THE PANTLESS COOK MAKES BANANA SPOOKS

Music: (He did the mash!) He did the monster mash! (The monster mash!) It was a graveyard smash...

James, star of his show The Pantless Cook, was wearing a sheet with a hole.

"OOOoooOOOog! I am a GhooOOooOoost! The Pantless Cook is not heeEEEEeere! I have locked him in my saucy dungeon to use as a love slave! Mwahahahaaa!"
James's soo-chef, Sirius, looked down at the hole in the sheet. James tore off the sheet

"Haha it was me! Gotcha!"

"You made that hole WAY too big."
James spoke into the camera.

"Hiiiiyaaaa! Pantless Cook here! Welcome to The Pantless Cook Halloween Special! Tonight we are making something super spooky! As you can see, I have dressed up as a were-piggy! Check out the side-burns!"

He showed off those were-piggy side-burns. He honked his false piggy nose.

"Tuu-tuu! To my right, my soo-chef, The Angry Cook! Say: hiiiyaaaa!"

"You're a ยค#&/#!"

"You're a were-piggy, not a swear-piggy."

"Don't steal jokes."

"Everyone does it. And to my left we have the Cook-Who's-Yet-To-Find-His-Gimmick! And he's come as a...as a... a wise old were-Gandalf?"

"I'm a yeti," said Remus.

"A wereyeti! Never heard of that before! There's also a were-piggy number three but he had to wee or something. Get it? He had to WEEE! WEEE!" Grunt snort.

"He's in the straw house," said Sirius.

"I'm the Pantless Cook and I am hard as brick! Blow me!"
"Be careful what you wish for. It could come off."
"Way ahead of you. I bet you got wood. House."

"You've made those "jokes" a billion times," said Remus.

"This is a Halloween special and I really have to guard my chimney! I don't want to get a wolf stuck in there! Or DO I..?"

Finger to lips, and butt-pout.

"I have the sexy subtext with Moo, not you," said Sirius.

"Oh, you jelly? Guess he didn't just make us were-blind! He made us gay!"

"I'm not gay, I'm just were-curious."
James pushed up his glasses. His cute, festive, glamorous bat-wing glasses.

"How do you like my festive specs, guys? Aren't they cute like me?"

His Bambi-eyes filled up the lenses. He batted his eyes.

"You're supposed to be perky, not camp," said Sirius.

"You don't own me, sweetheart."
"So what are we making?" Remus asked.

"Awesome question! I was just going to say, that I'm not wearing any pants. So if you're sensing some mysterious spooky energy, that's just me. My manly energy. That should be in pants, but aren't, 'cause I'm not wearing any."

Short pause.

James slammed his hands against the table.

"So what are we making? You are gonna love this recipe, guuyyss! We're making banana spooks!"

He put a bunch of bananas on the table.

"It is SO simple, guys! And SOOO YUMMYY! AAAHH! AAAAHH! HEEELP! SOOO YUMMYYY! AAAHH!"

He fell down.

Sirius helped him up.

James adjusted his glammy specs.

"Literally it is soo easy and fun to make. You start, by taking one banana. Now, there are many ways to take a banana. I find that the best way to take a banana, is to break it from the bunch. See? I hold the banana like this, and breeeaaak it off. See how easy that came off? It's so easy, guys. And sooo yummy! Hey, you guys want to get your own banana? This is a great thing to do with your mates by the way!"
"Another great thing to do with your mates is getting high," said Sirius.

"Yeah that was an awesome idea you had, that we got high before shooting this episode. "

Sirius and Remus broke off their own bananas.

"Wow, you guys are pros!" said James. "This is great party food, banana spooks. But it will terrify the shit out of the ladies, if you flash them your-"

"Come on!"
"Ok so now that we have our bananas, let's make them into spooks. What I like to do first, before turning them into spooks, is peel them because I don't think the peel tastes so nice. Now some do! It is up to you, if you want to peel them! Be creative! Now, there are many ways you can peel a banana. But I find that my method is the best one, because it is SO simple. Now, a lot of people start by snapping the top bit. But it's not a very good method, because, see...?"

He squeezed the banana and banana mush came out. He wiped his hand clean on a tea towel.

"So I like to take a knife and make cuts in the peel...Like that. Can you see that? And you will find, it is so much easier to get the peel off, and still have a whole, nice-looking banana. And also, you end up with this gorgeous sort of chiselled-out look! Don't worry about the hole, you can cover that up with sugar paste and no one will know. Ok your turn, guys!"
Sirius and Remus peeled their bananas.

"You got lucky. Mmm looks so yummy already, doesn't it? If you're going to peel it that way, it is important to hold the banana upright, and not horisontally. Because, if you hold it horisontally..."

He squeezed the banana and mush came out.

"That could easliy happen."

"Banana handling 101," said Sirius.

"Ladies!"

"Come oonn!Did you really pick banana spooks for the cheap jokes?"

"No. I really didn't. I picked it because they are cute and fun and LITERALLY SO SIMPLE AND YUMMY! OH MY GOOOD!"

Sirius double-slapped him.

"The next step," said James. "Is to cut your banana in half. Now, there are many ways to cut a banana in half. I like my method, because it is so simple and yummy! What I do, and this is just me, but what I do is, I take a board, put the banana on the board and JUDO CHOP!"
Judo chop. Ow.

"The banana will get a little mushy but that's ok, you can cover that up with sugar paste. Guuyyss! It doesn't have to be perfect! It just has to be so easy and yummy! Guys, did I mention, that I'm not wearing any pants? I like to eat gold."

"I'm putting in my mixed tape, brb," said Sirius and disappeared off-camera for a moment.

Music: Clap for the wolfman! He's gonna rate your records high...

So Remus went off-camera to put in his mixed tape, brb.

Music: No I can't keep it in. Can't keep it in, I gotta let it out...

James went off-camera to put in his mixed tape, brb.

Music: I was born in a crossfire hurricane!

All great songs but they knew that what they really wanted was:

Music: Doctor's orders say there's only one thing for me, nothing he can do 'cause only you can cure me...

"That's better!" said James. "There is another way to cut a banana in half if you feel like you haven't practiced the judo chop enough. There are many ways to take a knife and cut it, but what I like to do, is take a knife, and cut it. In half. If you do that, you shouuld... end up with two halves. It's literally so easy and yummy. You don't have to push the knife so hard. Just gently, because you will find, the banana is very soft and cuts easily. What?"

"Nothing," said Sirius.

"The banana is very soft? Was it that?"

"Moo the reason I chose that song, was because it's a good song. It had nothing to do with you."

"Same here," said Remus. "What's the next step?"

"The final step is optional guys," said James. "But if you skip it, you will get blind spooks. It is time to turn our banana half into a spook."

Sirius began to sing.

"YOU'RE AWAAAAY! AND PLEASE DON'T TREAT ME LIKE A STRANGER!"
Doctor's Orders just did that to him.

"The next step," said James, "is melting some chocolate for the eyes. Now, there are many ways to melt chocolate in a bowl over a saucepan of water on low heat because in now-times we didn't have microwaves I think. But I find that my method is the easiest and yummiest one by far! It is literally so easy, guys. Now don't get any chocolate you want! It must be organic free rage high quality chocolate that tastes nice to eat! You don't want any of that chocolate that isn't nice to eat! Ugh! We've all bought chocolate that wasn't so nice to eat, right guys? Not easy and yummy at all! Now there are many ways to buy chocolate in a shop. What I do, is I get a mate to tell the cashier there's a mess in aisle four and when there's no cashier I just walk out. You could of course make your own chocolate. WHICH IS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO! Seriously guys, homemade chocolate tastes so much more yummy! And it is SO easy to do! Now, there are many ways to make your own chocolate. I'm going to show you my method. Weigh 175 grams of cocoa beans."

He opened a drawer and took out a bag of jelly beans.

"There are many ways to taste 300 grams of jelly beans and sort out the cocoa ones. My method is the best one, because it is easy and yummy. It's a great thing to do with your mates! Quickens up the process!"

20 minutes of bean licking later.

"Are you putting the licked beans back in the bag?" Remus asked.

Another 20 minutes of bean licking later.

"Hey Moo!" said Sirius, with beans in his ears. "So useful, huh!"

"I think we missed one jelly bean!"

"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER HOW USEFUL THIS IS!"

"Now that we have our cocoa beans," said James, "It is time to turn it into chocolate. It's a bit of a complicated process, because in order for the chocolate to taste nice, we have to temper it. But I have developed a quick method that's so easy and yummy. Take the cocoa beans and chuck them in a food processor. Add some sugar, some butter, some milk and some cream. And just a pinch of salt."

He added that pinch of salt and forced the lid on.

"You could make the chocolate, and then melt it, but my simple method allows you to make the chocolate while melting it!"

He placed the food processor on the gas and began to blitz.

There was a huge explosion.

But it was ok, because James had prepared some banana spooks earlier.