Words: 1.8k

November 10, 2016
17:49
My chambers

Dear Diary,

T'Challa is such a King-Save-Everybody. Let me tell you what he did.

"I hate you, T'Challa Udaku." If looks could kill, he would be dead from the glare I gave him.

Instead of making eye contact with me, he flipped a page in the magazine he read. "I love you too, Wavuka Esihle."

I rolled my eyes and looked around at the yellow waiting room walls. 'Dr. Lula Sisulu,' read the golden nameplate plastered on a brown door next to the receptionist's desk.

I couldn't believe T'Challa lied to me and lured me under false pretenses. He told me he wanted me to accompany him while he took care of business in the city. If I knew he was going to drag me to a therapist's office kicking and screaming, I wouldn't have said yes.

When I say he brought me kicking and screaming, that's not a euphemism. When I tried to run away, Okoye and Ayo grabbed my arms and, despite my efforts to wiggle out of their powerful grips, pulled me to a chair. I glared at them, but their faces remained intimidating, and for a second, I worried that one of them—if not both—would impale me to the chair.

"I can't believe you," I grumbled at him. "What in Bast's name would possess you to do this to me?"

He kept his eyes glued to the magazine and flipped a page. "You need help."

"If this is about my blow-up yesterday, I already apologized to Weza and Isis."

"It's not just that." He flipped to another page.

Before I could respond, the receptionist opened her glass window and smiled friendly. "Dr. Sisulu will see you now."

Heaving a sigh, I stood up and walked towards the door.

"Would you like me to come with you?"

"No!" I glared and closed the door behind me.

As I sat on the couch, a brown-skinned woman with brown, silk-pressed hair and glasses over her brown eyes sat across from me, her eyes glued to the folder in front of her.

"Hello Wavuka," she greeted me with a friendly smile. "It's nice to meet you."

"Rose," I corrected her. "Everyone calls me Rose."

Dr. Sisulu nodded. "I finished reading your file from Young's Tranquility Center. It says you're battling with depression and minor self-esteem issues."

"Is this the part where you tell me I'm too pretty to have low self-esteem? Save it. I heard it too many times before."

"Actually, I wasn't. I too battle with low self-esteem."

I blinked. "You? But you're so-"

"Beautiful? On the outside, but the inside is full of flaws and idiosyncrasies that make me feel unworthy of my life, things I have, and the people I love."

I blinked again. I never heard anyone say that aloud. Then again, baba had always reminded me that looks were deceiving. Just because someone smiled beautifully on the outside, doesn't mean a storm wasn't brewing on the inside. Looking back, I wonder if he was referring to himself and the storms hidden under his smiles.

"How's your mood today?"

"Annoyed," I answered honestly. "With all due respect, I don't want to be here."

"Then leave." She immediately closed my file and wrote in her notepad.

I seriously considered getting up and walking out, but when I glanced at the door, I thought about how Okoye and Ayo would drag me back in here and might actually impale me to the couch. "On second thought, I'll stay for a bit."

Dr. Sisulu nodded. "If you didn't want to come today, why are you here?"

"This wasn't some epiphany where I felt I needed to be here. I was brought here under false pretenses."

She raised a brow. "Care to elaborate?"

Since I was too scared to leave, I might as well talk to pass the time. "T'Challa, you know the king, decided I needed to come because he thinks I need help. Just like my ex-fiancé sent me to that place because he thought I needed to get away."

She nodded while making a note. "Seems like a lot of people are deciding for you."

"You're telling me. Ever since I got back, that man has been insufferable. He's always making sure I'm taking my meds, eating properly, and not," I lifted my hand to use air quotations, "'overworking' myself."

"It sounds like he cares about you."

"No, he's treating me like a child, and I don't like it."

"Then ask him to stop."

"I have, but..." I trailed off, unsure of how to finish.

She raised her brow. "What?"

"Nothing."

"Does he not respect your boundaries?"

I shook my head because that wasn't the problem. "It's not that. He's just... there, you know."

I saw her nod while writing notes. "Do you want to talk about what led you to Young?"

"I burned down the guest house."

She looked at me with wide eyes as if that was the most outrageous thing she's ever heard.

"Don't look at me like that. I know you heard worse."

"I have. Just never heard it stated so plainly."

"It's the truth." I sat back with a sigh. "I lived in that house my entire life and within a few minutes, it was all gone."

"Was there something about the house that made you want to get rid of it?"

I knew what she was asking, and I answered her with a headshake. "It wasn't like that."

"Then what was it?"

My eyes shifted downwards while my mind wandered to that night, trying to understand what I was feeling.

It was two weeks after T'Challa retook his place as king, and I wasn't on speaking terms with Dakarai. After everything that happened, especially thinking I lost my best friend for good, I wanted to spend time with him in hopes we could start over. As usual, something was more important than me.

Erik Killmonger's reign did serious damage to Dakarai's family's business, and he had to clean up the mess...again. While he packed his bags for another business trip, something in me couldn't take it anymore. Next thing I knew, I grabbed his suitcase and dumped his clothes, shoes, and toiletry items in the bathtub. I even threw in some of his cologne and other smell goods before I lit a match and threatened to drop it on his things. Unfortunately, my grip on the match slipped, and it fell inside the tub. I got out of the way before the flames ignited, but they quickly engulfed my home.

While the firefighters investigated, I hid in the kitchen next to the snack cabinet, hoping T'Challa could fix this like he does everything else. He was away on an important trip and didn't hear about the fire until his return. Maybe if he wasn't, Dakarai wouldn't have convinced Queen Mother that I needed to leave, telling her that work had stressed me out. The look of disapproval on her face still haunts me till this day. If he wasn't my fiancé, she would've pulled rank on him. Instead, she let him take me away.

"Invisible," I spoke after a few minutes, looking up as her gaze shifted from the folder to me with furrowed brows.

"I'm sorry?"

"I wanted him to see me, but he never did. Everything was more important than me."

"When you say everything...?"

"His work, his family. I never told T'Challa this, but his family was against our relationship because they thought I was after him for his money." I felt a sudden urge to walk, so I got up and moved to the window, leaning my head against it so I could watch the cars fly by.

I waited for her to say something, anything. Instead, a silence grew between us and stretched with every passing second, indicated by her ticking timer.

After about ninety more ticks—yes, I counted them all—I heaved a heavy sigh. "Do you know the first thing he said to me in that sorry card?"

She inclined her neck to look over at me.

"I hope you won't take it personal that I chose a Get Well Soon card. He hoped I didn't take it personally that he was breaking off our engagement in a get well soon card. The man that abandoned me at a mental institution."

I didn't realize I was crying until she reached over with a few tissues.

"Thank you." I took them and wiped my eyes and nose.

"You're welcome."

"You would think that getting rid of that ring would make me feel better, like a weight off my shoulders," I said with a sniffle. "Yet, the weight has only lessened. It's still there."

"Because he really hurt you."

"I know, I was stupid for staying with him."

"I wouldn't say that."

"What would you call it?"

"You were a woman in love, and that's a woman that fights for her love. You loved him and you wanted to preserve the relationship. Unfortunately, you were fighting alone and the realization of that upset you."

The silence that followed didn't have time to linger as a bell rang, signaling the end of the hour.

"Would you like to make an appointment to see me again?"

I nodded quietly.

Silent tension filled the car ride home as T'Challa and I waited for the other to drop their pride to speak. I avoided eye contact with him and stared out of the window and took in the scenery. I eventually felt his knuckles against my cheek, but I immediately pushed his hand away.

He heaved a sigh. "I understand you're upset with me-"

"Upset?!" I narrowed my eyes at him. "You lied to me and lured me under false pretenses."

"To get you help."

"Why do you think I need your help?! You're not my savior. Save that for the rest of the world!"

I folded my arms and returned my gaze to the window.

"A mule is more reasonable than you."

I snapped my head in his direction. "Excuse me?!"

"You heard what I said."

"But I shouldn't have."

"Save that attitude for the housekeepers you're in charge of."

I huffed in annoyance. "You know, if you weren't my king, I would smack you."

"Is that a threat or a promise?" He raised a cocky brow, and all sense left me as my hand connected with his face. It was sore from the encounter, but he remained stoic and unfazed.

"I lied because I had to," he told me. "If I would've told you where we were going, you would've fought me tooth and nail."

"So, you think you know what's best for me?" I scoffed. "You are just like him."

We had made it to the palace by this point, and I got out of the car without another word or glance towards him.

I've been in my chambers since. Eventually, I'll have to leave and face him for supper, but right now, he's the last person I want to see.

It seems like I'm overreacting, but he did the same thing Dakarai did to me. It's like Dr. Sisulu said, everyone decides for me.

And I wish they would stop.