages.

The things he said to Kurt as their relationship changed, grew, shifted from friend to best friend, to boyfriend, to the love of his life, his person, his world. It still sometimes made him smile at the ridiculousness of how long it took him to realize, something everyone else had known for months.

1. "I got your back", - when he had gone to McKinley the day that Karofsky had stolen Kurt's first kiss, he wanted to be Kurt's mentor and friend, to help him through a hard time, make him feel better, be a support system for him, he had wanted to help Kurt have courage, wanted to help he talk to Karofsky, to let him know he wasn't alone.

2. "You are so much better than that girl is going is going to be" – right after they sang their very first duet together. In that moment alone, how could he not have known, not seen? The feelings were right there on the surface the whole time. When they sat on that couch and just stared at each other. Yes he had finally started feeling the pounding in his chest, but that didn't mean he had feelings for Kurt, no way…

3. "I really, really care about you; I'm not very good at romance. I don't want to screw this up". – The day at the Lima Bean when Kurt had told him, he thought that Blaine was going to ask him out on Valentine's Day. True, at that point he wasn't good at romance, but he had learned; for Kurt he would have learned, or done anything.

4. "You move me" – The day he finally opened his eyes and realized what had been right in front of him the whole time. The day Kurt had song Blackbird, and changed Blaine's life forever. In that instant, nothing would ever be the same, the day they shared their first kiss, their first, first together.

5. "I think it's adorable, you are adorable" – the day they were at Regionals, and Kurt had been so very nervous about singing their duet. So afraid he was going to mess up, even though Blaine knew that no one else could have done that song but Kurt, and he knew that he couldn't have done it with anyone else.

6. "You did win, and so did I. We got each other out of all of this and that beats a lousy trophy don't you think." – The day after they lost at Regionals, when they were burying Pavarotti, when Kurt said he had really, really wanted to win. To Blaine, that had been when it had really started.

Yes he had realized he cared about Kurt right before their first kiss, but in that instant he knew that he meant what he said to Kurt, more than he had ever meant anything else in his life. He had gotten something so much more precious than a lousy trophy. His life changed in an instant… he had gotten Kurt.

7. "I am crazy about you" - The day that even though he knew Kurt really wanted to go to the prom, he would have passed it up because of how the thought of going had affected Blaine. After everything Blaine had gone through when he was still at Carson, being beaten up after the Sadie Hawkins dance Kurt would have passed on doing something Blaine knew he wanted to do, he would have done something else just to make Blaine feel better.

Oh when did that change, he thought realizing just how bad that hurt. When had he stopped mattering, in the grand scheme of all things Kurt

8. I love you – He had felt it for a while, it had started off so slow, but had built over time. Sitting in the Lima Bean, hearing about everything that had happened at Nationals, he had missed him so much that week, he just had to say it, he had too, it was bursting out of him, all this love he felt for his beautiful blue eyed boyfriend.

What was kind of funny was they somehow had become boyfriends without the words needing to be said. Usually you asked someone something that important, will you be my boyfriend, but Blaine had never asked Kurt to be his boyfriend, and Kurt had never asked him, they had just fallen into it so natural, they cared about each other, yes the words might not have ever been asked or answered, but they just were, the feelings and the intent was still there. They were happy; they were each others, just the way it was supposed to be.

oOoOo

He had always been so proud to call Kurt his. He had always loved just standing beside Kurt, telling everyone that he was Kurt's boyfriend and that Kurt was his. He had never been more proud to say that though, than on the day of Kurt's junior prom, when they had played a cruel joke and had voted Kurt prom queen, proud of how he didn't let it destroy him.

Yes he had walked out for a minute, but when Blaine asked him what he wanted to do Kurt had looked at him and said "I am going to go back in there and be coronated, I am going to show everyone that they can't touch me, they can't touch us, or what we have." Blaine had been so very proud to be part of that US.

He had been proud of him when he stood there with dignity and accepted that crown, and then watched in sadness as he watched Karofsky walk away refusing to dance with him. He had felt so proud to walk up to him, holding out his hand and ask for the honor of having that dance, their first actual dance. He can still remember the look on Kurt's face, the surprise. He had fallen just a little more in love with him that day.

Kurt's senior year Blaine had transferred to McKinley to be with him, he had to spend as much time with him as he could, before they had to deal with a year of separation, a year apart. Kurt's senior year wasn't perfect; they had the whole sexting issue with Chandler, which Blaine still didn't really understand.

Yes he had pulled away from him a little, trying to practice for when he would be spending next year alone, once Kurt left, but he never thought that would push Kurt into cheating on him, because even though Kurt never really saw it that way, to Blaine it had been cheating. Kurt had asked him to forgive him, and he had. Like he could do anything different, ever really stay mad at him, like he could ever turn his back and say goodbye.

So they had survived their first argument, as far as Blaine was concerned that would be the worst thing they would ever have to go through. If only he knew just how wrong he was…

oOoOo

Cause I am barely breathing

And I can't find the air

I don't know who I'm kidding

Imagining you care, and I could stand here

Waiting a fool for another day

But I don't suppose it's worth the price

Worth the price, the price that I would pay

But I'm thinking it over anyway

"I love you," Blaine said to nothing but dial tone, clicking his phone to lock the screen he walked to his next class feeling so dejected and lost, how had they gotten here, how had he lost so much. Kurt used to be his, and he knew it, now…. He just wasn't sure about anything anymore.

He was tired; he was so tired of being the only one who cared. Kurt didn't seem to. Every time they talked now, it was nothing about them, now it was vogue, or NYADA, or Isabel Wright. Whatever happened to conversations about Blaine and Kurt? This is how last year had gone with him more interested in New York instead of their relationship.

There was only so much time he could kill; only so many clubs he could join, he was in them all, but they still didn't help him keep his mind off of Kurt. At school he was fine, he was able to keep his mind busy thinking about other things, but when he went home, there was nothing there to occupy his time. His parents were normally really busy with work, and Cooper was usually on set filming whatever movie he just happened to be working on at any given time.

He hung around with Sam a lot but even he had things he had to do, family commitments he had to keep. He had to babysit his little brother and sister, make sure that they were taking their baths, doing their homework; he didn't have time to baby sit Blaine as well. Not that he had ever said anything like that, but…

The final straw for Blaine came when he had been trying to call Kurt for three days, just needing to talk to him about different things, wanting to let him know that he had won senior class president. Sure it might not seem that important to Kurt, now that he wasn't in school but it was to him. He had really worked hard. Last year he had helped Kurt with his campaign, he had hung up posters, he had gone to every single debate, and had held him while he cried when he lost.

He didn't expect Kurt to fly home and plan an inaugural ball or anything like that but a little acknowledgement from the person who was supposed to love him wasn't asking too much he didn't think. But today, when Kurt had finally seen fit to call him back, it was just to let him know that he had to cancel yet another skype date because Isabel needed the magazine up by midnight, no congratulations, no I miss you or even a simple I love you. It was just I'll call you back later, but Blaine had quickly learned a long time ago that Kurt wouldn't call him back. Blaine felt like he was sinking, and there was no one there to pull him to safety. He was floating on his own, and he just sank.

oOoOo

Blaine cheated, he cheated, he cheated, how stupid could he have been, he knew the second it happened, the second he had let his lips touch Eli's he knew in he's heart that his relationship with Kurt was over, he knew just how badly he had screwed up, what he had just ended, what he had just thrown away. There was no way Kurt would forgive him for this, Blaine might have forgiven Kurt for the Chandler sexting, but he knew Kurt would never forgive him for this.

He had just started feeling so numb, he felt like Kurt no longer cared, no longer needed him. Why would he need a seventeen almost eighteen year old high school senior when you could be with someone older, someone more mature, but most importantly someone there.

Blaine wanted to be there, he really did, he just had to get through senior year first. They had it all planned out they would stay in touch, they would stay connected, they would survive. It was only going to be a year, they could handle a year in their sleep; they love each other that much. They could make this work.

The bad part was, he was the one who pushed Kurt to go. He hated seeing him work for the Lima Bean, putting up with snarky customers like Kitty, who lived to make people feel small, if she could make you feel small she felt so much better about herself.

He hated it when Kurt showed up at school at the beginning of his senior year, not that he didn't want to see him, not that he was embarrassed for him to be there, just Blaine knew it was killing Kurt, and that was killing him, that he wasn't in New York where he was meant to be. He wasn't supposed to be in Lima, he was meant for New York.

Thinking back on it now he wonders how things would have turned out if he had just kept his mouth shut. Kurt was going to wait for him, but he had known deep down what that would have done to him, so he did the least selfish thing he had ever done and convinced Kurt to go on to New York, he would be there in a year after all, they would be fine.

That was before he stopped talking to him, stopped returning calls; for all intents and purposes as far as Blaine felt before he had stopped caring. Blaine was tired of feeling sad, tired of feeling lonely, tired of sitting home every night waiting on a phone call that never came, he was tired of feeling numb, and he just wanted to feel again, so he had done something stupid. He had gone out with someone else. He felt like he no longer had a place in Kurt's life, that he had given up on him, on them.

He had gone over and met Eli that was a big mistake. He had really enjoyed the kissing at first; it had been 2 months since the last time he had been able to kiss Kurt, longer since he had been able to do anything else.

He had enjoyed it when they had stripped off their clothes started really making out, skin on skin; he especially enjoyed it when he crawled on top of Eli straddling his hips and started grinding down on him.

He had enjoyed it up until the point he was about to screw Eli's brains out, condom on, and lube in hand, but he couldn't do it. Kurt was the only one he was ever supposed to make love to, no, this wasn't making love but still, it wasn't supposed to happen with anyone but Kurt. He stood up, ripped the condom off, put his clothes back on, and said he was sorry, he had to go.

He had almost laughed when Eli had looked at him and asked "is it because I don't look like my profile picture" he would hope the hell not because Eli's profile picture had been a lighthouse. Yes he liked lighthouses, had at one point talked about getting one with Kurt, but he sure as hell didn't want to screw one.

But still the minute it happened, the minute he had stepped in Eli's door, the minute he had let his lips touch Eli's, it had already gone too far. He knew in his heart that his relationship with Kurt was over. He knew it, and the whole in his heart that had been there since Kurt moved to New York grew bigger.

When Eli had asked him if he wanted to come over he should have just said no, closed his Facebook, and gone on to chess club or one of the million other clubs he had joined to keep his mind off of Kurt.

He had managed to sign up with enough that he was guaranteed at least two club meetings a day. That was all fine while he was still at school, but what about the nights when he had to go home, when he is usually alone because of the way his parents worked.

When he left Eli's he did the only thing he could do he went home packed a bag, then got on a plane and headed to New York, he had cried during his whole flight knowing what he was about to lose, knowing it was all his fault because of what he had done, and knowing that none of it was worth it.

He had to confess, he had to tell the truth to the love of his life. He had never once lied to Kurt and he couldn't do it now by omission. He hoped for the best, but prepared for the worst and unfortunately that is what he got.

When his plane touched down at LaGuardia, he got a taxi. Kurt had texted him the address just last week. He was supposed to have come here for a visit, he would have been seeing him in two weeks, two weeks that just yesterday had seemed like a lifetime away, but now in his heart he knew he was already facing a lifetime without him.

He took the elevator and then slowly walked up to his door, putting the confrontation off as long as he could. He knocked on the door and he sees his boyfriend, the person he had lived for, for so long standing there with a shocked look on his face, before it broke into a smile and then he was in his arms, kissing him.

"Blaine I hadn't expected you for two more weeks" he said kissing him again

"I know, but I just needed to see you, I have really missed you," Blaine says pulling him back into is arms wanting to hold him just a few more minutes. Knowing deep down this would be one of the last times he could. For so long he had lived for Kurt, how was he supposed now live without him.

Blaine saw Rachel and Finn sitting on one of the couches, he said hi to both before turning around to Kurt "Can we go for a walk, I have something I want to talk to you about" Blaine said wanting to do this in private. He knew Rachel would know as soon as Kurt got home, but he wanted to be able to talk, just the two of them.

They walked to Central Park, Blaine holding Kurt's hand, needing to feel him close for a few more minutes.

"Blaine, you are scaring me, is something wrong, you are acting weird" Kurt stops walking looks at him and Blaine could see tears in those beautiful blue eyes, tears he never meant to cause.

"Kurt,' I love you, I love you with every fiber of my being, you know that right? We have been through so much" Blaine looked at him and had to pull him back in his arms had to kiss him one more time. He needed it like oxygen. He placed his lips on his softly one more time, bringing his hands up to cup his face wishing it wasn't, but knowing this would be the last time, he would be able to kiss him. He slowly pulled away and saw the tears running down Kurt's face

"Kurt, I need to tell you something, something I wish I could change but cant. Yesterday, when I kept trying to call you, I had something important I needed to talk to you about. You said you would call me back and you didn't."

"I am not trying to put this off on you, but I just need to explain myself. Kurt my grandfather died yesterday morning. I needed to talk to you if not as my boyfriend then at least as my best friend. I just needed to talk to someone and since you are my boyfriend and best friend I was out of options. I messed up, I kissed someone else, I just needed to feel again. I have never cheated on you before, never even wanted to but yesterday I was devastated. I am so, so sorry can you please forgive me" Blaine said tears running down his face

His worst fear was realized when Kurt pulled away from him "I'm sorry Blaine, I am sorry about your grandfather I am, but that didn't give you the right to cheat on me, I trusted you, I believed in you" Kurt said hiccupping so choked up

"Please Kurt, please don't do this, don't end us, I need you," Blaine begged crying so hard his whole body was shaking. "I forgave you Kurt, I forgave you when you were texting Chandler, I forgave you, why can't you forgive me. I messed up, but please Kurt please, I love you so much, please don't do this, I can't lose you, I need you Kurt please.

"You said you wouldn't ever bring that up again" Kurt said wrapping his arms around himself

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, but please, please forgive me give me a chance. I can't lose you Kurt, please, you are all I have."

"I'm sorry Blaine, I'm sorry, but I can't do this, I can't be with you right now, I love you I do, but I just can't right now. I just can't" Kurt said crying even harder; looking at Blaine with the saddest eyes he had ever seen.

"Please don't do this Kurt, please don't do this" Blaine said with tears running down his face.

Kurt just looks at him and whispers "That's just it Blaine I didn't do this, you did. Goodbye Blaine" Kurt said shaking his head before turning around and running off, taking Blaine's heart with him.

Blaine stood there in the middle of Central Park devastated, he had just lost the one person he loved most in this world, what was he supposed to do now. Kurt had just said the one thing to him he had promised he never would, he had said goodbye. He slowly slid down to his knees and put his head in his hands and completely broke down. He had just lost everything; he had just lost his world.

That night he checked into a motel room and cried himself to sleep. The next morning he was on a plane, heading home. He missed school that day and really couldn't bring himself to care. Nothing matters anymore, his reason for getting up in the morning was gone.

A/N: Song lyrics in this chapter is Barely Breathing by Duncan Sheik