Damn that took long... But I'm finally done with Dragonpath, so I can dive back in here ^^
Chapter VI
"The Path I refused to see"
When I came back with the food, Light was already waiting outside the hovel. I would have preferred him staying in the warmth of the blankets, but I couldn't really blame him.
"How are you feeling?" I asked, carefully avoiding a rock to not trip and launch the tray directly in his face.
"Much better, thank you."
"Want to eat here, or by one of the fires?"
My embarrassment must have been still visible somewhere in my features because a small bush reappeared on his cheeks as well. "I'm okay here if you are," he said, not very eager to look me in the eyes. I couldn't really complain.
I carefully kneeled down, putting our food onto the grass a little to the left from the entrance. Right as my hands brushed the soft blades, I heard Light's stomach grumble loudly. Thank the forest spirits it decided to wait until that moment, because I had no idea if I would have been able to hold onto the tray with the wave of amusement that sound sent through me.
"Thanks for the meal," he mumbled.
"You take care of our next meal, how about that?" I suggested, wanting to ease his guilt about me constantly feeding him a little bit.
"Sure thing," he sounded rather neutral. I really hoped it was just a way of hiding his embarrassment...
I was just about to sit down comfortably when my eyes fell on the cup that I brought with me. I glanced towards the interior of my home, spotting a similar one by my bedding... "Oh..." was all I could say at the realization of just how much the unusual awakening messed up my mind. I snuck inside for a second and brought the herb tea outside.
"I'll make a fresh pot if you want," Light suggested, his hand already grabbing the other cup.
"No wait," I stopped him. "I... need practice."
Taking a deeper breath, I concentrated on the cup in my hands. The forest whispered quietly in anticipation, and I reached out to the warmth that the sun's rays left on the sparse leaves above our heads. There wasn't much of it so I helped myself to the nearest campfire, added the heat of the charcoals' gleam to the spell... and the infusion in the cup started steaming again, like in the very moment I poured the boiling water onto the herbs.
That achievement made me happy, all the more because it didn't tire me out very much, but all I could see on Light's face was worry. "Hey, hang on," it seemed like he wanted to belatedly reach out to my hand to stop me, but restrained himself. "Didn't you say you should be careful when using magic?"
"Yes, but I need to find my strength again... and I can't do that while doing nothing."
"Just... be careful okay?"
"I am," I conveyed my gratitude with a warm smile. His concern was really touching. "We're at the camp, where I can rest anytime if I needed, besides... you're here..."
I looked away, feeling some of the heat returning to my cheeks. I wished I could have blamed it on a part of my spell getting sidetracked, but I somehow knew I would just be lying to myself.
"Yeah..." he didn't sound convinced. "Though you've been sleeping most of the day. I wouldn't want you to be drained so soon after waking up."
"Don't worry, I promise I will be careful," I slowly passed the hot cup to him.
Finally, he smiled, unsure but genuine. "Thanks." He blew onto the contents a few times before taking a small sip. For some reason, surprise lit up his eyes. "Normally when you reheat things, it doesn't taste as great..."
His reactions to the wonders of my world never failed to send me into giggles. "Welcome to the world of magic."
He echoed my laugh quietly. "I suppose so. How much magic do you know?"
That question took me by surprise a tiny bit. But I decided to be honest. "More than an average mage. But I can't use it anymore."
"I see..." a little frown dared to sneak onto his gentle features. "Well, I hope one day you'll recover fully."
I would need a really good reason for that... I tried to smile in hope that the pain I felt in my chest wouldn't reach my eyes. "I don't think I want to regain my full strength."
His eyes left mine and fixed on the soft grass in front of him for a moment. I could tell he was thinking about something, and it wasn't something very pleasant. "I know what it's like... to want to run away from your past," he spoke slowly, carefully, it felt like he was trying to form these thoughts into words for the first time in his life, despite battling them in his mind for years. "But trust me... if you do, one day it'll catch up to you no matter how fast you run. And if you're not facing it, it will consume you."
My body felt like it froze for a few moments. Deep down I knew that he was right. But my soul didn't seem ready to accept it just yet. The scars... were still too fresh. There was something that distracted my attention from the recurring pain though. The tone he spoke in... I knew he wasn't just repeating words of wisdom he heard from someone else before. They were coming from his own experience... "What was it that caught up to you...?" I whispered.
The silence that followed my question was surprisingly short for the weight of the answer that came after it. "Someone I murdered..."
... murdered...?
I... I had no idea for how long I stayed silent. Light? A murderer? My mind almost reflexively rejected the idea of him doing it on purpose. Not with that innocence tinting his irises. Not with the amount of pain that was hiding behind them...
"Was it... out of necessity?" I asked almost inaudibly. "Or was it your free will...?"
"I... I probably could've done more to prevent it... but I didn't. I killed her... only for her to come back alive and ready to torment me..."
I suppressed a shudder. "And... what was the reason why you didn't do more to prevent it?"
I shouldn't have asked. A final seal keeping his memories from resurfacing broke and the muscles on his face quivered. He was on the brink of tears... "She killed a child... like any other beast... right in front of me..."
Even his voice was trembling... his very soul was... I could feel it way too clearly and it was almost too much to bear. I felt guilty about making him remember it, but he said himself... running was no option...
I reached out and placed my hand on his, hoping I could soothe his heart somehow. "Did she ever explain why she did it?"
"All to get my attention..."
He surely felt the twitch of my fingers... To kill an innocent child... and tear the heart of the ones watching apart... for such a selfish and mindless reason... If I had been there, I would probably have burned her to ashes on the spot... I could never blame Light for what he did, even if he probably would for the rest of his life...
"And the reason why you say you killed her, wasn't because you've run her through with your sword... but because you stood there, allowing someone or something else to do it...?"
"No," Light shattered the fragile hope I still had for the sake of his heart. "I ran my sword through Crystal... I didn't want to kill her... but seeing her kill someone I was supposed to protect, someone who was a few years younger than me... it filled me with a rage that terrifies me now..."
No wonder... I felt the same way when I ascended above the still smoking ruins of the Shinestone stronghold... knowing that I buried at least a dozen living beings underneath them just because of one man's twisted ambitions. It didn't matter if they were good or evil. It tore my heart apart all the same... And the fact that there were people cruel and thoughtless enough to make even pure people like Light do things they were disgusted by this much didn't make it any better...
But... was his heart already torn apart or was it still holding together through some kind of miracle...? My hand wandered from his palm to his chest without me really realizing. It was beating... was still warm... And his eyes told me that there were still things he could feel other than hatred for himself, regret and bitterness. So there was still hope... "Then it wasn't your fault..." I wasn't going to let it die... I was determined to fan it back into a full flame.
Something small and diamond-like dropped from beneath his bangs as he shook his head. "It was... It's always been my fault..."
I wouldn't let him shatter... not when he was still fighting so desperately to stay sane... But for now, the only weapons at my disposal were my words and careful actions... I moved closer, giving him time to react should he feel the need to, but when he didn't, I dared to circle my arms around him, one of my hands coming to rest on his back, the other on his soft hair. I didn't want him to feel like the whole world hated him now, even if he himself wasn't able to stop the self-hatred. "It wasn't..." I said quietly, my words meant only for his ears, but my feelings spreading for the whole world to sense, "you've stayed true to what you believe in... you've kept your righteous heart... you've shown how love and care for another person can make us do things we never believed we were able to do... even if it's horrible things... I would forgive you..."
"But I killed someone..."
"You did... but do you know what the difference is between you and her?"
"Nothing at all..." he tried to pull away, but I didn't let him.
Silly...
"There is, such a huge one..." my hand slipped down his hair to brush his cheek, wiping away the cold mark which the tear left behind. Something a real murderer would never allow to stain his skin. "This is the difference. You regret it... you suffer because of what you have done... and you've already shed so many tears, the real ones, and the ones your heart has shed, that I'm amazed you are still able to smile... You've blamed yourself enough..."
"I'll never be able to forgive myself..." he took a breath, probably to calm himself. And indeed, his next words came more steady. "I'm sorry... that was supposed to be me trying to comfort you."
I was afraid of him breaking... but at that moment... it was something inside of me that unexpectedly cracked, the feeling of it resonating in my chest. I backed away, letting my arms fall to my lap. "It's alright..." Why... why was I saying this when it obviously wasn't...? "I'm sorry I wasn't able to help..."
"It's something I'll never be able to forgive myself for. Trust me, I've tried... She's alive and yet I can't forgive myself..." I couldn't really blame him... Not being able to forgive himself was proof that he was still a human, not a monster like he seemed to believe... Ironic... Still... why did it hurt so much...? "You okay...?" I heard the hesitant question.
Was I...?
"I am... I'm used to it by now, don't worry..." I was... it was natural that I wasn't able to help absolutely everyone I crossed paths with, but then why wasn't I able to just accept it this time...?
"If you need it, I can share your burden..." he offered softly.
"The burden of being useless...? There is no need..."
It was childish... just because I didn't succeed at something, I was starting to throw sarcasm at him, even though he has done nothing wrong... I was angry at myself, not at him...
"You're not useless. I would have been lost without you these last few days."
I smiled, though there was no happiness behind it. "Being a guide, giving food and shelter...? Anyone could do that... But when it comes to the really important things...? I'm utterly useless..."
I heard him shifting closer but refused to look at him. "All of that was important to me... that's what matters most."
"You don't have to force yourself to be nice..." I tried to look up, but didn't manage to. What stopped me halfway was the sting of tears which I didn't want him to see. "I always do that... barge into people's lives, thinking that I understand, that I can help them... but I understand nothing... not a single thing..."
"You're trying... that's more than most people will do."
What does trying bring... failure, disappointment, bitterness... After what I've done, I wasn't even able to make up for it somehow... "I don't want to try anymore..." my last thought forced its way out of me along with tears as the last bit of strength that my mind held vanished without a trace.
Light must have sensed it, because he made an attempt to help me keep it together by circling his arms around me. But I didn't want pity... I didn't deserve anything he was trying to give me by doing this so I tried to move away. At the same time though... I didn't want to hurt him more than I already did, so I gave up, letting my body go lax and not caring anymore...
"I don't know what happened to you... what caused you so much pain..." I heard him whisper, his voice softer than ever before. "But if you need a shoulder to cry on, I can be there," I felt one of his hands starting to rub my back, hesitantly at first, but when I did nothing to stop him, it gained confidence. "I'm not great at helping you deal with the problem, but it's better to let it out rather than keep it all bottled inside."
"I could do the same for you, but what does it change...? Nothing..." I've just proven that, didn't I... "I've killed people too Light... and yet the fact that I can't help you makes me feel worse than their deaths... How much more horrible can a human being get...?"
What stopped me from continuing wasn't, surprisingly, the fact that my darkest secret just spilled from my lips like it was something normal to mention in an everyday conversation. It was the fact that Light showed no reaction. He wasn't surprised, shocked, disgusted... I sensed nothing, as if it was something he already knew about... "You can't change the past..." his voice broke through this stream of thought, "so we try our best to move on and be better..."
"How...?"
"Try and find something to protect."
I was trying to... before and after I lost my powers, all I wanted to do was protect... Until my desire to protect caused me to kill... But... if I was ever to make it right again... I had to keep protecting... maybe...
Maybe by starting with you...
I may have failed to comfort him... but if he himself was urging me to keep going... maybe I shouldn't let that discourage me... And... I feared that among all the hatred for himself, he really didn't care about his own life anymore. So maybe that was the reason why he appeared in the forest... so I could care for him instead...
I gathered the strength and courage to look up a bit, not looking him in the eyes just yet. "There are a lot of things I want to protect..."
"That's a good start," I could tell he was smiling...
"But what about you...?"
"I failed to protect what I wanted..." That sting returned. Asking me to do something he could not... it felt... wrong... unfair...
"Then... how can you try to move on to be better?"
"I was punished for my failure." There was a small shiver that ran through his body to mine. That sentence felt cut short, the further explanation that I expected drowned by some thought he was battling with.
"How was that an answer to my question?" I urged, trying to bring him back to reality.
"It's some way to move on... to accept my failure."
I stared at the calming purple of his tunic for a few long moments. Maybe he was right... unless I accepted what I've done... I wouldn't be able to move forward. I would stay here, hidden in the forest, my existence losing its meaning... "You mean... atonement? Trying to... do better next time?"
I felt him nod. "Something like that. The universe decided to give me a second chance. Might as well use it. And the fact that you survived your pain means the universe thinks you deserve a second chance too."
Was he reading my thoughts...? Or was it really so obvious and I just missed the answer, busy being overpowered by the disgust I felt every time I thought back to the time in the Shinestone stronghold...?
I finally dared to lift my gaze, seeking his eyes and a confirmation in them. Was he really the second chance that I received...? If so... I was going to protect him from the world and from himself, even if it meant I had to sacrifice myself...
"You okay now?" he asked, apparently not sure how to interpret the stare I gave him.
It was difficult to answer for some reason. I was certain about this new resolve, but a part of me still seemed to doubt if I had the strength to actually see it through. "I think so..." I finally managed.
His smile was so heartwarming it was hard to believe he was crying just a few minutes ago. Just how strong was this man...? Or did he...?
His hands wandered to my shoulders, trying to make sure I focused on his next words with my whole heart and soul. "It might be hard, but try to move on."
"Will you try to...?"
He needed a few moments before he answered: "I can't forgive myself for what I've done... but I'm going to use this second chance to protect something... and I won't fail this time."
He did...
He already found something to protect...
I smiled, allowing the determination to hold on to that new goal to spread from the small place in my chest where it waited for a final decision. If he was going to try... then I would too. "I guess that's a good start too," I told him, sealing the unspoken promise that we made to each other.
The smile he gave me in return drove back the remnants of the coldness that this conversation brought at the start. "We should probably eat."
I almost blushed, embarrassed by the fact we got sidetracked this much. "Oh... that's right... sorry."
"Don't worry about it," Light took one of the fish from the tray first. I had a feeling he enjoyed the way we made them here. "And if you want to talk one day, I'll be here. It's the least I can do after you've done the same for me."
I started to nibble at my fish, listening to a woodpecker knocking on a pine and thinking. Was it a good idea...? I basically already told him that I was a murderer, so there wasn't really anything that could make things worse... "I'll tell you..." I muttered. I thought I saw a glimmer of relief in his eyes as he kept them fixed on his food, smiling to himself ever so softly. "Would you maybe... want to take a walk with me tomorrow...?"
"Sure," his voice was a little shaky for some reason. I just smiled, not asking anymore. He revealed so much to me today, I decided to let his soul rest for a moment and gather strength to keep moving forward. He seemed to indeed be struggling with something still, because his next words were barely audible against the rustling of leaves. "Sorry I brought down the mood again..."
I shook my head, trying to reassure him. "It felt good... like it cleansed me a little inside."
"I'm glad."
After we finished the meal, I stacked up the dishes on the tray and offered Light another opportunity to ease his guilt: "Want to wash them?"
"Sure thing," he accepted eagerly, getting up and taking the tray. He walked away unhurriedly, heading towards the stream on the east border of the camp.
Once he vanished from my field of view, I let my eyes wander towards the tree crowns above and the soft glow of approaching sunset above their majestic branches.
It felt strange. For weeks, I wasn't able to talk to anyone except for master Arakiel about what has happened since I left the camp that cursed day, and what burden was placed on my heart the day before I came back. Yet I was about to reveal it to someone I've only known for a few days...
It didn't feel like just a few days though. I was aware that I didn't yet know even half of the secrets that he kept buried beneath his kindness and strength, but I seemed to discover one thing connecting us after another, our souls practically longing to stay close, as if they were once one and were happy to have found each other again... He offered me a chance to walk down a different path from the one I have chosen for myself after sealing my powers away... and I was not going to stab a knife into his heart by refusing.
I only realized that my eyes were starting to drift shut when I heard that clear voice again: "All done."
I forced them to stay open and smiled. "Thank you."
Was it just the sleepiness that made me see things, or did something in his eyes change...? He looked... a little thrown off balance and at the same time happy and... peaceful...? Light took the blanket I gave him earlier from his shoulders and folded it neatly. "Here," he passed it to me, not allowing me to think further. "You need this."
I hesitated. ""But what about you? What if yours is still not dry?"
"I'll manage."
"If not, then..." I cast an unsure glance at my messed up bedding inside my home. No, I shouldn't... "Just... don't hesitate to move closer to one of the fires. I'm sure no one will give you any weird looks anymore."
"I will," he smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow then."
"Good night."
He looked me in the eyes one more time, as if wanting to make sure of something before he went to sleep and it was necessary for him to have a peaceful one. "Sleep well... and thank you..." he stammered out, soon averting his eyes again.
I had to hide the tiny sting of pain under a small smile. There was nothing to thank me for... "I didn't do much but... I'm glad I could. And thank you too..."
"It was the least I could do after all you've done for me."
He walked away, not waiting for another answer.
It felt weird... wrong. His place was here, in this hovel next to me, not out there among the trees, making him look like he was still a stranger...
I sighed and crawled inside, taking the clean dishes with me, intending to use them to get breakfast tomorrow. I rearranged my bed slightly, putting the extra pillow away and hiding underneath the blankets. A sudden wave of exhaustion hit me... Was it because of the spell I used, or the mental strain that conversation put on me...? If it was the latter, Light probably felt the same right now...
I opened my eyes one last time to look at the pillow I set aside. After a moment of staring, I reached out and pulled it closer slightly, just into arm's reach, my fingers gently clenching around the fabric in search for some remaining warmth.
I just hoped it wouldn't rain again tonight...
It feels so nice to come back to this story... I've missed it. I will update more regurarly now, and I will start to work on Sky Stories.
Thank you sweetheart, I'm so glad I can make you smile :AsuHappy: Be prepared for much more new stuff now 3
Thanks to everyone who reads, this journey is far from being over. And I mean... FAR... XD