I once fucked a can of Chef Boyardee raviolis. That's how alone I am in this world. Pokémon? Screw that, I want a girlfriend. Wanted one since I was seven. Never knew what kind of girl, but I had this mental image of a shadowy figure, perfection of a girl, shrouded in a holy light from the heavens. An amazing person, the kind where the two of us could talk about anything. Get along perfectly. A girl who's strong, older than me, and funny. Wait, funny girls don't exist.

"Oh, when you're ten, you'll get to choose a Pokémon! Isn't that great, Felix?" My mom used to say. "Pokémon first, serious relationships, second."

Yeah, I also want to have a real relationship with this mystery girl that I've yet to meet. Not like, three months and we're done. Screw that. If I get a girl, I want her and me to stay together till the end. One shot, one end. Which is why I'm picky. And a huge womanizer. Gotta test the merchandise before buying, you know? I'm really bad at it though. Imagine my surprise when my stupid ten year old ass found out that you can't bend the laws of universe. Aka, make people love you. But I'm trying my hardest.

Felix is my name by the way. Simple, short, ladies love it.

"Girls like guys who are amazing with Pokémon. Caring and sweet, real dense too. Because those guys tend to focus on their goal, and women love guys who go for their hard set goal. When they overcome their obstacles on the way to the goal, it makes you look like a cool guy and they want you more. And if you don't notice them, it only makes them more attracted to you." Said some bum behind the Pokémart once, and then he threw up right on my shoes. They were imported too. :^(

I wanted to say that it only happens fifty percent of the time. For example, my cousin was super focused on his goal, and he achieved it years later. Overcoming many goals and what not. But he's already twenty, and single. And I think he'll stay single, forever.

And how did he achieve his goal? Pokémon battles. Oh yeah, you're da real man, Gabriel. Commanding your pet to beat up another kid's pet. Super masculine. I always disliked Pokémon battles. What fun there is to command a creature to fight another creature? Having them to fight your battles. Having them overcome some imaginary obstacles set by power hungry gym leaders and the government while you sit back and run your mouth with commands.

If I were to ever set out on a Pokémon journey, it would be to find the perfect girl for me. Other than that, no thank you. I'll stick to my city and search here. Actually, I've been searching for a girlfriend for two years now. No luck. When the other ten year old's were receiving their Charmanders and Squirtles, I was flirting with officer Jenny.

"You know, if you become a trainer with cool, strong Pokémon and earn lots of badges, girls will notice you."

"But damn it, I want a girl to notice me as a person first, not what Pokémon I have and how well I order them to blow shit up. That's just, not manly. It's childish." That's why I had a countermeasure for that. I'll get the weakest, shabbiest, stupidest and ugliest looking Pokémon in the event that I become a trainer. (You know, Pokémon that nobody ever wants.)

It'll act as a filter. It'll filter out girls who notice me as a person, from girls who notice me because of Pokémon. A job which is made all the more easier by the fact that I live in Kanto. Aka, no fancymon like Lucario or Gardevoir.

Another reason why I didn't set out on a Pokémon journey, even though my mother was pushing me through the door at that time, was because I screwed up on day one. After I hit twelve years, my mom practically kicked me out with our family pokémon. I always hated the fucker. It creeped me the hell out. Wooper was its species name, Droplet was his name.

A small and blue creature with two tiny, light purple horns on both sides of his head. And dark blue curved stripes on the front of his body. It had a tail as well. Unsurprisingly, no hands. And two, tiny black eyes. His vacant, soulless stare always made me feel the creeps. The thing had zero personality whatsoever. When other pokèmons would display clear happiness, anger, sadness, this little shit would just stare with the same horrifying smile. Never changing, never blinking.

So, armed with a soulless creature from the depths darkest depths of sea (actually, from the local pond), I set out. Leaving the Pewter city, yes, my hometown, I decided to aim straight for Cinnabar Island. Since the leader there was a fire type trainer, I figured I'll sike Droplet on his poor fire Pokémon. Maybe check out some bikini clad girls while I'm at it. After that, I'd come back to Pewter city, see mom and dad, then beat the crap out of Brock. He's our city's gym leader. Rock type trainer. Easy kill. With two badges under my belt, it should be enough to attract the attention of some girls. Maybe even trainer girls.

I was planning on cutting through Viridian forest to get straight on to Route 17. From there, hitch a lapras ride from some trainer to Cinnabar Island. Alas, it was not meant to be. I encountered a trainer in the forest.

The kid dressed like one of those cringy trainers. Bright colored jacket and pants, a snapback cap, and a backpack. And he was probably a whole year younger than me. He even had the audacity to make fun of me for starting my Pokémon journey so late. He called me old for crying out loud. So I challenged him, thinking that I'll stomp the bitch into the ground and thus kick-start my girlfriend searching journey with a satisfying win.

Lo and behold my fucking surprise when he brought out a Venosaur and blasted Droplet to fuck all. And as I watched that Solar Beam shred down Droplet, the shining ethereal light from the attack made me reach enlightenment.

I was too stupid to handle the outside world. Autism can only get a twelve year old so far before hitting a wall. So I packed what scraps remained from my 'starter Pokémon' and scurried back to my town as that trainer douche laughed his ass off. Beaten by an eleven year old pro wannabe. Tragic could not begin to describe the state of my self esteem, which I admit, lacked even in my crotch region.

So here I am, two years later. Sitting in my tiny room in the middle of nowhere, pondering on my minuscule dreams and hoping for a brighter tomorrow.

Oh yeah, Droplet lived. Unfortunately, the pokècenter managed to stitch him back together.

I'm fourteen now, applying for a job at a local fast foot joint as a shitter scrubber. Not the life I imagined for myself, but fuck it. My father is already disappointed in me as it is, so at least I'll earn my own lunch. Hey, maybe I'll be able to rent out my own place somewhere in a far corner of the Pewter city. There's only so many disappointed looks from my father and sad sighs from my mom that I can handle.

Unfortunately, as all things in life, my plan was not meant to be fulfilled as the universe decided to deny me of that too.

Oh god, what time it is? My clock! It didn't ring. Piece of electrical crap. I was gifted an electrical clock in a form of Pikachu head from my grandma. Made of weak plastic and cheap materials, ordered from Unova region. And today, my first day at my first job, it didn't go off. God damn it grandma! I knew that bitch was bad news from the start.

Snapping open my eyes, I ninjaned my way out of the bed. Alas, my leg got wrapped in my cover and I took a dive into the floor. I think I cracked a rib. But whatever. I got to get to work.

Ripping open my closet doors, I went through my clothes. Right, I'll be scrubbing toilets today. For the rest of my natural life. There for, no fancy clothes. Not that I have any to begin with. Brown sweatpants, blue shirt, sandals and socks. That'll do.

I rushed out into the hallway and into the bathroom next door. Hygiene is important after all. I deposited some toothpaste into my mouth, chewed it and downed it with tap water. Good enough.

I barged into the living room. Father was already out, working as a street cleaner. Big pokèmon, once outside their pokéball, tend to do their potty breaks wherever they feel like it. I found my mom on the couch, watching some drama show. She had Droplet in her lap and was petting it. The little Wooper slowly turned its head around like a machine and set it's gaze on me with that same creepy smile.

As always, he spent his days on the couch, eyes glued to the television while getting petted by my mom.

Once I dashed to the door, I heard small footsteps behind me. Turn around, see the water pokèmon by my leg. "No, Droplet. Stay! Stay back! Power of Arceus compels you!" I couldn't let him follow me to work. Or let him out in general. God knows what sort of calamity would befall Pewter city.

Ever since our unfortunate outing two years ago, whenever I would go outside, this little spawn of hell would try to follow me out the door. Guess he still didn't want to let go of the idea that he will forever remain my mom's pet. That or he wanted to burn down the neighborhood. I'm still not sure.

Once I securely exited my house perimeter and made sure that Droplet didn't get out, I made my way towards PikaDiner. Yeah, that's the name of the fast food restaurant. Look, I didn't name the fucking thing, alright?

People had their pokémon out in the open pretty much all the time. Little kids were playing with their pokèmon in the park which I ran past. The street was always asinine to get through, since the pokèmon owners, trainers and pet keepers alike, had them outside the pokéballs too. It honestly sucks. Imagine how much fucking space a Rhyhorn or a Snorlax takes up in a street. And even now, I lost count of how many times I bumped into some pokèmon. I even got zapped when I tripped over a Pichu. Ironic.

Cursing at whatever dumbass that didn't watch over that pokémon, I got to the diner. The interior of the building is entirely Pikachu themed. Seats, Pikachu face. Tables, Pikachu. Food, guess what? Pikachu. Seriously, what is up with people and that rat pokèmon? Fucking thing doesn't even look like it deserves the hype that it gets.

"Felix! You're on time!" Announced my manager upon spotting me. God, even he dressed in all yellow. And workplace, not a single hot girl in sight too. All the workers, were teens with so much acne on their face, that combined with the contrast of their uniform, looked like exotic berries.

"Yes, sir!" I saluted like a soldier, "Ready to start my fir-"

"Fantastic. Bathroom stall two. Some old lady made a mess in there. " He handed me a bucket of water, a toilet brush and went back to ordering around more important people.

Great. First day on the job, and I already feel like I want to join a terrorist gang, like Team Rocket. Epic foreshadowing aside, I clenched my ass cheeks, scrunched up my nose and dove into the bathroom.

And immediately, the smell that sexualy harassed my nostrils was horrifying. The manager wasn't kidding about the mess. It smelled as if a Ratata got stuck in a wall, pissed itself and died.

There were three bathroom stalls, one of which seemed occupied. I have no clue how the poor bastard was holding up in this gas chamber, but I silently wished him good luck. First stall was clear, which meant, it was the third one.

And oh my Arceus, it was horrendous. The toilet didn't look like a toilet anymore. It was a fucking crime scene. There were puddles of brown on the floor as well. And in the humid, plus eighty degrees summer heat, the air was approaching swamps of dagobah level of stank, so I had to get to work before I pass.

I was cleansing the old woman's sin for six minutes straight. Barely made any progress. At this point I was contemplating on dropping it and calling the clean up crew.

Once I got to the outer rim of the toilet, something grabbed my hand. A slimy, violet thing hand. I think it belongs to Muk, a gooey, slimy pokémon of severs. But at this point, I didn't care. I started thrashing and screaming, trying to pry my hand loose out of the clutches of the violet diarrhea monster that tried to pull me into the shitter. I began whacking it's claw with the toilet brush while crying for help, little to no effect. Toilet brush, surprisingly ineffective against poison types, go figure.

The bathroom door suddenly opened. A lanky man dressed in a white lab coat with a gas mask stepped inside.

My savior had arrived. Except, he wasn't exactly what I was expecting. He's a scientist, working for the local pokémon lab. Assistant to the professor, Berkley.

I just call him Buttstank. Because he's always surrounded by those ozone damaging pokémon. You know, Weezing, Koffing, Grimer, Muk. But his favorite, from what I have seen, is that fat, rat pokémon made of garbage. Smells like him too.

Whenever I would go outside and catch a whiff of disturbing smell carried by the wind, I'd always know who's sauntering down the street. I couldn't stand near the dude for two minutes without retching.

"Tuxin! There you are! Let go of this handicapped child, now!" He ordered the terrible monster to release me, and it complied. The second I was free, I ran out of the bath stall on all fours.

I don't remember what happened afterwards because I passed out while crying and vomiting.

I woke up in a brightly lit room. My shirt was stained with puke, I had diarrhea on my pants, and a piece of it soaked through my socks. I mean, it's a mess on me. Now that I had inspected my damage, there were other things to address here.

The room I was in. It looked like a lounge. One of those break rooms that workers go to have a coffee and discuss what Lary did to his wife yesterday and why he's facing trial tomorrow.

The couch I was on definitely looked expensive. Not sure why would anyone put me here, considering the state of my clothes. Must've been that savior in shining armor with the aroma of roses. Not that smart for an assistant. And man I'm hungry. I didn't get breakfast, and whatever dinner from yesterday I had is probably all over the PikaDiners floor right now.

There were cupboards, and a table. Someone had left their tea there. That's one thing down. I went through the said cupboards. Found a lot of cookies and chocolate.

When I began indulging I'm the sweets to satiate my hunger, I heard a door open. In came the same lanky guy wearing a lab coat, minus the gas mask. Dark brown hair and violet eyes. That's definitely him. Berkley Buttstank. That ain't his last name, but that smell. Yeesh, pretty much announces his presence.

"Ah, I can see you're helping yourself to the snacks." He said in a strict yet polite manner like a gentleman.

I turned around with a face full of chocolate and cookies in my mouth. One even slowly dripped down my chin. I grabbed someone's leftover tea and took a big sip. All throughout my loud, intimate love making to the cup, Berkley grew more appalled to my manners. "I see you also took the liking of my cup. Please, keep it."

"Yeah, I'm 'assisting' myself to your food. Get it? Cuz you're not a professor? Only his lackey? Get it?"

"...indeed." He put heavy emphasis on the word with a stern expression. I must've touched a nerve there. "It is good to see your appetite is there, considering what you had to go through."

"Oh? The toilet? Nah man, ain't the worst." I laughed and took another swing of the tea. Man did it taste nasty. Who drinks tea with milk? Oh yeah, this tall bastard in a coat. "You'd be surprised what I would do for money."

"Oh really?" He replied with a smirk. On no. That look of intrigue on his face. Like a predator that got presented with a golden opportunity. I didn't like it one bit.

"So why did you bring me here? Gonna take pity on the bathroom scrubber, give me a pokémon and send me out or something?" Yeah, the classic 'professor gives Pokémon to the kid and he goes out to challenge the gyms' kind of route. "Let me tell you, I'm fully booked nowadays, but give me a call twelve years from now and I'll consider it."

"I brought you here to give you a break, and to formally apologize for what my little rascal Tuxin put you through." He replied without missing a beat with a gentle smile. Man this dude was fake, his face was like a mask.

I just hummed in acknowledgement and continued to devour all the sugary goods in the cupboards. Yet out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Buttstank wanted to say something more. Nearly a full minute later of me pigging out on the snacks and him just standing there like a statue, Buttstank spoke up again.

"Let me ask you something, Felix." He began, yet unlike when he spoke before, with formality, there was now a certain smoothness to his voice. "Do you seriously see yourself working as a bathroom cleaner for the rest of your days? Barely enough money to pay the bills? Barely enough for food? Constantly at the bottom of society? Never able to achieve something more?"

"..." I stopped chewing and acted like I was giving it a serious thought. "Yeah." I simply stated after five seconds. "Thanks for bringing me here to rest and stuff. Now if you excuse me, I gotta go back to PikeDiner and cleanse my own mess." I grumbled under my nose and went towards the door. I still had a full day's of work left and who knows how long was I out.

Unfortunately, Buttstank had no intention of letting me go. As evidenced by the strong grip that landed on my shoulder to keep me from reaching the exit. "Well I don't believe that. See I believe that fate has led me to you for a reason."

"Fate, as in your diarrhea pet, that attacked me and you just happened to be there?" I asked while turning to face him with a sharp turn, thus making him release me.

"Quite." He replied with the same, unchanging expression. He then took a step closer and lowered his voice as if someone was listening to us. "Between you and me, I'm tired of working as an assistant here. It's awful, like your clothes. Having to take orders from the dumb professor. I mean, we research things that don't even matter!"

"We spent two years trying to determine whether or not Oddish migration is related to pollen for crying out loud." I could hear and see the frustration in the guy. Those violet eyes of his were sparkling with intensity as he spoke, "And now, professor Jayla, stuck me with the studying of the…guh...smelly pokèmon." His lip curled downwards out of sickening disgust. I don't blame him. Dude looks quite uptight. That also explains why he wears a gas mask when dealing with nasty situations.

He stared me down eye to eye, and that look of his. It certainly didn't promise anything good. "So, when you look at it, you and I share the same fate."

I sneezed. Right in his face. My shirt was wet with vomit and I easily succumb to cold water. That much was expected. And while Berkley was blinking out my saliva out of his face with the same, stone cold expression, I wiped my nose on my shirt. "So, what is it that you want?" I asked with a sniff.

"I want to become a true professor! Get my own lab! My own funding from the government, so that I could focus on the things that truly matter!" Now I could hear passion within his words. Just as it came, it was gone. He relaxed again and returned to his self controlled and strict state. "And this is where you come in."

"Oh boy, here we go…"

"I need to conduct studies on something huge, something, GRAND! To give me that career boost, if you catch my meaning." He paused for dramatic effect. "A pokémon that no trainer has caught. A legendary."

We have been taught in school that it is illegal to capture a legendary Pokémon. Not only are they're too powerful to be commanded by simple trainers, but some of them are actually tied to keeping the world, the very nature, functioning. They're the guardians, the gods, the saints and the protectors and we, the humans, only inhabit their world. We don't get to control it. And it ain't exactly easy, or safe, to bring down a legendary pokèmon.

So plucking one away from whatever it is that they do, could yield some unwanted consequences.

"And I suppose you want me to…capture one." I finished his train of thought and Buttstank nodded. Okay, it's time I set this dude straight, "Professor Buttst…Berkley, you do realize that I ain't a trainer, right?" I calmly explained to him. "My last attempt didn't end swell. I'm already too old to set out on a journey."

Then there was another issue with his request. "Top it all of, catching a legendary Pokémon is like the hardest thing to do! They're legendary, for a reason."

"It's never too late to start your journey, Felix." Buttstank said confidently. As if this age old saying will motivate me. "I will become a famous professor with your help. With fame comes power. With power comes money. And with money, I could grant you any wish you have."

Any wish? With money? That made me give his proposal another thought. It has been two years. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to try. After all, maybe shitty jobs can wait.

"With enough money, you can even buy love."

"Oh, I like that." Shitty jobs definitely can wait. Money. Oh the sweet nectar of sinful temptation. Count me the fuck in. "Alright, I'm down. How do we do this?"

Buttstank smiled and gestured to follow him. "I knew you would accept. I can see your desire. It gives you focus, makes you stronger."

He led me through a long corridor lit up by luminescent lights. Pictures of pokèmon and public data charts were hung on the walls. Not that any normal person cared for those things. "You will set out on a journey and acquire pokèmon. Meanwhile, I will track sightings and reports of legendary pokèmon in this region. As an assistant to the professor, I get access to the research database, since we do keep track of those beasts and attempt to study them from afar."

I nodded in understanding. Of course, how else would I find one of those mythical monsters.

I assume the room we entered was the main one for the researchers to conduct their studies because it was filled with scientific machinery and computers. Buttstank took out a key from his pocket and went towards one of the desks. Probably his work station or something. He returned a moment later with a red, sleek notebook in his hand.

He gave it to me, and I found that it wasn't a book, but rather a thin, metallic phone of some kind. It folded open to reveal a screen and some buttons.

"This is a pokèdex, one of the older generation ones. The only difference is, it's a hacked one. With this, I can send you the latest information of sighted legendary pokèmon." And right off the bat, illegal stuff. Maybe I should have thought this through with time?

"Since the pokèdex shows in what areas you captured the pokèmon, it will work almost the same with the provided data." He then got uncomfortably serious as he spoke, "I should probably mention that no person must know about this."

"Dude, I ain't ten, I know what the prison is and I don't plan on visiting it any time soon." I put the pokedex in my pocket. Now all we needed to discuss is my pay.

"And that's exactly why I picked you. Not bound by righteousness, but by desire. Mind not bogged down by science-" In his words, a simpleton who will do as requested without questioning. Yeah, that's not going to happen. If at any point he tries to screw me over, I'll let him have some justice. Plus, physics was my favorite subject in school so I'm not that retarded. "Ah! I almost forgot, your starter pokémon-"

"That won't be necessary. Already have one." I wonder if my mom will let me take Droplet again. Well, if she doesn't, I'll just return here. "With this out of the way, let's talk money." My most favorite topic of this entire, unexpected event.

Ten minutes and some heated negotiations later, I managed to coax a promise of forty percent of all his earnings if I get a legendary to him. We also exchanged phone numbers to keep in contact. And now I guess I'll have to go and start my journey. Again. And this time, no giving up. Fuck.

By the end of this, I should be with my dream woman. Holy hell! If I do end up getting a girlfriend throughout this journey, I won't even need to spend my cut of cash on getting one. I'll be rich and have love. Booyah, bitch!

Once I got back home, I sneaked past my mother into the bathroom to shower. Changed my clothes, grabbed a backpack, stuffed it with spare clothing and a sleeping bag. I also took my meager savings of fifty dollars. Now came the deciding moment.

I found Droplet in his pet bed, staring holes into the wall. As per usual, he didn't even react when I approached him. "Droplet, c'mere." No reaction. Okay then. I cleared my throat and said, "Say, how about we give this journey thing a second try, eh?"

He just stared at the wall, giving no reaction to what I said. I couldn't tell what he was thinking at all. We need a means of communication. "Blink once for no, two for yes."

He didn't blink. Know what? Whatever, I'm just going to take him. I took his pokéball from the kitchen, grabbed Droplet under my arm and went outside. I also notified my mom on my way out the door. "I'm off to capture a legendary pokèmon and get a girlfriend, tell dad I'm dead!"

"Alright sweetie, stay safe!"

I believe it's a custom to have your starter out and following you around. I'll only do that outside of the cities. Last thing I need is for my starter to get snatched. So once I got outside, I returned Droplet to his pokéball and set out on my journey.

And so began the most anus pulverizing crap fest in my entire fucking life. Pun intended.

-End of chapter 1-