A Bookshop Moves to Tadfield

Crowley and Aziraphail are munching sushi in a tiny but excellent bar that hasn't been discovered yet. Aziraphail doing the majority of the actual eating. Crowley is concentrating more on the Yamazaki whiskey. Aziraphail blots his lips with his napkin.

I say, Crowley, I have an idea. What if I move my bookshop to Tadfield? Too many customers in London. So annoying. They persist in wanting to buy things. But if the shop were in a sleepy little village like Tadfield, we could have more time to enjoy our little moments of Divine Ecstasy. What do you think?

Crowley silently considers this. Aziraphale is keenly relieved that Crowley hadn't immediately erupted with a scornful remark. He can be so, well, crusty. Crowley takes a good swallow of whiskey. A waiter scoots up to refill his glass, then darts off.

Was thinking the same thing myself, actually. Wondering how to tempt you into it. You'd be safer in Tadfield, you know. When we were there for our picnic, you noticed that Adam still has his Power, didn't you?

Well, no, to be truthful. Which I always am, of course. What a silly thing for me to say. How do you know Adam is still The Antichrist? He's such a sweet child.

Crowley grimaces.

He gave me a look. Made me feel as if he was reading the saga of my life of crime right off the back of my skull. That he'd know what to do about it if I stepped out of line. And would do it now. Scary little bastard. Holy Water is weak tea in comparison.

He did put Gabriel and Beelzebub in their places, right enough. Not to mention Lucifer, of course. (Snorts) Telling his satanic father off at age 11! So precocious! I mean, don't humans usually do that sort of thing when they're further along in their teens? I wish I'd been a fly on the wall to see the Almighty's face when that happened.

They both laugh, then sober up recalling their abject terror when the infuriated Lucifer had risen to discipline Adam.

My gosh, though. When Lucifer rose from Hell, had I been human, I suspect I'd have wet myself.

Crowley smiles, remembering some fun times he'd had with humans.

Yes, they do that, don't they.

But back to our subject. What do you mean, I'd be safer in Tadfield?

I doubt Gabriel has forgotten about you. He's a right bastard. Been so from the beginning. And his little thug Sandalphon . . . I haven't forgotten Sodom and Gomorrah. Torching humans and turning them into salt. Burning sulfur really smarts, I can tell you. What a prick.

And I very much doubt Beelzebub has forgotten you.

Beelzebub is all right. It's Hastur I'm worried about. Vindictive bastard. Loves to get really nasty. If my body wasn't celestial, I'd have scars. He and Ligur actually read my Spanish Inquisition reports. Told me they were some of the best things I'd done. I had to stay drunk for a week after writing them. The things humans think up! And now they have electricity . . . (Grimaces.)

Well, we should definitely stick together, then. At least I have my flaming sword back now. The new model is a beauty, don't you think?

Aziraphale extends his arm, and a Japanese sword appears in his hand, a sinister, deadly blade scintillating with blue flames. The Japanese restaurant staff look aghast. Crowley snaps his fingers and the staff stiffen with blank expressions, as if hypnotized. Fortunately the two angels are the only diners at the moment.

Aziraphale! For Satan's sake! (Hisses as he speaks)

Oh. Of course. Forgot myself. Sorry. I just like it so much, you know. New toy. Sweet.

Aziraphale returns the sword to 18th dimensional storage. Crowley ruefully rubs the new gold star burned into his cheek above his serpent sigil, remembering when The Almighty had visited them after they'd discovered Divine Ecstasy. Satan's assboil, that could have turned out so much worse . . . Crowley snaps his fingers and the staff return to life, looking slightly dazed and puzzled, as if something has just happened, but they can't quite remember what. Aziraphale finishes the last bit of sushi, daintily wipes his lips, summons the waiter. As he takes care of the bill, he turns to Crowley.

What do you say we go to your place tonight for some Divine Ecstasy?