I went back to the common room after a few more minutes, and found my classmates huddled around a table, so I went to join them. They were doing the assignments for the week, and without hesitation they dropped everything and began making space at the table, adding a cushion to the long, wooden stool for me, and asking if I had questions. For the next hour they helped me complete my potions assignment, my charms essay, and my transfiguration research.
After this I almost fell asleep at the table, and so I was ushered off by worried voices. And when I arrived I tried hard to put the nightmares from my mind, but before the others had even joined me, the nightmares had found me, and stampeded into my dreams. Before I had much sleep at all, Ivy pushed open the curtains on my bed screaming at me.
"What is all this racket?" I called back, the sound filling my space with a deafening suddenness. Ivy looked shaken, her eyes like dinner plates, as she spoke in hurried cadence.
"Sirius... it's Sirius Black, he's been in the castle!" And with that I shot out of bed, pulled out my wand.
"Where?!"
"He attacked the entrance to Gryffindor Tower! He's missing, but we have to go!" She pushed on my thigh, urging me up.
"Go where?" My heart thumping as she was gathering her patchwork cardigan over her pyjamas.
"The great hall! Get up!" She was angry, and agitated as I had never seen her.
I got up and too put a house coat over my pyjamas, gathering the plush ivory tie around my waist. "Alright, let's go."
She led me by the hand out of the room timidly, looking suspiciously around every corner, until we were led out of the barrel, enlarged by Professor Sprout so that we may go three at a time. We all found ourselves within the other houses and the staff in the great hall. Mato and Jacy immediately beelined it for me, and before I could refuse, they drug me to a corner, one twin attached to each arm.
"Any injuries?" Mato began to lift my arms checking them, eyes trailing the edges and joints, as if looking at a machine.
"None whatsoever." I yanked my arms away.
Jacy said nothing, and Mato instead took the mantle.
"You will sleep between us,"
"Absolutely not!" I threw up my arms, "don't be ridiculous, I'll sleep with my house," but as I turned to go Mato grabbed my shoulder firmly.
"This is not a request." His eyes burned bright as the candles danced upon the deep browns that left no room for question. When I turned to Jacy he turned away.
"I won't be doing much sleeping". I shucked off Mato's arm and moved to tell Ivy that I would be with Mato and Jacy.
"I mean, they are your family, so it makes sense, you should go." She didn't smile, and instead was bedding down next to Hannah and Susan.
"Right... family, I suppose I will then."
"Good", and she turned away.
I had never felt more alone than in that moment. I watched her a moment while she and the other girls put their beds together. But I turned, face stoic, if not a little tired and once I had retrieved a pillow and blanket, I threw it down between Mato and Jacy. Mato to my right, and Jacy to my left. I turned on my side to face Mato.
Our bodies weren't touching but we were close enough to hear each other breathe, and I knew that so long as the threat existed, they would not sleep. Well lucky for them, neither would I.
The next day, after the castle had been thoroughly combed, we were permitted to return to our dorms. It seemed Sirius Black had made a daring escape. Classes resumed the day after again with the school gripped with fear not unlike it had when the Basilisk had been haunting the halls. It seemed that Harry was the intended target and still Mato and Jacy increased security around me, walking me to classes or following as I and my classmates went.
After that night, I shut most of the people out, I just wanted to be alone, for if even Ivy wanted me to be alone, then I supposed I should be. I would answer a question in class, succinctly and assuredly, as I focused on my studies more than ever. I still was around my friends but I very rarely contributed to the conversation, and when I did, the table would be in silent awe. I often had to clear my throat before speaking, my tongue dull and heavy from disuse. Still, everyday we got up, we went to class, I studied and life carried on.
Most days went like this, but each day seemed a little easier to get up, practice magic and see my friends. I put the incident in the back of my mind, and left it untouched until night when even the nightmares were subsiding. The confidence I had last year was gone, the idea that I was limitless, the idea I could not be stopped, would always get my way and was above all reproach was dashed. I was Future Seneschal, but I now knew that even that title couldn't protect me from the destructive parts of myself.
Finally, it was the first quidditch match of the season and the option to sleep in was revoked by every house member. The moment I left the dorm I was being hit on the shoulder by eager passers by and girls with painted yellow and black cheeks, the energy running high as ever. I managed to make it to the washroom, shower up and put my hair in a high ponytail. I always liked this look, it made me feel powerful, resourceful, and also stopped my hair from being sat on should we be so lucky as to get seats.
Quidditch was not my favourite thing. Team sports were not my thing. Who would have played with me? The First Minister? Too proper for that. The stable boys? And risk their jobs on impropriety? Most certainly not. So I never fostered the love some had for sports and still, even I today was getting in the mood for the excitement and hype of the game. I pressed my skirt into perfect pleats, and my collar to be extra stiff. Today would be good.
I set out with Ivy, the rest of the class; most of the house already thundered out along with Cedric and team. I didn't like being inside the crowd and asked if we could wait. Turns out that was Ivy's idea as well.
When we started off towards the pitch the sky was already dark and you could smell the autumn rain ready to let loose upon us. I had brought my Impossibly Light Impossible Bag with me: it was a shoulder bag that had been enchanted to be essentially bottomless. I had kept a scarf inside it and a vat of hot cocoa that I had asked the lovely House Elves to make for me.
We had to push and nudge but we finally found Hannah and Susan on one of the bridges between towers that outlined the field. Susan waved wildly at us, pointing and screaming into the wind, "We saved you a spot! Come on!" And we excused ourselves countless times before finding ourselves front and centre for the show.
It was a blur at first. First it was the rain, pouring down. The older students erected an invisible barrier above the bridge so as we wouldn't get terribly wet. Next, the snitch went up, and a roar was let out by the crowd. I could see flashes of Fred and George because of their vibrant hair and streams of red or yellow, and if it hadn't been for Lee Jordan and Professor Mcgonagall, I would not have known what was happening in the game. For now, the rain was pelting so hard it made it difficult to see two inches in front of your face let alone onto the field.
Then the screams started. I hadn't noticed Harry or Cedric start up for the snitch, but I saw Harry falling from the sky, his broom spinning in the air as it went, and Harry seemingly limp.
"Harry is falling!" Hannah called out and then I saw it, on his tail, as he fell; the Dementor, a horrid, rancid arm reaching out to him. In my mind, time had stopped. I didn't feel the rain on my face, I didn't feel the wind blow through my robes. All the same I climbed onto the railing of the bridge, Ivy and Hanna gently tugging and begging me to come down, but I had already begun to find it. My inner spirit. I had learned to pull out my spirit flame before heading out for my trek up North. I had learned the how to focus energy from my spirit into something tangible. I breathed slowly. Dementors can not hurt me, I have a patronus, but Harry? He was in desperate need of aide.
Students began screaming, and pointing all around us, the Dementor's hand getting closer and closing the gap between it and Harry, ready for Death's Kiss. As I readied my attack, my eyes locked on the falling duo, and a suddenly I didn't see Harry and the Dementor; I saw Amka reaching out to me, her hands opening and closing around nothing as she silently screamed. My limbs wouldn't move. My heart was ready to beat out of my chest, when even at the same time my lungs started gasping for air. My body began to shake and my knees buckled beneath me. I was trying to heave my breath through my lungs, but it seemed that no matter how I tried it never reached them. I thought I would die at that point, and in a moment I thought that I didn't want to, I didn't want to, so I started pawing at the people around me, who were already bent over trying to help me.
"Ellie!" Ivy called out, the rain pelting her face, any concentration on the invisible shield gone and the rain coming down on us all.
I looked into Ivy's eyes, and she looked scared, as scared as she had been the night we encountered the Smoke Soul. Suddenly I was being lifted and carried down and out of the quidditch stands, I could hear someone calling out "Make way!" As scrambling students were shifting out of our trajectory.
Once we reached the bottom I lolled my head to the side to see the quidditch field, and surrounding Harry, who was now on the grass, as if asleep, were scores of Dementors. I tried to stop the people carrying me, he needed my help, but we continued on. I could feel hot tears of shame and disappointment mix with the rain on my face as we made our way back to the castle.
Before we could reach it though the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher stopped us, I could feel his energy, small and unassuming as it was, it was also calming. I grabbed his arm, and gasped, "Harry?"
He told them to set me down, before answering me, "Miss Reed, you are having a panic attack. You need to calm down, Harry is fine, the Headmaster is taking him to the Infirmary." He pulled out some chocolate from his patched, ragged, cloak, and put a small piece to my hand, "Eat it".
I looked at my hand and lifted it with great effort and shaking. The moment it hit my tongue I felt it melt and with it came a sense of warming that had me breathe out one steady breath.
"Good, now count how many people are with you."
I did, and held up three fingers. Ivy, Justin, and the Professor.
"How many layers are you wearing?"
I put up two fingers, the back of my hand facing him, and giggles erupted behind him. My breathing came easier. My focus more sure.
"How many things can you hear?"
"Three. Your voice, the wind and the rain."
"Can you get up?" I nodded, and felt a hand under my arm. Ivy, as always.
"Excellent, the rest of you should carry on, I'll help Miss. Reed get to the infirmary," he instructed. He seemed too thin to carry me on his own, and Ivy seemed to think the same, for she lingered.
"I'll help you Professor," I could hear the shaking in her voice as she moved towards me.
"I promise you, Miss Hart, I am quite capable. Besides your house heads will need you to report to your common rooms, immediately."
Ivy had her arms outstretched, still reluctant to leave, but Justin set a hand on her shoulder. Ivy nodded and her and Justin went off, looking back many times as they did.
"It's going to be fine." The professor reassured me, but all I wanted to do was bury myself into my pillow and cry.
He lifted one arm under mine, and a gentle hand on my back. He lifted me with little effort despite his seemingly small frame. I realized I couldn't remember the Professor's name.
"You are very strong, Your Grace," he started without looking at me, everyone was miles ahead of us, "After I heard what happened, I was tremendously sorry for having you participate with the boggart. Please, accept my apology," and finally his eyes met mine, although I was suddenly very tired, and had difficulty maintaining eye contact.
"I know your fear is unique, and intense, but-"
Before much else could be said Mato and Jacy came running up behind the Professor, and excused him of being my escort. Before the Professor left he said, "Boggarts are the mirror we wish we'd never looked into, but if we are to move forward, we must face those fears. Come to my office when you are ready to face yours."
I nodded, slowly, everything seeming so heavy now, the dark had begun to close on me, the edges of my vision blurring and then slipping into nothingness.
Eventually I woke up in the hospital wing ashamed and upset with myself. I pulled the thick blankets around my shoulders, my arms, and up to my cheeks, where I tried very hard to cry silently.
I awoke late the next morning with a stern reprimand from Madam Pomfrey pertaining to my night terrors. She gave me a small vial, a tincture to put in my tea before bed. She cut me off from caffeine, sugar, and late nights. She also assured me that she would send a note to my teachers asking for clemency for my defect. I took the tincture and began to my room when I was accosted by my guards.
I turned to Jacy, who had his best impression of Mato on, as the accusations were ready to fly from his mouth. Mato silently led us to the greenhouse that we had explicitly used throughout the last year to have private discussions. This year it was outfitted with a special spell that we were privy to to unlock the doors. There were no 'Allohamora's for us.
"Me Solam" Mato spoke the words with a dose of vexation, and then we all entered and we uttered the word, "Secretum" and drug our wands, a flexible fabric of shimmering gold blanketed the areas we designated.
Once in I could see the plants; alive, well, and warm. The greenhouse was ways an escape for me, it felt like another world, and although plant magic wasn't my strongest, I felt connected to them. The air warm, almost sticky with the humidity, and the smell of the freshly turned soil was sweet to my nose.
"Ellie, you know I have to report this incident," Jacy's face was saddened but firm. Mato silently nodded at his side.
"I know but if you could lessen the severity of it-"
"Lessen the severity?!" He seemed to be in disbelief, Mato was stoic and only looked between us both.
I put my hands up, knowing this was going to be a hard battle to win, "Yes, after all I'm fine-"
"Fine? You're anything but fine, and I'm tired of pretending like you are!" He let out suddenly.
My mouth fell open as I tried to find the words to counter him, I looked to Mato, who seemed to be waiting to see how this would pan out. "Madam Pomfrey has given me a sleeping tincture, and with that I'll-"
"She prescribed you something! What's in it? Let me see." This was Mato's intervention, "you have to be more careful about what people give you. She knows your position and can be trying to use that to gain something or control you. You must be more aware." He was not cruel in his delivery, but the authority he ascribed was cold.
I crossed my arms in defiance but knowing he was not wrong, I passed him the vial.
"Have you had any?"
"Not yet!" I sassed.
He nodded and moved slightly away from me as Jacy rubbed his temples. The warmth of the plants and the glowing feeling they had invoked in me was replaced with not only a subtle dread that I had not thought of the implications of taking a tincture from someone we seemingly trusted; but not absolutely, only increased the guilt and shame I felt. By doing that, the fire in me welled to protect me.
"I chose this school for the prestigious staff; the trustworthy staff. It is insulting to imply they meant any wrongdoing." I pouted.
"I don't think you should be at school this year. I think you need to study at your own pace where you are safe, and can receive the training you need for the coming year." Jacy calmly suggested, and that calm only enraged me further.
"So you will recommend that I leave school?" I lowered my octave and projected my voice loud enough I was sure to go beyond the barrier.
He looked up to meet my flaming eyes, and his were as clear as water. "Then do as you please! School has been the only thing tethering me in this chaotic, unstable time!" Stealing words from my Psychiatrist, "but do your work Jacy Atrim! See what comes of it!" And I ran from the greenhouses, slamming the door on the wall behind it, leaving it swinging in the chill air.