Chapter 88
The funeral of my old life
Disclaimer:I don't own GG
Background: takes place in the episode where Lorelai is gone for the weekend and Rory eats in her house with Jess and Paris, which is when Dean comes, Jess leaves and they start fighting. All starts going down after that.
Warning: Some chapters may be really triggering
Note: What better time than a fresh new year to take this full circle? Planning on wrapping this in couple of chapters(it has so many chapters it can be a book by now...) and get a fresh start. There will be a new story that will continue Rory's recovery as well as include Lane and Abigail as main characters with their own main storylines. All the regular people like Paris and Sookie will be there of course. It will also serve as fresh chance to see how things between Luke and Lorelai will develop. For now, let's get back to where we left off...
p.s. Only this chapter, an Epilogue and we move on, to the sequel :)
1.
The same night, 4 am
Rory made sure that Lane had food, water, and aspirin next to her, and quietly snuck out to the porch. Soon after Jess arrived and she wrapped her hands around him in a tight hug. He hugged her back, breathing in deeply her perfume and covering her face with quiet kisses. Finally, they sat down, her laying on the swing her upper body resting on his, his arms safely around her. She had updated him on the events of the rest of the evening, and they could both feel it in the air. The mark death left on life, even in passing, rippled and changed things. At least for a while, it always did.
'I'm sorry I woke you.' she whispered, trying not to wake up anyone else. She'd asked him in a message to come, but given the hour, she didn't really expect a response. A minute later, her phone had pinged, letting her know that he was coming.
'Wasn't sleeping anyway. I wish I could help somehow.' The sorrow in his voice surprised her.
'I didn't know you were that close.'
'We're not. But I know what it's like not to have a dad. Although, mine chose to leave. Still, I think I can relate. It's not something you want to be able to relate to.'
Her chest ached for him. His arms enveloped her in a warm hug from behind and she interlocked her fingers with his.
'I'm sorry love.' She said quietly. 'When did he leave?'
'Pretty much before I was born, so no meaningful memories to speak of.' The absence of such, however, held a very meaningful spot. You always think time passes, and something fills the empty spaces in us. But some of these spaces never close.
'I'm sorry.'
He kissed her gently.
'It's why we're here, isn't it? These things always remind you of how little time you have.'
She nodded. 'Are you thinking of finding him?'
'No. He never wanted to find me, why should I bother? Not everyone is meant to be a parent.'
'Didn't you wonder why?'
'I did. I was angry, for a long time. Sometimes anger can be useful. This wasn't the case. I'm still angry, but I'm done trying to change anything about it.'
She brought his fingers to her lips, kissed them gently. 'Then, we make our own family...ughm... I mean, one day, obviously.' She blushed in the darkness and he chuckled and kissed her hair.
'One day, love.'
'I haven't seen my dad since Dean.' she admitted. 'I was always too busy. I didn't know how to talk to mom, let alone someone I see few times a year. But I send him a message tonight. If he agrees to come, I'm telling him everything. Life is too shot for evading things.'
'Well, well. No one's sleeping tonight, are they?' Lorelai gave them a tired smile. Rory's face creased with worry, and she spoke as quietly as she could.
'Actually, Lane is finally asleep, so let's not wake her. Sorry, I didn't ask if Jess can come over mom, but we were only talking.'
Lorelai gave her a sad smile.'I heard hun. At least, the last part. I agree, it's time for your dad to visit. What did he say?'
'I don't know yet. I texted him at like, 3 am, so...I did my part.'
'Anyone hungry? We still have some pie and donuts in the kitchen, and I just made a fresh pot of coffee. What do you guys say? It's a very weird couple of days. Come in the kitchen, and we can all just have... a very early breakfast?'
'Sure.'
'Sure, why not.'
2.
(Lane)
You never know which decision will change your life, forever. Time passed. It seemed impossible, but it did. The day after she had tried going home, for the funeral. Practically the whole town was there, and family came, extended family of hers too. But her mom didn't let her attend. Ms. Kim told her that she can change her mind, come home, attend the funeral. Or else, not to return unless it's to pick her things from her room.
That was a huge blow. After crying for a whole day, so much that everything else had started feeling surreal, she'd briefly thought maybe her mom would reconsider. She should have known that was a dead end. Her mom was the proudest person she knew. There was a crack between them now, a gap only getting wider. And the only way to bridge that gap was to submit to her mom's beliefs. Which meant betraying her dad. It wasn't an option. She had gone there tired, but briefly hopeful, and that hope was smashed on the ground and stomped over.
Lane felt like a ghost. Untethered. Banished from her own life.
She tried to argue. Her mom had told her unceremoniously 'You wanted to live by your rules. Then go do that. Come back when you're ready to admit you were wrong.'
And then she had sighed and sat down on the table, looking tired and sick in the black clothes, and Lane's aunts and cousins had consoled her and looked at Lane like she was the cause for her mom's pain. She'd returned to Rory's house. She knew she was always welcome there. She'd stayed nights before and felt at home. But this was different. She'd have to go somewhere, do something, soon. It had started to dawn on her that this was really happening, and she couldn't digest it. It felt like a weird dream, her mom discovering her secret life, her dad not returning, her mom refused to even talk to her...And all this within 48 hours.
She sat on Rory's bed and covered her face in her hands, unable to think clearly.
All that she could think of was that she wanted to say goodbye to her dad, but she didn't even know where she'd sleep in a week. Or 2 weeks. She had to figure out how to make enough money, pay her bills, continue with school and figure out where to live, and get her stuff out of her mom's house and the faster the better. She had to figure out how to be a proper adult, overnight possibly. But that knowledge, that knowledge of all these decisions she had to make, made her chest feel like it was burning all the time like she couldn't take a full breath. She slid into bed, meaning to take a quick nap and then the whole thing just crashed over her again, and she just couldn't find enough energy to get up. The blackness came again, and Lane welcomed it, slipping into deep dreams she didn't want to remember.
3.
The next few days sort of blended into each other. Lane slipped in and out of sleep. She'd get up for long enough to eat few bites, maybe shower for a minute and then slip under the covers again. Rory and Lorelai would ask her things, but she didn't really say much, just slept again. All the decisions were waiting for her, and she just couldn't. The band guys had come to visit, but she couldn't talk to them. Or anyone. She didn't have anything smart or useful to say. She didn't have anything to say, period. She was all out of words. So she'd go back to sleep again. Everything was coming in and out of focus, sort of passing by her as if it wasn't really happening. And she slept again. All she could think of was, that she was grateful that she still had a bed to sleep in and Rory and Lorelai to bring food. All she could think of is, she was running out of time. But then sleep came again, and she couldn't fight it. Sometimes she heard people out of Rory's room, talking. Probably about her. She wanted to care. And then she slept again.
'Lane? Please sit up, just for a bit. You need to eat something.'
She twisted in the bed and sat up. Rory sat on the bed and placed the tray next to her. Lane looked at the food without any desire to touch it. Lately, everything tasted the same to her.
'Do you want to take a walk with me, today? Just for a bit?'
Lane nodded negatively.
'You need to keep at least somewhat active, please? It might help.'
'Well, aren't you the best at giving advice? Weren't you the one that took a month off school not so long ago? When was the last time you did go, anyway?'
Suddenly Lane felt unreasonably angry, angry at her inability to accept help, angry that Rory could do what she wanted and still have a home, angry that everyone was moving on with their lives while her own life was breaking apart in pieces. Rory didn't look mad at her, just sad. Too bad. Now that she was up, Lane felt unreasonably angry, so angry with everyone that still had a dad that she couldn't breathe. It wasn't fair, but she wasn't sure her new life had space for fair.
'Lane... I'm not-' Rory struggled to find words. Her friend still didn't know about her uncle, and a whole of a lot other details, but this wasn't a sharing moment. This is how it works in families. You can't all be in crisis. Someone needs to bring food and clean and keep things going. Someone needs to be the support so that there is space for recovery. You can't all fall apart together. And Lane was family. And ever since Lane's dad died, Rory had put aside some of her own unanswered questions and anguish for a bit. This was bigger. Her friend needed her, and she did her best to do her homework, visit her therapist twice a week, exercise, and spend the rest of her time being around, for Lane. Even if what Lane needed was to be mad at her. 'Lane, please eat something. And come with me for a walk. I promise I will let you yell at me if that's what you want.'
The shame and guilt blossomed on Lane's cheeks in ugly red spots, realizing that she had crossed the wrong line.
And yet still so badly, awfully, horribly angry with no target in sight but her friend. So angry that her chest was in constant pain like it was burning all the time. She didn't touch the food, but she took the cup of tea and the aspirin. Rory hesitated. It would be easy to just let her be. Easy didn't mean right.
'I just- how can I help?'
'Why? Why are you bothering? Do you really want to help? Because short of a time machine, what do you really want to do to help? This isn't some small stupid problem Rory! I have no parents, no money, and no home! I have to figure out how not to end up on the street, let alone have space to even think about my dad- and you think a walk is going to help that? Are you kidding me?' She didn't want to be mad, but she couldn't stop herself. 'I don't want to walk, I don't want to eat, I don't want to have to decide everything about my life in 1 day, I just don't- I don't want to be here okay?'
Rory sighed and got up. She knew that feeling very well. Arguing wasn't helpful. Her friend needed to feel this. She briefly stopped at her huge bookshelf, digging through the books. She left a book next to the food on the nightstand. 'Magician' by R. E. Feist. 'It's fantasy, okay. It has magic and elves and epic battles. Just... if you ever really want to feel like you're ... not here. There are several more books after this one if you like it.'
'I'm tired.'
'It's just- it's there if you need it.'
Lane nodded. She wanted to apologize for yelling, but she was feeling an inch from being mad again. She slipped under the covers again, sipping the tea.
'Please eat something, okay. I love you. And you will figure this out, I promise. I'm sorry about your dad.' Rory got out quietly without making an issue. If Lane needed to be mad at her, that was fine. She just wished she could help more, but she knew she couldn't really. Lane was right. Some of the biggest things in life, you just had to go through on your own. Even if you were surrounded by people.
Lane sipped the hot tea and glanced at the night table uncertainly. Finally, she picked up the book and let herself slip into another world.