Rewrite The Stars
Chapter 5
Olivia's POV:
10 Weeks Later
"What are you doing here?" She asks me. I sit down at her desk, resting my head in my hands. She was sitting on the couch drinking an iced green juice when I walked in, she's reading a copy of a pediatric endocrinology magazine and looks up at me from over the top of her glasses frame. "It's not five yet, are you OK?" She asks, looking over at me curiously.
It's been ten whole weeks and she hasn't gone back to him yet. The bruises have healed, and it seems like she's doing better. When she was in the hospital, they did an endoscopy to determine where the bleeding was coming from. They found several actively bleeding ulcers in her stomach caused by severe stress. She could have blead to death. The first week was rough. She couldn't eat or sleep well. She had fierce nightmares, chills, and a horrible fever. The vomiting didn't subside right away. She wouldn't let me touch her, or hold her, or comfort her in anyway. She took off work and slept on the floor in the bedroom closet, coming out only to use the restroom. I have no idea how she was able to continue practicing medicine while with Derek. They did a toxicology screening the hospital and she was found to have nearly twice the normal dosage of Risperidone for someone her weight in her system. My thoughts about her being drugged were correct. Risperidone is a powerful antipsychotic. The first weeks were hard, but she's starting to smile again. She laughs more. She's back to sleeping next to me, and no longer sleeping in the closet. She was able to gain access back to her bank accounts, and get her important paperwork reissued. We haven't heard from Derek and for that I am grateful. Grateful and nervous. I am afraid that he is waiting like a snake until he has the perfect opportunity to strike. I have a feeling he wants her to feel happy, safe, and loved. He wants her to love so that it hurts that much more when he ultimately rips it away from her again.
"I'm fine." I say, looking up at her. I wonder if she can still read all the things I'm not saying. I am exhausted and had taken off a few minutes early. My back has been giving me issues all day, sitting at a desk, doing paperwork all day long only makes that worse. If I didn't need the paycheck I would just quit. I've basically been given the equivalent of what her job would call scut work due to complications with this pregnancy. The thought of fifteen more weeks of this is almost unbearable, and that's if I work up until my due date and don't take maternity leave like Addison is insisting.
"You look exhausted. Please tell me you haven't been activated again. You're supposed to be taking it easy." She reminds me. She is almost as protective of me as I am of her. It's an odd feeling. I'm not used to anyone aside from maybe Stabler looking out for me at this level. It's not something I've grown up with. It's something I had to learn to accept as an adult.
"No, I'm benched until the baby comes. I just took off a little early today. Can I borrow your office for a bit?" I ask her thinking that maybe I can lay my head down and have a nap, or something, before we must go home and relieve Lucy. I've been cramping all day. I'm sure it isn't anything serious though, just the joys and discomfort of playing host to another human being. I don't mention this, sure that if I just get a chance to rest, I'll be fine.
"Of course, you can. Why?"
"I want to kill someone and have no one to help me hide the body." I say, only half joking. It's been a long day at the precinct. There is so much stress on the other officers now that we're one officer down. They've been looking for a temporary replacement for weeks with no luck. Not many people want to work in sex crimes.
"What am I?" She asks. "Chopped liver?" I smile at her. It took a while, but she's more carefree now, more playful. She still has her moments. No one whose faced the trauma she has is unscathed, but she has more good days than bad days lately. I want to fall back into this, to the loving, untroubled, amazing relationship we had. I've had to build some walls to protect myself though. I've seen this so many times before. So many times, I've watched her do well, thrive even before everything goes to shit.
"Ever since I told Elliot about the baby, he can't even look at me. I thought we were over what happened. We went right back to work as usual afterwards. This baby changed everything."
"Sometimes that happens." Addison says, and I wonder how many people like me she sees in a day, whining to her about what a horrible time they're having with the father of their unborn child.
"Elliot finally told Kathy about the baby." I confess.
"That must have been hard for them."
"Especially since he waited for over two months to tell her." I agree distressed.
"I bet you miss him, especially after you've been partners for these many years."
"Yeah." I say, nodding. "Now with me being on desk duty it's even worse. We're not on calls together anymore and when we have to work a case together at the precinct, he's angry, like I'm not pulling my fair share and talks to me like I'm incapable of doing even the simplest tasks." I know I'm whining, but what else is there to do with the situation? I made the choice to keep this baby. It is my responsibility to live with the choice that I've made. Would I have made the same decision if Stabler was opposed to me keeping the baby? The truth is I don't know. I didn't know how much this pregnancy would affect me. When I was younger it was a breeze, now not so much. I thought based on past experiences that I would be able to go to keep going, to work right up until the day I gave birth, to contribute to my squad. It's been twenty-five weeks and the morning sickness still hasn't gone away. I can't train. I can't engage in a foot pursuit with a perp without getting fierce contractions and wheezing for air like an asthmatic. The Captain benched me after the second time I went into preterm labor after a foot pursuit. I had caught and detained both perps, but barley. With the last one I was thrown to the ground before I tased him and arrested him. I am unsure what contributed more, the fact that I have a harder time doing my job OR the fierce arguments that happened between Elliot and I afterwards. He accused me of purposely putting the baby in danger. I told him I should work while I'm able. It always ended badly. I don't know what he expects of me. He knows who I am. I'm not cutout to be a stay at home mom like Kathy is.
They have a garden. She is head of the PTA. She volunteers at her children's school and she is happy in that life. She has devoted her entire life to Elliot and raising their children. We're so different. I would go completely insane. I'm certain if The Captain wouldn't have benched me Addison would have. She's my doctor and unfortunately, she was on call both times I ended up in the hospital. I couldn't have hidden this from her even if I wanted to. I hate this. This complete and utter helplessness. I am supposed to be the strong one. The one who helps everyone. I am supposed to be the one who has everything under control, and I am failing miserably.
"I'm so sorry Olivia." She says. "In a few short months this will be over. You'll be holding your beautiful little baby in your arms, and you'll be back to work shortly after that." We had discussed my plans in detail, both at my last appointment and at home. I have already missed out on the promotion boards due to this pregnancy. My squad is a man down. 1PP is trying to find a temporary replacement, but not many people want to work in sex crimes. Everyone is feeling the strain of me not being able to work to my full potential. This pregnancy has taken enough from me. I want to return to work as soon as humanly possible after this baby is born. Everyone's different but doing nothing is driving me insane. I have always been the type of person who needs to be doing, and constantly.
"I guess." I respond glumly.
"Anything else going on?" She asks. She's watching my body language like she always does. I had fallen silent and was picking my cuticles, thinking of the five hundred other things I still need to do this evening that I'm actively avoiding. I should have caught Stabler before he left. I should have forced him to stay so we could talk this mess out. We've never been distant with each other for this long before.
"Kathy's taking the kids." I respond. "She's leaving him." My voice breaks at this. I don't cry, but the lump in my throat is so painful. I don't even know how much of this she explained to him. Does she know that this wasn't intentional, or does she think we had an affair?
"I'm so sorry." She's just being nice, but I take it all the same.
"He's crushed, he's angry. I know he's got to be hurting. He wouldn't even talk to me today other than to yell at me because his life is going to hell."
"You've had a horrible day." She sympathizes, and I nod but then I feel guilty complaining. My worst day on this earth cannot even almost compare to a single day she's spent with Derek.
"Yeah. He loves those kids Addison. He's an amazing father. He's a good husband to Kathy. I mean of course with our job he's not around all the time, but he does what he can. He shows up." He's the kind of father who plays ball with their kids in the back yard. He goes to school plays and volunteers for career day, and safety meetings at the kid's schools. He attends ballet, soccer, and karate lessons. He's the kind of person I always imagined having in my children's lives.
"I know." She agrees. These simple words calm me. I fidget with the anti-sickness band on my wrist, twisting it tighter and tighter taking deep breaths as it presses the little ball harder into my wrist.
"He's going to lose his children because of me." I say. "I can't even imagine coming home at night and Noah not being there." The tears finally flow as I say my son's name. How is it that someone so new can feel like they've been a member of your family forever? How can you love someone so much you only met a year ago? We celebrated his first birthday. Addison and I blew up balloons. We baked and decorated a cake. We decorated the house and ordered carry out. Everyone from the precinct, and some of the children from the Gymboree soft play group Lucy takes him to. It was small, but nice. I'm glad Addison was here for that. I notice more and more she's helping with Noah. She glows when she is playing with him or taking care of him. She would have been a wonderful mother.
"No. Olivia he's not going to lose them." She says forcefully pulling me out of my thoughts. "This isn't your fault."
"Who's to blame then?" I ask her. I finally came clean a couple of weeks ago and told her exactly what happened. I didn't want it to come between us if we decided to make anything serious of this crazy relationship we have. "If I hadn't agreed to go undercover to check on Stabler this wouldn't have happened." I know I would have done it a million times over again. I'd walk through fire to save his ass if it came to it, but I still feel like I am at least partially to blame for this. I can't blame Kathy. It's more than just the fact that I had sex with her husband. It's the fact that from that came the life inside of me. It's the fact that Kathy will look at this child and it will be a constant reminder of the day her husband 'cheated' on her with his partner. She doesn't understand that was possibly one of the worst nights of our lives. She doesn't comprehend the pain and trauma we faced. She's never known or experienced that level of trauma. I don't know what I would do if I were in her shoes. It is a lot to put on someone who is innocent. To her it's just an elaborate coverup of an affair.
"Well for starters Kathy is to blame for thinking either of you had a say in this." She said. "More importantly though the perps who forced you to have sex are to blame. It's not your fault. It's not Stablers fault. You're the innocents this time."
"Why wasn't I on birth control?" I demand, berating myself. "This never would have happened if I was on birth control." I was stuck with Stabler undercover for a week after that before our team could pull us out of there without risking our lives. Nothing else happened, but I didn't go to the hospital afterwards. I didn't file a police report. It was too late for emergency contraceptive to do any good. If I would have been on birth control this could have been prevented. His marriage not risked.
"Why would you be on birth control?" I ask her. "You're not into men, and the pill doesn't protect against sexually transmitted diseases. Exposing yourself to all of the additional hormones on the off chance that you might get sexually assaulted is extreme." She states, and I just shrug. It's been twenty-five weeks, but still anything seems like it would be better than this.
"I could have done something Addison, and instead I am the reason their family is falling apart. Kathy doesn't understand. I can't blame her. She doesn't know what true terror is. She doesn't see the things we see every day. She doesn't understand that in that situation you'd do anything, even the unthinkable to survive."
"If they can't work it out, they'll share custody." She says sensibly. "He'll hire a family attorney who be sure to get equal time. Things like this happen every day. It's not the end of the world." The way she says this makes me cringe. She's trying to be helpful, but it just sounds dismissive.
"It's the end of his world!" I yell suddenly enraged. "How is he going to help me with this baby if his whole world is falling apart and he can't even…" I stop myself though. I was about to say 'can't even care for the kids he already has.' That isn't fair though. He takes great care of his children. They are not wealthy, but they get by. They are loved and wanted. They have everything they've ever needed. "How do you expect him to afford that Addison? Not everyone earns 2.5 million dollars a year take home. Check your privilege." I don't mean to sound so cruel, but I can't help it. Elliot is my family just as much as she is. I hate to see either of them hurting. I will defend them to my dying day.
"Tell me what you need, and I'll help." She offers in a pacifying tone. I assume she just doesn't want me screaming in her office but is too polite to say so. She can't do anything to help save Elliot's marriage. She can't erase the trauma we faced that night. The additional layer of PTSD that was added to the pile. It comes with the job. She's not a therapist.
"I don't know." I admit. "I don't want your money Addison. It's not about that. He wouldn't take it anyway, he's too stubborn." My breathing is rapid and my heart racing. I can feel my cheeks flushing. I hate Braxton Hicks. I rub the spot trying to ease the ache away. They're not supposed to hurt, but since the two rounds of preterm labor they do hurt, a lot. I'm constantly playing the game of 'is it labor or is it Braxton hicks?' It's not all the time, but anytime I'm stressed, which is most of the time. I try to convince myself this is just because the baby's growing, because it's causing more changes to my body. I still don't know if it's a boy or a girl. I don't really care. A baby is a baby.
"So, make a go fund me and I'll donate a thousand times anonymously in small amounts. I don't care what you do as long as you calm down before you need a third trip to the labor and delivery wing this month. We'll work this out. It's going to be okay." She squeezes my hands tightly, and then hands me a bottle of water, but I can't force myself to calm down, I'm too wound up.
"It is not going to be okay Addison." I cry, and she looks taken aback by the way this afternoon is going. I wonder if it is just because I have been such a bitch this pregnancy and she's grown used to it, or maybe it's just that she knows I won't hurt her in my rage, but she doesn't cower when I raise my voice. "How dare you assume such? Money can't solve everything. You don't have children. There is no way you can possibly understand what he's going through."
"That wasn't my choice." She says fiercely. She looks up at the bookshelf at the little teddy bear. Fuck. Zachary. Of course, she would bring him up now. I'm sure she truly does just want me to calm down. The cramps are getting worse. I sink down onto the couch beside her miserably.
"I'm so sorry Addison." I say quickly as I am hit with so many emotions, I thought I had worked through. She's faced loss too, even though it is not the same. I place my hands on the bump protectively. "I don't need anyone to take care of this baby. We'll manage. I just got scared." I say, trying to assure her, as much as myself.
"You're already an amazing mom. It can only get better from here." She says, I feel myself calming down. I take several long drinks of water and force myself to breathe slowly.
"I guess what's really eating me, is that Kathy called him a rapist." I finally said. "My heart is breaking for Elliot. She told him she can't trust him, that he's a danger to the children. He's sleeping in the squad room." How can she have called him that after all the good he's done? All the people he's helped. He already has enough guilt. He doesn't need her helping him in the guilt department.
"I'm sure she didn't mean it." Addison says quickly. "She was just angry. We all say things we don't mean when we're angry don't we? God knows you and I have said enough mean things to each other." I just want things to go back to normal. Normal between Elliot and I. Normal between Addison and I. I want my life back. It's been so long since I've been happy. Sure, I put on the smile, and I dance the dance, but it's not real. It's all a show. I thought having Addison back would make that better, but she is only one piece of the puzzle.
"Not like that Addie." I say, and it's true.
"No, but that doesn't make this your fault."
"I have to go see Kathy. I must explain. To make this right." I say, grabbing my bag.
"Olivia don't, not yet." She says, gently grabbing my arm, stopping me.
"Why?"
"Kathy isn't going to believe you." She says bluntly. "Your story is…"
"The truth." I cut her off. "There is video evidence I'm telling the truth."
"I know that." She says. "But has she seen it? The story alone it does sound outlandish to a civilian." She finishes. I know that she has seen a lot of these cases. She is usually the one they call for sexual assaults that come into the hospital. "Give them a few days to work it out. You have enough to deal with already."
"What if he hates me?" I ask venerably. "What if we're never the same?"
"He won't." She says, but I look at her doubtfully. "Olivia." She says, shaking her head. "You know he won't. You're just having a rough patch. People go through rough patches. Why don't you go and talk to him?" She asks me. "What's he going to do? Runaway and hide?"
"Maybe."
"He won't." She says, firmly. "He loves you. A love like that isn't torn apart by something like this. A connection like that never dies Olivia."
"I can't go all the way to Queens right now." I say, checking my watch. "We have to get home and let Lucy go. She has that major exam tomorrow."
"I'm still impressed she goes to school on Saturdays."
"Like you didn't."
"I partied." She says dead seriously. We lock eye contact, and both burst out laughing, both knowing that I was too busy buried in books and haven't partied a day in my life.
"I needed that." I say, and she smiles.
"Would it help if I watched Noah?" Addison asks. "I'm done for the day anyway. We can leave." I don't know if this is better or worse, but when she first came back, I had my schedule synced to hers. She dislikes driving since Derek caused them to get into a major car accident, and so I have just been bringing her to and from work every day on my way to work. Noah and I have a personal security detail, but they can't stop her leaving. They wouldn't stop her if she went to meet up with Derek somewhere. I'd have a better shot of that. I hate the constant nagging feeling of needing to look after her, to protect her. I wonder if I am any better than Derek really. I don't hurt her, but she isn't free. She's just bounced from one situation to the next. I hope the feeling will ease with time. What if it doesn't though? What if it just continues until one or the other of us dies? Are either of us strong enough to let the other go in anything other than death? We always fall back together, no matter how long we've been apart.
"I'm so tired. I think I just want to go home." I say. "Let's go home." I'm sad. I hope I am not developing some sort of pregnancy related depression from all the hormones. I am either angry, filled with anxiety, or sad so much of the time lately. I'm coping, but it doesn't feel good. One could argue it's because Addison is back and I'm helping her again, but I don't think it's that. The day has just been too long. ..
That night I watch her sleeping. Her head is rested on my shoulder. I stroke her long auburn hair. She left it down after she showered, and it's dried in gentle waves. Her conditioner smells like sandalwood, mixed with soft floral notes, vanilla and plumb. One of the first trips we made to the store after we arrived, we went to the soap and shampoo isle. After what felt like hours of just standing there and looking at all her options, she chose a newer brand called 'boyfriend' created by some famous actress that's taking the world by storm. I watch her sleep a lot. After we put Noah to bed, we were watching a movie on Lifetime when she rested her head on me and fell asleep. I feel like I am in the twilight zone, like I'm dreaming. I fell like I'm going to wake up and she's going to be gone again. Things are like the way they were before she left the last time. She no longer flinches when she's touched or cowers when loud voices are used. She initiates physical contact. She sleeps, almost effortlessly as long as I am near. She's taken to holding my hand when she sleeps. She says it reminds her that she's safe. She trusts me with her life. Why can't I fully trust her? I move slightly, finding a more comfortable position for my back that is still unused to the weight brought on by the pregnancy, crap food, and lack of physical activity. She starts to wake up, blinking at me sleepily.
"Olivia." She says. Her eyes are confused for a moment, she must have been dreaming. It only takes a second before she smiles up at me, relieved.
"Hey." I say gently. "It's okay. You fell asleep."
"How did the movie end?" She asks.
"Oh, you know, same old thing. They kiss, they make up, they get married and have a baby. Same crumpled recycled storyline as the others."
"I wish our life was a Lifetime movie." She says a hint of sadness in her voice.
"What do you mean?" I ask her. "You want to get married and have babies?"
"I want a happy ending." She says softly, sitting up.
"You can't have that with Derek." I say, assuming it's him she's talking about. "He doesn't want that."
"You do." She says, so quietly I almost didn't hear her over the commercials playing on the TV. I switch the TV off.
"I thought we had that." I say, but really, I shouldn't have said anything. This isn't the right time.
"Maybe we do." She responds. "Maybe we're meant to be together. How many times have we found our way back to each other over the years?"
"You want to build a life with me?" I clarify. She always comes back to me when she leaves Derek. Yeah, we're a couple. We do the things that people in relationships do, but we've never really put a label on it, aside from when she lost Zachary and wanted her tubes removed. We told the clinic we were dating, long term domestic partners. She needed consent from her partner and there is no way Derek would have given consent. "What happens the next time Derek comes to take you home?" I ask her.
"I don't know." She admits, looking away. "Do we have to know everything though?"
"Why are you asking my permission?" I ask. "We always fall back into a relationship eventually anyway." I snap. My voice so harsh. She looks hurt. "I'm sorry. I guess today has just been a lot. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"You don't want a relationship?" She asks.
"I do.. I just." I don't know how to say what I'm feeling in a way that won't cause more damage. "I don't want a relationship with someone who isn't sure. Is there really something so wrong with what we have now?" I ask her.
"Friends with benefits always did sound kind of skanky." She says, with a little smirk. We haven't been serious romantically since she came back from Derek this last time. She needed time to recover, and then with the pregnancy I've just been so exhausted it wasn't even really a consideration.
"I can't have my heart broken again when you leave Addison."
"What if I don't leave?" She teases playfully.
"You always leave." I respond, not in the mood for promises that will just be broken.
"What we call this won't change that." She points out. "You love me. You've loved me since the day we met. That's not going to change." She says, and I don't know what to say to this, so I just move closer to her. Her eyes are curious, trying to guess my next move before I make it. Without thinking of the consequences, I gently kiss her on the lips.
"You're right." I say. "I do love you."
"Olivia…" She says, sounding distressed and forcing herself to pull away from me when it's apparent that we both want more than just a bit of kissing, evident by our outer clothing scattered all over the floor. "We can't do this." She says, catching her breath.
"Ok." I say backing up. "Are you OK? Are you having second thoughts?"
"No." She says. "I mean yes. You're pregnant." She states, as if I'm supposed to draw some magical conclusion from this. She looks at me longingly, though, and now I'm confused. We're both consenting adults. We're both game for this interaction. Why did she stop? "You've been in preterm labor twice this month."
"I'm aware." I say, looking at her blankly. If she's expecting me to know what the hell, she's going on about, I don't.
"Orgasms release the hormone Oxytocin and causes uterine contractions that can throw you back into preterm labor if you're high risk. You're high-risk Olivia. I'm sorry it's not safe." She says, looking miserable.
"Do you know how frustrating this is?" I ask, getting up and pulling my shirt back on.
"Extremely." She agrees, looking at me sympathetically.
"I kind of low key hate you right now."
"Oh please. You know you love me. You'd really hate me if you went into labor and we had to deliver your twenty-five-week-old fetus tonight though." I don't know what happened, but when she says this it feels like a dam of emotions breaks.
"I hate this so much!" I scream, standing up and running my fingers through my hair, trying to get rid of the excess energy. I can feel the pent-up mixture between anger and frustration. It's like a volcano slowly building pressure, ready to erupt at any moment. The angry tears fall and that makes me even angrier. It's irrational, but I can't stand the way the dampness feels on my cheeks.
"Which part?" She asks. "If you hate that we can't have sex I can empathize with that." She says soothingly. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I should have stopped this before things got heated. I didn't know it would go that far."
"I hate all of it. It isn't even completely about that."
"Oh?"
"I can't do anything!" I walk over to the door, and pull out a baseball bat, swinging it as hard as I can and smashing it into the flat screened television on the wall. The screen cracks, plastic bits fall off. I somehow managed to break one of the mounts, and it's hanging on at an angle on the wall by just the one. That doesn't release the anxiety though.
"Olivia this is temporary." Addison says, giving me a look like what the fuck just happened.
"I can't work!" I take a lamp off the bedside table and throw it to the ground. It shatters and glass scatters in every direction. She moves backwards, standing very still, just watching me. "I can't train!" I pull the bedding off the bed, throwing the heavy comforters and pills on to the ground in a fit of rage. "Elliot treats me like I'm broken." I grab the dresser, thinking that maybe holding onto it for a moment will calm me, but instead I push it forcefully and it falls over with a huge crack, breaking, clothing falling out on the floor, everything that was on top scattered across the ground.
"You can destroy the bedroom if you want to, but I'm not helping you clean it up." She says calmly, looking at all of the mess spewed on the floor. She hadn't even blinked when the dresser fell and broke. I hear her, but I don't. It's like I'm underwater.
"The first time I've had a chance to have sex in who knows how long, and I can't even do that." I don't count what Elliot and I did as sex. I mean it was sex, but it wasn't enjoyable it was forced. That doesn't count in terms of something that should be fun, and relaxing. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I look crazy. I look so different now that I've gained weight. My eyes are red and swollen. My hair is frizzy and out of place. I'm crying so hard I can barley breathe, snots running down my nose. "And I look like a fucking hippopotamus!" I punch the mirror so hard that the glass spiderwebs, and then shatters. She steps over the piles and comes to me, grabbing my hands. I fight against her for a minute, but something about her gentle hands on mine causes the haze to lift.
"Enough." She says gently. "That's enough"
A contraction comes that is so strong I double over. Gasping a little bit. "I can't even yell at people properly!" I mean it to be a shout, but it comes out as a whimper.
"Oliva? Are you OK?" She asks.
"I'm fine." I lay down on the bare bed, curling myself into a ball until it passes. "Braxton Hicks." I say, at her concerned look. "I just over did it." She looks unsure but she climbs up on the bed next to me and spoons up against my back, her arm over me, hand resting on my stomach. Her warmth feels good against the persistent ache.
"You're going to be ok." She says, comfortingly. "It's going to be OK." I am suddenly so exhausted.
"I don't even know what the hell's wrong with me. I'm sorry I broke the bedroom. I'm sorry if I scared you." Silent tears are falling down my cheeks.
"I'm not afraid of you Olivia." She says, stroking my hair gently. "You've been through a lot." She says. "The stress adds up." She is making gently shushing sounds as I cry, looking at the mess I made. I feel ridiculous.
"I'm completely losing my mind."
"Do you want to know a little secret?" She asks, and I nod.
"All the best people are."
I don't know how long we lay together, but between her gentle voice, and stroking my hair I am almost asleep when another contraction comes. "Addie…" Her name comes out of my mouth like a whisp of air. She moves, when she feels the contraction start, looking at me concerned. She places both hands on my stomach face growing more disturbed as the contraction peaks, and then dies down "I think…"
"I know." She says. "I feel it too."
"I'm sure it's just Braxton Hicks." I say quickly. "Too much stress."
"I don't think so baby." She says. "They're strong and too close together."
"I don't want to go to the hospital."
"You have to."
"Please. I'll lose my job."
"They are not going to fire you because you're having pregnancy complications. It's against the law. Olivia." She reminds me. "If you're truly in labor right now you're risking more than your job."
"Will you lay back down with me? Just five more minutes? Please?" I'm so exhausted I am not entirely convinced I would be able to get up and move if I needed to. I just want to sleep. Sleep would make everything better and besides that Addison likes to overreact. What if I'm not actually in preterm labor and I go to the hospital and then get influenza or whatever else is going around? I don't know what the hell I'm thinking. My immune system is probably made of steel by now with all the hours I've spent in the hospital interviewing victims.
"Absolutely not. Every minute counts. Every second counts. Let's go, I'll drive."