Disclaimer: Zootopia and all affiliated characters are property of Disney, and Lethal Weapon is property of Warner Brothers.

Chapter Six: Slip of the Tongue

ZPD Precinct One

Judy, Nick, Murtaugh and Riggs met back up at the precinct after Nick and Riggs were engaged in the shootout that morning. They were greeted by Benjamin Clawhouser, who had recently begun losing weight after a very concerning doctor's appointment a few months ago.

"Sometimes I miss giving you a donut," said Judy. "Oh it's fine," replied Clawhouser, "after what the doctor said to me, I think I like not dying of heart disease more than donuts." "Always good to be healthy," commented Riggs as he lit a cigarette. "Give me that," demanded Murtaugh as he snatched it out of Riggs's mouth and put it out with his other hand, "you said you wanted to quit smoking six months ago."

"So you think that Bellwether has something to do with this mess," said Calwhouser to Judy. "Who else could it be," she replied, "we're talking about a full-blown sociopath with genius level intellect that's currently running free and has a vendetta against the entire town. I wouldn't put anything past her as long as that little witch is running free."

"This almost feels like a good thing," commented Nick, "as sick as this sounds." "You're happy," asked Judy confusedly, "that our self declared nemesis who's spent the last seven years throwing darts at pictures of us is running free?" "Hey Benji," said Nick to Clawhouser, "take Murtaugh and Riggs to the breakroom. Carrots and I need to have an adult conversation." "Sure thing," said Clawhouser, as he escorted Murtaugh and Riggs away from his desk, not knowing that he accidentally turned on the intercom.

"I'm sorry our sex life sucks, okay," said Nick, not aware he was well within range of the microphone, "Part of it may be your fault though."

Meanwhile, Bogo sat in his office, hearing the very adult conversation that Nick and Judy were initiating on his intercom. "Dear God, Wilde," muttered Bogo, "don't ever say that to your wife."

"Me," said Judy defensively, "it's not my fault I hit menopause prematurely. It was only because I carried your goddamn kid."

"Ouch," commented Danny as he and the sea lion detective, Jacob Fischer, stood by the water cooler, "no wonder Nick's been complaining."

"You know what," said Nick, "stop this. I'm sorry your uterus doesn't work anymore. But we can at least agree that our boys are what matter most." "Well it's good we agree on how to raise our kids," replied Judy, "but it doesn't explain why you can't get an erection!"

"What's an erection," asked a zebra calf as he overheard that choice word to a rhino officer.

"Don't insult me fluff," said Nick, "I've been working out down there trying. I can't even force myself to get hard."

"I did not need to know that," said Liz Fangmeyer as she made herself a sandwich in the break room, not noticing Clawhouser's look of horror frozen onto his face, nor Riggs laughing his ass off at how disgusting this conversation was getting.

"Is there a point to this," asked Judy, "because it seems that even the time I let you give me a rim job didn't do the trick."

"Kid," said the rhino officer to the zebra calf, "we need to get you out of here." "Why," asked the calf. "You do not need to know what they're talking about."

"When I was shooting my shot on the street this morning," said Nick, "I felt a little something I haven't experienced in quite some time." "Oh my god," said Judy at the sharp realization, "we're one of those couples." "Yes and I'm tired of pretending it's not true," said Nick, "we haven't seen any real action since before Junior was born and after today I feel like the spark is back."

"Good to know," commented Bogo as he continued his paperwork.

"So getting shot at makes you horny," said Judy, "go figure." "Well doesn't that just make so much fucking sense now," said Nick, "our first time was after you shot out some punk. Then you came crying to me and I pounded you. Forget second base, that was a motherfucking homerun."

"Do they even know that thing is on," asked Murtaugh.

"So you're saying that we both need to go out," said Judy, "get shot at. Then maybe I cook you dinner wearing nothing but an apron and you skip straight to dessert." "Exactly," said Nick, who just made a sideways glance and saw a little red light on the microphone that connected to the entire precinct's intercom. "No," said a panicked Nick, "has that thing been on the entire time. Oh God, we're in so much trouble!"

"So the fox and the bunny are into some kinky shit," said Riggs as he tried to keep his laughter suppressed. We're so fired, thought Judy as she rushed to Bogo's office. "You're a real Cassanova aren't you Slick Nick," said Danny as he walked up to the desk with several other laughing detectives. "You were not supposed to hear any of that," said Nick trying to defend himself.

Knock! Knock!

Judy knocked on Bogo's door with a sense of urgency. "I know it's you Hopps," said Bogo, "come in before someone sees you." She burst through the door and slammed it shut while breathing heavily as her nose twitched furiously, both out of embarrassment and fear of what Bogo would do to her next.

"Misses Wilde," said Bogo, "I am going to talk to you not as an officer," he continued, looking at the door to see if anyone was listening in, "but as a mammal. You and your husband just publicly humiliated yourselves. And I have some mental images that I cannot erase from my head no matter how badly I want to. I served in a combat team in Vietpaw and was a cop during the mob wars. But nothing will stick in my hardhead quite like the mental image of a fox licking shit off a bunny's anus."
"If I may explain, chief," asked Judy, trying her best to sound polite to her distraught boss. "No," interrupted Bogo, "there's not a word you can say right now that erases that shit from my mind. I do, however," he continued, "want to commend you and your husband for actually trying to address your problems. I'm just seriously hoping that the microphone was on by accident. Now please take your husband and the aliens and get out of my sight for the next twenty four hours."

Author's Note: I've actually been wanting to write a scene like that for awhile. A funny part before we really get into the action. If you want, look up the TV store scene from Bad Boys II (which is where I got the idea to do this), and prepare to laugh your ass off.