Chapter 34

A month later, Ella found herself sitting at home alone. Drew was in school, leaving her with plenty of time on her hands. She thought about going to visit Audra or maybe even going to the orphanage and talking with Father Mendez about working with the children again. Yet, her heart just wasn't into doing either of those things. Ella was feeling down. Jonathon had been gone four months, and Ella was missing him terribly. She had received another scathing letter from Charles, and she knew she needed to stop reading them altogether. Ella held out hope that Charles would stop being the way he was and apologize.

After walking around her extremely clean and tidy house several times, Ella decided she'd go for a ride. She packed a small lunch, determined to be gone until it was time for Drew's return. She informed Chuck of her plans, and he saddled her horse for her.

Ella had ridden for several hours before she stopped at the top of a hill. She surveyed the scene below, taking in the majestic sight. Her eye caught a glimpse of Heath as he rode. He was alone, and Ella wondered if he would mind her joining him. Since the family dinner the month before they hadn't been alone at all. Ella was ready for some adult company.

She followed Heath for several minutes before she saw him dismount and kneel next to a well tended grave. Ella recognized the small Barkley cemetery, her mind bringing back the memory of the last time she was here. It was at Ellen's funeral. Obviously, Heath was visiting his wife's grave. Ella decided she would leave Heath alone, but before she could follow through on her plan, he spotted her. He stood and motioned for her to come to him. Ella reluctantly obeyed his command.

"I'm sorry, Heath. I didn't realize you were...I'll leave you alone," Ella stammered.

"It's alright. I was checking out the fence line, and I always come and visit if I'm near. What are you doing out this way?" he asked, inviting her to sit down.

"Just out riding. Drew's in school, and I'm finding I have a lot of time on my hands. I think I'll start visiting the orphanage again," Ella replied avoiding looking at Heath. The thoughts she'd had the month before about the blond cowboy sitting next to her had unnerved her. She'd even dreamed of him one night, and how it would feel to be in his arms, to feel him touching her, saying her name...

"Ella?"

Ella jumped.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention," Ella said.

"I noticed. Guess I'm a little boring."

"No, I just...I let my mind wander," to someplace it should not be, she finished in her mind.

"Care to share?" Heath asked, hoping she wasn't upset about something.

"No!" Ella almost shouted. "I mean, it's nothing really. I should get home now."

Heath stood quickly and held out his hand to help Ella up. She placed her hand in his and noticed the calluses on his palms. Heath's hands were strong and manly, leaving no doubt that he was used to hard work. His hands had created the beautiful cabinetry in her kitchen, and his hands handled a horse expertly. Ella was sure his hands could also be gentle and tender.

Reluctantly, she pulled her hand from his and mounted her horse. She said a soft goodbye then rode home at a fast pace. This was getting ridiculous. Jonathon had only been gone four months and already she was lusting after another man. Granted, that man was her husband, but still. How could she be so in love with Jonathon, yet thinking of what it would be like to have Heath touch her in the way she longed to be touched? The way she hadn't been touched in years. Ever since the incident with Wilma, she and Jonathon had not been able to have the physical love they had both enjoyed. They found other ways to express their love, though none had compared to the amazing heights both had gone to over their first five years of marriage. Ella sincerely hoped that whatever her problem was, she'd get it under control and soon!

Heath watched Ella ride away, puzzled at her reaction to him. He'd been surprised to see her, but it was nice to spend some time with her. He'd been avoiding seeing Ella, and Nick had called him out on it the week before.

"I see you and Drew together a lot. He's a good kid," Nick commented.

"Yep," was all Heath answered.

"You been over to see Ella lately?"

"Nope."

"How come? I mean, you two are married, and unless you're going to have this marriage annulled, don't you think you should maybe...I don't know, talk to her?"

"Nick," Heath said in exasperation, "she's still in love with Jonathon. I'm not going to push in where I'm not wanted."

"Jonathon's dead, Heath. It's a sad fact, but a fact none the less. Ella needs time to grieve, sure. But you both gotta realize that life goes on. Mourning for what you can't have when you can have something great doesn't make sense. Why are you keeping your distance from her anyway?"

Heath never answered Nick, at least not out loud. In his mind however, he knew the reason. He'd been thinking about it non stop. He felt guilty. The reason he'd married Ellen was because he was afraid of doing something that would undermine Ella and Jonathon's marriage, bringing shame to all in involved. His actions were inexcusable and to top it all off, Ellen had known from their wedding night. Yet, she showed him in many ways she'd forgiven him, and they were able to find love with each other. When she died, he felt it was punishment. Nick had tried to help him see that it wasn't, and he appreciated his tender hearted brother's attempts, but deep down he would always blame himself. If he hadn't been so selfish, Ellen would no doubt still be alive.

Now, he was married to Ella. Married! It was almost as though fate were playing a cruel joke on him. Should he tell Ella? Did she have the right to know? Would the truth push her to him or away from him? Heath ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. He mounted his horse and finished checking over the fence line before heading home. The next morning, he decided he'd go see Ella.

Drew had been gone for an hour, and Ella was busy stripping the beds. She was thankful for the hard work that awaited her, hoping it would keep her thoughts from wandering. Heath had been in her dreams again the night before. The dreams were not unpleasant, and that was what bothered her.

A knock at the front door cause Ella to pause. She wasn't dressed for company, nor was she in the mood to entertain. Hopefully, whoever it was wouldn't stay long at all.

Ella almost groaned when she opened the door. Heath stood there in his blue shirt, tan pants and his hat in his hands, looking much too handsome for his own good.

"Heath, I wasn't expecting company," Ella greeted.

"Sorry. I thought maybe, if you had a few minutes, we could talk? Maybe go for a walk? It won't take too long."

Something in Heath's voice told Ella this was important. She opened the door wider and stepped aside, inviting him in.

"Just let me change my dress. I'll be right back."

Heath stood in the parlor and, true to her word, Ella was back down the stairs in a few minutes. Her hair was brushed and pulled back.

"You look nice," Heath couldn't help but comment. Ella smiled slightly and led the way to the door. The two walked quite a ways before Heath began to speak.

"I wanted to see how you're doing...how you and Drew are doing? Do you need anything?"

"No, Chuck has been good about making sure I have the supplies I need. I'm assuming if he needs anything for the ranch he speaks with you?"

"Yes, I'm sorry I've not included you in any of those conversations."

"Why would you? It's your ranch, Heath."

Ella had come to terms with the fact that Heath now owned the property. In truth, it didn't bother her because she felt safe with him and knew he'd make good decisions.

"If you have a question about anything...or you want to change anything...let me know?"

"I will."

They continued walking and finally Heath stopped and turned to Ella. He took a deep breath then began to say what he'd come to say.

"When Ellen and I married, it wasn't for good reasons. At least, not for the right reasons. I was in love with someone else, and I was afraid I'd do something to shame her. She was...not available. Ellen was, I guess you could say she was my substitute."

Ella stared at Heath in shock.

"But you two seemed like you were so much in love."

"We were. I mean, we eventually were. It took a while, but I did end up falling in love with my wife. She found out about why I married her and it hurt her, but she forgave me. I'm still amazed at that," Heath said, his voice trailing off.

"Why are you telling me this, Heath?" Ella asked softly.

"Ella, I've been so ashamed of my actions with Ellen. When she died, I thought God was punishing me for not being honest with her."

"Oh Heath, no. God isn't like that!"

"I know. But I felt I deserved some kind of punishment. I never thought Ellen would die. I loved her, Ella. I loved her with all my heart. I still miss her."

Ella placed her hand on his arm, feeling the muscles beneath his shirt.

"The other woman was," Heath began but Ella interrupted him.

"Did Ellen know who the other woman was?"

"No. I don't think she did. We never discussed it."

"Then I don't want to know who it was either. It's all in the past. Just leave it there."

"But Ella-"

"No. Please Heath. I really don't want to know who it was. Thank you for being honest with me about you and Ellen, I know it took a lot for you to share this with me. But Heath, you were honorable in your marriage to Ellen, and I know you'll be honorable with me. Our marriage is...different. Maybe one day we'll figure things out. Let's just look to the future."

Heath saw that Ella was sincere in her request to him. He decided to abide by her wishes and the two strolled back to her house. Heath felt a burden had been lifted from his shoulders. He smiled slightly as he rode back to the ranch. The future...it had been so long since he'd looked forward to what it could bring.

As the months passed, Heath became a frequent visitor at Ella and Drew's home. Almost every Saturday found Heath and Drew with Nick and Mark on the range somewhere. Ella could tell Drew looked forward to spending time with Heath, but he was always sullen when he returned. Ella talked with Heath about it a few times, but he assured her the boy had not been in any trouble. She decided to give it some more time as Drew was still getting used to living in a new town and being without his much beloved father. After all, Drew and Jonathon had had a close relationship.

Thanksgiving was spent at the Barkley Ranch. All of the family gathered, and in truth Ella was kept too busy to miss Jonathon much that day. Once she had turned in for the night however, she cried herself to sleep. Ella agonized over the upcoming Christmas season. It had always been a tradition that the day after Thanksgiving a tree would be brought to the house and placed in the bedroom where Jonathon had spent so many years confined to a bed. He would supervise the decorating while Ella and Drew placed the homemade and store bought ornaments on the tree. Ella knew she could ask Heath to help them find a tree, but she didn't want to bother him. Plus, she wasn't sure if she wanted a tree anyway. She decided to speak with Drew and find out what he wanted to do. He thought for a few moments then asked if it would be alright if they skipped the celebration that year. Ella suggested they buy gifts for the children at the orphanage instead, and Drew happily agreed.

The second week of December, Heath came over with an invitation to spend Christmas Eve and Day at the ranch. Tearfully, Ella asked if she and Drew could have that time alone, just the two of them. Heath understood and agreed, promising to inform Victoria that they would not attend the family function. Ella was worried that perhaps Victoria would be offended, but Heath assured her his mother would understand. So Christmas passed quietly for Ella and Drew.

The New Year was ushered in with a celebration at Carl and Audra's. There were games, singing, laughter, food and fun. By the time Heath brought Ella and Drew home, the young boy was exhausted. Heath offered to carry him up to his room, a fact for which Ella was glad. Her son was now much too heavy for her to lift by herself. Ella turned down the covers and removed Drew's shoes before Heath placed him on the bed. Drew never even awakened. The two adults quietly left the room and went downstairs.

"Would you like some coffee? Maybe warm up a bit before you head back?" Ella asked.

"I'd like that," Heath replied. He followed Ella into the kitchen and watched as she stoked the fire and put on the coffee to boil. She set out some homemade bread and jelly, just in case Heath wanted a snack as well. Heath couldn't help but notice how graceful Ella moved and how beautiful she looked in that burgundy dress. It fit her figure perfectly, accentuating each and every curve. He knew he needed to rein in his thoughts, but found it difficult. Finally, the coffee was ready, and Heath breathed a sigh of relief to be able to do something other than stare at his wife. His wife, who he longed to touch and be touched by. Yet he knew Ella wasn't ready for that step.

Ella toyed with her cup as she watched Heath drink his coffee and take a bite of the bread. Her eyes were drawn to his mouth as it closed around the jam covered morsel. Some of the jam stayed in the corner of his mouth and without thinking, Ella reached over and wiped it away. Her eyes met Heath's, but neither said anything. It was a relief for both when Heath took his leave. He knew if he stayed any longer he'd be tempted to do something that would ruin everything between them.

As Ella prepared for bed, she felt confused over her growing feelings toward Heath. She wanted him. It was almost physically painful to be so close to him and yet not be able to touch him, to not be able to be touched by him. He had told her he didn't expect anything from her, and she had appreciated that more than anything after her husband's death. But her attraction to him now was almost overpowering. She couldn't help but feel some guilt as well because she knew in her heart she still loved Jonathon. Eventually, Ella fell asleep, her last thoughts of Heath.

The weather finally warmed up, and spring was brought in with rainstorms and blooming flowers. School was finally out, and both Ella and Drew were glad. Heath was around more and more, spending time with both Drew and Ella. Ella loved watching Heath with her son. He was a natural when it came to children. For Drew's birthday, Heath took them on an all day picnic near a small lake.

Drew and Heath spent several hours in the water, swinging off of a rope Heath had tied to a tree. Ella sat on the bank, laughing at their antics. She declined their invitation to join in, deciding instead to read the book she'd brought along. However, she hadn't planned on Heath removing his shirt, distracting her to no end.

Heath's broad, tanned shoulders were in perfect form. Ella had known he had physical strength, but seeing his muscles in all their glory caused her to catch her breath. The crisp hair on his chest caught her eye and she wondered what it would be like to run her fingers through it. His slim hips were underwater most of the time, obscuring her view, but Ella's imagination was working overtime, and she couldn't help but sit up a bit straighter when Heath would jump up above the water line. Ella had the good sense to blush at the lustful thoughts she was having, and held up the book she was "reading" just a bit higher. It wasn't long though, before she lowered it again and gave up all pretense. Heath was pure pleasure to watch. He was graceful in his movements, and Ella allowed herself to wonder what it would be like to be held in his arms.

Knowing they would be getting out of the water soon, Ella excused herself and walked toward the wagon that waited nearby. She told the two she was going to get the towels she'd brought along, but in reality she needed to get herself under control. After a few minutes of solitude, Ella felt she could conduct herself with the demeanor that was expected of her. At least she prayed she could.