Eventually we ended up at in the mall parking lot. It was several miles from my house, but midday traffic was light and I found that the time passed quicker than I imagined. Bam had been right, skating was like riding a bike. I surprised myself when I actually got off the ground attempting an Ollie. Maybe a few inches at best, but it felt good.

"See," Bam grinned, "I knew you still had it in you."

I stopped at the realization, shrugging as I skated past him. I guess I did. He smiled at me, and I found myself smiling back. The wind pushed blonde strands into my face that I carefully tucked back behind my ear. "Sure," I said.

The parking lot was full in some places, so we skated around until we found the back side of Sears where it was typically empty. I used to come here all the time with the guys - Dunn, Dico, Raab, Rake..and Bam. And like magic, they were there waiting for us.

"Oh shit, is this real life?" Chris Raab shouted running toward us at full speed. I pinched my eyes closed and braced myself for the inevitable crash - but nothing. I opened and eye and found Bam on the ground as Raab continued to shout, "Yesss! Bam is here! CKY CREW IS BACK!"

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. I had assumed he already saw everyone, but maybe he had been hanging out with skate buddies. As the others caught up, I paced back suddenly feeling out of place. I saw some of these guys in the school hallways, but one day they stopped existing to me. They probably hated me. Once Raab had tried talking to me after Tony and I started dating. He wouldn't leave me alone or accept that I had changed. Tony and a couple of his friends cornered Raab outside of Blockbuster and beat him pretty good. At least that was the story, and he had had the bruised face to prove it. He never tried talking to me again and I just let it happen.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and watched silently as they surrounded their friend. Sitting on the curb with my board lying next to me on the grass, my heart pounded. I should leave. What was I even doing here? This didn't feel right anymore. I was a different person now. I started to get up, not bothering to grab the board. I could find someone I knew inside the mall that would give me a ride home. Regina might be working a shift at Rave.

"Hey, Danie," came the smooth voice of Ryan Dunn as he lit a cigarette, separating himself from the group while they dogpiled one another.

I blushed, feeling self conscious. "Hey, Dunn."

"How's your summer going?" We hadn't spoken in over a year. Not since he blew up on me for Raab's beating. I didn't want to care, but part of me felt sad.

"Not that great considering.." I gestured to them, all of it. The walls were back up. I didn't want to feel this. It was stupid.

I turned and started to go, when Dunn gently grabbed my arm and tugged me back. "Don't forget your board," he said looking at me over the top of his sunglasses. His eyes were all encompassing, they could see through me. All of it.

Grabbing it, I whispered a quick thank you and headed toward the Sears doors in a brisk walk. It was an effort to keep myself from running. Once inside the main mall, I ditched the board into the nearest trash can and kept moving until I found Rave.

Regina flipped through a catalog at the counter, looking up when I reached her. I was looking for her, but the anger flooded out and she became my target. The thought of her booking up with douche bag Tony made me angry, and it was a good distraction from whatever THAT was going on earlier.

"Hey," she said excitedly, "you won't believe who was in here earlier. Do you remember Jenn? Well, she-"

"Why did you lie about me having a good time at Tony's?" Reaching the counter, I cut her off. She looked confused and a bit hurt, but I was already in a mood so I let it out.

"While you were busy with your 'hoe summer,' I needed you."

"Wow girl, wait a second!" She clenched her jaw and narrowed her eyes. We were both hotheads, so I readied myself for her explosion. "I don't know what your deal is, but I'm at work right now. Talk later." She pointed back toward the main mall.

My face drained, remembering why I came in and I felt bad. "Alright. What time are you off?"

"I just got here, so closing time," she said bluntly and I sighed. Guess I wasn't getting that ride.

I wanted to pull my hair out. This summer was supposed to be the big one, the best. Before everything changed again and I was left alone. So far it was a total bust. I couldn't get out of my head and the depression and anxiety I had been staving off was catching up to me. I was lashing out at my best friend. We were both drunk at Tonys, she was probably as clueless as I was about the party.

I wandered into the food court and my thoughts drifted back to Bam. He said he came to town a lot. I guess I just never noticed before, but I forced myself to stop 'noticing' anything outside of my new group. Popularity was also hard work. Once Regina got me in with her group, I had to go through a metamorphosis. They wouldn't accept anything less than a radiant butterfly, and I was barely even on caterpillar level. But with Regina's help my transformation became complete. The old me just didn't exist anymore, and the new me didn't like her anyway. She was stupid. It was all her fault. And she was trying to claw her way back to the surface.

"Danie? What are you doing here?" Came a familiar voice. I sat up straight and stiffened. Uh oh. "You're supposed to be grounded!"

"Bam said you were okay with it!" I groaned, "and I'm a high school graduate now, can you really ground me?" I groaned as my mom sat down next to me with a few shopping bags.

"I said you could go with Bam, but I don't see him anywhere," she started, "and if you're going to drink underage while living under my roof, then yes. I really can."

I rolled my eyes and relaxed. The words felt empty, like she said them because she had to. "What did you get? I thought you were working?"

"We went for coffee after the meeting and I spilled some on my blouse. I came here for a new one."

"Oh," I said, uninterested. She eyed me, her expression softening.

"You okay?" She asked concerned, "Did Bam do something?"

"No, he didn't, things are just…different." I said slowly, she put an arm around me and gave a small squeeze.

"Different doesn't have to be difficult," she always had a soft spot for Bam, when most adults tried to steer clear of his shenanigans. "He's always been a good boy."

I have a short laugh, "if you say so!" The Bam I remembered was a trouble maker and a rebel, and a lot of times an asshole with an ego. Not the same kind of asshole as Tony, though. Bam at least treated everyone equally and looked out for the underdogs. And I used to be one of them.

"Give me a ride home?" I asked earnestly.

"Sure thing, kiddo."

-

"What about me? You said you wouldn't leave me behind!" I screamed at him, the cold night air fogged up at my breath and floated in between us.

The words hung in the air followed by a deafening silence, he lifted a hand and reached out to me, but I turned away from him. He had no idea. He was an idiot not to see how much I loved him.

"What is the big deal?" He finally said back, I could feel the heat in his voice. "It's not like I'll be gone forever," he implored, "this is my dream!"

And I knew that, but ever since we were kids he had been my dream. I just never realized it until he said he was leaving…

Before I knew what I was doing, I marched up to him and pushed my lips onto his. He went rigid, shocked. My heart thundered in my chest, his lips were so cold from the night air, but I felt electric. And suddenly, it was over.

"Wha-?" He started, pulling me back from him with confusion, then he remembered himself. "..you know I'm with Jenn."

All the electric heat drained out of me. I wanted to scream again! I would always be the girl next door and nothing more than that!

"Bye, Bam." I said quietly.

-

I woke up in a cold sweat, tangled in heaps of blankets that trapped my legs. 'Shit..' I mumbled when I realized where I was, back in my bed at home.

I hadn't thought of that day in so long, just before Bam left..and right before Dad died. I was thankful not to have finished the dream.

I didn't want to think about the rest of it and what had happened next. The water rushing over me…watching Dad struggle with my seatbelt underneath the water… I still blamed Bam. If Bam hadn't told him where I went, he never would have seen the accident..wouldn't have tried to save me. He wouldn't have died saving me.

I grabbed my pillow and screamed into it, over and over.