Author's note: As my regular readers know, I have made it a hobby of late to take passages I find on Harry Potter stories that have one crucial word misspelled or misused, and then write stories in which these malapropisms are taken literally. Now, we all know that such passages are not confined to the Harry Potter subcategory; hence, the present collection of Avengers tales. As in the original "Minuets", the attributions may or may not be verifiable when you read this, since the authors in question may choose to correct their syntax, change their pen names, and/or delete their stories; still, you have my word that these passages have all really appeared in this subcategory.
A word about technique. Obviously, none of these vignettes actually reflect the intentions of the authors quoted, and in many cases the whole context of the passage has been radically altered. However, I have made it an ironclad rule that any pronoun will refer to the same person or thing in the Minuet as in the original story, and any direct quote will be attributed to the same character. (And of course this applies to OCs and historical figures as well as to canon characters.)
Disclaimer: The Marvel Cinematic Universe belongs to Disney and Marvel Studios; the stories quoted belong to the authors named; the cover image is by Filippo Baratti; various other allusions to works and persons not my own abound. The stories themselves, however, are strictly my own work.
Other Minuets collections: If you enjoy these tales, you may also wish to look into "Minuets in Aeolian Mode" (Percy Jackson and the Olympians), "Minuets by Brain Matter" (NCIS), "Minuets by John Williams" (Star Wars), "Minuets by Guitar Villain" (Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir), and "Minuets with Bombadil" (Lord of the Rings) – and, of course, the Harry Potter series that started it all, "Minuets in B Minor". All are currently available on my profile.
"And a classmate literally wearing a shield on his back while this other student had a specter leaning on his desk." –Pokemon E. Z, summary to "Avengers Academy"
"Mother," said Loki through gritted teeth, "truly, you don't need to hang around like this. I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself in a Midgardian classroom."
The spectral form of Queen Frigg just smiled, and reached out to stroke his dark hair. "Well, forgive me for being concerned about my littlest boy, O great prince," she said. "You know as well as I do what a propensity you have to mischief; I dread to think what you might get up to in a place like this, with no Aesir authority figures around to keep you honest. And not just for the sake of your victims, either," she added, shooting a glance at the blond youth a few desks over. "That Rogers boy is just the sort to try and take a god to task if justice required it – and, mortal though he may be, I do think that shield on his back could do you some damage."
Loki sighed. "All right, fine," he said. "But do you have to actually lean on my desk? You'd keep me just as honest standing over by the hamster cage, wouldn't you?"
"Of course," said Frigg with a sly grin. "But then I wouldn't have so good a view of Mr. Fury's class across the hall – and you know how your mother feels about men with eye-patches."
"Rumors continue to abound on the present location of Iron Man, especially since Roger's has made numerous public challenges for Iron Man to come out and fight in person." –Black' Victor Catchat, "Love and Civil War"
Roger Ailes gazed sourly out his villa window, at the swaying palm trees and sparkling ocean waters beyond. Hitherto, the millionaire Fox News CEO had never regretted buying a small Caribbean island as a vacation getaway; it made a pleasant change of pace, now and then, when he wanted to escape from the tawdry shrillness of the culture wars. Nor would he have been regretting it now, if it hadn't recently developed a bad habit of…
As if in response to his thought, the ground suddenly began to surge and quiver beneath him, and a thunderous voice reverberated from the bowels of the earth. "Out with thee, Tony Stark!" it cried, fiery hatred breathing in every syllable. "Thou plated coward, wilt thou still refuse me satisfaction? For eighteen days and nights have I continuously challenged thee, yet no gleam have I seen of thy vaunted armor. Again I charge thee, come and do battle with me – for many men of iron lie shattered beneath my sands, and I crave to add thee to their number. Come and fight, I say, lest all the world know that Iron Man feareth to meet the awesome power and ageless wrath of… COBALT ISLAND!"
As the last words echoed across the sea, the ground resumed its immobility, and Ailes rose from the floor where he had fallen and rubbed his bruised shoulder. "Well, that settles it," he muttered. "I have got to find a new location."
"'The US Navy invited him so he could help them crack navel Enigmas,' Cap said." –Books of Change, "Clause for Women, Children, and Infirm"
Alan Turing ran a hand through his hair, and sighed. "All right, Mr. Secretary," he said. "Could you try, just once more, to explain what it is I'm doing here?"
"You're here," said the Secretary of the Navy patiently, "because a series of mysterious designs have, for the past several weeks, been appearing around the navel of a certain key figure in one of our most sensitive offices. We have reason to believe that they are messages sent from extra-terrestrial beings, and we want you to help us crack these Enigmas –" Turing could hear the capital letter in his voice "– and determine whether the intent behind them is hostile or benign."
Turing nodded. "Yes, that's what your President said," he remarked, "but I thought perhaps he'd just been drinking. All right, then – but may I ask why it had to be me, rather than someone from your own code department?"
"Because," said a familiar voice from behind him, "if I'm to bare my midriff for a cryptographer, I want it to be one I trust to keep his mind on cryptography."
Turing turned sharply, and stared at the shapely brunette who stood in the doorway. "Peggy?"
"Hello, Alan," said Peggy Carter with a smile. "Been quite a while, hasn't it?"
"That's even dumber than the rumor going around on the Internet that he's a pimp and we're all his hoes." –Bleeding Jazz Gums, "A for Effort"
"Oh, this one's interesting," said Clint, and began to read aloud from an article on TrueAvengersRevelations-dot-Com. "'When S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Phil Coulson isn't actively engaged in his sex-trafficking business, he enjoys working in his garden. Of course, sometimes the ground's a little hard, but that's no problem: he just grabs the nearest Avenger, ties him up, and whacks at the topsoil with him until it's broken into manageable clods.'"
A thoughtful silence followed this revelation, which Steve, glancing quizzically at the others, eventually took it upon himself to break. "Um… we didn't go back to lead plumbing while I was in the ice, did we?" he said.
"So we're Phil's hoes now?" Tony snorted. "Please. Tony Stark is no one's hoe."
"Of course not," said Natasha with a wry smirk. "Everyone knows you're a rake."