I had run to the barrels, launched myself through the tunnel and marched passed my classmates to the dormitory door. I flung it open with such force that Helga Hufflepuff's portrait shook on the wall, although she didn't say anything. I marched down the hall to our room, grabbed my toiletries and then stamped to the showers. I sat in the heat of the water until the shower head shook itself at me and shut off. I left my hair covering my face, dry from pulling the water out of it, making it frizzy and horrid. Through the gaps in my hair I found our room, and plopped down on the bed. I pulled the thick curtains around my bed shut and cast the silence spell so I might get on with this in peace.
I knew saving Harry would not bring back Amka. I knew that and still the guilt I felt that would haunt me if I had done nothing would have been as great as if it was her. Truthfully for a moment I had envisioned her and the... creature when it was Harry and the Dementor. But only for a second. Dementors were agents of Darkness, and to let one get so close to the boy who lived, seemed a crime in its own right. Still, the tears came from me as I gently sobbed into my pillow, the leafy plant above me pushing my hair out of my eyes as I did.
I fell asleep that night before the others could come in, and I awoke screaming long before they could have fallen asleep themselves.
The week was treacherous, and my mood even more so. I hardly spoke to my classmates, I handed in pathetically written papers scrawled in my worst writing. I was angry and seething with Mato and Jacy, who knowing my temperament stayed a distance for any reporting they had to do. But more than themselves I was livid with myself. I had failed Harry, and by doing so, failed Amka, yet again. I knew I wasn't living to my potential or my duty and yet I was so angry that even Pansy kept her distance.
Sunday was our own day, and so I thought to go to the library and read or to go out to the forest to see Calensis, but I felt heavy and lethargic after having so much fire flow through my veins, so I stayed. The others rose, although none tried to wake me. I felt more abandoned knowing that even Ivy wouldn't check up on me.
I don't know what time I rose to go to the washroom, but once I was finished I looked up into the mirror. It started very small, a little tuft of air from my throat to mouth, then a rumble in my stomach, until it became an audible giggle. My hair had become stuck in position in a wild place. Some parts were up, some covering my face.
I stamped my feet back and forth knees bent high and stuck out my tongue. I didn't notice when others arrived.
"Ellie?" I heard Ivy's shivering voice reverberate off the stone of the showers.
I looked over, parting my hair so I might identify myself. I started laughing, and I grabbed out to Ivy's hand but she backed away, and with her went my jovial spirit.
"I just...I wanted to show you my... hair," I pointed at the mirror and then began to run my fingers through it in front of my body, attempting to detangle it.
"Ellie," she came forward again, "are you alright?" Behind her, Susan and Hannah were slowly entering the toilet as well, closing the door behind them.
"Yesterday, you really scared us," Hannah spoke up.
"We are just worried that you'll..." Susan added.
"Leave, again." I whispered.
"Yes, and no." Ivy grabbed my hands tightly in hers, "We don't know what happened to you, we know you lost a friend, and we are so, dreadfully sorry about that," she paused, the humidity of the room starting to make us all perspire, "But we don't want to lose ours."
I looked into her eyes truly, for the first time since being back, and I saw pain, that I had caused, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, IM SORRY," I began saying louder and louder, until they muffled it with their bodies. They were sobbing, as I blubbered through the words until my throat went dry. It was refreshing, like standing under a waterfall, withstanding the pressure and feeling cleansed, and new after leaving it.
When I finally stopped they stood up, and wiped their faces with their sleeves, rising with determined faces.
"Now, lets go get some lunch." Ivy pushed her fists to her hips as the other two pushed me out of the washroom, and into our dorm. There they started rummaging through the clothes in my trunk, until they found clean socks, a black knee length skirt, and a white t-shirt, and my tweed blazer that had already begun to not fit in the shoulders and the torso. In a flurry I was dressed, and the girls had out a magazine and were trying spells to help tie my hair in beautiful braids, but I stopped them before they could do any real damage and using a hair brush and the wind, tied it into my tight, high pony. I wrapped a few pieces of hair around the tail to knot it in place.
They too were wearing their casual clothes, Hannah in a simple skirt that went to her calves, and a brown turtleneck that hung lazily on her waist. Susan was of slim build, and wore a sweater dress, hanging below her knees and thick, black, stockings to cover her legs. Ivy wore a set of denim overalls over a false turtleneck. One of the straps was loose and she let it hang there as an act of defiance.
Once we left the common room, we snuck off to the kitchens and Hannah traded the house elf at the door some home made cookies from her mother for a wicker picnic basket. Soon, the four of us were sitting on a bench outside in the courtyard, jackets undone on an unusually warm day after such a downpour of rain. The leaves were falling to the ground all around us, and the smell of autumn was everywhere. Inside the basket were four perfectly made sandwiches, macron cookies, a vat of piping hot tea, and scones for after. It had us feeling like we were very proper ladies. We even tucked our feet gracefully under the bench, never crossing our legs, and lifting our little cups with our pinkies out, although I knew this to be a true mockery. No proper lady would stick her finger out while drinking tea.
"Is this an unauthorized picnic?" We heard from behind us, we all turned to see Professor Sprout, one of her eyebrows dipping low, and the curve of her mouth in an unfamiliar frown.
We all seized up, but I cleared my throat, "It's as you suspect Professor," I gulped as her eyes wandered to me, so unusual seeing her in such a mood, I was unprepared for any outcome.
"Well, then. I suppose I'll have to..." she thought for a moment while we held our breath, "take a scone in recompense." And she winked with her one eye, the anger melting away, and we passed her a scone.
"Nothing wrong with a little friendly picnic, but we don't want the kitchen to be inundated with knocks on doors and bribes, otherwise we wouldn't have any dinner!" She laughed heartily, "So I suggest you find a more secretive place for your afternoon tea," and she sauntered away, her eyes mischievously watching us until she was paces away.
We all breathed out, and then laughed heartily ourselves. Eventually we began to feel chilled and finished our picnic to return to the common room. The warmth of the fire and the floating sun above us had us peeling jackets off and easing away to the study side of the room. Hannah went to return the picnic basket and said that dinner wouldn't be long, so we shouldn't get too comfortable.
The girls chatted around me, Susan not so subtly announcing how handsome Cedric was, and Hannah prodding Ivy about liking anyone in our year or not.
"You know Valentine's is not so far away!" She teased Ivy, poking at her forehead and arms repetitively.
Ivy brushed her arms aside in good humour, "Let's get through Christmas first!" I watched on, my head resting on my interlaced fingers.
"Are you tired Ellie?" Susan asked.
I opened my eyes, unaware I had closed them, "Oh, I haven't been sleeping well," I started.
"We know," Hannah whispered.
Ivy knocked her elbow off the table with her fist, "Hannah!" She scorned.
"The silence spell isn't working, is it?" I asked looking at them honestly.
They switched to being more quiet and demure, shifting in their seats. Suddenly the fire which would normally been comforting was sweltering and no one was looking me in the eye.
I sighed, "I'm sorry-"
"It's not so bad!" Susan called out, "but it isn't unnoticeable..." she trailed off.
"I'm still sorry." The guilt dug into my thighs deep enough until I realized that the guilt was actually my finger nails, and blood was running down my leg. I silently thought I was getting what I deserved.
"Honestly Ellie, I wish you would talk to someone," Hannah reverently passed down the table at me.
"I've tried talking to someone. It doesn't help." Doing things seemed to help, focusing on other things seemed to help, moving past the incident was the only way to move on with my life. Forget it even happened.
"Ellie," Susan put a hand to mine, "whatever happened, I think you need to deal with it. Before we have to have tea to rescue you from a bad hair day every Sunday", She pretend rolled her eyes at me which made me smile a half smile. Susan wasn't often goofy.
"I'll try." I admitted to my lap.
"That's all we can ask, but do it for you, Ellie, and not because you feel bad for us. You don't need to." Hannah added.
Eventually they stood to leave, heading to the Great Hall, and I was reminded by Ivy holding out her hand that I had agreed to go as well, despite my appetite being next to nil. We hung back behind them in the hall as they sauntered wildly, almost dancing with each other ahead of us.
Ivy slowed us to barely a walk before asking, "Do you believe you deserve to get better?"
I didn't miss a beat when I answered, "No." I looked at her emerald eyes before she closed them and wrapped me in an embrace. It was hard to lie to Ivy.
"But you do Ellie, you do..."
It was my turn not to believe.