Chapter 26
Heath sat beside the stove in the small line shack, listening to the rain pouring outside, keeping him from working with Emperor. The horse's training had gone much better than expected, and Heath knew he should be heading back to the ranch. It had been three weeks since he'd left his family, asking them to leave him alone. He had taken his time traveling to the small building on the edge of the Barkley property. The trip should have taken only a few hours, but he'd managed to stretch it out to overnight. He'd gotten a late start because Audra and Carl had shown up just as he was leaving. Audra couldn't hide her tears as she hugged her brother goodbye. Heath shed no tears, in fact, he had not cried at all since just after Ellen's death.
Heath heard hoof beats through the downpour, not bothering to rise to see who it was. He knew it would be Nick. He sighed, knowing he should be thankful for the solitude he'd had. Somehow though, it just didn't seem long enough yet. He wasn't ready to face anyone.
The more he thought on his and Ellen's short marriage, the angrier he became. The rage was slowly building and as he watched Nick dismount, raindrops pouring off his slicker, he knew he wasn't in the mood for company. Heath tipped his chair back and waited for Nick's entrance. He knew the other man wouldn't bother to knock, but would just come in, blustering about the weather.
If Heath hadn't been in such a foul mood, he would have laughed as his own prediction came true.
"If this keeps up, I'm gonna have to build me an ark!" Nick said, taking off his soaked hat and equally wet slicker.
"Got any coffee?" Nick asked, hanging his things on the small peg by the door, shaking his head and wiping his wet face with a gloved hand.
"On the stove," was Heath's reply. Nick shuddered inside, but it wasn't from the rain. He couldn't ever remember seeing Heath's eyes so cold, nor his voice so void of emotion. Nick poured himself a cup, wondering how he should start the conversation he knew Heath was expecting.
"Surprised you didn't make the trip sooner," Heath said. He leaned his chair back, taking a sip of his now cold coffee.
"Wanted to. But Mother and Abby managed to convince me to wait," Nick admitted, smiling a little. If he'd hoped Heath would return that smile, he was disappointed. Nick took a sip of the bitter coffee, grimacing. He set the cup down on the stove, not wanting any more of the dark liquid.
"So why come now?"
Nick took a deep breath before he answered. "You missed Audra's birthday. Mother wanted to make sure you weren't hurt."
Heath closed his eyes. He'd forgotten all about Audra's birthday.
"I'm sorry."
Nick nodded, then took a seat in the only other chair in the small shack. He looked around, noticing the bed in the corner. The blankets were folded neatly as though the bed had not been slept in. He swung his eyes to Heath, who stared out the window. He looked exhausted.
"How's Emperor's training going?" Nick asked, hoping the talk about the horse would bring some spark to his brother's eyes.
"Good," came the flat reply.
"Heath, about Ellen," Nick began.
Heath jumped up with lightning speed. He put his finger in Nick's face and said angrily, "Don't! I don't want to talk about it!"
Nick was taken aback by Heath's response, but he didn't let it stop him from rising out of his chair.
"Well, you need to talk about it. If not to me, then to Mother or Jarrod. They know the sorrow of losing a spouse -"
"No! They don't have any idea what I'm feeling! None of you do! I killed Ellen, Nick. Just as sure as if I'd I pulled a gun on her and shot her. I killed her, and I will forever blame myself!"
Nick stared in shock at his younger brother. He took a deep breath, hoping the words he was about to say would make some sense.
"You didn't kill her, Heath. It was...it was something that no one had any control over."
"It's punishment from God for not doing the right thing! It's punishment for lusting after a married woman and then marrying another so I could replace her, at least in my mind!"
"Heath...no, you're wrong."
"She knew. She knew I didn't love her when we first got married. She found out on our wedding night but didn't tell me. Not until months later. And yet, even though she knew the truth, she still gave herself to me and loved me."
Nick closed his eyes briefly, then opened them again to look Heath, who was pacing around like a caged animal. He wanted to ask how Ellen had found out but decided that wasn't important at this time. Heath was finally opening up, and Nick needed to help him.
"Heath, listen. I know you didn't marry Ellen for the right reasons. But you made it work! It took a few months, but you two ended up being happy together. We could all tell how much you loved her. And what's more important, is the fact that Ellen knew you loved her."
Heath continued pacing back and forth, his fists balled tight and his jaw set. Nick watched him, searching his mind for the right words to say.
"I can't imagine what you're going through. I won't even say I understand. But I have to believe that Ellen would be sad if she knew you were blaming yourself. She loved you, and you loved her. And ya know what else? She knew you loved her. She had no doubts. We could all see that in the way she looked at you, the way you looked at her. Whatever mistakes you made in the past she didn't care! She forgave you. Now, you need to forgive yourself."
Nick walked over to retrieve his slicker and hat, then walked out of the line shack without saying another word. Upon hearing his brother ride away, Heath sank to his knees and began to weep uncontrollably. Nick's words tore away the scar tissue that had formed on his heart, causing Heath to feel the pain of losing his wife. For the first time since Ellen's death, Heath felt something other than anger. He felt intense sorrow for the wife he'd lost and the child he'd never know. He finally allowed himself to begin to heal.
He left for home the next morning, still sorrowful for all he had lost, but willing to rejoin his family, confident of their loving reception.