Present-day - Stark Tower Party

Natasha's perspective

I reclined against the soft leather of Stark's sofa. No matter how much time I spent trying to get used to the feeling, the softness irritates me. It feels as though I am floating on air, my sense of balance completely disoriented. It took me back to those awful days trapped inside her head, those days as Natalia.

Just thinking of her sent a chill down my spine.

She was my secret, my inner beast. The one I had forced out and subdued that fateful year in 2005. She had tried to seize back control several times but I always managed to keep her under. Now she had fallen silent. I had heard nothing for years. Perhaps she had accepted defeat.

She still left her mark on me, however. Behaviours carried over from the red room, thoughts and memories, some more disturbing than others. My mind began to slip as if to confirm my words, the soft leather arousing some very unpleasant memories.

The only times I encountered softness was inside my targets rooms, penthouses and sprawling estates. Laying sprawled and vulnerable, watching leering old men and the odd woman gaze at me with undisguised hunger. The thoughts that were no doubt running through their heads and the feeling that if I failed, they would-

No!

I forced myself out of my memories by grinding my hips against that spring in the sofa. The cold metal ground against my skin and I felt back in reality again. I had discovered it weeks ago. I could have informed Stark, no doubt he would have a fit if there was a fault in his home but I kept it concealed. It was my anchor, the thing that kept me grounded as I reclined on the impossibly soft leather.

I took a sip from my Martini, appreciating the Vodka that flowed into my system. I may need a heavier dose tonight to drown the memories. They seemed especially eager to break free of the locks I had them placed under. I shouldn't be surprised.

Every time the team and I accomplished something good, I thought my ledger was becoming more balanced. Yet, after that encounter with Loki when I was interrogating him, his words kept coming back to haunt me. I could still hear his mocking and scalding words threatening to crack the mask I had painstakingly maintained over the years.

"Can you really wipe out that much red?"

I fought to control myself as my breathing became more erratic and a surge of lightheadedness left me feeling faint. No matter the good I did, nothing could outweigh the horrors I had inflicted. I could only delude myself so much.

"Pff, its a trick!" came Clint's voice, laughing and bringing me out of my thoughts. I swallowed down another sip of my martini, the extra dose of Vodka containing the memories. Sure it may be a delusion to consider myself good. But what was the harm in letting that delusion last for a few minutes longer?

"It is not my friends, no joke" Thor boomed back, his loud voice causing the other conversations around the room to die down.

"I mean really? Whoever shall be worthy can pick up the hammer and possess the power? What kind of lock is that? Must be a trick" Clint insisted and Thor's eyes shone with a mischevious glint.

"By all means then. Prove me wrong" he said, gesturing to the hammer.

Clint spluttered, trying to find an excuse to back out but with the cheers and jabs from Tony, he gave in. I leant back in amusement as he made a big show of warming up before grasping the hammer.

This should be interesting.

He made a show of trying to lift it nonchalantly before his brow furrowed in confusion. He then grabbed the handle with both hands and tried to pull it. I could see the muscles rippling through his arm and yet the hammer didn't even budge.

"How the hell do you do that?" Clint wondered, his tone more reverential now.

Before Thor could respond, Tony gave a sarcastic snort.

"If you think you are any more capable, knock yourself out Stark," Clint said with a grin, passing the responsibility to him.

"Watch and learn Legolas, it's just simple physics," Stark said as he wrapped his hands around the handle and gave it a firm pull. His face shifted from cocky to contemplative as he tried in vain to make the hammer move.

"My god Stark. Is there something even your ego cannot move?" I asked with a challenging smile and that earned a round of laughter.

"Zip it, Romanoff!" Tony shot back sharply, his eyes glinting dangerously.

I kept my face impassive, not allowing the surprise to ripple across my features. He knew what I thought of him, he had read my report to Fury about his narcissism so why was he so sensitive about it? Perhaps he really was trying to make himself better?

Good luck with that.

Believe me, I tried.

"Just to be clear Thor, if I lift this hammer I can rule Asgard?" Tony asked Thor who gave a confident nod.

"I'll be right back."

And with that, Tony left the room in the direction of his lab.

With his departure, the tension that I had not been fully aware of vanished and conversations sparked off again.

"Anyone got any room for Pizza? I need to collect a few things in town and I can drop by to pick up a pizza along the way" Helen Cho asked.

"Pizza? Is that some sort of alcohol? Because I have to say, your earthly ones are weak compared to the ones back on Asgard" Thor said with an accompanying belch.

Maria Hill met my eyes across the room and gave me an amused grin.

"Pizza is a type of food," Steve said kindly.

"The best kind of food there is. Nothing beats a classic pizza!" Rhodey exclaimed.

"How about toppings?" Helen asked as she collected her things.

"I'm fine for anything. Except for pineapple. Only a monster could like pineapple on pizza" Clint said jokingly.

Bruce looked away sheepishly and his cheeks flushed red. Poor guy, just couldn't catch a break. I didn't want to leave him like that but Maria was looking at me expectantly.

"Excuse me for a moment," I said with an instinctual purr as I unwrapped my legs from Bruce and got up. I inwardly cringed at how I was acting around him. Was I really trying to play the flirtation game with Banner? He was a good man, often a little too naive and optimistic for his own good.

Just like Steve.

Yet at least he recognised what I was doing and put me in my place. I was glad for that. The Red Room's training had left me performing behaviours that I didn't fully recognise or desire, yet I did them on instinct. I respected Steve for recognising the behaviour for what it was and shutting it down without blaming me. He should but I appreciate his delusion that I was a good person. If he could believe it long enough, eventually I could believe it too.

"Come back soon!" Bruce called out after me before cursing himself under his breath for coming across as too needy. I smiled inwardly, his words confirming my assessment. Poor Bruce, he never asked to be saddled with a monster. He also never asked for the Hulk either. Yet he was coping, even if he had some low points throughout his life. I emphasised with that, perhaps more than he would want.

"See you all in a bit," Helen said as she left the room.

I navigated my way to where Maria was sitting and sat down next to her. I tried not to give away my discomfort at the softness of the sofa. It must have registered on my face as Maria looked at me in concern.

"You okay?" Maria asked.

"Of course," I said automatically.

She sat there and waited, looking at me patiently. I didn't deserve a friend like her. Though it was impressive I considered her a friend, given our initial meeting. I allowed myself to slip back in time to those days, a lot safer than some of my other memories.