Previously

Head Tilly smiled angelically. "There is always another way, have the patience to find it. Haven't you learned anything from our most recent Captain? He would say 'We must always travel in hope.' Do that rather than grasping at a desperate flawed solution." Head Tilly beamed. "Hey, I'm getting downright wise since joining the Command Training Program." She paused and her facial expression turned serious. "Promise me you won't do this. Because I may still come back to you."

"I promise." Michael whispered allowing her tears to flow freely.

ooooo

"Everyone asked after you," Tilly remarked to her roommate as she entered their quarters.

"I required … quiet time. For reflection," Michael answered her voice rough, her expression somber.

"And are you done, reflecting that is?" Tilly peered at her friend. "For you contemplation usually means admonishment." With her hands on her hips, Tilly stood in front of Michael. "OK. Spill it. What's got your panties in a wad? You might as well tell me now 'cause you know I'll worm it out of you sooner or later. Whatever it is it can't be that bad, it's not like you ignored orders and mutinied again."

Michael looked away from Tilly to the floor, her expression now full of pain and regret.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to bring up old … oh … wait … oh … OH … OH!" Tilly paused and placed a hand over her mouth. "NO! Tell me you didn't! … Still, it can't have been too bad if you are here and not in the brig. Wait … you didn't escape, did you? Are you a fugitive? On the run? Will Commander Nhan break down our door any minute? I mean of course not, breaking these doors would require a phaser rifle, I was speaking figuratively … but you get what I mean … I'll go with you … wherever you decide to escape to … no matter what you've done … I'll go with you … well unless you murdered someone that is … unless they deserved it …"

"Tilly! Stop. No, I did not disobey orders," Michael assured.

"Whew, good. I was worried …"

"Yet I considered it and came very close. The logical conclusion of which is I have not, as the adage goes, learned my lesson."

"Why?" Tilly asked as she sat on the edge of the opposite bed.

Michael regarded her for several minutes. "Because you were in danger. Because you needed me. Because we on Discovery were stranded decades from home and might never see our families again. Because I have to find my brother … I have to save him and tell him …" She shook her head, clearing it and pushing away haunting memories. "I cannot bear losing another who is important to me."

Tilly was uncharacteristically silent. Then she asked softly, "What were you going to do?"

"Inject myself with the tardigrade DNA. Stamets was in a coma, we needed a navigator for the spore drive."

Tilly paled accentuating her freckles. "Gggg … entic manipulation?" she stuttered. "That's forbidden. What stopped you?"

"You," Michael responded simply.

Her friend's surprised expression was the only response.

"Not you you, head you. You in my mind. You told me to have hope. To look for another way. To find peace in the journey wherever it may lead, however it may unfold."

"Me? I said that?" Tilly scrunched her brow and nose. "Quite the philosopher am I. Where's my PADD, I need to write this down."

"Those thoughts pulled me back from the brink. Literally. I was a nanosecond from administering the hyprospray."

"No Michael, it wasn't me. You told yourself those things. You stopped yourself. It's important you embrace and remember that. You've changed, grown. I think that is a badge of honor," Tilly replied in a quiet earnest tone.

Tilly's empathy and words were a balm for Michael. "Thank you."

"A badge of honor that alluded me and has probably irreparably damaged my career. I could be dishonorably discharged. Where was my inner Michael when I needed her?" Tilly's voice gradually rose an octave as she spoke, and tears pooled in her eyes. Her shoulders drooped as she exhaled. The last of her survivor's euphoria ebbed away. Acceptance of her actions could no longer be pushed away; the costs were due. She wrung her hands and shuffled her feet. She twisted a lock of hair.

Michael questioned if she would ever be at ease with physical demonstrations of solace and affection. Pushing aside discomfort and hesitation, she sat beside Tilly and offered a hand. "Tell me what happened. We will fix it. Or I will resign my commission with you. We shall buy a ship, like the Vayu, and aid those in need."

That coaxed a faint smile from Tilly. "You'd do that? For me? With me?"

"I have no wish to serve an organization that deems you unfit. But we proceed ourselves. Whatever happened, I am certain it can be repaired. Tell me."

"I left my post in engineering on the Vayu near the end of the battle after the bridge was hit Commander Reno told me not to but I did anyway I had to get to his side I had to tell him. I left my post in the middle of a crisis that's like the first thing they teach us not to do in week one at the Academy," Tilly explained in a stream of consciousness.

"How did Captain Pike respond?"

"He was busy preparing to sacrifice himself as cover for our escape. But he was disappointed, I am sure of it. And I disobeyed a direct order from a superior officer."

"Has Commander Reno spoken of this since your return to Discovery?"

Tilly shook her head. "Nor has she filed a reprimand or requested discipline. I don't know what to do other than wait for a summons."

"Offence is a superior strategy to defense," Michael said with conviction. She released Tilly's hand.

"Come again?"

Michael paced the room. "Take the next steps. Yourself. First. Write an apology. Own the responsibility. Do not offer excuses. In the least these actions are preparatory for future discussions with the Captain."

"Oh." Wrapping arms around her waist, Tilly hugged herself. "Do you think I will have to talk with Captain Pike directly? Maybe Saru instead …"

"Yes. And no, abandonment is above the first officer's purview."

Tilly groaned. "There's more. I ran to the bridge in the middle of a firefight and professed my love for Captain Pike. In front of everyone … Commander Una, the Vayu's commander and his first officer …"

Michael raised an eyebrow.

"I know, I know. But I thought we were about to die. It seemed like a safe choice … and a good idea at the time. In the middle of the friggin' battle and evacuation he politely gave me the standard brush-off about my being special and that the right person would come along …" Tilly fell backwards into the bed with a whoof and buried a pillow over her head. "This is mortifying. My impulses rule me. Will I ever learn?" She continued without drawing breath, "I tried to tell Captain Pike earlier, in private, after the Vayu rescued us. I was actually very impressive, very adult. But we were interrupted. Hmmm … Would I still call him Captain Pike during intimate moments … I mean it is an ingrained habit at this point. Maybe he gets off on that … And the desk in the ready room is very sturdy …"

"Tilly! Focus."

Tilly sat up and grinned.

"That is not the object I had in mind for your attention," Michael scolded.

Tilly's grin widened. "Hey. If I am going to be drummed out of the fleet, I might as well enjoy my fantasies. If we are roaming the galaxy on our own Jolly Roger, there would be no conflict of interest. We … Captain Pike and I that is … we'd be like Hiten and Una!"

"The pirate and one of the most respected executive officers in Starfleet? Lovers?" Michael queried in a disbelieving tone.

"Oh yeah. Big time. Major romantic moment before she left the Vayu. Though he is limping today …" Tilly's momentary good humor dissipated. "So you see, I am royally and totally screwed. And not in a good way. Not at all in the way I wished. What am I going to do?"