CHAPTER 65: Malicious Compliance (Fandom: Umbrella Academy)

(Update day is changing! It was Sunday nights EST, it is now Tuesday sometime afternoon/evening EST. We changed our day to write because of schedule conflicts and we kept forgetting to update on Sunday.)

"So you see Five, we all have our parts to play. Now, if you have any questions you can ask Cha-Cha or you can consult the rule book, which I do very much recommend."

And he did see. He saw so much, the list of names he carried grew longer and longer. Five Hargreaves kept telling himself it was for his family, so he could see them again. But with each life, he wasn't so sure anymore. So, when his next mission was for a Dollar General cashier, it was time for him to enact one of his many contingencies.

"Hi, welcome to Dollar General."

"Hello, my name is Five, I was wondering if you could help me?"

"Yes, of course, what do you need?"

"Well, you see, I was sent here to kill you by The Commission, however, I've read the rule book and it states that killing a fellow employee is punishable by, and I quote, 'bad stuff', and I would rather that not happen to me."

"You… What? What's the Commission? And how have you read the rule book? Humans can't-"

"The Commission is a subsection of the DG PR, Plot Recovery, Division. However, in this universe they went a bit off the rails and now, especially since The Commission has human employees that can't read the rule book, and I was hoping a superior could sort all of this out for me."

The employee quickly slumped where he was standing, the resounding thud of his head on the counter.

"I hate paperwork." 'Leonard' sighed. "Well, thank you for not trying to kill me."

"Oh, you're very welcome. I'm sure we'll be in touch, have a nice day."

! #$%^&*()

Well, The Commission has gone to d1G. Or, well, will go to d1G depending on how you look at it. How, you ask, dear Reader? Simply put, The Commission failed an evaluation.

It was a sunny day at The Commission HQ in the isolated year of 1955. Everyone was doing their jobs and everything was running smoothly. That is, until the inspector showed up.

The Handler was not happy, she honestly didn't know who this guy was, but he had been able to find The Commission and talked like he was in charge, so she let him believe he was. For now.

As the Handler was showing Bjh'ke the mnemonic tubes, none other than Five Hargeaves arrived. This was getting to be more than a headache.

"Oh, hello ma'am, I was just getting back with that last assignment."

"Done already?"

"Yes ma'am, it was a fairly simple job."

"Oh good, well, this is mr. Bij-Key, an inspector here to make sure everything is running in the very best shape it can! Mr. Bij-Key, this is Five, one of our best."

Five and the inspector eyed each other for a moment.

"Mx. Bjh'ke, a pleasure, I've heard a lot about you."

The inspector raised an eyebrow as they shook hands, "so I see, all good things I hope."

"But of course, Lhn'rd had a lot of respect for you."

The Handler quickly stopped trying to clear her ears, what was that abominable sound in the middle of their sentences?

"Oh, Five, I had no idea you knew Mr. Bij-Key! Isn't that wonderful."

"I wouldn't say that I know them, but their reputation precedes them. Mx. Bjh'ke is head of the VOICE department, though I am surprised they sent you, this must have gone further up the chain than I anticipated."

"Rule breaking is, and I feel like I shouldn't have to say it, is against the rules. It goes up as much as it needs to. And as severely punished as it needs to."

Five nodded, "Yes, section A5K cross subsection 9B6 paragraph, and I'm using paragraph loosely, paragraph M2. If I'm not mistaken. And the punishment is described as 'bad things', though that phrasing is also used for the section regarding treason."

"I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused, what's the VOICED department and what's this about a cross subsection in the rule book?"

The inspector looked at the Handler, "Have you ever read the rule book?"

Silently panicking, the Handler replied, "No, I can't say I have, I've tried several times but my eyes always start bleeding so I have to stop."

"Ah, so that's the problem."

The next two hours were filled with memory wipes and letting people go. Five Hargreaves was put in charge of the newly re-integrated PR division of this universe, the Handler was dealt with, and life went on. Even with the little hiccup of self-fulfilling time paradoxes.

"I'm not adopting- I'm not adopting MYSELF! Why do I even have to say that!"