Note: This chapter is very personal for me. What Ellen tells Heath is something that I have personally experienced. Not a marriage of convenience, but a difficult time in a relationship. Thank you all for reading.

Chapter 21

The family noticed a difference between Heath and Nick from the moment they returned home. Whatever had been bothering them before leaving on the cattle drive had obviously been worked out. Ellen was relieved, hating the fact it was her marriage to Heath that had caused the strain. Since Heath had been gone, Ellen had taken the time to really examine her feelings for her husband. She'd been hurt and angry after overhearing Nick and Abby's conversation. After returning to her room, she intended to tell Heath she knew the truth and demand he have the marriage annulled. Once she'd had time to calm down, she changed her mind. She was certain they could make a go of it. Hopefully, Heath would come to love her. She willingly gave herself to him and did not regret it. Ellen was at peace with herself. She was glad to have Heath home. She'd missed him. She envied the loving looks Nick and Abby sent to one another, and hoped one day, she and Heath would have that kind of marriage.

But as time went on it became apparent to Ellen that her marriage was not working as she had hoped. To the outsider, they seemed to be fine, but something was missing. Heath was always very attentive to Ellen, but she wanted more. She longed for him to look at her the way she saw Nick look at Abby. When Nick would reach out and touch Abby's cheek or put his arm around her, it was almost more than Ellen could take at times. She wanted her husband to do the same, but she felt that Heath was holding her at arm's length. She wanted to hear him say he loved her. They met each other's physical needs, but Ellen was feeling emotionally starved. Not even after her parent's deaths, had Ellen felt so alone.

Jarrod and Melissa's wedding day finally arrived. It would take place in San Francisco at the home of the Ambers. The garden was decorated to perfection, Wong having outdone himself. Jarrod stood with his brothers down by the gazebo. He watched as Melissa walked down the aisle on her father's arm. She was a vision of loveliness, and Jarrod couldn't take his eyes from her. The ceremony was short, but beautiful. Afterwards, there was dancing, and a grand celebration enjoyed by all who attended. Ellen thought Heath looked especially handsome in his tuxedo. They danced the night away, enjoying each other's company.

Finally, it was time for the newlyweds to leave. Jarrod and Melissa were whisked away in an open carriage and taken to the best hotel in San Francisco. They would board a train the next afternoon and take a month long trip across most of the country.

Christmas was a lively time in the Valley. Stockton residents took the holiday seriously and decorated the entire town. Work was being done on Jarrod and Melissa's house. Jarrod figured their home would be ready by their first anniversary.

Nick's prediction of Audra being married sometime within the next year came true. Carl asked her to marry him on Christmas Eve and she gladly accepted. The wedding was sure to be one of the biggest events in Stockton's history. Carl knew Audra wanted a large wedding, but he didn't want a long engagement. He asked her to pick a date that wouldn't be too far off into the future but would allow her as much time as she needed to plan. Audra loved the Spring and picked a Saturday in April to become Mrs. Carl Wheeler.

Jonathon and Ella joined the Barkley's for New Year's Eve. Ella's face was glowing as she pulled Audra aside to hear all the details of Carl's proposal. She even shared a secret with Audra. She and Jonathon were going to be parents in June. They had gone to visit Dr. Milton in San Francisco, and he concurred with Dr. Merar's assessment that as soon as the herbs left Ella's system, she would probably conceive. She had some morning sickness, but nothing too severe. In fact, as she pressed her gown closer to her body, she was beginning to show. Audra was happy for her friend, thankful that her wish was finally coming true.

On the way home from the Barkleys, Jonathon decided to ask Ella a question that had been on his mind.

"What would you think about moving back to Oregon?"

Ella, who had been leaning against her husband's shoulder, sat up in surprise.

"I thought you loved it here," she said.

"I do. But one of the reasons we moved here was so we could be closer to Dr. Milton. It doesn't look like we'll be needing his services now."

Ella smiled. Since she'd discovered she was finally going to have a baby, she felt content. Frankly, she didn't care where she lived, as long as it was with her husband and their child.

"If that's what you want, Jonathon. I'll be happy anywhere, as long as I'm with you."

Jonathon sighed. In truth, it was the conversation he'd overheard between Nick and Heath on the cattle drive the previous summer that had started Jonathon's thoughts of moving back. It wasn't that he didn't trust Heath, but it was unnerving to learn that someone else was in love with his wife.

"It's just a thought. I haven't decided anything yet. I wouldn't want to do anything until after the baby is born anyway," Jonathon said. Ella agreed, and the rest of the ride home was made in silence.

It was soon obvious to all that Ella was expecting. She was glowing with the joy of impending motherhood. Jonathon too, looked happy. For reasons Heath didn't want to explain, especially to his wife, it bothered him. Ellen felt Heath distancing himself from her. She wasn't sure what to do or say, so she allowed Heath his space.

He decided to make a short trip to Modesto to take a look at some horses he'd heard were for sale. Ellen hated to see him go but couldn't think of a valid reason to ask him to stay. On the day Heath returned, Victoria informed him Ellen had gone out for a ride after breakfast but hadn't returned. It was going on four o'clock. Heath could tell Victoria was worried, and he admitted he was as well. For her to be gone so long wasn't like her. He quickly saddled another horse and went looking for her. Almost an hour later, he found Ellen sitting under a large tree on the north ridge, overlooking a beautiful portion of the Valley. Ellen looked up and saw Heath approaching but didn't stand or greet him.

"We've been worried about you. Mother said you left after breakfast," Heath said, sitting down next to her.

"I just needed to get away."

"Is everything ok?" he asked, watching her profile. He noticed Ellen's eyes were welling up with tears.

"Ellen? What's wrong?" He started to put his arm around her, but Ellen stood up.

"How can you ask me that? You know what's wrong!" she said accusingly.

Heath shook his head, not sure of what she was talking about.

"I know, Heath. I've known since our wedding night. I overheard Nick and Abby talking."

"What do you know?" he asked, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Ellen couldn't stop the flow of tears, but she made no move to wipe them away.

"You don't love me. Not the way a husband should love his wife. You didn't mean to ask me to marry you. I should have been paying more attention, but I was so flattered that you were even taking an interest in me," Ellen was openly sobbing now.

Heath's face paled. She knew. She'd known all this time and hadn't said anything. He walked toward her, but she took a step back, holding out her hand to stop him.

"I thought I could handle it all," she whispered. Then more loudly said, "I thought my love for you would be enough...that you would one day love me in return. Maybe you will...I'm just so tired, Heath. I'm tired of being in love alone."

"Ellen, let me hold you," Heath whispered. Ellen shook her head.

"No. Not until I say what needs to be said."

Heath nodded for her to continue.

"I can't live this way," she whispered. "I'm so alone, Heath. I have no one. There's no one I can talk to about this. I know marriage isn't supposed to be this way. I look at Nick and Abby, and I wonder what it would be like to have my husband want me. Not just use me to fulfill his needs. I'm your wife, Heath. I'm sorry if you felt it was a mistake that we married. We can't change that now. I want to be your wife, Heath. Not just in name...not just physically. I want to be your wife in every sense of the word. What I want to know is, will you let me?"

Heath closed his eyes in pain. He thought if he fulfilled Ellen's physical needs, it would be enough. He was calling himself every kind of fool for how he was treating her. She deserved better. Heath opened his eyes and took a step toward her. He was relieved when Ellen didn't move away from him.

"I'm sorry for what I've put you through. We'll work on things."

Ellen was too weary to fight anymore. She wanted nothing more than to have her husband's arms around her. She leaned against him and cried. Heath stroked her hair and held her close. A piece of the wall he'd built around his heart broke off. It was to be a new beginning.

By April, all of Audra's wedding plans had been put into place and her wedding was the most talked about event in Stockton. Audra was a beautiful bride who had eyes only for her husband. Jarrod gave her away, and Nick was Carl's best man. Heath sat with Ellen, Abby and Victoria.

As they rode back to the mansion, Heath's mind was on the wedding. What kind of wedding had Ellen wanted? Did she always dream of having a large wedding with lots of attendants? Did she want it to be in a church or outside? Heath turned to his wife, who was gazing out at the landscape. He would ask her when they were alone what she would have wanted. It was too late to have a wedding ceremony now, but perhaps he could do something to make it up to her. As they were lying in bed together that night, Heath brought up what had been on his mind.

"You asleep yet?" he asked softly.

"No," Ellen answered.

"I was thinking about the wedding today. I'm sorry ours wasn't more fancy."

Ellen rolled over onto her side and propped her head up on one elbow. Her eyes surveyed her husband's face.

"I loved our wedding," she said, smiling slightly. "No, it didn't have all those fancy flowers or the orchestra. I wasn't dressed in a gorgeous wedding gown or you in a tuxedo, but I was with you. That's all I wanted."

Heath leaned in and kissed his wife. He couldn't say he was in love with her, not yet. But his heart was headed in that direction.