She hadn't been back since Hermes had come for her, and with the opaque filter of time, the Underworld looked different. The palace was bigger and the roads narrower; the coast had never been so crowded and the complaints of those waiting to cross the Styx river had been so blatant. She was sick of the calm, the sound of the melancholy wind, the thoughts that woke her up in the early morning just as she managed to fall asleep. No, stillness had done nothing but trigger all the alarms and oversize the issues from which she hypothetically had to flee during Hades' absence and take on her new role. What were once days full of joy and magical nights, were now infinite days and eternal nights. Each day brought more and more torment, and each night was silence and tears, waking to the sound of his voice. But Hades was not there; and without him by her side, the heavy burden of the throne became one more punishment for her, a reminder of her ineptitude, of her lack of conviction, of her defeat.
The days passed the same, colorless, inquisitors of a new stage that weighed indefinitely. It was black night. It was urgent to escape, to advance the dead hours, to invoke spring, to make the light, to return to what it was. The supposed communion with the busy life, dealing with the obligations that belonged to her as Queen, the pleasure of simple things, the famous inner peace that Hecate insisted would suit her had not worked. She wanted to stop philosophizing, to stretch her hair, crumble a vase against the ground, hide under the deepest stone.
"You must remember when you last had your coins. Charon told me that you were walking through with the rest of humans and you suddenly realized that your coins weren't in your pocket." The man remained silent, without opening his mouth. He rubbed his hands against his thighs as his squeaky legs moved from side to side. "So?" Persephone added, her patience evidently wearing thin.
"Who's Charon, again?" The man asked in a trembling, shrunken voice.
She grimaced, annoyed by the response. "The ferryman, the one who is in charge of bringing you to our realm. Did you not listen the first three times?" Persephone growled with some exasperation, noticing how her limbs were getting tighter. The man lowered his head, embarrassed. "Oh Charon, I'm tired of all of this. Why don't you just let them through and we are finished with it?" She said, rolling her eyes.
"I know we have been with this all day long, but my Queen knows how this works here. Besides, Hades would murder me if I did."
Persephone knew he couldn't understand her; he was unable to put himself in her shoes and realize that she had stopped caring about everyone or everything. "Yes, I know. I would do it too." She replied with a sarcastic smile, narrowing her eyes. She sighted. "I myself will find the coin thief. Where can I begin? Do you suspect anyone here already?"
"Honestly, humans look all the same to me."
She filled herself with patience before answering. "Come on. Think."
"Maybe Thanatos has seen anything." The ferryman suggested as he picked up his things ready to return to his ship where more work awaited him. With everything already loaded, he added with an endearing smile, laughing. "Before I leave, let me tell you something. Day by day you look more like Hades."
She hardly heard his laugh because Hades came to her thoughts without warning, and like a spark he automatically ignited a memory. She was back at the mortal realm, with him, the last time they were together before her whole world crumbled. She studied the bottom of his blue eyes to seek his approval. How close she was to him and how unreal it was all of a sudden, that obstinate happiness. She touched his black hair. She kissed his eyelids. She wanted nothing more, she wanted the precise affection of her husband, the warmth, the sleep, and to shut all the voices in her head. She recognized that body that was so attached to hers, feeling full of confidence.
With each memory her poor heart was breaking. She had never felt so alone, so lost. She didn't know that she could miss so much a smell, a feeling, a memory. The pain Persephone was enduring was destroying her in its path: her tongue unbearably bitter, on her chest a heavy, awful weight; and inside her body, a sensation of eternal dissolution. Her heart was running away from her, beating too fast or too slow.
Green eyes watched with a hollow stare as the infinite queue walked away, their steps matching with a slow and almost ceremonial gait. It was not until the multitude faded from her view entirely did Persephone release a breath she didn't realize she was holding, allowing her pose to relax a little. "Thanatos?" Persephone's voice echoed throughout the room. Her new ability to communicate remotely across the Realm was getting better every day, a fact that she really appreciated more than ever, as wasting time looking for someone was the least she wanted to do. "Come here, please."
Seconds after claiming his presence, Thanatos appeared before her, a few feet from the throne. They had only seen each other a couple of times and had hardly exchanged a word. His dark appearance reminded her of her longed-for husband, but his youthful, soft features gave him a much less menacing appearance. His grey and clear eyes watched Persephone cautiously, giving off a sadness that moved the Goddess herself. She studied him openly, perceiving how his huge wings relaxed and rested on his broad back, as he lowered his head subtly. "My Queen." He greeted formally, head bowed.
"Thanks for the quickness." Persephone began, offering a smile. "I was wondering if you can help me with some issues I'm struggling with at the moment." The words floated in the air in a soft, friendful tone, too much to come from a queen. She suddenly realized how vulnerable she was presenting herself to one of her subordinates, quickly changing the tone of the requirement. "I need your experience to fix it as soon as possible. You are the most capable God. I am sure my husband would agree with me."
The two crossed the crowded paths of the palace boundaries, following the human queue. Persephone walked slightly ahead of Thanatos, while all humans looked at her with a mixture of admiration and fear in their lifeless eyes. They were silent during the ride, he walked with indolent grace, giving her glances brief enough to make sure she was okay. The queue was impassable but all of a sudden, with an evanescent temporary leap caused by apathy, the two deities were already walking towards their destination. There was dirty moss on the side of the route, and the black shadows disguised as clouds plunged the whole atmosphere into a prophetic state, turning it into an unreal scene.
"Here's the last place they remember they did have the coins." He said, stopping.
The two reached the end of the queue, where a huge shallow lake was created. The water did not move as people walked, like stepping on firm liquid atmosphere there was unbreathable. The humidity of the lake caught on their clothes, a strangle wind howling violently mixed with the breath of dozens of people who wandered the lake without noticing their presence. Not far from them, some people surrounded and yelled at a man, who remained kneeling and motionless.
Persephone heard him before seeing him; the man was shivering and his teeth were colliding with each other making a shuddering noise. He did not cry, he did not moan or cry out, but there was in the expression of his gaze a deep and disconcerting pain that made his face bloom in a look of confusion, as if he did not understand anything, as if what was happening was impossible to accept. He remained kneeling, still, disoriented, buffeted by a relentless wind that seemed to blow from all directions, giving him a rhythmic sway that enhanced the feeling of helplessness.
The circle quickly dispersed before the presence of Persephone as she slowly approached the man. Their eyes met; he opened his mouth, surprised like a child and began to speak. Persephone watched his lips move, bruised from the cold, but no sound came from them. She sat up until, almost sitting, while she focused her attention on trying to understand what the man was saying, but he seemed to be very far from her and the wind that rose, deafening, carried away the slight sounds that came from his lips. She sat back confused and disgusted by the anguished feeling of not understanding anything. "Why does he have no voice?" She asked Thanatos.
"It's because what he is saying is not true." He replied.
"I see." A grimace spread across her face. "I don't think I need to remind you what will happen if you lie to me, to your Queen. Don't you think?"
The man's gaze changed quickly, lowering his gaze and nodding his head.
She sighed deeply, letting the air out slowly. "So…"
"These men wanted to take my coins, my Queen. They were threatening me! Trampling me, taking away what little I have left." The man stopped waiting for Persephone's answer, but when he saw her hard face he continued. "You must punish them! I might be dead, but I have the right to be treated fairly."
"You talk about justice... thief?" She asked ironically, emphasizing the last word.
The man's eyes opened, embarrassed. "You don't know what happened, this harassment is unfounded!" He exclaimed, rising from the ground and gesturing effusively with his hands.
"Mind your words, little man." Thanatos warned; his wings opening, menacing.
"Oh, there now. Let him speak, Thanatos. If the situation wasn't embarrassing for the both of us, I might have found it interesting. For every word that comes out of this swindling and poisonous mouth I will add one more year of punishment."
"Don't you think I will wait for who knows how many years to enter the realm. No way!" He cried out as his legs started to run, running away from the two gods.
The two looked at each other, eyebrows raised. Looking back at the fugitive, Thanatos asked in an almost detached tone of voice. "Do you want me to stop him?"
Persephone hesitated for a few inches even though reminded unnoticed. For a few thousandths of a second she saw herself reflected in that pathetic man, running towards a certain death without knowing it, with hope between his teeth. She almost pitied him. Hatred and love sometimes came together in a single ball, like drops of mercury, and out of the amalgam came a heavy, toxic, strangely longing feeling. That was what irritated her. Longing in spite of everything. "Let Cerberus deal with him." She sentenced.
The man's shadow faded into the heavy mist that flattened against the ground that seemed illuminated by a nonexistent sun, making it harmful to the eyes. Shuddering barks cut through the silence in that place, followed by a short, dry scream. Without knowing it, the poor man had chosen the worst of punishments.
"Case closed." Thanatos proclaimed, his wings relaxed on his back. "May I accompany you home?"
She gave him a delicate smile, thanking him for his kindness. The young Goddess put on her black cape with gold glitters to cover herself from the wind that hit her body as she crossed the esplanade that stretched out in front of her palace. Wishing the heat of the fire to fight the cold, her mood improved notably when she appreciated that the number of people had decreased. With a light sigh, Persephone glanced at his dark companion from the corner of her eye, her lips twitching as words formed behind them. "Thanatos, can I ask you something?" She dared to ask, after a barren silence. "Personal?"
He simply nodded, intrigued by the question.
"Do you have someone to call your own?" She asked, biting her lip.
He blinked, not expecting that question, as an uncomfortable silence fell between them. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it when no words came, breaking eye contact with his Queen to glance away as she had done before.
"I… Not really." He said curtly.
Persephone slumped slightly, regretful to see he didn't want to talk about it. She immediately felt sorry for bringing it up. "Sorry Thanatos, it is none of my business." She conceded quietly.
"I have my brother." He added, letting go of a tired sigh. "I have responsibilities to take on, and that left him… a little out of my life. I don't get to see him often, or help him with his duties. I hardly see him at all. So, in many senses, I am not a part of his life in the way you may expect, my Queen."
The God of Death glanced at her, seeing an odd empathy in her eyes. She knew how it felt to be isolated, sharing a distant relationship with her surroundings.
"I would never dare to judge someone else's life. Unconventional enough is mine..." She started slowly. "I just wanted to know how you did it to live and persist. I'm very tired. I feel that in a few days I have aged a thousand years."
"Would you like to be able to erase everything? To start things over?" He asked, avoiding her big eyes. She looked at him silently trying to find out if he was joking, but he continued speaking while a smile spread across his mouth that could not go further. "I think there is no correct answer. We are what we do, I suppose."
The question caught her off guard and for a few moments her mind remained motionless. Would she like to forget everything and be reborn? Don't make the same mistakes of the past, be herself from the very beginning. But this conception was non-negotiable, to forget meant to lose him, and in no way would she allow it. Forgetting should be a natural process. One should be able to forget at the same time that one makes the decision to forget. Forgetting should be immediate, otherwise remembering becomes a degradation, an act of resistance. But she didn't want to forget; she only wished she could go back in life just to feel the moments with him twice.
"The only thing I want is to see myself able to move forward to get back everything I left behind. Get back what we were."
"Everything will be fine." He replied coldly.
Tilting her head in some shock, Persephone narrowed her eyes and smiled. "How can you be so sure?" She asked in disbelief.
"I simply know it." He said without breaking eye contact with the Goddess, with a serious look that left Persephone standing before him.
Intrigued, her green eyes bright, wanting to cry again. "You talk like you know what is going to happen."
Seeing the smile fade from her lips, Thanatos saw something he easily recognized in the Goddess' eyes as darkness surrounded them. Hope. Clearings appeared in Persephone's eyes and her heart beat again. She had had it for days. Her body had become an armoured carcass capable of attacking the trenches to move on, but with each war ending, she discovered a small internal wound that weakened her and highlighted her dwindling resistance. She wondered how long the war would last and how long she would remain standing.
They were apathetic, unreal days, the shock filled everything, there was no room for anything. During the weeks without Hades by her side, Hecate wandered around the palace taking control of everything in Persephone's life; she served her food to fill a stomach which was not hungry at all, making sure she ate something, keeping her company.
It was time, Persephone was sitting on her chair, next to her husband's empty chair. Hecate couldn't take long. Knowing that she would see her produced a wave of relief. In a matter of minutes, she would hear her female voice once again, which would plunge her back into normalcy, which had become her goal, as if nothing had happened, just what her body was asking for with urgency.
Waiting for her, a beautiful memory popped into her mind. There they were, next to the lake of her house; Persephone wore her skin and hair toasted by the sun while Hecate remained white and perfect as the young Goddess had always remembered her. She had known her since she was very young when Demeter had presented them. Nervous and shy eyes stared at her new friend, black and beautiful, with a feminine and relentless aesthetic. She moved fast among Persephone's companions, with a point of insolence that put more than one in a mess. Hecate expended an energy different from any other, she was noticeable in the powerful way she spoke, effusive and witty in the gestures of her face, of her hands, confident of herself. Persephone restrained herself, studying every word before saying it, just as she had studied her new friend from day one.
She was encouraged to count for how long they knew each other. She subtracted and added, counting with an imaginary abacus. Arithmetic calculations were formed with the loose brushstrokes that end up tracing a life. Persephone realized that her life was a passing sum of days until he arrived and allowed her to fill her life with everything she had always dreamed of. That joy did not last long, and that sadness and resentment soon returned.
"Persephone?" Hecate said, touching her arm. The blonde Goddess looked up at her. "Weren't you listening?" She added.
She slowly shook her head. "Yes, sorry Hecate. I just… I was just thinking about the two of us. Anyway, you are late. I am hungry." She said, pursing her lips, giving her a funny look as her eyes pointed to the empty plate.
"Do you want some wine?" Persephone asked, greeting her.
"No, thanks. I'm fine." Hecate replied.
"It is too cold, drink with me. I recommend it, it is excellent."
"Fine." She agreed.
Persephone stood up and filled the two glasses with the delicious purple liquid from which she had become very assiduous. She took a deep sip and looked at her friend, and where she expected to find a brilliant smile she found a lost gaze. "Hecate. What's wrong?"
Hecate avoided looking at her green eyes. "Nothing." She quickly replied.
"Don't lie to me, please." Persephone's voice low and concerned.
"It's Hades." She said, her fingers moving intertwined resting on the table. "He has awakened."
With her words the pain disappeared as if it had never existed; she felt an immense joy and a wave of nerves at the imminence of his return. She smiled happily and looked at her friend, wanting to share her joy. She quickly got up from her chair, ready to meet him immediately.
"Persephone, wait." Hecate stopped her, her eyes looking at her with a seriousness that the Goddess of Spring had never seen in her. "There's another thing."
"What's wrong?" She quickly asked, her smile fading instantly.
"He has awakened and he is in good condition, but the poison he drank has affected his mind. He is out of place, he is struggling with his memory... It seems that he does not remember certain things."
"What things?" She asked, her voice shaking.
In front of the room where her husband was recovering, Persephone waited restlessly, her heart beating so hard resonating inside her ears, turning all the other sounds into mere vibrations. She was waiting at the starting line, waiting for a signal, but panic of failure was stopping her. She was so eager to see him as scared; not seeing herself reflected in those longed-for blue eyes pushed her to the point of wanting to run away so as not to return. Zeus had been very clear; Hades didn't remember her. He had been talking to him, explaining his situation, his life; but there was no sign of a response in him. The memory of her had been lost.
She remembered someone telling her when she was a child that no one should return to the place where you had once been happy because that is the way to start losing it, and she supposed that the author of that phrase was right. Places, real or imaginary, idealized in the pink mist of imagination, could be luridly real, and so disappointing as to end our dream with a hammer stroke. But for Persephone her place was him.
Outside the wind was blowing; raining heavily. A terrifying howl accompanied the song of the rain. She opened the door slowly, avoiding making noise. There he was, as if nothing had happened. She watched Hades attentively while he, submerged in his thoughts, looked out the window without noticing the presence of his wife. He breathed sweetly in the calm of that room. Inside Persephone was raining too, a downpour of electricity inside her bones.
She wanted to come in and kiss him, afraid of breaking his calm. Shouting from afar that she loved him and that everything was going to be okay. In just a second she understood what mattered and what didn't. The end of the world, the storm, the pain, were far from that room. She felt like a whisper enveloping them, hugging them slowly, like a mantra known only to both of them.
"Hades ..." She called him in a low voice to hold him back, to make sure he was true for just a moment, and then notice her intermittent breathing. Her heart was pounding enthusiastically and the most rational part of her was telling her to lower her heart rate.
He turned quickly at the sound of her voice, his blue eyes staring blankly at her, as if he had never seen her.
The short but intense distance had given her the space to reinvent him with false nuances: his black hair was not so long, he was taller than she remembered, and he had a more imposing presence. The sharp nose, the lips that resembled the quarters of a boat, and the intense, blue gaze; those eyes she so longed for. They weren't the same though, she could recall. There was no sign of glare on his face, causing her to feel a sense of forgetfulness and unbearable helplessness on her chest. He was there, he was really there. Unexpected, defined, real, a sharp image without filters.
"You are…. here." They weren't the first words she'd tried to say to him during so many sleepless nights. "You are here", not a sad and sincere "I love you so much" or "I have missed you terribly.". She couldn't control her intonation because she was focused on not losing him again.
"You must be Persephone."
She looked into the back of his eyes, with dilated pupils, like a dead end tunnel. She could see in his eyes that the memories of her were as blurred as mud in puddles after the storm. They were the embers of an extinguished flame, where she lost her life trying to enliven it; betting on a cause that died. And with that revelation, Persephone intuited a reality she had been hiding for far too long; everything can be worse and she still didn't know everything.