Chapter 50

Confusion

Icy woke up with a strong headache. She didn't remember how she ended up in that bed, the last thing she recalled were the opaque lights of the bar, the wooden table and the clink of Lzzy's glass against hers. She moved slightly and the feeling of the sheets on her skin made her realize she was naked. A shiver run down her spine. She forced herself to open her eyes and distinguished Lzzy laying down by her side, awake.

- Hello there. - Lzzy said, but her smile faded away when she felt a spark of panic coming from Icy.

- What happened? - Icy asked.

When Lzzy hesitated, the witch pulled away and turned her back to her, shocked by the images of that night that, suddenly coming back to her, danced before her eyes confused and distorted. She curled up on herself, unable to move. It wasn't her first time, but it was her first time with a woman and that made her feel like she was falling in an endless abyss. What had gotten into her, why did she even think of sleeping with her mindmate? Didn't they call each other "sister"? that wasn't what sisters did! That was not what she did!

Through their bond Lzzy perceived her thoughts and remorse was devouring her: she knew Icy wasn't like her and yet she couldn't resist temptation. She hurt Icy and she would never forgive herself. And that feeling of a knife deep in her chest was well deserved, she deserved all of Icy's repulsion, she acted horribly! "If only this headache could go away…" she thought. Then she moved closer to Icy and said:

- I'm sorry Icy, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I… I made a mistake… it was a mistake, a mistake that will not be repeated ever again, I swear! Icy, Icy please look at me! -

She was surprised by the pleading sound of her own voice.

The witch clenched her arms around her body even more when Lzzy moved her hair from her face. Hearing her say that it was a mistake hurt a lot, much more than understanding what they had done, and it astonished her to know why. She breathed in and then, with a broken voice, she began speaking:

- It wasn't your fault Lz, I felt what you felt and I should have stopped you, I would have done that if I wanted to... - Lzzy was about to interrupt her, but she decided to let her vent. - ...but I did not want to, you see, I didn't want it to stop and… and I think that was really me, not the drugs… everything was so perfect and I liked it to be that way... - her voice died down.

She was shaking.

Hesitating, Lzzy put a hand on her shoulder without saying anything. They stood like that for a few never-ending minutes, and slowly Icy calmed down, her breathing became regular and the thoughts got calmer as well... she put her clothes back on with a spell and she turned to Lzzy, who was so ashamed that she couldn't look her in the eyes. She sat up on the bed and hugged her tight, getting her aback. She needed Lzzy's warmth, she needed to hear her say that it was alright, that what happened between them was normal in its own way.

- I'm sorry, you don't have to feel guilty. I had to stop you. -

Lzzy hugged her back, holding back the tears.

- Neither one of us was thinking straight Icy, or nothing of this would have happened. We're... -

- ...both guilty? - asked the witch.

- Yes, both guilty. - repeated Lzzy, - The thing that matters the most to me is that I didn't hurt you. - she added, shivering at the thought of it.

- No Mae, no. You didn't. If you don't believe me, you can look in my mind. -

Lzzy sobbed at those words. Such a request meant that not only Icy had already completely forgiven her despite her weakness, it meant that she would have known everything that Icy felt in that moment, and Icy would have known what she felt, she would find out her feelings for her, and what would have been her reaction then? And yet she couldn't refuse, it would have made her suspicious or worst, it would have hurt her more.

Lzzy opened her conscience towards Icy's, immediately finding it. Usually it reminded her of a snowy garden where each plant was made of ice and frost, not only covered in those, a place where a strong indifference seemed to reign, but that soon revealed its vivacity as soon as it received some stimulus. In that moment, instead, it was like a typhoon just hit: the most external thoughts run one after another, disconnected and incoherent, whirling around the inner and firmer ones. Her powers didn't really help her, tens and tens of different colors and emotions shone before her eyes, so fast that she couldn't recognize them. Icy was able to focus on one particular thought, slowing down its movement so that Lzzy could see it clearly. An ashy grey light, indecision, speckled of a crimson red that symbolized passion alternated to a feeble blue fear. But there was no trace of pain.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you... - whispered Lzzy while tears run down her cheeks.

It was such a relief to understand that not only she didn't physically hurt Icy, but that the witch even returned her feelings, that the headache seemed to be much less heavy now.

Meanwhile, the witch of ice cursed herself for that stupid reaction that filled Lzzy with remorse. If only she hadn't been so blind, if she had understood what was hiding behind the stares, the embarrassments, the hugs longer than necessary, maybe they would have avoided that trauma and they could have faced the topic with more calm, instead of being harshly confronted by the feelings they tried to suffocate more or less consciously. Icy had misunderstood not only Lzzy's feelings but also her own, she realized that only now, after recognizing herself in Lzzy's state of mind. That tenderness intertwined with admiration and desire was something she felt inside her for a long time, but she never gave it importance, she thought it was just an effect of the Bonding. She was so used to putting aside what she felt that she wasn't even able to understand herself anymore, she realized with a shiver.

- Why haven't you ever tried to tell me? - she asked in a whisper.

- I was afraid that it would have pushed you away from me. - answered Lzzy.

Icy broke the hug, looking straight in her eyes.

- The Pixie's prophecy... -

Lzzy nodded and said:

- Yes, you and Joe are the roses. I understood that as soon as she said it. -

Icy noticed a detail that she hadn't thought of at first: Lzzy had a relationship with Joe, they lived together and...

- Oh my god, this is your bed! I won't ever be able to look at him again! - she exclaimed.

- No, no, no, it's okay. He knows it already, I mean, he knows what I feel for you. He even told me to flirt with you actually, but I wasn't brave enough. That's how our relationship works. - Lzzy reassured her.

Icy was a little confused and didn't know what to say. She needed time to elaborate it all and, speaking of time, who knows how long they slept!

- I must go back to Alfea, the others must be worried. Or most likely mad. - she said, unable to decide which issue demanded a more immediate attention.

- It has only been a few hours, don't worry. I told the girls we fell asleep in front of the TV and that you'll be back in the morning. -

- Just how long have you been awake? -

- Something like twenty minutes. I also put on my pajamas, didn't you notice? - the earthling playfully asked her.

- What are we now Mae? - Icy asked, searching for her hand in the dark.

- I can't tell you that on my own. Whatever we are, we are that together. -

- But there's so much confusion in my head... -

- I saw. Take all the time you need. But know that this sincere, mask-less you is the one I prefer. -

That sweet sentence stroke Icy, who hadn't realized she left all her indifference and coolness aside. It came natural to her to spontaneously open up to Lzzy.

- I wish you had met her earlier. - she whispered.

Lzzy smiled, but Icy didn't see her in the dark. Instead, she felt that Lzzy was getting up from the bed, so she asked where she was going.

- On the couch, so you can be alone. - she replied.

- I don't... I don't want to be alone. Stay with me… please. -

Lzzy didn't need to be convinced. She got back under the sheets with Icy who, much to her surprise, snuggled up close to her. There was some sort of innocence in her movements, in the way she took her hand and squeezed it.

- Whatever happens, don't you ever leave me alone. - said the witch.

- I won't. - replied Lzzy.

§§

Meanwhile in Magix and more precisely at Cloudtower, headmistress Griffin walked fast through the empty corridors. She had just left the Heart of Cloudtower, where she had retired hoping to relax after her call with Faragonda. Given the speed at which her brain kept working, though, the only hope to have a good night of sleep was a sleeping pill she would never take, so it was better to go back to her office and do something more productive than lay in her bed.

Faragonda thought it was appropriate to inform her of the Icy's Bonding and of how it happened: she didn't have the slightest doubt that she might now about it already, and moreover that her version of the facts was wrong. Griffin had simulated surprise, but she stopped pretending when Faragonda told her what the Winx referred. Unsure whether telling her the version Aire gave her or not, she kept quiet. At that point a little talk with the witch of ice was mandatory, and possibly with that Lzzy too, because she wanted to help them out but to do that she needed to know what was going through their heads: that lie could be dangerous for Icy, if the Council got interested in such topic.

However, the hypothesis was quite unrealistic, since nobody wanted to involve the Fortress of Light. The less the schools were involved with it, the better, especially in that moment: the party of innovators, led by Givelian, had a certain follow and they even managed to have the reprise of the traditional Magic Tournament approved. As the winning school in the previous edition, it was Alfea's duty to set up the arena (luckily: Griffin had hated with her very heart all the paperwork necessary to organize the event), but she still had to think of half of the trials the students would face. At least she could recycle most of it from the last edition, since the only vase to be used and thus invalidated was that of the upper classes. Of course, they were the most difficult trials to face and organize, but they were also the funniest.

And yet, while turning the pages of her ancient books looking for inspiration, she couldn't keep what her colleague had told her out of her mind. Particularly, her attention kept focusing on the fact that Valtor still used fire spells despite he no longer owned the Dragon Flame. She felt that that detail was crucial, but she could not figure out why or what it meant. She just hoped she understood that soon: the Tournament was too appealing for Valtor to not take advantage of it.

§§

Icy went back to Alfea around eight in the morning. Her and Lzzy parted with a certain embarrassment and with the agreement of not talking to each other until they decided how to handle their feelings.

If in the semi-darkness of Lzzy's room Icy felt almost ready to say "okay, let's try", in the light that flooded the apartment everything felt crazy and wrong again. Lzzy told her she would tell Joe about it and it was fine with her, but she had no intention to talk to anyone. She wouldn't have known what to say, or how. It was easier to shut up and think on her own.

She just forgot to consider the Darcy factor: the witch of illusions didn't believe Lzzy's text and when Icy walked in their room she stopped studying and dedicated her all her attention.

- You came back early. - she observed.

- What's that, sarcasm? -

- In a way, yeah. What did you do yesterday? -

Icy turned her back on her, opening the wardrobe and pretending to be at ease with all her strength.

- We went to some city in the States, New Apple or Big York, I don't know. It was a bit like Magix City, just with a lot more people and much bigger. - she replied, taking a pair of jeans and one of the two hoodies she owned, the largest and most oversize one.

- And then? -

- We went to her place and we watched a movie, the rest... - she hesitated, - ...you know the rest. -

She began changing her clothes hurriedly, with nervous movements that for sure didn't dissuade Darcy from continuing her investigation.

- Are you sure nothing happened? I mean, you look nervous. - she insisted in fact.

Icy pulled her hair out of the hoodie, irritated.

- Darcy, there's nothing to talk about, leave me alone. -

Having said so, Icy turned towards the door.

Darcy wasn't persuaded, Icy was weird, there was something different from usual in her, she was sure of it. For sure after her questions Icy's thoughts went straight to the topic she didn't want to bring up, it would have been easy to know. "I'm doing it for her" the witch of illusions told herself while she entered Icy's mind. And she saw. She stood there with her mouth open, it was really the last thing she imagined.

- What... have you... DONE?! - she asked, incredulous.

Icy turned suddenly, a surprised expression on her face.

- Did you read my mind?! -

- You... you two... -

- You promised you'd never do that! -

Attracted from the loud voices, the other girls got there to check what was going on.

- Hey, what's happening? - asked Tecna, perplexed.

- It happens that she has... I can't say it, I just can't! - exclaimed Darcy massaging her forehead.

Icy was shook from a shiver of anger.

- Then I'll say it! I slept with Lzzy, but we were drugged! We didn't know what we were doing and no, - she said pointing her finger against Darcy and lowering her voice, - don't you dare blame her now, it wasn't her fault. -

Darcy couldn't believe her ears.

- You don't really want me to believe you asked her?! -

Icy couldn't hold back anymore: why was Darcy treating her like that? She had nothing to do with it, nothing!

- Is it a problem for you?! Well, it is for me too! What do you think, that it's easy to accept it? It isn't, not at all! I always looked for that kind of relationship in men, and now… now she came around and turned everything upside down! Just like that, in a second, and that's what scares me. YES! Yes, it's exactly what I said: the witch with a heart of ice is scared! -

She felt the tears coming to her eyes, but before Darcy could react or Icy could run and hide in the bathroom Stormy got in between them and hugged Icy. That gave her the final shot, she hugged her back and started sobbing on Stormy's shoulder.

- When are you going to stop keeping everything inside? - Stormy scolded her, not serious nor joking.

She brought her to her room, which she shared with Aisha, and had her sit down.

- Now calm down and tell us what happened exactly. -

The only one who didn't follow them was Darcy, who knew everything already and didn't feel like talking to Icy anymore.

- We went to a bar and two guys offered us a drink. We accepted but then we noticed we didn't feel good, so we left. - Icy sobbed.

She looked at the floor and kept her hands on her lap, torturing them non-stop. Tears run down her cheeks and filled her hoodie of dark spots. She had a headache again.

- Where did you go? - Flora asked gently.

- Lzzy's house... She didn't want to go to the boys. And then she kissed me and I kissed her too and… as long as I'm with her it's fine but it feels different now, I don't know what to do. -

- Oh Icy, sleeping with someone doesn't mean to have feelings for them, especially if... - Stella said, but the witch interrupted her.

- But I do feel something for her! -

Stella was lost.

- Oh. Well, that's a different story. -

Stormy took one of Icy's hands. They were both red and she could see the marks of her nails.

- Stop that. Did you talk to her? - she asked.

Icy nodded.

- And...? - snorted the other, her patience had a limit.

- We feel the same. I had to understand it earlier, I could, even Jolly understood that. -

- Jolly? - Aisha asked surprised.

Icy and Bloom didn't tell the prophecy of the Pixie in full detail and that wasn't the right moment to do so.

- Yes, it's a long story. - the read-head cut it short, - What are you going to do about it? - she said then, talking to Icy.

She sobbed even louder and shook her head.

- I don't know, - she cried, - I don't know, having a Bonding makes it seem so wrong, I don't know what to do. -

Stormy tried to calm her holding her tightly, but Tecna's attempt was more successful.

- It's alright Icy, you don't have to know it now. It just happened. Think calmly about it and when you'll feel like it, you'll talk to her, okay? -

Again, Icy quietly nodded. Tecna gave her a tissue.

- Let's go girls, let's leave her alone. - said Musa.

She walked out of the room with the others, leaving Icy with Stormy and Flora. The latter waited for the others to be out of voice reach, then she said:

- If I may give you some advice, I think you should get the chance. Do you remember in the first year, when you turned Mirta in a pumpkin? -

Stormy glared at her: that wasn't the right moment to remind Icy of that part of her life.

Not receiving any answer, Flora continued.

- You see, when I managed to retransform her, there was a certain something between us. After the battle, me and her… well, we had a story. A little one, it didn't last longer than summer, but in that moment our feelings were strong, and we couldn't ignore them. Then we got to know each other better, outside of the emergency, and we understood that even though we got along well we weren't the person we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. Mirta is still a great friend of mine, and that time is happy and pleasing in my memories, even though it's over. -

Icy stopped crying and was now looking at Flora, her eyes red and puffed up.

- Why are you telling me? -

- I don't want you to feel wrong. Bonding or not, what you and Lzzy feel deserves respect. - replied Flora.

- Thank you. - Icy said softly.

The fairy of nature smiled at her and left as well.

- Well, I knew that Mirta had zero interest in boys, but I didn't expect Flora to be into girls. - said Stormy in an attempt to ease the tension.

- Why, did you expect me to...? - replied Icy.

- Actually, no. But you love complicated stories so I'm not that surprised. -

- That's a low blow. - Icy said, smiling.

She was very grateful for Stormy in that moment: they argued often but the witch of storms was always there for her if she needed her. Darcy rarely got mad, but when it happened it took at least a week for her to let go of it.

- How do you think that Darcy will take it? - asked Icy.

- Off the top of my head, she didn't take it well. It would have been better to just tell her. -

- I mean, how will she take it if me and Lzzy... -

- Hey, learn to say it. It irks me to guess your sentences. Anyway, if you'll date Lzzy I think she'll hold a grudge with you for a good while and she'll avoid seeing her. -

Icy groaned. Darcy was already jealous enough of Lzzy. Of course, she wouldn't let this influence her decision: it was her own feelings she was playing with.

§§

Meanwhile, on Earth, Lzzy had given up on finding something to have breakfast with: with a tour that was going to last several months the canteen was empty, except for two packs of salt and a jar of pickles, and in the fridge there was nothing but a pack of frozen veggies. She was intentioned to founder what remained of her sense of guilt (quite a lot) in food, possibly something sugary and high-calorie that she used to avoid. A jar of ice cream, or peanut butter, or rainbow popcorns. Why did she think of that? Now she was gonna crave rainbow popcorns all day long.

Resigned and melancholic, she stopped postponing her return and opened a portal to the bus. Josh was still asleep, but she smelled a delicious scent of coffee rising up from downstairs. She walked down the steps.

- Good morning big sis. Did you have a nice evening? - Arejay cheered.

His words added weight on Lzzy's already bowed shoulders, and she didn't answer.

- What a face. Are you alright? - asked Joe.

- No. I'm a horrible person. - mumbled Lzzy, taking the coffee out of his hand and taking a sip.

Then she opened a counter and took a jar of peanut butter, which she found very light. Too light. In fact, when she opened it, it was empty.

- Did you finish my peanut butter again? - she asked rhetorically.

She knew it was stupid and childish, but she really wanted to cry. She just wanted to founder sorrow with sweets like a normal girl. Disheartened, she fell on a couch with the jar in her hands. She stood there staring into the void, with an afflicted face.

Arejay and Joe looked at each other, confused and worried. Something was definitely wrong. Joe sat between Lzzy and the void that caught her eyes, Arejay on the other side.

- What's up? - asked Joe, taking the empty jar.

- I slept with Icy. -

- What?! - exclaimed Arejay, who unlike Joe was totally unaware of his sister's feelings for the witch.

He had stopped updating on his sister's sentimental and sexual life long ago, important things found their way to him anyway.

- I thought you didn't wanna risk it. - Joe said, surprised but less than Arejay.

- Exactly, but she was there, next to me, and we weren't sober and I thought it could have been the only chance and I made a mess because we feel the same but she wasn't ready. It's not like I was ready, but she was even less ready and she's so fragile and insecure… oh, I'm a horrible person! -

They both knew that when Lzzy spoke that fast she was either drunk and needed to be put to sleep, or she was really worried for something she had done and they had to reassure her and prepare her something sweet. A look was enough to agree on a plan.

- I'll go buy peanut butter and something with chocolate. - Arejay said, getting up.

Joe put aside the empty jar and took Lzzy in his arms. She let him move her without resistance, sighing when Arejay left after taking the wallet.

- What will happen now between the two of you? - Joe asked her.

- I don't know. She needs some time, and I don't want to pressure her more than I already have. But we won't keep in contact in any way until she makes up her mind, not even telepathically, so we "shut out" each other but I'm not used to it anymore, I miss something. Something in here. - she answered, touching her head.

Neither one of them spoke, then they sighed again together.

- By the way, you need to stop eating all my peanut butter. I keep it for these occasions. -

Joe held back a laugh.