Author's Note: Hello my plebs. I've essentially committed PLAGVRVS*MAXIMVS by basing this off of Dovahhatty's objective, detailed, and accurate history series, "The Unbiased History of Rome" on Youtube. You can tell it's unbiased because it has the word in the title. I'm definitely reusing and recycling many of the jokes from that series, including a lot of the blatant latinizing, for Konoha, even though Naruto is based in Japanese, not Latin. Too bad, the Japanese call it ROMAnji for a reason.
Considering this, for those that don't know Dovahhatty's series, there's a lot of racy humor to be found. Mr. Hatty possesses an offensive, blunt, /pol style of telling jokes. Coincidentally, I rather enjoy this style, and have attempted to replicate it in this tale. I understand anyone who may be turned off by this particular brand of dark humor, but let us agree to simply go our separate ways, instead of trying to forcefully change one another. It is a mistake "to compel others to believe and live as we do" as Marcus Tullius Cicero has written.
Chapter 1: Konoha ""Mythology""
There once was a dream, a dream to purge this ninja world of the barbarity that infested it. But, before we begin, we must go to before the beginning.
The world was in a dark age. Barbarian clans infested the land, shitting and raping each other from sunset to sundown, only to retreat to their mudhuts to get some rest.
From beyond the heavens, a divine messenger arrived. KAGVVA, the "Rabbit Goddess". It was her who introduced the foundations of civilization itself, CHAKRA. With it, she attempted to civilize the barbarians by teaching them how to utilize such a divine gift.
But, being the micro brains they were, the barbarians simply saw it as another tool to fuel their countless wars against each other. Such was the filth before her, that even the messenger herself was corrupted, ruling just as tyrannically as the barbarian rulers that surrounded her.
Luckily, where she failed, He succeeded. While spending time as Earth's divine civilizer, Kaguya gave birth to two sons, HAGOROMA (emphasis on the ROMA part), and HOMVRA. It was Hagoromo who inherited the majority of his mother's divine strength, but, of course, not being a woman, he was able to better resist barbaric corruption. His brother, Homura was …. there …. but he's not really relevant, not now at least.
So while Kaguya was being the ultimate Karen and micromanaging everybody's lives with the INFINATE*TSVKVVIOMI, Hagoromo locked himself away, and began to autisitcally study his mother's technique.
Eventually, with the help from his irrelevant brother, Hagoromo was able to free the people of the world, ending his mother's tyranny forever. Good riddance.
Now, with the world in the palm of his hands, Hagoromo rejected the temptation to fill the power vacuum, instead seeking to civilize the world in a more humble way. In his infinite wisdom, Hagoromo gave the plebs a code to harness and control their Chakra, as well as a religion to banish away apathy and nihilism. The Ninja Creed, NINSHV, was born.
With this new, civilizing faith, Ninshu began calming the barbarian clans, giving birth to the first seeds of advanced societies. For bringing such a glorious light into the world, Hagoromo was given the illustrious title, SAGE*OF*SEX*PATHS.
As the sage, Hagoromo built the world in his image, not through barbaric brute force, but through cooperation and charisma. It helped that he had such divine strength to back him up. If the plebs needed any more convincing, he was willing to perform miracles, like the one time he made the moon.
While the world was experiencing a period of unprecedented peace and prosperity, the Sage of Six Paths settled down with a mortal woman, and produced two suns. The lesson to be learned here, my pleb, is that greatness isn't always inherited.
At least, inheritance didn't work out in the best ways. His elder son, INDRA, possessed his father's divine power, but lacked his divine will. He became an emo, anti-social asshole, bent on the complete control of anyone around him, like Kaguya before. The younger brother, ASVRA, however, was incredibly promising, despite a lack of divine power.
Like his father, Asura wished to continue to civilize the world with Ninshu, bringing society to greater heights. Though lacking in fancy pants techniques, Asura nonetheless possessed unequaled charisma, beauty, and a strong work ethic. A true CHADDVS*MAXIMVS to the very end.
Naturally, Asura was the right choice for succession. But, resentment brings out the worst in all, especially those who want to take what they haven't earned. And so, Indra's envy and resentment towards his brother grew. He was revolted at the existence of someone so perfect, even more so to one whom he owed his succession to, as well as his loyalty.
On his father's death bed, his betrayal was set. As his father made the only sane choice for succession, Indra, the CLITORVS*MAXIMVS he was, rejected Hagoromo's decision, and challenged Asura for the title. The battle for the fate of the world was on, between Asura's benevolent leadership, or Indra's barbaric tyranny.
Indra began taking the initiative, gaining the advantage over his brother due to his unearned inherited power. Such advantage only lasted for a short while, for Asura, like his father, possessed an almost obsessive drive towards self-improvement, began unleashing his newfound power. Asura won in the most Chad way possible, defeating his "muh stonkest dojutsu in za warudo" brother with the might of his humongous wood …
… techniques.
Utterly defeated, Indra retreated like the coward he was, vowing to bring Asura's, and his father's dream's to come crashing down. What a patricidal cu-
-But let's not linger on that. For Indra would set out a curse that would strangle the world, and bring it down back to dark age barbarity. For the first time in his life, he worked hard, but not to build, but to destroy. He gave birth to a new, corrupted religion, a parody of the Ninja creed, NINIVTSV.
Seeing this heresy for what it really was, Asura fought all his life to combat the spread of Ninjutsu throughout the world. But the clock was ticking, and the damage became permanent. The years would take their toll on Asura. He would bear worthy heirs that would continue his dream, but he would not see it realized.
Asura died in a doomed world, sinking back into barbarity. His brother, seeing his work finished, died shortly after, leaving his own heirs to inherit his spite. Yeah, imagine that, an actual woman slept with that emo bastard. Don't think on it too much.
But, that's enough on Indra and his descendants. More on them later, much more, unfortunately. Back to Asura's heirs.
Asura's heirs would be fruitful and multiply. They were forced to partake in the petty wars and clan politics that broke out, in an era that would be as violent as the pre-Kaguya dark-age, the Warring States Period. It was there that they would take the name SENIV, the light for all civilization, and a beacon in a dark world, that was about to get brighter, once more.
The dream called Konoha, was about to be realized.