Chapter 4

Addison's POV

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"Olivia I'm fine. This is ridiculous." I snap annoyed. We paid the forty dollars to park and drove around the emergency department parking garage in circles until we were able to finally find a parking space at the very top. I could have just used my parking badge, and parked in the physicians parking, but I wasn't thinking about it. My mind preoccupied with trying to avoid going in. People know me here. I have to come to work here every day. We could have gone to any hospital in New York, and it would have been better than this. New York Presbyterian Hospital is the number one hospital in the city though.

"I can't go in." I say.

"What do you mean you can't go in?" Olivia asks. "Do you want me to get a wheelchair?"

"There's nothing wrong with me, what will I tell them?" I ask her.

"Seriously?" She responds. "Nothing's wrong?"

"I'm fine."

"Well good thing we paid for 24 hours of parking." Olivia says. "Looks like we'll be here a while." She leans her seat back, and pulls a blanket from the back seat, getting comfortable.

"Seriously?" I ask.

"Like you said, I'm pregnant and shouldn't stress myself out over this." She says shrugging. "You say you're fine, I should trust you. If you change your mind let me know, I'll go in with you."

We sit in silence. I don't know how long we're sitting there. I'm lost without my cell phone, and I haven't yet replaced the watch that Derek threw in the fire. I've learned to be quiet though. Through the years of being with Derek I've learned to be still. Barley breathing. Not making a single sound. I've learned to obey orders without question. She turned the car off, so I don't even have the car radio to look at. I don't talk and she doesn't argue further. After a while I realize she's sleeping. I stay silent and let her sleep. The sun is rising over the parking lot garage when she stirs again.

"What the… what time is it?" She asks me. She turns on the car. "Six? Seriously?"

"You fell asleep."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"You said let you know if I change my mind." I remind her. "And it's still raining." I observe.

"You know we're still going in, right?" She asks, annoyed that her plan to out stubborn me didn't work. The exhaustion from this pregnancy and her demanding job too much.

"You needed rest more." I say, gently. "The baby needed rest."

"Don't you dare tell me what my unborn baby needs when you can't even get your own life together." She barks. "You're having a medical emergency, and we're going in. That's that."

"Lets get breakfast first." I offer. "It's not an emergency."

"No. No more distractions."

"Olivia…"

"No Addison." She comes around to my side and tries to help me out of the car. I resist at first, but she grabs me by the shoulders, a little too hard. I gasp, but she doesn't let go, she makes eye contact with me speaking slowly and deliberately. "You're going to walk with me, and we're going to go inside." She says, in a no-nonsense type of way. "Now stand up, lets go." The lines are so blurred, automatically I do as I'm told. She wouldn't hurt me, I know she wouldn't, but yelling or stern tones mean you're about to get hurt if you don't comply. Why am I compliant to the tone of voice when I know that it's Olivia and not Derek? We walk to the elevators, and then when we reach the bottom floor along the hallway to the main entrance.

"Please don't make me do this." I beg, tears filling my eyes. She stands in front of me, watching as I am momentarily frozen looking out the window and watching the rain fall on to the surrounding plants. Her facial expression showing her determination for me to be seen.

"You have a choice to make." She says.

"What choice is that?" I ask. "This is a waste of time Olivia. They can't do anything If I refuse medical treatment. At what point will you see how ridiculous this is? I'm fine. I want to go home."

"To your husband who beat you so bad you were throwing up blood? To the husband you nearly killed trying to get away from?" She asks, raising her eyebrows at me. "I think it's better for the both of you if you have a brief period of separation."

"Olivia this is humiliating. I swear. I just. I just needed to get away for a minute. Why can't we just make a report like normal and call it a day?"

"You're throwing up blood." She says again. As if I need the reminding. My throat still burns from the stomach acid coming up.

"This happens all the time. I told you it's nothing to be concerned about."

"Well, I told you it's not normal." Olivia objects forcefully. My head hurts. I sit down on one of the benches and massage my temples. I wanted to stay at the apartment and sleep, but I didn't have much choice in the matter. I was so tired before. I don't know how I didn't fall asleep in the car after she did. She's stronger than she looks. She practically drug me out of the apartment and shoved me in her vehicle. I was still so weak from the vomiting, but I'm O K now.

"I'll just refuse medical treatment." I say, shaking my head at her. "I'm a grown adult Olivia. Not a child you have to tend to."

"You're not acting like an adult, and you can't refuse if you've passed out." She informs me. A vague memory comes up of when she taught me self-defense. If you press down or hit someone in just the right spot on their neck they will pass out within seconds. I guess she was hoping I would use the things she taught me against Derek. I wasn't strong enough to do that.

FLASHBACK

I think back to our first of many 'training' sessions. Derek was away for the weekend and neither of us had work. I stayed over at her place. We were both wearing leggings, and t-shirts. Our hair pulled back so it's not in our faces. She was standing defensively for balance. She had just showed me the proper way to throw a punch and was holding her hands up, they're wrapped in athletic tape.

'Okay, punch my hands.' She had said.

'No.'

'How will you learn?' She asks.

'I can't.'

'You're capable of far more than what he tells you you are.'

'What if I hurt you?' I ask her.

'Dig deep. You won't, trust me.' She didn't yet know how bad things were. The bruises were easily hidden, and I hadn't yet told her the truth. She just knew that I was unhappy, and saw the way that Derek talked to me when we were all together.

She moves closer towards me, and I instinctively move backwards, stumbling over my own feet and falling hard, my t-shirt coming up. The deep bruise on my ribcage showing. I pull my shirt down quickly, frantic to think of an excuse, any excuse. I know she saw. Her entire demeanor changes. She sits down next to me. I know nothing I say to her would convince her I'm fine. She's worked in the field too long to mistake a bruise like that for a simple accident. We lock eyes, and I shake my head, letting her know I don't want to talk about it. She grabs my hand and helps me up.

'You have to learn.' She says, not pushing the other issue. 'One day it very well might just save your life.'

END FLASHBACK

"You wouldn't." I say, back to present time.

"Try me." She challenges. "You have so many bruises covering your body one more isn't going to stand out." She doesn't say this in a particularly mean way, but I am hurt all the same. I pull my knees up and rest my head on them, passive, non-threatening.

"I don't need to. I know you won't hurt me." She sits down next to me. Her body is so warm against mine.

"You're right. I won't have to." She agrees. "You're doing a fine job that all on your own."

I wake up to the beeping of the monitors. I feel a sharp stabbing pain in my hand and fluids running through my veins. I wiggle my hand, raising it for my inspection. They've inserted an I V. I look up to the bags dripping into my veins. Fluids, nutrition, antibiotics, pain killers and red blood cells.

"What did you do?" I demand as soon as the room stops spinning and my vision clears. I don't particularly remember her doing anything, just sitting down next to me.

"I didn't have to do anything." She says, looking up from her book.

"What happened?"

"You passed out. You lost a lot of blood, you have an infection, you're also anemic."

"Yeah, fucking right." I say angrily. "You're no better than he is."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." She says, closing her book and looking at me concerned. "You really did just pass out; I should have forced you to come in when we first got here."

"I should file charges."

"Against me, but not your abusive husband?" She asks with an actual laugh. "Check out your medical records for yourself if you don't believe me." She says, tossing me the chart from the foot of my bed, but I know that there wouldn't be any traces of the method used.

"I hate you, just leave." I say.

"Not a chance."

"This doesn't concern you."

"You showed up to my house injured in the middle of the night. Even if we pretend like it didn't before it definitely does now. I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth." She says, forceful and heavy. I had overheard her and the doctors talking in the hallway when I was in and out of consciousness. She had called Stabler in, and a couple of other guards were stood outside the door. She didn't come in right away. It had taken the doctor a while to explain all of my injuries, my lab results, etc. I know I'm fine though. This is extremely mild on the spectrum of things Derek has done to me over the years. I don't need a doctor to confirm what I already know to be true. If she wasn't sitting right here next to me now, I'd be pulling these tubes and wires out, and leaving. I wouldn't get far with her here though. The pain killers they gave me have me feeling super weak, and tired. The injuries look bad, they sound bad, especially when they're all jumbled together, but things always sound worse than they really are.

"Why would I tell you the truth? You lie as much as I do." I state, beginning to descend into a panicked confusion. Is she lying or am I just so distrustful of everyone that I am naturally suspicious and don't recognize kindness for what it truly is?

"I need you to trust me." She says. "You needed treatment. You could have died, again. Your platelet count was extremely low." She looks so sad, haunted by the memories of the past. I don't say anything, just watching the various liquids flowing through the tubes.

"Get out." I finally say.

"Excuse me?"

"Get out of my room now."

"No. I'm not going. We have to talk about this Addison. You're confused right now, but everything's going to be okay."

"I'm not confused. You CANNOT just use your training against people." I say, but I am trying to keep my voice on the lower end of loud. I don't need the nosey nursey involved.

"I didn't." She insists. "I totally would have though if it meant saving your ass."

"What if I didn't want to be saved?" I shoot back, just as one of the doctors comes in and pulls Olivia out of the room for a moment more. I can't fathom why we as doctors pull people out of the room and then stand right outside the door to talk. It makes no sense. It's not like they are suddenly muted because they stepped ten feet away. I try and zone them out, but I still catch bits and pieces of their conversation.

'The rape kit tested positive for fluids.'

'Extensive scarring consistent with long term sexual abuse.'

'Level two tear.'

'Old fractures.'

'She trusts you, maybe she'll talk to you, here's a blank report.'

'Do me a favor and catch the bastard. I don't want to see any more of his handiwork.'

How do they know I trust Olivia? Someone must be on duty who knows me. Someone who has been here a long time and remembers when we were just friends, and when we were dating. She used to come to the hospital to visit. We'd have lunch together, or just spend time with each other. If we were on an overnight shift, we'd take our breaks at the same time. She'd visit the hospital and we'd have coffee or when we started dating 'visit' the on-call room. I should have never let her bring me to the hospital I work at. This can't possibly end well. She comes back inside and gives me a sad little grimace.

"I know you heard that." She says. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asks. She knows as well as I do that going outside is just a formality.

"No."

"Addison…"

"You can't do a rape kit without my consent. It's against the law."

"I'm sorry. You were unconscious. I am still your emergency contact, and consented when the doctors asked me, after it was apparent you've been assaulted."

"This day just keeps getting better and better." I say sarcastically. "Anymore surprises?"

"You're not dead. Derek hasn't managed to kill you yet. I'm always pleasantly surprised when that happens."

"Oh, fuck off." I say. "I wasn't raped. We've been experimenting lately with different techniques. I didn't want to say anything, but we're trying for a baby. I'm ovulating. It was consensual." She looks at me, dumbstruck.

"You're kidding right?" She asks me. "Sterilization has a 99.9% success rate at preventing pregnancies."

"He found out and we had a reversal done."

"Funny." She says, looking like she'd like to murder me right now, struggling to keep her composure. "I remember you choosing the most invasive option so there would be less than zero percent chance of pregnancy, and no option to have it reversed. They made you sign like forty-two different consent forms. They made me sign consent forms because we were technically dating at the time. They stated over and over again that there were no options to reverse this procedure." I think it is absolutely stupid that they still require a partners signature for procedures such as this. It's not even the law anymore, in forty seven of the fifty states, but each individual clinic or hospital still has the right to make their own policies and procedures to abide by.

"My sex life is none of your business Olivia." I say.

"So that's what we're calling it now?" She asks, throwing her hands up in the air frustrated and backing away.

"Is this how you treat all of the victims you interview, or have you saved up this hostility especially for me?" I ask. I hate using the word victim. I don't see myself as a victim, but I know it will register with her, as it's the terminology they use at her work.

"I don't like being lied to." She informs me.

"The feeling's mutual."

"Fine."

"OK." I say, sighing.

"The truth this time?" She asks, gentler. "Why are you lying to me."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry Addison, just do better." She says, and I start crying. "I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth. That's all I've ever asked of you."

"I don't want to be here." I finally say, looking up at her. "I don't think I can be in this day any longer."

"I don't know what that means." She says, coming closer again, that same burrowing look of concern. "Addison…" She says my name so gently. "I need you to tell me what that means."

"I thought maybe I was going to die. I don't want to die in that house Olivia. I don't want my soul to forever be trapped there." I say, and she looks confused. "Nevermind. It's nothing, I was clearly wrong. I'm not dying."

"Addison…"

"I'm fine Olivia, just tired. Maybe they can knock me out again? Especially if they're keeping me overnight for observation." I suggest. She has that look in her eyes though. She knows the things that cloud my mind during the dark times. I've told her before; she's seen it firsthand. One of the many times I left Derek and went back to her he began harassing us nonstop. We got a restraining order, and when we did, he started having other people harass us. I just wanted everything to stop. It was taking a toll on my mental health, and on our relationship. I told Olivia I was fine, just tired, and went to the upstairs bathroom to 'brush my teeth'. I don't know what made me do it, but when I looked in the mirror, I couldn't recognize myself. I couldn't breathe. I must have been gone a while because Olivia broke into the bathroom just as I had taken pressed down with the razorblade, slitting my wrists. I collapsed on her, and she held pressure until the paramedics got there. I ended up in emergency surgery with two hundred and thirty-seven stitches holding my veins together instead of fading into the darkness. Into the bliss of escape. I'm here. Still controlled by the daily demons inside of me, still wishing that things could have just ended, but too afraid of what will happen if I try again. Afraid of failing again.

"You wanted to refuse treatment because you want to die?" Olivia asks, her face losing at least two shades as the realization hits.

"I just want to be free." I say. "Sometimes I get this feeling… this feeling to jump off a roof. With the things I do. I can't help it. It's like being on the edge of a roof, all the time. One wrong step, one miscalculated judgment and you fall, and then you're free."

"We're not playing this game today, Addison. You're going to tell me the truth, and the truth isn't that you want to leave Derek. If you wanted to leave him you would have stayed with me, or hell you would have gotten your own place, you would have been safe."

"I'm sorry Olivia. That's not what I meant."

"Oh, it's exactly what you meant to say." She corrects me, pulling up a chair and sitting next to the hospital bed. "You've never been the type of person to not say what you mean."

"I'm fine."

"Well other than that." She say and shakes her head. "What I haven't figured out though is why you're not. This is in your hands Addison. When will you have had enough?" She doesn't even bother to make me show her the injuries as she fills out the injury report based on what the doctor told her. She paperclips the photographs she was given to the file and shows it to me. "All I need is a victim statement for the police report and I can file this report. You don't have to live this way Addison."

"No." I say, shaking my head. "My options ran out a long time ago. I didn't mean to worry you. I should have stayed home, I just got scared, I'm sorry."

"Do you really think I've gone through everything we've been through…" She gestures around the hospital room "For this to end with me attending your funeral?"

"I'm not suicidal Liv. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that."

"Maybe not, but this is worse. You're numb to everything around you and that is terrifying. I guess you're going to have to work harder if you want me to truly believe you're done with the self-destructing." There's that word again. Self- Destruction.

"I would never do anything to hurt you, Olivia." I say, gently.

"You are hurting me though." She says, quietly, moving towards the window and looking out. "Everytime, he hurts you it kills me inside. I just. I don't know how much longer I can do this." She moves her hands subconsciously to her tummy.

"You should go." I say. "I never want you to put me above your children." My voice breaks and I can't continue through the tears. Everything feels like too much, all at once.

"I'm not afraid of Derek Addison. I belong to the biggest gang in the city. I dare him to screw with a member of the NYPD. It's you I'm afraid of." She comes back over to me and takes her hands. I protest, why would she be afraid of me? She looks at me, forcing eye contact and says 'shhh listen.' She grabs my hands tightly. "I have to be selfish. I'm afraid because what about me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Addison if I die nobody's really going to care." She says, I try to debate this, but she gently places her finger on my lips, silencing me. "If you die. I will break. I will be broken. It would break me. I know it's selfish, but Addison, I can't break. I need you."

A FEW DAYS LATER

"You don't have to see him." She reminds me. "We're here. We have your back." She is looking out the window of the hospital room to where Stabler and the other officers are standing, chattering about stuff and nonsense, but ready to step in if needed.

"Well unless you and your crew are moving in with me this is exactly why I need to see him."

"I thought you were coming home with me?" Olivia asks, "That's what we put down on your care plan." I had agreed after the whole I can't live without you speech.

"Yeah." I say. "I'm not afraid, why are you?"

"I'm not." She says, but I don't believe her.

"Now whose lying?" I counter. Her bottom lip is trembling. "Everything's going to be fine." I say. They finally unhooked me from the IV's and I hug her to me, she rests her head on my shoulder. "Calm down, it's okay."

"Don't tell me to calm down." She says, moving away from me, and looking at me as if I'd struck her. "The fact this this is normal to you should have you very afraid. You should be scared to death right now."

"Olivia…"

"No! Don't Olivia me in that condescending tone. I should have taken the shot when I had the chance years ago. I wanted to take him out. Stabler told me to stand down, so I use the taser, but one shot is all I would need." She says the last bit almost seductively as she caresses her weapon attached to her hip. "It should have happened the first time he hurt you."

"You won't."

"You have no idea what I'm capable of. You have no idea the things I've done."

"You'd lose your job; you'd probably be incarcerated. Do you really want your baby born in prison?"

"You were willing to go to prison for him." She points out.

"Olivia you're being a little bit crazy right now. I don't have two children. I haven't anything to lose."

"When will you stop holding the fact that I'm a mother against me? If you think you can do so much better, I'll go take the vacation in prison and you can raise them."

"What are you even talking about? I'm not saying you're a bad mom, you're a fantastic mom Olivia. What I'm saying is I need you. This is not worth catching a case for. It's not worth a life sentence."

"This is already a life sentence. Once again, I'm here, cleaning up your messes."

"And when will YOU stop holding that against me?" I ask.

"You can't blame me for your horrible decision-making skills. If you would have left well enough alone, we wouldn't be here right now." I say, trying not to sound too harsh.

"Like that was ever an option for me. You would be dead. Did you really expect me to play an active part in your death? To let you become another statistic?"

"At this point does it really matter? Wouldn't it have been the more kind of the available options?"

"I guess I just don't love you enough, or maybe I love you too much." She says, looking away from me.

"Enough?"

"Enough to let you kill yourself. Enough to not try everything in my power to stop you from self-destructing. You are like a ticking time bomb Addison, and I'm so afraid that one day you're finally going to have enough and explode."

"Wouldn't it be so much better if that happened away from you? Away from your children? You're not safe as long as I'm in your life. You should go home to Noah. I won't bother you again." I'm worried about the amount of stress I am causing her. I should have never went to her house. I should have just slept it off under a bridge or something. How selfish and cruel am I?

"I love my children." She starts.

"I know you do, so stop with the savior complex and go home."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because I love you too. They're safe." She takes my hands and puts them over her tummy. "This baby is safe in here. Noah is safe at home with Lucy. You're not safe. You're hurting. You're afraid, and you're all alone."

"How can I make this better?"

"Do better." She says those two words again. They are simple, but so complex all at the same time. "Stop making the same mistake and expecting different results. That's the definition of insanity Addison. You are so much more than your past. You just have to be brave enough to believe in yourself. You'll get there. I know you will."

LATER THAT DAY

"Addison, I need you to come home now. I've been so worried about you. I woke up in the hospital and couldn't get ahold of you. I thought something horrible had happened. I looked everywhere."

"Funny I don't have any missed calls or texts from you." Olivia observes, looking at her phone and then to me, shrugging. It's like a flipped switch. She's in detective mode. "Hell of a coincidence. I have full bars. It would have rang through."

"You really shouldn't mix your alcohol and sleeping medicine. You almost died Derek." I say, trying to make my voice sound loving and concerned.

"I'm sorry." He says, coming closer to me and gently kissing me. I freeze, heart racing. I kiss him back. It's automatic. A muscle memory. My mouth remembering all the bloody lips it's had from not kissing him back.

"I'm not sorry." Olivia interrupts. I glare at her. Does she really want to get on his bad side? When Derek showed up at the hospital, she tried pulling rank, letting them know that this was an ongoing domestic violence investigation, but since there is not a restraining order in place there wasn't much, they could say or do. It gave us a few hours while they tried to figure it out though.

"Why would you have missed calls?" Derek asks her. "I don't know your personal phone number. Only your office."

"I'll be confirming that with my squad as soon as I get back." She says, challenging him. Knowing that if something serious were truly going on they would have called her.

"You should" he says, and then turns back to me, hugging me so tightly I'm sure my bones are going to break. I take a gasp of air when he finally lets me go. "I'm so glad I found you. Are you OK? The doctor said you'll be released soon. I have the car with me I can take you home."

"I'm fine." I say. "It's just my anemia acting up again. The doctor gave me an iron infusion, and prescribed a stronger pill." I say, masked in dismissiveness. Olivia doesn't correct me, just lets this slide for the time being. "I'm sorry I scared you."

"It's ok, I'm just glad that it is nothing serious."

"I'm fine." I nod in agreement.

"The hospital will be glad to see you back on Monday. You've got at least 25 voice mails after you missed your last two shifts. I guess they didn't know you were admitted."

"Why do you care?" I ask, feeling a little bit brave with Olivia next to me.

"Why do I care that you vanished without a trace and you're about to get fired from your dream job?" He asks, narrowing his eyes at me warningly. I'm not supposed to ask questions.

"No. Why do you care enough that you want me to come home." I know he's not going to hurt me in a place where his Dreamy reputation would be at stake. "So, you can throw me down the stairs again?" I ask him. "Oh wait. I forgot it's Sunday. Maybe you'll try to drown me again like you did last week."

"That was an accident, baby, this woman is brainwashing you. She is an absolutely horrible influence on you. You slipped, you hit your head. You must still be concussed." He says, and I look over to Olivia. The 'this woman' he is referring to. There are two officers I haven't seen before standing outside the room, watching, waiting. Olivia must have pulled some additional strings to get more officers added to this protective detail when I agreed to this visitation.

"I'm done Derek. We can't do this anymore. This back and forth isn't good for either of us."

"I love you, If I didn't love you, I wouldn't care enough to help you." He says and I press my lips together hard. I won't cry. I won't. I can't.

"I don't need your love. I don't want your help, Derek. I'm fine but thank you for your concern."

"She can't give you what I can." He says, coyly.

"Oh? What's that?"

"You want a baby." He says simply. "Your own baby. More than anything in this world you want a baby. That's why we had the reversal. You regretted your rash decision after the tragic loss of our son. I've seen you browsing the parenting forums, talking with different mothers, helping them on their parenting journeys."

"It is my job." I say, but I lock eyes with Olivia, letting her know without words that what I said about the reversal is true, and he just confirmed. "I admin a group for parents of micro preemies." I say frustrated. Realizing that I didn't even think to ask for the morning after pill, and it's already been several days. "I'm probably still infertile Derek. Reversals don't always work, and even if they did why would I bring another child into this world Derek? Why would I subject them to you when you're the reason our son is dead?"

"You're world lights up when you're around babies. You glow."

"It's my job Derek." I say again, clearly. "None of this matters though. You're making small talk, stalling for time, hoping you can get me alone." I say nodding towards Olivia. "I'm not coming home this time Derek."

"You don't mean that sweetheart. You're confused. You don't understand what you're saying."

"Don't you dare try gaslighting her!" Olivia stands up, walking towards him. "Was throwing her out in the freezing rain an accident as well? She may be bruised on seventy five percent of her body, but she's been cleared by both psych and neuro. She is not confused or misunderstanding things Derek. You're just an abusive piece of shit who deserves a live sentence!" Stabler comes in at Olivia's raised voice. She is right in Derek's face. Stabler pulls her back, but right before Stabler pulls her back she spits in Derek's face.

"She's clearly unstable." Derek says, wiping his face, looking at Olivia with false concern. "How do I know she isn't the one whose been roughing you up? You have been spending a lot of time away from home lately."

"She would never."

"But maybe she did."

"She loves me."

"No. I love you, and a jury would call it reasonable doubt, you're with her more than you're with me."

"You hurt me, that isn't love Derek." I say, and he leans close whispering.

"I'm the only one who will ever love you Addison. Who else would put up with your bullshit? You should have killed yourself when you had the chance."

Stabler and one of the other officers pull him back, and I just stare at him through tears as they usher him from the room, and doubt creeps in. What if he's right?