Several years ago..
April Fools Day Blizzard of 1997
Mother Nature's biggest joke. No one had taken the weatherman seriously when he warned us of the coming snow. We were used to snow, but the season for it had already passed. What was coming was more than likely some flurries that would melt before they hit the ground.
The electric spark passed and it was cold again. I told him goodbye, trying to keep together the remnants of my broken heart. I was too late. She had staked her claim on him and he was enamored. I was just the girl next door, practically a sister. How could I be so stupid?
I didn't dare look back. Snow had already started falling, heavier than I anticipated. Bam had skated to meet me near the riverfront, but he could manage his own way home. After all, he just crushed my heart. I sat in the car a long time in silence, holding my pain in.
I had just gotten my license and wasn't allowed to be out driving on my own. I took the car without asking to sneak out, but I guess Dad found out (he had worked a late shift and saw the car was gone) and he told Mom he had a bad feeling about the storm coming in. So he went looking for me.
I didn't make it far. Only halfway across the bridge before I hit ice and lost control of the car. I don't even remember hitting the water. Everything was cold and dark. The water still felt like ice from the long winter and never had time to warm up in the spring. It was unbearable. Water everywhere. I drifted, freezing, choking, drowning.
The next thing I remembered was waking in a hospital bed. My mom was lying on the bed cradling me, her eyes wide open as though staring off into another realm. She looked exhausted. I tried to speak, but a small croak was all I could manage. She shot up and called for a doctor, crying and cradling me.
Over the three days I spent there I was told the news of what happened. Bam had skated off after I told him goodbye, and not long after had been stopped by my Dad who was driving around looking for me. Bam told him I was sitting in the car by the riverfront. When dad got there, all he saw was the back end and license plate as I plummeted into the water. Without hesitation, he jumped in after me.
I had dreamt of seeing his face there, swimming with me, but I wasn't sure if it was real or just nightmares. He had dragged me back to the shore, and when EMTs arrived they were only able to resuscitate one of us. Dad was gone. Apparently they had worked on the both of us for some time, but hypothermia had a hold of us. Somehow I survived.
A concussion and Hypothermia kept me in the hospital. When I was released, I wasn't the same person. Bam tried to talk to me, and the rest of the guys wanted to see me - but I couldn't. I couldn't even face Regina, the only person I confided in my love for Bam and my best friend. Eventually, they all stopped trying - except for Regina, who eventually pulled me out of my mess. I started therapy and taking anxiety medication, made new friends and didn't look back. Or tried not to. There were days when the nightmares came back. Sometimes Dad was talking to me, his face frozen in cold shock or just a watery haze. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but I desperately wanted to. I always woke up screaming.
——
Present/Summer of '99
"Have you considered taking time off and traveling?" Nadine asked, looking at me over her glasses. Nadine Watts was my therapist - we were on a first name basis. She wasn't very old, not as old as my mom anyway, and had long copper hair with a touch of silvery highlights that looked out of place with her smooth, delicate face.
"Like, I'm ready to leave West Chester. Totally. Ready, set." I said, reclining back into the faux leather couch. I had just told her about the mall incident a few days ago, and the house party - not leaving out any detail. It used to take a long time to open up, but after years of seeing Nadine - I didn't hold back anymore. Once a month this got to be my safe place. "But I didn't want to go alone."
"That's not what I meant," she said. "Have you thought about taking a year off of school? University can wait a year. Maybe get out and discover yourself."
I laughed, the idea sounded fun - but farfetched. And scary. Nope, no way. "I don't think you're supposed to say things like that to your clients."
"It's off the record," she smiled, taking her glasses off to really look at me. Did she even need those things? "I just think you need to take some time to relax. Or maybe we need to reconsider your meds again?" She wasn't threatening, but considering.
I wondered too, but I had been off of them all senior year and things had been going alright. Well, until Graduation Day. I thought of Bam again and shook my head.
"Alright, consider this, okay? I think you are projecting onto Bam. Things do not need to be the way they are between you and your old friends. Change is okay. People grow apart, that's okay too." She leaned back and repositioned her glasses. "Maybe getting to know them again, getting to know who they are now - and in turn who you are now - can heal old wounds. What happened isn't anybody's fault." After giving her a disappointed look, she added "-it's just a thought!"
I spent the rest of the day considering this, meeting up with Regina during her lunch break at one of the mall restaurants, California Pizza Kitchen. Thankfully, she got over my outburst the other day real quick after my apology. I told her about Bam and skating, what Nadine said.
"Nadine might be onto something here.." she said after a bite of pizza. Usually, she hated Nadine. Mostly, I think, because I tell her things that Regina doesn't even get to know about me. And that bothered her, but she took it out on Nadine and gave me my space.
"Wow, really?" I was surprised. "You always thought they were mega losers. I mean, they are…"
"Yeah," she shrugged, "but they used to be your mega losers."
"Well, what if I don't want them back?" My heart quickened at the thought, and I was unsure if it was excitement or anxiety. Probably the latter.
"You've got time to figure it out," she said, taking one last bite and standing up to get back to work. "Besides, you'll need people to chill with while I'm at MIT."